View Full Version : So apparently I'm rude!
Things have got pretty rough over last few weeks - there have been lots of stressful situations to deal with, and I don't think I've probably coped with it in the best of ways.
Anyway to the point. Basically I've been told by several people I am really uncaring and rude. But, this is not who I am at all! I can only suspect this is how I come across or 'appear' to people. I won't tell you what happened because it's a long story, but this is not something I haven't encountered before.
A few years back, I made some awesome friends, and I thought things couldn't be better. But my depression got bad and I wasn't managing my anxiety too well. So socialising and speaking and doing things with people was getting quite stressful considering my social anxiety and self-confidence issues. But, during that time, I upset 3 people to the point of rage. I don't even know how I upset them - because I didn't act in a demeaning manner at all! and certainly nothing like that was going through my mind! I consider myself a very thoughtful, respectful person who always puts other people's feelings before my own. So when this happened I just thought I am mixing with the wrong crowd and they don't understand or something and broke off from them.
Now, more recently a similar incident has occured again, and it feels like it is reconfirming something that may actually be true. It's really hard for me to put this into writing because I find it hard to explain or understand myself.
Apparently, I don't consider other people's feelings. Apparently, I am lazy, rude, selfish, self-centered, unreliable, and anti-social (in the ignorant sense).
Now you know why I don't have many friends or feel the need to make new friends.
It feels like my anxiety and depression makes me appear in a way that I am not - if that makes sense.
Oh well, maybe they're right and I do actually deserve it!
Stressed32
25-04-09, 00:48
Hi there....that is not true! Nothing you said in this post is true. Hey, we are all rude at times...you are entitled to a bad day...I have them a lot. You deserve friends and happiness no matter what others say. Whoever is saying you are rude is NOT your friend and they have no clue how badly you may be struggling. I am so sorry that you are feeling bad, but please try to see yourself in a more positive light. My mom always told me that no one else could love me if I did not love myself 1st.
pinkpiglet
25-04-09, 00:55
Hi there!
I dont know much, but it sounds to me that its your so called friends that are ignorant!! Not in a selfish sense necessarily, but maybe they are unfamiliar with people like us. People who suffer with anxiety!!! I can see how anxiety sufferers can come across to others as having attitude problems. We can be self absorbed, distant, distracted, un-interested, snappy, irrational and often lack energy and motivation. Your friends percieve this differently and see you has been rude, lazy, self centred, etc... etc...
I dont know what to suggest really. I am fortunate to have good friends who i have known for years, they have seen me through the good and the bad and maybe it helps that i am female and so are most of my friends!! (women do tend to be more sympathetic and nurturing, dont you agree?)
Maybe you could request to see a therapist who can help you with your problem. Maybe they can support you or point you in the direction of someone who understands, like a group or support network. have you been in the chat room on this site by any chance? I'v found that it can be a friendly place, where people understand you!!
Dont take to heart what others have said about you! they have judged you wrongly!!!
Keep smiling......:) :) :) :)
The type of people who tend to put me down so harshly like that tend to have a few things in common with me. I was accused of being bossy & intolerant by the person who couldn't accept I wouldn't believe her religion & was always telling me I should think what she thought & do things the way she did them.
The person who accused me of pushing my feelings onto her, never stopped talking about her feelings & expecting everyone to help her. Then she'd get angry at what everyone had to say & accuse them of not understanding. Understanding goes both ways & is impossible without good communication.
The people who accuse me of being too weird are the most boring people I've ever met.
Don't get me wrong, I liked all of these people heaps. You get sick of being put down & have to walk away, even though it means I'm stuck with no one again. If I kept hanging out with people that didn't treat me right, I wouldn't be available if someone who doesn't hate all the things that make me me. If that makes sense.
What I mean to say is to look at the type of people who are saying these things to you. Are they everything they are accusing you of? If so that gives you the permission to let it go!
When people have never experienced anxiety or depression, they tend to act on what they see without thinking about the reasons. Often this is because they are feeling stressed themselves so will take their feelings out on others because they have no time or patience to think first before acting.
For instance...(these may or may not apply to you Tom as they're just examples of what we feel compared to what others see and think.)
I am lazy,
Depression can make us lethargic. We're not deliberately lazy. We can't help feeling ill! Others though will often view us as being lazy because they don't stop to think of the real reasons because they've never experienced how we're feeling.
rude,
Anxiety can make us quiet so we tend to go into our shell which to others may appear that we're being rude by ignoring them.
selfish, self-centred
We tend to think alot and dwell on our own feelings because we feel so ill but others can't see how ill we feel.
unreliable,
When we're feeling anxious and depressed it can slow us down which can then make us late for meetings etc. but others will only think of the time they've been kept waiting rather than the reasons why we're late!
anti-social (in the ignorant sense).
Not anti-social, just shy! We don't like crowds either because they induce panic but others can't see that. They just wonder why we're being unsociable.
When people can't "see" the reasons, they will think firstly of themselves and not of the sufferer so Don't allow their opinions of you based on their own stress and ignorance to make you feel bad about yourself because they could just as easily take the time to try to understand "you"!:winks:
eeyorelover
25-04-09, 05:43
I've been told that I'm abrupt, rude, and even been called a bully!
It really did bother me! I sat back and really took stock of myself and here is what I figured out...
I completely retreated from society and was housebound for a while. Didn't talk to anyone but my kids and my immediate family and truthfully I lost some of my social skills along the way.
I know I can be abrupt but that isn't because I'm mean or anything like that it's because I just never know how long I'm going to be able to stay in a situation without having to retreat again so for me everything seems like it's on this timer that could go off at any moment!
I'm definitely not rude but I do shy away from friendship because I feel like being my friend with my issues with anxiety takes loads more work than a regular friendship and I have always felt like I didn't want to burden anyone with my problems!
The issue is that people just don't understand that because there aren't physical signs that show a person with anxiety is in distress doesn't make the feelings inside any less scary!
People just don't get it!
Like others have said I'm not sure that anyone who hasn't been in this situation can relate but I do think that being upfront and telling your friends what you are going thru would help them to understand at least in part and perhaps make them less quick to judge!
xxx
Sandy
Thanks for support.
I'm not sure what to think still. Part of me thinks, yeah sure it probably is my anxiety and depression then the other says, well maybe I am actually like this.
I just don't know how to deal with this anymore. It's like being kicked while your down.
Nicola_lou
26-04-09, 01:36
Tom forget them so what if you got a bit ratty we all do, and what's wrong with putting your own feelings first. Ok we don't like feedback like this but hey we can't win them all. I'm ratty in work but my friend know me now and say oh nic is off again I get so worked up I think god help whoever says the wrong thing to me next boss or not.
I'm like this for not putting myself first so if people don't like it if we not what they expected do you really care? I don't, if they talk about you least you made an impression good or bad.
Just leave it go over your head be comfortabke with yourself you sound great to me.
Hi Tom,
I think I am the same as yourself.I have drove away some very good friends due to my "rude" and "aggresive" behaviour.I can not help it though.I jump to conclusions and paranoid when there is lack of contact etc.I don't feel close to anyone.The friends I do have do not understand, and yes I am sure they have down days like me but unlike me the recover quickly.
So to put this situation to an end Ive decided to speak to a councellor.There has to be an underlaying problem that hopefully they can sort out. Aswell as this Ive decieded to be more open with my friends and try to explain what is going on in my head.If they don't understand then it's fine, if they run scared then I will feel down for a while but know its the best for the long run.
Sorry I cant be of much help but feel free to chat to me any time.
x
carrie
I dont know how much help this will be....But i also find that I also come accross as rude and arrogant at time....I think this is down to the anxiety and depression rather than actually being rude (I was not like this before)
I am usually quite confident, well until I became like this....and gradually over the last 6 months, all the confidence goes and I became quiet and more withdrawn...sitting on the edge just listening and observing
Well now I have no friends as I dont think they like me, or the person I have become....there is only so long you can put on a front!!
Anyway I hope this makes sense and i can sympathise with you
I think I'm in a bit of a mess at the moment with my anxiety and depression again, which is why I think I've come across rude (like so many of you have pointed out as being a result of anxiety and depression).
So, my recent attitude and current lifestyle only confirms this further.
Most days I'm finding it stupidly difficult to want to do anything - I just don't see the point. My appearence is also slipping, I haven't shaved for several days. I'm also eating very little - I just don't feel any hunger or need for food - it seems too much of an effort. My sleeping schedule is all over the place and won't stay to one routine. If that wasn't enough, I also have a "can't be bothered" attitude to uni and I really haven't bothered to make any effort to stay on top of the work at all.
All this is a vicious circle which I can see, but I just have no motivation to do anything about it. I just don't know what to do. I can only just about manage to find the strength to type this up, which I suppose is a little bit of a cry for help.
It seems Venlafaxine has just stopped working and I feel a little bit like not wanting to get my dose increased either - because I don't see the point.
:mad: :wall:
Tom are you suffering from exam stress at the moment?
No, my exams finished a while ago.
I'm so depressed, I can't stop sleeping. I keep getting really weird vivid dreams too which all involve some kind of violence/terrible event. :(
I'm so depressed, I can't stop sleeping. I keep getting really weird vivid dreams too which all involve some kind of violence/terrible event. :(
Tom,
Not sure if you know whats going on with me, but feel i'm in a much better frame of mind, and wanted to reply to you. I hope I can reassure you in some way.
Please reply to tell me your thoughts, because I'll only worry that I may have done something wrong. x
Yes,.. the weird vivid dreams I have too, also involves violence and terrible events. I can so relate to this, I've had these for years and years.
Today, things were happening to me whilst I was awake though and still are in some sort of way, but that maybe the fear taking over. Terrible, horror images were murdering me:weep: .
Maybe unrelated to panic/anxiety, not quite sure yet. Have emergency MHT getting in touch.
The dreams and sleep you're experiencing though, ...is very strange, and as to why ?? I still don't know the real answer, but I'm quite sure this is a side effect from the anti-d's. I haven't looked into it properly, because I've always had other issues that overtake, but it would be interesting to know exactly why this happens to us, so that we can understand better to help ourselves that everything really is ok.
I too think that this is caused by oversleep, as you say.. you're sleeping so much.
When I have these feelings, (I'm not always an insomniac). I can go into reverse and am the complete opposite. When this happens I suffer with Sleep Paralysis at the same time. This too is very scary, especially for the first few times, we wonder what the hell is happening. But,.. it really is ok and is fairly common, especially to those that are suffering with some sort of depression/or feeling low in themselves.
You will be ok though Tom, your thoughts and experiences are related to the fear and anxiety, I'm so sure of that.
I hope this is reassuring you, rather than frightening you, because I've written here to try and help and I wish you better soon. x
since comin off ine bn rude n dont mean it grrrrrrrrrrrrrrhelp
since comin off ine bn rude n dont mean it grrrrrrrrrrrrrrhelp
I don't understand this ? You're confusing me.
tom am surry u feel that wat but its ur anxirty its makin u think ur bn rude but its not ur true friends will no that u dont mean it chin up am told am rude every day but its the withdrawls buddie good luck a dont think ur rude people jist dont understant htake care
I thought I had said something wrong to upset you Madelaine and was panicking.
I'm sorry if I caused you any stress and am sorry I couldn't come into help whilst in chat just now. I'm quite sick myself and probably shouldn't even be here on site. I don't know, but will talk to Admin.
The last thing I want is to cause distress to others.xxx
I need to leave the site. I'm so sorry.
Sorry Tom, that this has happened on your thread. But I can't say or do anything right, everythings wrong and always has been. Don't know whats happening to me.
Sorry, so sorry.
Will go away now.
bottleblond
03-05-09, 15:55
Katie
You haven't done anything wrong Huni.
It's OK
:hugs:
xxx
Hi thanks for the replies - I wasn't really expecting much because I've been thinking quite negative.
Katie I really appreciate your contribution, I don't think you've done anything wrong at all! Please don't go! In fact I think you're one of the few people who understands me!
I spoke to my parents and they think Effexor is making me worse. I feel it might be too. I just don't seem to 'care' about anything or myself. But, I WANT that to change. I need to do something about it!
I also feel like I have some kind of chronic fatigue - I just have no energy. Maybe that's part of the depression or the med? I really don't know.
Anyway, I'm gonna talk to my doc about coming off Effexor and eventually coming off meds for a while. I want to try some more natural alternatives. I hear switching to prozac from Effexor lessens the withdrawals - so I think I'll do that. Heck, Prozac might even be more effective!
Also, I would like to add that I've been waking up a few times in the middle of the night with a full blown panic attack. My heart is beating rapidly, I'm sweating, out of breath, and I feel sick. It takes several hours for me to calm down properly. I don't know why this has been happening.
Hi Tom,
I go through the same issues and have been for a very long time. I'm very depressed and often think that there is something wrong with me, since that's what everyone else thinks.
What I realized is that you can't beat yourself up because others don't realized what you're going through. What worked for me is finding people who can empathize, rather than only sympathize with my situation. People really can't judge you based on opinions; they have to have walked in your shoes to understand.
Feel better soon,
Yarnee
Hi Tom, from my experience I believe that certain friends (I use the term loosely) only want to be friends with one part of our personality, the fun part.
I know that when I was 'fun Maria' and on call to everyone I thought I had lots of friends, however when I became ill and could no longer be 'fun Maria' many of them looked for reasons to avoid me. I now have only one or two real friends, many acquaintances (who I used to class as friends) and more people who I avoid meeting up with altogether as it normally end in tears (usually mine) and a feeling of total guilt and bewilderment.
Tom, it sounds like these people were not your real friends, but people you had fun with and when it became hard for you to have fun they backed off.
Your real friends have stayed around. Real friends who care, take time to try to understand and not jump to conclusions are in my opinion a god send.
I hope this rambling has helped or at least made sense
Maz x
Oh Tom apologises, I didn't realise that there were more pages and I have lost the plot. I hope i havent upset you. I should have checked how many pages there were. I am not used to using the board. Please forgive me if I have caused you any upset by posting something you had been worried about earlier and that I have not brought anything back up.
Sorry I should read properly before jumping in there
so sorry
Maria
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