melody
22-04-09, 08:01
Hi, I hope you are feeling good today,
I was wondering if anyone else feels that their social phobia is due to bullying, either currently, or from way in the past from what feels like a million years ago. I was wondering if anyone thinks this is the cause of panic attacks.
When I was having low times in my life, I have always attracted bullies. They hate me. That narcissistic type of personality likes to target me & constantly drag me down if I'm ever trusting enough to let on my feelings. These types of people seem sickly sweet to everyone else and convince everyone else that they are right.
I have had this type of nasty treatment from when I was younger from my step-dad. I wasn't allowed to say anything, or do anything. I was always wrong. He would punish me for making a joke or talking about a feeling. He would punish me for talking to my mum, but he would make up another excuse that didn't make sense. Then it started to happen at school with the sickly sweet school counselor's daughter who was very popular and convinced everyone I wasn't worth knowing until I was isolated & ridiculed each day. My old friends turned into friendemies & kept teasing me & stealing my stuff. When you have no friends left at school, you are open game for anyone to be as nasty as they want, because no one would ever believe me, not the teachers or the counselor especially. This situation "taught me" that I wasn't safe to be anyone at all or I could be beaten up, followed around all day with the constant insults, and then if I ever reacted, no matter how much I tried to explain it would be only me with the detention & eventually getting kicked out of that school. There was not many places to hide, and they were places I got in trouble for going to.
I thought it was all over. I thought I had moved on. I worked for a large company for many years. I got promoted. I had another narcissistic boss who accused me of things I didn't do, let other people off for far worse mistakes, she yelled at me evey day even though I was doing my job as perfectly as is humanly possible. It was just hate. I felt like I was incompetent because I could never keep up with the demands, but everyone else got praised. They weren't doing any more work than me. I couldn't understand it. When you get that nervous every day, it makes you more likely to make mistakes because you can't calm down.
After I had my work injury, the risk management people were pressuring me I wasn't healing quickly enough for the companie's liking. My direct boss kept telling me I was being lazy & incompetent because I was struggling to walk & lift heavy items, which was the job I was in. Everyone kept trying to suggest I should resign even though I had lost my ability to do heavy labour which was what training I had. I wasn't qualified to do anything else, so how could I give up my compo? There were harassing phone calls at home and I was followed by a private investigator & had the photos sent to my home. I never even wanted to sue. They kept insisting I was still able to physically do my preinjury duties of 50 hours per week, up to 30kg. lifting, repetitive bending. In reality I struggled to walk to the front door of work. I could only do 15 hours per week at the time and with every step, every bend or every twist sharp pains would shoot though my body. I went home sobbing every day. I was dem0ted. They thought it would make me quit, but I knew they planned to make me quit, because otherwise they would have to pay me a lot, so I stuck it out. I copped another month of hostility berfore they caved in & fired me. I was scared and broke, but more relieved than I'd ever been in my life.
I have pulled my life together again now. I have retrained and am now an accountant. I go to the gym regularly which reduces my back pain & helps me walk easier. I haven't made friends. It is very hard to trust again because all my old friends turned their back on me in a personal crisis. My self esteem is very low, but I'm working on it.
I plan to beat my old bullies by beating my anxiety with pure honesty & facing what I'm afraid to do, which is to admit my feelings. I will learn to say no when I am asked to do unreasonable things.
If anyone can relate to this, can you please, please tell me how you feel, or tell me your story, or tell me anything about it. I have felt so alone and unsupported for so many years. I am hoping that someone understands, because usually no one does.
Thankyou :)
Melody
I was wondering if anyone else feels that their social phobia is due to bullying, either currently, or from way in the past from what feels like a million years ago. I was wondering if anyone thinks this is the cause of panic attacks.
When I was having low times in my life, I have always attracted bullies. They hate me. That narcissistic type of personality likes to target me & constantly drag me down if I'm ever trusting enough to let on my feelings. These types of people seem sickly sweet to everyone else and convince everyone else that they are right.
I have had this type of nasty treatment from when I was younger from my step-dad. I wasn't allowed to say anything, or do anything. I was always wrong. He would punish me for making a joke or talking about a feeling. He would punish me for talking to my mum, but he would make up another excuse that didn't make sense. Then it started to happen at school with the sickly sweet school counselor's daughter who was very popular and convinced everyone I wasn't worth knowing until I was isolated & ridiculed each day. My old friends turned into friendemies & kept teasing me & stealing my stuff. When you have no friends left at school, you are open game for anyone to be as nasty as they want, because no one would ever believe me, not the teachers or the counselor especially. This situation "taught me" that I wasn't safe to be anyone at all or I could be beaten up, followed around all day with the constant insults, and then if I ever reacted, no matter how much I tried to explain it would be only me with the detention & eventually getting kicked out of that school. There was not many places to hide, and they were places I got in trouble for going to.
I thought it was all over. I thought I had moved on. I worked for a large company for many years. I got promoted. I had another narcissistic boss who accused me of things I didn't do, let other people off for far worse mistakes, she yelled at me evey day even though I was doing my job as perfectly as is humanly possible. It was just hate. I felt like I was incompetent because I could never keep up with the demands, but everyone else got praised. They weren't doing any more work than me. I couldn't understand it. When you get that nervous every day, it makes you more likely to make mistakes because you can't calm down.
After I had my work injury, the risk management people were pressuring me I wasn't healing quickly enough for the companie's liking. My direct boss kept telling me I was being lazy & incompetent because I was struggling to walk & lift heavy items, which was the job I was in. Everyone kept trying to suggest I should resign even though I had lost my ability to do heavy labour which was what training I had. I wasn't qualified to do anything else, so how could I give up my compo? There were harassing phone calls at home and I was followed by a private investigator & had the photos sent to my home. I never even wanted to sue. They kept insisting I was still able to physically do my preinjury duties of 50 hours per week, up to 30kg. lifting, repetitive bending. In reality I struggled to walk to the front door of work. I could only do 15 hours per week at the time and with every step, every bend or every twist sharp pains would shoot though my body. I went home sobbing every day. I was dem0ted. They thought it would make me quit, but I knew they planned to make me quit, because otherwise they would have to pay me a lot, so I stuck it out. I copped another month of hostility berfore they caved in & fired me. I was scared and broke, but more relieved than I'd ever been in my life.
I have pulled my life together again now. I have retrained and am now an accountant. I go to the gym regularly which reduces my back pain & helps me walk easier. I haven't made friends. It is very hard to trust again because all my old friends turned their back on me in a personal crisis. My self esteem is very low, but I'm working on it.
I plan to beat my old bullies by beating my anxiety with pure honesty & facing what I'm afraid to do, which is to admit my feelings. I will learn to say no when I am asked to do unreasonable things.
If anyone can relate to this, can you please, please tell me how you feel, or tell me your story, or tell me anything about it. I have felt so alone and unsupported for so many years. I am hoping that someone understands, because usually no one does.
Thankyou :)
Melody