View Full Version : Worried sick re:colon cancer and feeling suicidal
I still have that stupid lump in my abdomen and I can feel it getting bigger and my stomach looks even more uneven than before (upper and lower right side sticks out).
Also I've had shortness of breath for months now and I read everywhere that there are NO SYMPTOMS of colon cancers on the right side, apart from shortness of breath (from anaemia resulting from slow invisible blood loss), and later a palpable lump and vague pain. And I have exactly these!
Yesterday it looked so bad that I mentioned it to my boyfriend again, who again said he can't see a thing and later he started shouting at me that he's had enough of this, one minute he was telling me to forget about this already, the next minute he was telling me that the fact that this has not been properly investigated yet is ALL MY FAULT, I probably don't say the right thing to the doctors!!! I've been to see 2 GPs, twice each, two gastro visits, two ultrasounds, a blood test, a stool test, and everyone just brushed it off, and now my boyfriend tells me it's my fault if I'm sick and haven't been diagnosed yet???
I stormed out in the middle of the night walking on the street crying and thinking about killing myself, jumping in the river or in front of a car or a bus. There is no one to help me, I feel ashamed in front of the GP now, I need my boyfriend to say - that's it, we're getting to the bottom of this and coming with me, or otherwise listening to me and telling me it's only 2 months until the colonoscopy now and if I survived for a year I'll be fine in these months or whatever....
Help me, I'm afraid that I will go insane, or actually kill myself to end this mental suffering and uncertainty. :weep:
I don't have any pearls of wisdom for you, but just wanted to write so that you know that someone is thinking of you.
If I was you I would go and see my GP and tell them about feeling suidical; you should not feel this way on your own and they will help you in a heart beat believe me.
As for your boyfriend, men find it hard to comprehend sometimes and most are useless at saying the right thing, so you're not alone on that score either.
Take care
XX
:bighug1:
:hugs: You need to see your GP now - ashamed or not. Make your boyfriend come with you too (if he will).
Firstly, if you are feeling truly suicidal, they need to help you on that front. Secondly, he needs to come with you to hear what the GP says to you and what you say to the GP.
The fact that two GPs and specialists have 'brushed it off' is a good thing because they WOULD NOT do that if they thought something was really wrong. You have had ultrasounds and blood tests - presumably they came back normal? Again, a good thing. I didn't quite understand about the colonoscopy, are you having one? In two months, or have you had one? IF you are due to have one in two months then I think that is also a good sign, because if the doctors thought it were serious, you would have had one already.
BUT, the real issue here is how you're feeling. Which is obviously very scared and very low. These feelings need to be dealt with and your GP needs to know how you are feeling. This is what GPs are there for, so don't feel embarrassed or ashamed. You need to deal with it - go to the GP and tell him/her everything. It's what I did when it all got too much for me and I didn't believe everyone when they told me I was ok. It all came pouring out to my GP, how I was scared every day, how it was ruining my relationship with my husband - and you know what, she was SO incredibly caring and kind (me having always thought she was rather dismissive and uncaring) and she listened and helped me out.
You need to do this. Because whether or not your boyfriend or your doctors believe there is something physically wrong is irrelevant - and there probably isn't. But you are in such a state and you need help - we all know how you are feeling and have been there in one way or another and we are there for you now but you have to try and help yourself.
I think it is very hard for other halves - ie boyfriends/wives/girlfriends/husbands etc. If they are normal and do not suffer from anxiety it is incredibly hard for them to understand how we are feeling. And we get so caught up in ourselves and how we feel that it leaves no room for them or a normal life and that must be terribly frustrating for them. Also, men like to know that they can help out in some way and your boyfriend probably feels helpless and that is such an emasculating thing for a man - in fact we all hate feeling helpless and powerless, so maybe try a bit to see it from his point of view. As far as he can tell, you have been told you are ok and that there is nothing wrong. He can't see the symptoms you describe (despite the fact that you can) and therefore is unable to sympathise.
But PLEASE go an see a GP and be honest with them. Not just about what you think your physical symptoms are but also that you are bogged down with anxiety and suicidal thoughts.... it is essential that you try and help yourself in this way.
For the record, anxiety can produce VERY real symptoms and the more we google etc about our supposed conditions, the more we can make them real - I don't think you have colon cancer at all, I really don't but I do believe that, to you, the swelling and sensations you are feeling are very real. Doctors I have spoken to say that anxiety can create symptoms that seem real to the person feeling them - that's not to say you are mad (please don't think that I'm saying that -otherwise I am too as I have lots of symptoms that noone else can see but I think are there) but that your mind is a powerful tool and can create a very real disorder in your mind that seems to manifest itself physically....
Please go to a GP for your own sake mainly but also for your boyfriend who is obviously finding it very hard too....
We're all here for you if you need us.
xx
Hello amu,
I am so sorry you are feeling so distraught with this on going worry you have. I have been in a position before when it has become impossible to shake off the belief there is something terribly wrong, and there comes a point when the anxiety takes over and we feel there is no way to turn. The colonoscopy will give you an absolute definitive answer, which is what you so desperately need, and I understand how difficult it must be waiting for this to be done. I know when I have been at rock bottom with worry there have been moments when I am able to take a step back from it all, and I hope you will have some of these calm periods. Please do take comfort from the fact that both doctors have examined you twice, and have not been concerned; your two gastro visits have come back clear, as have your ultra sound visits together with blood tests and stool test. I know your fear is that this cancer can be hidden without symptoms (apart from the shortness of breath), but with all the tests you have had it most certainly would have been detected. As an anxiety sufferer I know only too well how it can play awful tricks on our minds, and I am certain the shortness of breath you are experiencing together with other vague pain is absolutely nothing sinister. Health Anxiety is very hard to understand, and our loved ones can get very upset seeing us so depressed, especially since there is little they can do to comfort us, and sometimes they react in the way your boyfriend has. It doesn't mean to say they are uncaring - it is just hard for them to cope.
I think it might be worthwhile seeing your doctor, and explain to him you are feeling so low with all this worry; perhaps your boyfriend will go with you - try not to feel ashamed - hopefully your doctor will understand your mental anguish. I wish I could find a way to reassure you; there are plenty of people here who understand totally what you are feeling, and we are here to support you, so please don't feel alone. Rosie x x x
countrygirl
22-04-09, 16:39
My husband suffers from mild manic depression and a couple of years ago he becamse suicidal and saw his GP on a Friday night - she immediately telephoned me to say don't leave him alone for a minute over the weekend and the next day a team from the mental health unit called to assess him - by then he was much much better so they were happy to let him stay at home. So go and tell your GP how you feel and why and he will have to implement the crisis mental health team - they were very very good.
If you had colon cancer bad enough to produce a feelable lump in your abdomen then no ultrasound result would be normal. I worked for a GP ( not the most sensible job for someone with HA!) and one of the patients had a past history of cancer and he was sent for an ultrasound because he was being constantly sick - he had no feelable lump but the ultrasound (and it was just a basic abdominal one nothing fancy)showed up a mass in his abdomen that turned out to be a reaccurance of his colon cancer. The big point here being that the ultrasound showed up a mass even when it coudn't be felt by anyone so you can be totally reassured that a large feelable mass would be seen.
Has anyone else said you have a noticeable lump or is it just you who can see and feel it???? It its just you then it may be because you are looking at yourself from above - daft as it sounds - I have a tummy cos I am overweight and one side is noticeably bigger than the other one side of my tummy button but its always been like this so its just how my fat is disributed.
Please see your GP and tell him how bad you feel and why.
I still have that stupid lump in my abdomen (intestines) and I can feel it getting bigger and my stomach looks even more uneven than before (upper and lower right side sticks out).
Also I've had shortness of breath for months now and I read everywhere that there are NO SYMPTOMS of colon cancers on the right side, apart from shortness of breath (from anaemia resulting from slow invisible blood loss), and later a palpable lump and vague pain. And I have exactly these!(Have you been diagnosed with anemia? If not, press hard on the tip of your finger nail with another finger nail, if it turns white underneath, anemia is very unlikely)
Yesterday it looked so bad that I mentioned it to my boyfriend again, who again said he can't see a thing and later he started shouting at me that he's had enough of this, one minute he was telling me to forget about this already, the next minute he was telling me that the fact that this has not been properly investigated yet is ALL MY FAULT, I probably don't say the right thing to the doctors!!! I've been to see 2 GPs, twice each, two gastro visits,(experts in their field) two ultrasounds,(capable of finding less than a thimble of fluid in the abdomen, let alone a tumour which by your reckoning, must be huge by now) a blood test,( rules out markers) a stool test,(rules out blood and probable infection) and everyone just brushed it off,(no they didn't, they told you that disease is not present) and now my boyfriend tells me it's my fault if I'm sick and haven't been diagnosed yet???( He's just worn out babe, he doesn't really understand what HA can do to a person)
I stormed out in the middle of the night walking on the street crying and thinking about killing myself, jumping in the river or in front of a car or a bus. There is no one to help me, I feel ashamed in front of the GP now, I need my boyfriend to say - that's it, we're getting to the bottom of this and coming with me, or otherwise listening to me and telling me it's only 2 months until the colonoscopy now and if I survived for a year I'll be fine in these months or whatever....( and you surely will, although your sensitized nerves are bluffing you, and convincing you otherwise)
Help me, I'm afraid that I will go insane, or actually kill myself to end this mental suffering and uncertainty. :weep:
Hi Amu
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time right now. I've highlighted some area's in your post, not to belittle what you are going through, I know just how hard it is for you at the moment, but it is sometimes important to have hard facts laid out in front of you.
You do not have cancer, I can assure you of that! You now have an obsession with this part of your body, which may or may not be there. What you have to remember is that everyone's body is different, we all have little inconsistencies, some of us have harmless lumps or bumps, others have aches and pains, which have been investigated by countless GP's and specialists, and nothing sinister has been found.
Your obsession with this part of your body is obviously taking up too much of your time and energy. It doesn't matter what I write here, you still won't be convinced, so why don't you arrange another appointment with your GP, and take your partner along with you. Your GP may do better at explaining to him what you are going through, and I'm quite sure, he will leave with a better understanding of HA, and may be able to offer you more support because of this.
House.
nomorepanic
22-04-09, 16:42
Amu
You say that you are worried about cancer but want to end your life as well cos you can't stand living like this and the possibility of cancer. Isn't that contradicting what you are scared of?
They would not have let you leave if they thought there was a possibility of cancer and unless you start to believe the docs and all the tests then you will never get over this and move on.
A colonoscopy is not pleasant either but if you have this and it is all clear will you believe the results then?
eurotrashcub
22-04-09, 17:22
Hello
I am sorry you are going through this.
I believe the first thing you should do is deal with your suicidal thoughts. Yous hould see your GP straight away and maybe call the samaritans or a similar organisation to speak to someone and get it all off your chest.
Once you are a bit calmer, then you can speak to your GP about your concerns regarding cancer, which I am sure that as real as they feel, they are very likley to be unfounded.
Come to the chat room and have a word with a friendly person there. Keep posting.
Keep you chin up. Things will get worse. Life is worth living and things will get better.
Hugs
x
(re:Bex's comments) Yeah the tests so far came back normal. But they are not the best at detecting bowel cancers, especially on the right side.
I did not get a colonoscopy referral from the GPs, they just said not to worry and go home, but in two months I am going back to my hometown where I booked a colonoscopy with a private healthcare provider.
I am worried that if i tell my GP how I feel, it will confirm her point of view that she does not need to send me for further tests, she will then prescribe me antidepressants and send me home which might just send me off the edge. (Don't get me wrong, I DO suffer from anxiety and depression, which I am aware of and I probably need treatment for that, I'm just worried that I also have something physically wrong with me.)
House: thanks for this, exactly what I need.
Nicola: I am not scared of death, especially not of sudden death, so to say. I am scared of knowing something is wrong early on and getting misdiagnosed, slowly weakening then eventually dying after my whole family including my son cried over my deathbed for a month. Suicidal thoughts are never rational, they come suddenly like a sudden desire to end it and that moment I care about nothing else. Then comes reason and the shame and guilt over these thoughts because of my young child.
I should mention for those who don't know that my father died of undetected bowel cancer at 49 years old when I was pregnant and since then I have been suffering from depression. I should also mention that two of my close family members (grandmother and uncle) committed suicide.
Also, regarding taking my boyfriend to the GP - he feels sceptical about mental illness, I can't talk to him about depression, because his solution is "get yourself together" and he gets annoyed by the whole thing.
Forgot to say, thank you all for posting - I have no one to talk to about this. I live far away from my family and my best friends, my friends in Scotland know nothing and believe I'm a happy, easy-going, cheerful person. My partner is the only person I can rely on, but he's helpless for the reasons you all mentioned.
Sambapati85
23-04-09, 00:49
Well i dont mean to sound like an idiot but your boyfriend sounds like a douchebag. I would recommend as soon as you get the chance .. to find someone who is going to be there for you and not make you run off in the middle of the night , in the state that you are in. I understand that he is all you have right now soo you''ll have to settle, which sucks, and i sympathize with you. Also if you had a blood test.. blood tests now will show your blood cell counts.. if there is cancer it wll most likely show up in your blood test. A simple blood test can determine alot that is wrong.
I am totally with you on the death aspect.. anticiation, knowing you have an illness slowly dying is my worst fear.. quick death is much preferred. If i were you and really freaked out about it i would just tell your doctor listen i can't wait , i want the test one now, i'll pay.. . keep us updated on your status
Bless you.
I have to agree with the last poster. I speak from experience. I try to keep my anxiety hidden when I am seeing someone because they don't want to hear our complaints, although of course in time they get to see the "real" us and are either understanding or not. Everyone has some strange ways about them and some guys care enough, love us enough to not let this drive them away.
One of my exes walked out of my house while I was doubled over in pain. He told me I sound like an old lady on a park bench. Notice I said my "ex". I left him after that. I wound up indeed having an inflamed gall bladder and had it out.
Maybe you are too distraught now to evaluate the relationship. Maybe he's a good guy 99% of the time but to upset you when you needed support the most is just not good.
What you and all of us need to realize is that health anxiety is a FORM of anxiety that our minds decided to pick, not by conscious choice but that's how it happened to manifest itself. There is usually something underlying the anxiety and there is a reason that our health anxiety starts up worse when life has problems or stress. Instead of just focusing on your cancer fear, perhaps it's time to think about what's bothering you in your life. Reassess your relationship, get yourself calm..forget about the colon cancer fear because that is not what it's about. You know, we all know, that when that's resolves, we jump to something else. I think it's important that you recognize this.
As far as suicide, I have also felt like that so many times, absolute mental torture. There is always hope and there is help available. The horrible times always pass....just keep telling yourself that. I am so sorry that your friend is being unsympathetic. He may just not be the right one for you. There ARE super guys out there, no boyfriend is permanent. This isn't the time to make a decision, I know...but keep that in your mind when things calm down. He may be part of the problem now, I don't know your relationship. I hope you're able to talk to him about this. My thoughts are with you but hang in there and keep us posted. xo Lauren
I know the word "boyfriend" sounded casual, but we have been together for 7 years and we have a 5-year-old son. In fact we are going to get married.
However, my Mum says the exact same thing, that my health fears are about our relationship - which is the reason why I stopped telling her about the latest development in the colon cancer department as she usually listens then tells me not to get married.
When I wake up in the morning, like just now, I can't feel the lump and my stomach looks more even, but my side is quite sore. Later in the day I can always feel it and it looks worse. I don't think anyone ever looked forward a colonoscopy the way I do! :blush:
Amu - and when you have the colonoscopy, and hopefully (and I would say most likely) it turns out ok? Then what? Let's say, best case scenario, your worst fears are proved wrong and that you are fine and that your symptoms and sensations are just anxiety (when I say 'just' anxiety - I use the term loosely).... what do you do then?
I think it's good that you are going for a colonoscopy - because you need to know what is going on, if anything. But you will then have to address your other issues, such as your relationship and your depression. I totally understand that you are reluctant to see your GP in case she/he puts it all down to depression but the fact is, you could get your depression treated and still have the colonoscopy. I think that if you tell your GP about how you're feeling but insist that despite what she/he may think, you are really concerned about colon cancer/bowel cancer because of your father's history and because you can see/feel a lump (though I agree with House, if you could actually see and feel a lump, cancer would show up on the scan as it would have to be fairly huge and advanced for that) you need to have it investigated as thoroughly as possible.
Bowel cancer and any kind of abdominal cancer are often diagnosed late because there are no symptoms of the type you describe such as protruding stomach and lump because they show up at advanced stages... by which stage you would be feeling truly lousy and blood tests would have shown bad results by that stage. As would a scan.
You have a child and that is a wonderful thing but your relationship sounds as if it needs serious thought as well - if your mother is saying to you that it has problems - then might it?
I know that we all find it hard to think ahead - but I think you need to consider what will happen if the colonoscopy proves to be clear.... because at the moment it is all you can focus on, and you can push your relationship and it's problems to the back as you can blame the problems on your terrible worry about potential cancer - but once that has been proved to be wrong - then what?
When is your colonoscopy? Is there anyway it could be brought nearer?
I lived in Singapore for six years so I totally understand what it is like to be away from your close friends and your family - it's horrible and can compound all sorts of issues and loneliness is the worst thing in the world.... but we are here for you and please keep posting - especially if you have these thoughts of suicide and ending it all.... because we can help keep you going and strong until you get to the colonoscopy. But please consider addressing the depression at the same time - I don't think your GP will brush it aside (your colon issues) if you give her the whole scenario as honestly as you can.:hugs:
Thanks. I'm in the same situation as you were in Singapore, I live far away from my Mum, and she is very worried as she can see how deeply unhappy I am and she thinks it must be my relationship - to some extent she is right, but there are other issues contributing to the way I feel: 1. I am the single earner of the family, have been working hard since I finished university to be able to look after my family as my partner is younger than me and still at uni. 2. For this reason we keep struggling with money and even though I have a good degree and a good job I have no money to spend on myself, to go out etc. 3. At work I am the only woman under 40 who has kids and I have a boss from hell 4. I feel awfully lonely and have no family and friends around.
I hate myself even for posting all these complaints, in my head I can handle my life but I can't handle this fear of cancer and this compulsive lump-checking.
In terms of bowel cancer: yeah this is what I am afraid of, that it is already advanced but it has been missed so far. On the right side stools are still liquid and the bowel is larger, which means no other symptoms/obstruction until it grows large enough to be seen and felt from the outside.
(My Dad did not have this by the way, he had cancer in the upper left side, and he had still no symptoms until it appeared in the liver - at least as far as I know, but sometimes I think he had known he had cancer earlier than he told us.)
I understand about it getting large enough to be seen from the outside and felt but wouldn't it have been picked up by a scan at that stage?
Amu - you sound like you're in a horrid place (mentally) - and i'm not surprised that you're feeling depressed with your situation.... could your partner not get a part-time job whilst he's at Uni? Realise that's easier said than done but could he try? Who looks after your child? Do you have to pay for child-care too? And there is nothing worse than having a boss you don't get on with - I had one for a year that I HATED and my life was a living hell.
You say that you can cope with your miserable life but not your cancer fear. Surely they are intertwined, without one, would the other be as bad? Meaning, that if you were happy at work, had time and cash to socialise and an understanding, supportive partner - would your cancer fear be as bad? I think it might be your way of projecting your fears and misery about your life onto something else - making you think you're physically dying when actually you're just downright unhappy...
This issue needs to be addressed as I said before.... because I am no expert, but it sounds like one is causing the other....
You don't have cancer Amu - you really don't. But you are very unhappy and your life is pretty difficult. And, as I said, once you've tried to deal with your depression, other things might well improve...
I so feel for you I really do but one thing I'm almost sure of, you do not have bowel cancer...
"compulsive lump checking"
This is my thing..I have such a phobia of cancer,it's unreal.
I really feel for you sweety and I read someone say that it was a contradiction that you were scared you had cancer but you wanted to kill yourself..
I know exactly what you mean.
I went through the same thoughts a few weeks ago and I think it's to do with control..if you're not well,it's not you're doing.out of your control and can't choose how you die..but in killing yourself,you do..that's the way I thought but I couldn't do it..just dying freaks the hell out me. And I'm sorry you feel this way cos it is GOD.AWFUL.
You don't want to die though,it's all these painful thoughts and stuff going on in your head.
But blood tests and things would definitely show if something was real wrong.
I can only echo what people have said.
Please try and speak tosomeone about the anxiety and depression cos I really think the body just gets stressed out when the mind does.
"healthy mind,healthy body" is so true in my eyes.
They go hand in hand and need one for the other.
PM me ANYTIME you now,cos I really do know where you're coming from hun
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Bex: yeah my only hope is the ultrasound scan, that was about 8 months ago, but then I could already feel and see the stupid lump.
He can't get a part time job as he is at uni in the mornings (architecture, f.. time consuming and neverending degree) then he picks up our son from the nursery at 4pm, and if he worked in the evenings that would be a nightmare family-wise. Thanks so much for what you said, I wish I could get the courage to stand up to the GP and explain how terrible I feel.
WeeMee: I remember your posts from a few weeks back, it felt familiar. It feels good being on here and trying to post something comforting as I have some experience with imagined symptoms, unfortunately. It feels so silly afterwards, doesn't it?
For example, I went through the usual "something stuck in throat" feeling that everyone with health anxiety has at some point, and I also had the "headache equals brain tumour" fear and our old friend, the "my moles/freckles seem to be changing" experience. But this latest colon cancer one has been going on for over a year, and it is just getting worse and worse, it's like a drug, I need my reassurance "hit" from a doctor. :weep:
I hope you don't mind if I keep posting about my stupid fears as I'm waiting for the colonoscopy, it helps me stay in my right mind. :hugs:
Not at all hun, I have a letter referral for the dermatologist for my moles/freckles next Thur cosa few weeks ago I was sure I had skin cancer..still a bit iffy with on eon my leg but not thinking about it as much.ad it hasn't changed since then so..hoping!
It's awful that we get oursleves into such a state and even worse when you feel docs don't believe you.
But in reality 9 times out of 10 there is nothing there for them to see or such.
The colonscopy wil def put your mind at rest.
Did they give you a rectal exam?
I suffered bad constipation for about 5 weeks and was intent on KNOWING I had colon/bowel/something cancer down there..and was on movicol..and lactulose,still got tons in the meds cupboard..but I got sick of taking them and cut everything out and in the next few days,I poohed about 8 times. All good solid poohs.
Stress can knock the digestive system to hell and I'm just wondering if it is maybe a muscular thing or something?
How is your bowel movements??
It is so awful to feel alone in this and my partner just left me yesterday cos we were just getting on each others nerves..think he got partially fed up with me and my moans so I know how it feels.
I'm here to talk. It is good to know that someone else got into the same "scared to die/kill myself" frame of mind cos in trying to explain to a doc,I felt would be pointless..but I did and they told me it was the feel of control which is what I toldyou..but it isn't a solution at all.
I'm holding on to something..what right now I don't know..but I aint letting HA or anything else take me down..not for a minute. And you shouldn't too.
xxxxxxxxxxxx
Sorry to hear about your partner, I guess it is hard for them to see our point of view. In our case I don't want a solution from him, or justifying the anxiety, I just want a little comforting or support, which I don't get.
My bowel movements are fine, but this doesn't help as right side bowel cancers don't cause diarrhea/constipation.:shrug:
Yeah about suicide it must be the feeling of control. However, my thoughts of suicide don't come as a conscious decision, more like a sudden wave of desire to end it right there and then, usually when I try to ask for help from my partner and we have a fight instead, which is the worst timing possible for a fight.
I agree yes.. Where did you find out about the right hand side cancer thing? Did you google? :(
Google is awful for us Ha sufferers :'(
How long have you noticed the lump??
If it was cancer though,the lump wouldn't have disappeared!!
I know it's hard to listen when you are so anxious..I wish you would see.
What kind of sore is it?
And yes when we feel crap and then our partners fight..doesn't help at all.
xxxxxxx
I googled, but I never look at crappy sites like webmd and wrongdiagnosis, just official sources like cancer research uk and nhs sites.
I noticed that my right side is sticking out over a year ago, I first visited my GP exactly a year ago, and neither him nor the other two doctors could feel what I feel. It doesn't disappear as such, but it kind of depends on the position whether I can feel it, for example I can always feel an see it after a bath when it's easy to make my stomach flat.
It's not the same pain that you would feel when you are bloated, or when you're about to have diarrhoea, it's more a pulling muscle-like pain (maybe I keep pressing it too much?).
But the top half is very uneven too, right side is bigger than left, maybe it's just the abdominal muscles but I keep thinking cancer has spread to my liver. :weep: I know, I know, don't say anything...
I felt soo breathless today, I had a nap late in the afternoon because I got up very early and had a tiring day out with another family, and I kept waking up with a tight chest, feeling that I can't take a proper breath.
Relationship-wise it has been an ok day... I saw an old friend last night and I told him many things that bothered me and it felt so good, talking to someone honestly for once.
Hi, I know what are you going thru, because I'm in similar situation as you are. I also have a pain in the right side of my tummy, diagnosed anemia and I'm 99% sure it's a colon cancer. No one obviously doesn't belive me, but i'm having colonoscopy this Sat and i' find out. I had to beg my GP for "fast track" to be seeing by a specialist.
Please don't think about suicide, you have to be strong all the more that you're not diagnosed yet. I try to be strong for my 3 years old daughter and I belive i'l survive this nasty thing ( if diagnosed).
If you want to talk about it let me know, regards, Jo
Jo, thanks and I'll be thinking about you on Sat, please tell me how it went afterwards. I hope the results will be good!:hugs:
I had a major panic attack today as after I had quite a lot to eat I felt so bloated and my upper right side now seems giant (boyfriend still won't see it though I can hardly sit from the discomfort). I don't know what to do, I feel so depressed and so certain that something is very wrong. :weep: My little boy is trying to cheer me up and it breaks my heart.
PS: I hope you all don't mind if I keep writing so I don't lose my mind :unsure:
Hi amu, I also hope that my conoloscopy prove I'm wrong although i'm more and more anxious. I've found a really good site which is about colon problems http://coloncancer.about.com/. There's a lot to read about our problem and maybe you'll find it helpful. Please let me know if you're going to have a colonoscopy soon, that's the most important thing to find a cancer, if there's one. I don't know if I'll be able to write about results my colonoscopy, i may be too shocked but if it show that it's not the cancer I'll let you know, Jo
Five days from now you will now and this worry will be over!
Don't you have the feeling that you just wish you knew, for me it almost doesn't matter what the results will be, I just wanna know so I can plan for the future, look ahead even if I do need treatment, I'm just sick of checking my tummy all the time.
On one side i wish to know what's wrong with me , but on the other side i Don't know how I'd react knowing i have a colon cancer. Sometimes I wish I never wake up in the morning and just have an everlasting dream...But this is life, it's harsh sometimes and there's so many tragedies around a world that i shouldn't be complaining. I'm just worry about my daughter and my mom, because i'm afraid that my illness could kill her ( she is very sensitive and over caring person ). But the thinking about my daughter's future, if i'd die from the cancer, is the worst of all. I just hope she won't suffer too much and would cope easily without her mom. That's of course the worst case scenario, because i' a fighter and won't give up too easily:).
Anyway, when do YOU have a colonoscopy?
ps. sorry for a grammar mistakes if there're any, but I'm not English spoken person :), regards, Jo:blush:
randomworry
29-04-09, 00:21
hi AMu and asiek dont want to hijack the post but i have exactly the same fears right now - i fear i have colon cancer because i get blood in my stool and have been scheduled for a colonoscopy. im only 24 so i find this really scary but i really do think u should not be talking about death i mean none of us have a diagnosis and its far more likely to be something minor so stary very positive with the thought processes guys....all the best
Hi, I'm 28, and I know that you're right, but I'm not famous for the positive thought process. :shrug:
When is your colonoscopy? I'm sure you will be fine xxx
Jo, I am not from the UK either (though I have lived here for a long time), and I am going back home to get a private colonoscopy on the 1st of July, so still 2 months until I find out. But I've had my symptoms for over a year, so I guess I can hang on for another couple of weeks...
randomworry
29-04-09, 16:51
mines on the 28th of May -- will be fun watching the inside of my colon on the screen!
all the best
Hi amu and randomworry ( i like your nick ):), I'm the oldest because I'm 34 although I don't feel it :).
Randomworry, I think you have no reason to worry at all, because if it's your only symptom ( bleeding), it probably is because you have a hemorrhoids. \it's good that you're going to have colonoscopy, you will know what's wrong with you and why you bleeding after bowel movements. Let us know!
Amu, i have a pain since January and it's been with me every day. I also feel lightheaded because of anemia. Are you diagnosed with anemia? That's very common symptom associated with this kind of cancer. It's quite a long time to wait for colonoscopy but if there's no chance to have it earlier there's nothing you can do about it, just be patient ( although it's not easy, I know).
Hope everything will be fine for three of us, all the best, Jo
randomworry
29-04-09, 22:03
asiek you may have anaemia but because of your age the chance of it being a symptom of colon cancer is low
all the best
Randomworry, if there was only aneamia I wouldn't worry too much but I have also a pain on the right hand side of my tummy and these two symptoms can be a sign of colon cancer:weep:. I just hope that there's other illness which have similar symptoms but unfortunately I couldn't find anything on the internet:unsure:.
In a few days I'll know for sure and hope that I'm wrong...Regards, asiek
Hi everyone!
HURRAY, it's not a cancer!!!! :)))) I'm so relived, you can't imagine, because my 3 yrs old will have her mummy with her :). I just have something which is called melanosis coli, I have no idea what is it but nothing serious ( I was told so).
Amu and randomworry, please let me know how yours results are after colonoscopy. I wish you all the best and keep fingers crossed to be as good as mine! Regards, Jo
randomworry
02-05-09, 20:34
congratulations asiek really pleased to here the good news. I knew it wasnt cancer tho and sure me and amu will be fine too.
take care
Chrismascray
03-05-09, 17:55
I don't have any pearls of wisdom for you, but just wanted to write so that you know that someone is thinking of you.
If I was you I would go and see my GP and tell them about feeling suidical; you should not feel this way on your own and they will help you in a heart beat believe me.
As for your boyfriend, men find it hard to comprehend sometimes and most are useless at saying the right thing, so you're not alone on that score either.
Take care
XX
:bighug1:
Unfair comment on MEN, we are NOT all alike just as some Women can drive !!.
Chrismascray
03-05-09, 18:21
I still have that stupid lump in my abdomen and I can feel it getting bigger and my stomach looks even more uneven than before (upper and lower right side sticks out).
Also I've had shortness of breath for months now and I read everywhere that there are NO SYMPTOMS of colon cancers on the right side, apart from shortness of breath (from anaemia resulting from slow invisible blood loss), and later a palpable lump and vague pain. And I have exactly these!
Yesterday it looked so bad that I mentioned it to my boyfriend again, who again said he can't see a thing and later he started shouting at me that he's had enough of this, one minute he was telling me to forget about this already, the next minute he was telling me that the fact that this has not been properly investigated yet is ALL MY FAULT, I probably don't say the right thing to the doctors!!! I've been to see 2 GPs, twice each, two gastro visits, two ultrasounds, a blood test, a stool test, and everyone just brushed it off, and now my boyfriend tells me it's my fault if I'm sick and haven't been diagnosed yet???
I stormed out in the middle of the night walking on the street crying and thinking about killing myself, jumping in the river or in front of a car or a bus. There is no one to help me, I feel ashamed in front of the GP now, I need my boyfriend to say - that's it, we're getting to the bottom of this and coming with me, or otherwise listening to me and telling me it's only 2 months until the colonoscopy now and if I survived for a year I'll be fine in these months or whatever....
Help me, I'm afraid that I will go insane, or actually kill myself to end this mental suffering and uncertainty. :weep:
Hi I am a Man, sorry to those who #feel all men dont understand, one coment I read, annoyed me, we are all different, our fears our worries our situations differ that is what makes us all unique. We have though many similarities, and I know I spelt that wrong, I wanted to let you know that THIS Man went through and to a lesser degree is going through a similar sio#tuation. Some 23 years ago my HA started, or probaly better to say I recognised it and it got me!!, I started with Bowel Cancer, no doubt whatso ever , I was convinced, I saw my Doctor again and again, he then sent me to see the TOP man in our area, he pressed and questioned and examined me, Nothing, it didnt go away until eventually, really to put my mind at rest I was told to go for the Camera up where the sun doesnt shine, never quite sure what it is called, any way, I was told, while a little dopy as they gave me a sedative, not sure if that is normal but I had it any way, so there I am dopy as hell with this Top Doc, must have been a top man he wroe a Bow tie, told me there was nothing wrong, I cant beleive I dd this, but I grabbed his coat, and NO i am not a Viloent man, pulled him towards me and said " dont lie to me Doctor", He pulled back lloked straight into my eyes and said " Mr M......... I have no intention or indeed desire to lie to you, you are fine!. I slept for a bout a half hour and Skipped out of the Hospital. Now my point is this, it can be because it is REAL, That doesnt mean it is Real cancer, but the feeling you have is real, if you have had the tests and Doctors telling you what they say they have I am sure they are right, I did have a neck problem once, a lump, I could feel it, I knew it was there but the Doctor couldnt, it wasnt until I had an X ray that I started to beleive it wasnt therem until then, They were all wrong and I was right, me with years and years of Doctor training NOT !.
It is real and that is the problem, not cancer or lumps and bumps but this feeling, it is as real as any illness, but cure is difficult, I feel for you not perhaps having a friend or soul mate you can pour it out to, I am lucky there, but there are so many people who care and I will take any bet so many people that love you. PLEASE Dont think you can get out of this by suicide, it really isnt the answewr and because you have mentioned it, you know it isnt as well, you want to be taken seriousley and you want someone to care, look at how many replies you have had, wow, and these people dont even know you, there are lots and lots of people who love and care for you, imagine what they would feel like if you werent here. Love them and love yourself, accept for a while at least what is going on and how you feel, the tests I am sure will come back negative and you will feel so much better. One more thing, wehat we all suffer here HA, Is real, it is , but with love and care time friendship and understanding, not always by others but mainlky to yourself by yourself, it will all go away, trust me, I am not a Doctor or a shrink, I am a Sufferer, good days bad days, they come they go, but one day the good on#es last longer than the bad and it just gets better, and so will you. I hope in one small way this has made you smile, or at the least look in the mirror and say " I ove you" cos' that is important. One Man here hoping that you are etting it together in all ways, we aint all the same, TAKE CARE BE STRONG AND SMILE, it helps.
Chris: Thank you for this great post, I loved your story on "don't lie to me Doctor" - fantastic!!!!! :) Exactly what I feel like doing all the time.
I have nothing against men, I love them :blush: and I know that many of them out there are supportive and kind, just as many women are and many aren't.
For the past two weeks I stopped telling my boyfriend (fiance) about my stomach worries, and he seems to have forgotten about the whole thing but I am still suffering inside. I think I need help from a psychologist (whether I am sick or not), but not sure how to do it as I want to go round the whole GP thing and also I just want to talk it out rather than take medication at this point - I did go to a psychiatrist years back and after I said two sentences she grabbed her pen to write a prescription for a large dose of antidepressants. I want to avoid this and get CBT or something instead, just not sure how to do it.
Anyway I'm still ok, my stomach looks the same, both top and bottom right side sticking out, but no other symptoms really apart from my "same s**t different day" approach to life. :winks:
Asiek: well done, I knew you would be fine! Try to grab onto this and don't slip back into HA!!!
This post has been automatically edited by the NMP post filter
Chrismascray
05-05-09, 08:56
Hi again, CBT well I saw my Doc some months ago, eeerr, I think then it was Heart Failure, god when you write it doen doesnt it sound/look weird, any way, She, a Lady Doc this time, said " You really need answers dont you" as she was explaining what the pain I felt was, I told her an answer from her was like a cure. She then suggested I saw a Phsycologist for some CBT. I agreed. Well I have seen the Nurse who apparantly kind of asses you, trouble with me is when I am up I am up, lippy lary funny ( well I think so) friendly and boing boing if you get my drift, so I am sat there and she is asking thewse quesations, ok I answered them honestly but I saw myself sat there, legs apart, arms over the two chairs, well laid back, it dawned on me I really didnt look or sound like a 'patient'. That said she told me I could see a 'trainee' or wait and see a seasoned Professional, I told her if I saw a Trainee and I was having a good day I could run rings around them, not trying to sound too clever here but 23 years of Panic anxiety etc etc I am pretty clued up and can talk it to death, so I am waiting to see the Pro, so to speak. My point, I do babble you might have noticed, is this: see the Doc and tell him/her you want to see a Phsycologist, they should then refer you.
As for what I said to the Doc that time, well I had to edit what I really said, because it wasnt dont lie it was more like dont bull**** me doc, I got the same response from him, made me chuckle, a Top doc with an Old school WELL Posh voice telling me he had No desire or indeed reason to Bull**** me.
Any way good luck, take care, your last post does seem as though you have calmed down a little , and that is good, take strength from coming through a little, oh and did I mention, smile.
Chrismascray
05-05-09, 09:00
Just a quick thought, when I wanted help some years ago I rang MIND They were fantastic and I saw a couple of practioners for several weeks, they were awesome and helped me an awful lot, maybe if you dont want to see the GP about a referal, ring MIND tell them the score and see what they can do, as I say they helped me No end.
Hahaha, don't bulls**t me doctor. :)
I probably need to drag myself to the GP and tell her how I feel to get myself referred to a psych... argh! I hate checking my stomach (seems worse every day to me, but then again, it doesn't look convincing enough from other people's point of view) and I absolutely despise this breathless feeling that I get in the evenings.
Also I am less and less bothered about my job... Maybe I should change careers and train to become an oncologist to face my fears? :)
(Sorry that I keep writing, but it calms me somehow... this is the only place when I can be 100% honest and I don't have to keep the smiley face on unless I want to!)
This post has been automatically edited by the NMP post filter
Hi Amu,
I just wanted to drop you a line to say that I know exactly how are you feeling both on the HA end and the boyfriend end. When my HA was at its worst over the holidays, my boyfriend was not supportive at all(we've been together 8 years). Don't get me wrong, he's a very supportive guy normally but he just seems to clam up when it comes to my health problems and anxiety. He's never once in his life had a panic attack. However, he does get chest pain due to anxiety so I feel like he should relate somehow, but he doesn't. Anyway...one memory that will never leave my mind was a terrible panic attack I had back around January and I was so jumpy/anxious/crying--a complete mess--that he just lost it and started yelling at me that I was *bleeping* crazy and that I need to get on some kind of medication because it's not right. All I wanted him to do was rush over to me and hold me and help me calm down...rub my back or ssh me or something. But as everyone else has said here, it doesn't necessarily make them bad people--they just don't understand.
My biggest thing now is that I'm not really having HA but still having some health problems on and off. Lately I've been feeling nauseous and I'm a natural complainer to begin with. His most common quote is "You're ALWAYS sick!" I try to put myself in his shoes and understand that it must be frustrating on the other end to constantly hear someone going on about their body/health. However, I did try to have a talk with him about that and tell him if there's anything he shouldn't say its that quote right there! I don't WANT to be sick. I don't WANT to feel this way. It almost makes you feel like they think that you want the problem or attention or something.
Well anyway, this post is getting to be quite a rant on my end. Sorry about that. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in this battle by any means. Suicide is not the answer, because I promise--it will get better!! If you'd like someone to talk to you can also PM me. I can give you some tips as to how I'm winning my battle against HA.
Hope I helped you out some, dear! Take care! :bighug1:
Hi Girlrock,
Your entire first paragraph could have been written by me. He does the exact same thing, when I'm panicking he shouts at me, and then he can be supportive over other things like work problems (but who cares about work really, when you are worried about cancer all day? I know I sound ridiculous). Also, when my boyfriend is stressed out over uni or something he can't sleep properly and he gets chest pains which are familiar to me but to him it's a very different thing.
"You're always sick" - he says this all the time, and it's not just HA he refers to but my actual sicknesses too. So if I get a cold and I tell him I don't feel well and I have a temperature, he starts rolling his eyes or joking around how I should never go to an exotic country because I always catch the weirdest illnesses. He also said I was "always sick" when half my face was paralysed due to Bell's palsy even though it was very clear that I didn't want it to happen.
I am almost scared to mention that we are getting married in just two months (not long after the colonoscopy ha ha), we've been together for 8 years too. But I don't know what this means - will I be able to count on him when I'm old or actually very sick? Am I ever going to be without mental problems or will I always have this in my life and therefore I should be with someone that understands that depression and anxiety is an actual sickness that causes suffering?
:shrug:
I'm going crazy with this thing! I can't believe how much my right side sticks out. (Fake?)-cancer-symptom-of-the-week: I started getting pain under my right shoulder blade, which is (according to my old google findings, I no longer dare google) a sign of an enlarged liver so I'm thinking giant liver metastases from my lower bowel lump. I know I am catastrophising but sometimes everything seems to fit. :mad:
7 weeks left until my colonoscopy and I'm already worried, not even about the findings, or the procedure, but things like what if they won't be able to look through the whole bowel - a while ago I read some horror article on the BBC saying that colonoscopy often misses right side cancers as sometimes it can't reach the lower right side -, and this would be the worst, still not knowing what's going on after the scan.
I'm keeping all this quiet at home now, this is why I needed to write it on here again... I need some help :unsure:
Alabasterlyn
17-05-09, 15:48
I worry about bowel cancer all the time too and have posted quite a few times lately on here regarding this. As I am 54 I do worry even more as I feel that my age is against me, although I do eat a healthy diet and have always made sure I eat lots of the so called 'superfoods' like blueberries etc.
I get a lump that comes and goes on the left hand side of my abdomen. It doesn't hurt and I've been to the Dr's a few times about it and gradually come to realise that it's just me being able to feel my own intestines. Now when I lay in the bath and prod around, okay I know I shouldn't be doing that, but I notice that the right hand side of my lower abdomen is higher than the left hand side and it's been like that for donkeys years. I just assume it's because that is where the large bowel starts.
I would love to feel able to just go and have a colonoscopy done, but my agoraphobia is my stumbling block here. I know they give you a sedative but I have taken benzos for so many years now that nothing even touches my anxiety :blush:
I have read about that campill that you swallow and it takes pictures of the whole of your intestines, including the parts that no cameras can reach. I have no idea how expensive it is, however I did see some guy on TV take it the other week and it was HUGE, so that's put me off trying to find out more about it :ohmy:
My boyfriend was the same he couldn't understand why was feeling way I was and kept saying I was mentally ill. However sometimes could be quite supportive and really calm me down. After one night of arguing about me so called illnesses I came on here and found quite a good quote and made him read it and he understands more now:
'UNLESS YOU HAVE BREATHED ANXIETY, TASTED ANXIETY AND LIVED WITH ANXIETY YOU DONT KNOW HOW IT FEELS..
NEVER JUDGE AN ANXIOUS PERSON BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW ONE DAY YOU MAY WAKE UP WITH IT YOURSELF.....'
This really sums it all up for me as I use to be same with one of my good friends who has suffered with anxiety for years, would feel like telling her to get a grip until it happened to me!
Amu, I am worrying at moment I have bowel cancer. My doc diagnosed me 2 weeks ago has having IBS and been taking tablets for it however still have feeling something stuck under right rib and also few weeks back thought could feel a lump. Like u noone else can see it. I am wondering what the pain is like u get in your right side? isit like I describe as this is apparently a symptom of IBS.
Hope u r doing ok xxx
Lyn, yeah that's what it feels like for me too and it's mostly visible when I'm in the bath. In fact I have stopped taking baths altogether and I'm only showering to prevent myself from freaking out. Yeah the campill sounds good, but it must be a fortune and not sure where it's available, plus if it's hard to swallow - I'm finding it hard to swallow anything right now, my chest feels so tight.
Tink, thank you for this. My boyfriend doesn't think he will ever get any kind of mental illness, in general people tend to view this as a question of personal strength, rather than an illness - you know, the "get yourself together" view and the "I'm not the kind of person that gets depressed/anxious" view. Argh.
The pain I say isn't actually too bad, it comes and goes and it used to be more like period pain, but sometimes it's like muscle pain but deep inside. Right now I can't feel it :)
Also I have started dieting because of the wedding but I know that if I do lose some weight I'll freak out that I look sick and that I lost weight in general... and the colonoscopy is just 10 days before the wedding, an I keep thinking that they will find a giant tumour and we'll call the wedding off anyway. Heeelp! :(
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.