Developed a fear of being on my own

[Gareth]

Hi all,

Just wondering if anyone can help at all with this... My anxiety is well into its sixth month now, and recently, over the past few weeks, I have developed a terrible fear of being on my own. This is new for me - I have always been fine on my own and when my wife has gone out for the evening I have looked forward to a night doing my own thing, just me and the cats!

But it is true to say that I have never lived on my own - always lived either with girlfriends or flatmates or family. I don't think I ever could live on my own, the thought of it is not a pleasant one.

I live with my wife, who recently told me the effect that my anxiety and depression have had on her, in that she feels scared for the future, and worried that I will not get better. I have found myself very disappointed and hurt by the things that she has said and the emotional distance she has now put between us, and have become obsessed that she is going to leave me, even though she says she is not going to. It feels like our entire relationship has suddenly changed, and that I can no longer rely on her being around - its kind of like I am trying to prepare myself for the worst by telling myself that the relationship is already over, when in fact it is not. This is clearly not helping the situation as these thoughts make me more depressed, and I therefore act more depressed around my wife, making me think she is more likely to leave me, and the circle goes round and round - all perpetuated entirely by me!

I think I am living with the sudden realisation that my marriage is not unconditional, and I am scaring myself constantly throughout the day with thoughts that my wife is going to leave me. All she has done is be honest and say that she is scared for the future, but I have taken it to its most horrible degree and am obsessing about it. All another symptom of the anxiety, I'm sure.

So on nights like tonight, when my wife is away from the house, I fear leaving work and going home to be on my own. I don't fear what will happen, I guess I fear the feelings of loneliness and abandonment. Its silly because I haven't been abandoned.

In therapy I have identified that I have a low sense of personal safety, i.e. I don't provide emotional support for myself because I don't know how to, and I have an underlying sense of insecurity. My parents split when I was 13, my mother then went through breakdowns and depression, and tried to kill herself when I was 15. I found her and called the ambulance. My therapist thinks I am reliving the emotions that I didn't go through fully then - the sense of abandonment, the sense of being completely alone in the world, the fear of losing everything. It certainly makes sense, I DO feel like a frightened kid with no-one to turn to.

The question is, what to do about it. How do I get a sense of security from myself? How do I find within myself the strength to be my OWN support, to feel comfortable on my own? These are the things that I want more than anything else. Every other relationship you have is insecure, because you never know what the other person is thinking, but your own relationship with your SELF should not be insecure - if it is, what have you got???

Sorry - don't really expect anyone to have any answers to this - just helps to write it down I suppose.

Gareth

*** I think, therefore I'm anxious ***

[kid a]

Hello Gareth.

I am going through the same kind of thing at the moment and I can empathise with what you are saying. I've been like this since April and it does tend to feed on itself.

I spent years assosiating with people who I didn't really get on with and who made me feel uncomfortable when I was with them, simply because I didn't want to be on my own.

Things got better when I became happier with myself, happier in my own skin. The reaction from other people was immediately much better and more relaxed, and I remember feeling very secure. It's difficult for me to say how exactly I achieved that at the moment because I am going throught the same emotions again.

*The question is, what to do about it. How do I get a sense of security from myself? How do I find within myself the strength to be my OWN support, to feel comfortable on my own? These are the things that I want more than anything else. Every other relationship you have is insecure, because you never know what the other person is thinking, but your own relationship with your SELF should not be insecure - if it is, what have you got??? *

I think that's where my depression began, the fact that my relationship with myself became insecure. People have said to me "you can only really 100 per cent rely on yourself" and I realised that I had started to put myself in the hands of others, reliant on their approval. It is a vicious circle; insecurity is picked up by other people who may treat you differently, which you pick up on, which adds to the insecurity.

[sandy]

hi gareth, i know how you feel, ive spent most of my life on my own, but last year when my mum died, i developed a fear of being alone for some raeson, every time my partner went out even if it was only to the local shops, i would get so scared, ive even brought on a panic attack. i still get in a state at times but it is getting better, so i know you will, and there are lots of people out there going through the same as us.be strong,.

[Meg]

Gareth
When I was acute I would not be on my own.
I knew the daily routine of 8 neighbours and always 'happened ' to find out if that changed.

Initially I used to pop by quite bit - flitting from house to house over the course of the week so noone got fed up of me . In fact they got dependent on me for outings, shopping trips, etc then one day I got home and just got on with stuff and stopped visiting so much over the next few weeks.

Then just stoped wondering where they were, safe in the knowledge I could always sit in Tescos eatery but for weeks I hadn't needed anyone at all. That is now several years ago .

Its was about figuring out what the specific fear is and countering it with a self sufficient measure whilst still having Plan B or C if necessary.


Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

[bluebottle]

Hi Gareth,

I've been where you are now and understand completely how your feeling. I am a lover of my own company but when my marriage ended I thought my world had ended and I was terrified of the solitude. The fear your feeling is of the unknown and its happening because you feel insecure about your relationship.

--
Blue -
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."

[carlin]

Hi there,
I can really understand how you are feeling, some while back, i hated being on my own, and if i went out and came home to an empty house i would bring on a panic attack, You are feeling bad about your partner, i am sure she won't leave you, people say things on the spur of the moment, they don't mean to hurt us, but i think we dwell on it, i know i do! if i believed my hubby, he would be long gone, but he's still here. I believe people who don't 'suffer' find it hard to understand. take things slowly, you will get through.I now push everyone out of the front door so i can have 'me' time.xxx

[Sue K with 5]

Hi Gareth


I have had a fear of death since I was 7, I discovered it started after I had lost my grandfather, but it was the actual loss of him and the fact that my parents were very dysfunctional that triggered the fear more.

when I think about my fear, its not about being dead its about being alone, being put somewhere where I dont have someone to hug me or talk to me, go i am scaring myself just writing this in fact.

I understand the problems you are having in relation to your partner because unfortunately this does leave a relationship detached at times due to the inability to understand how we feel and how they feel.

I am sure she will be there for you and with the help from your therapist this fear should subside in time

Good luck


Sue with 5

scknight

[Gareth]

Thanks so much for your replies, everyone.

I can see how this is another symptom of the anxiety, and how it also is related to my past. I guess like all the other symptoms, its like a wave, you just have to sit on the crest of it and ride it out.

This weekend I have been away to Spain with friends, and my wife went to Paris with a friend. I managed to enjoy myself even though at time my anxiety was through the roof, I just let it ride. Oddly it was last night, upon returning home to my wife, that I felt the worst, and didn't get any sleep. Probably due to the amount of alchohol I consumed this weekend though, to be fair...

I think that my condition has left my relationship a little more detached than it was. I guess as I come back to "real life" more, I should also come back to my wife more, and her to me. And I can see how my fear has developed from the insecurity I feel in my relationship at the moment.

I want to find ways of being able to comfort myself, because I know that I am the only person in the world whom I can rely upon 100% to always be there... I have relied too much on my wife in the past for company, support, reassurance. Its not healthy and its time to move on to a more adult kind of relationship with her I think.

So much to do isn't there?!

thanks again everyone,
Gareth

*** I think, therefore I'm anxious ***

[Meg]

Gareth

Those are very sensible thoughts and ideas , I hope you can bring them to fruition


Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

[sadie]

Hi Gareth,

I understand totally how you feel about being scared being alone.... me too. I actually had a horrible saturday morning in the house myself as my husband was out from 9.30am and I got myself in such a panic thinking what if I take a heart attack in the house myself..... I know this type of thinking does not help anything but I find it difficult sometimes to stop it. I had irregular heart beats all morning and by the time my friend came to my house about 1pm, I burst into tears....

I too have many issues form my past that are playing a part in why I am the way I am today... I feel that, I have had to rely on myself only in my life and I find it difficult to trust and let people in. I believe this control I must have on my life is keeping me in this state of anxiety and believe if I could just let go and relax a bit more and trust that I will be safe and its all ok... I would get better.

I just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel.

sadie

[bluebottle]

Actually Sadie your issues aren't very different to Gareth's. It is a control problem.

I relied too much on my X2B like Gareth, which is an easy situation to get into when your married and in love, and now I am more like you and afraid to let people inside my wall I've built up to protect myself.

We're complicated things, human beings, but very similar in a lot of ways.

--
Blue -
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."

[doddy]

gareth old friend long time no chat.

sorry to hear your recent difficulty, its never easy my friend.

Anyways, you mentioned in your first post about how do you overcome this feeling of security, and i thought about this for a while and I think that this feeling , as im sure you know, is just part of the anxiety cycle you are in, its just swerved off on you a little and gripped the current issue.

my advice my friend would be not to give this one to much time, dont think about fixings this one, this one will fix itself when you begin to lower your overall anxiety, just accpet it as another anxiety thought and dont gove it too much time. easy to say i know.

If i was you id just get a good film out and get the cats in and get a takeaway and sit back and enjoy, dont try and make a big deql of it though, just go with the flow, dont plan like, right i must do tis next tuesday to get over it, if the situation arises when your gonna be alone then just right ok, takeaway and film tonight. I use to go and play online poker, not for money onviously, but i loved it!!!!!!!!! couldnt wait for the wife to go out as it was so engrossing.

anyways, keep in touch old pal.

andy

[pops]

good morning gareth

What could anyone possibly say to you that would help, but if I may don't lose faith, I was told once by a close friend a long time ago, you have to learn to enjoy your own company before you can expect others to do.

There are worse matters out there than being are feeling lonely, and from your letter you have lived them (and to some degree) are still living them.

I have lived on my own since my teens (now 37) I could not imagine anything worse than being surrounded by people, (the opposite to you) the invasion into my space was enough for me to panic, and panic I did. 3 years ago I decided to run my own business and now I have to deal with dozens of people day in day out, it's not been easy (hence me writing to you) but I am still standing...getting stronger everyday.

What ever time we have on our own sweetie enjoy it, you never know when you may never have any time left at all.

small steps sweetie...

kindest regards pops xxx