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I'm panicking about tomorrow after seeing my therapist this afternoon. It is a long story but she thinks I need urgent help with my anorexia and is coming with me to see a psychiatrist tomorrow morning.
She said she wants me to have medical intervention and hospital might be the only thing that helps. I am petrified. I can't cope with being cut off from K, or with being in a psychiatric hospital.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I am sorry you feel so bad, anyone would under the circumstances, i have no sound advice (as usual) but see how things go tomorrow, you will not necessarily be taken into hospital, there maybe other options, medical intervention does not mean being carted off to a psychiatric hospital. Take things slowly and keep in touch, sorry no good advice, but thoughts are with you xxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Karen
Its by no means certain that you would have to go into hosp is it???
Wouldn't it be a discussion between you all as what would be best for you and how you want to deal with it.
I'm sure Meg will be able to advise you hun but in the meantime just try and see it in the same light as any other medical thing - scary I know but if it gets you better!!!!!
We'll all still be here and and I'm sure K and you will be able to be in touch as much as you normally are. If you do decide its best for you to have a short hospital stay we could all write to you while you are there then you wont feel abandoned (we could send stuff via Nic or someone).
Try not to be scared and remember its what you want and feel that is best for you that is ultimately the goal of your therapist and the psychiatrist, they want to help not frighten you!
Big hugs
Love Piglet:)
hi Karen,
I can't better what these lovely people have already said! but I know it sounds scary but like they say, they are truly trying to help you and you know you need help..
They may not take you to hospital its a possibility.. either way you will not be cut off from the outside world.. we will all still be here!! and so will K.. she's always at the end of the phone and theres no reason why this would be anydifferent in hospital..
i'm glad they are worried about you - this is a good thing right!? i'd be more concerned if they weren't.
we're here for you hun.
lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Thanks for the replies. I'm just panicking because my therapist has been trying to persuade me that a stay in hospital might be the best thing for me for a couple of months now. She did say it isn't certain that this will be the outcome of tomorrow, but going into a psychiatric hospital is one of my worst fears.
Carlin: Just the fact that you were kind enough to reply helps. Your support is appreciated.
Piglet: Thanks for your message. It is meant to be a discussion but when I saw the first psychiatrist she tried to push hospital and medication as the lines of treatment, both of which I am against. I only agreed to see her so I could be referred on to a psychologist for something like CBT but she wouldn't do this.
Now K isn't very happy with the psychiatric services for leaving me with no help or support for the past couple of months, during which time it seems everyone thinks I've deteriorated. This is partly my own fault though because I've been so scared I've tried to avoid seeing anyone from the CMHT.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I'm sure Meg will be able to advise you hun but in the meantime just try and see it in the same light as any other medical thing - scary I know but if it gets you better!!!!!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
The really silly thing is that if it were any other medical thing it wouldn't bother me. I'm just petrified of psychiatrists and psychiatric hospitals/wards.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">If you do decide its best for you to have a short hospital stay we could all write to you while you are there then you wont feel abandoned (we could send stuff via Nic or someone).</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
That's really kind, thank you.
Lisa: Thanks for your support.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">we will all still be here!! and so will K.. she's always at the end of the phone and theres no reason why this would be anydifferent in hospital..</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Unfortunately I only have contact with K through a forum so if I go into hospital I will be cut off from her. This just makes it so much worse because I find it so incredibly difficult to get through even one day without contact with her as it is, then add to that the panic of being in hospital in the first place...
I just hope there is another option because I don't know how I'll cope otherwise.
There is also the sale of my house I am trying to organise and I can't do that if I'm stuck in hospital.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I am really feeling for you right now as I know this prospect has been worrying you for ages, although we don't know what's going to be said yet.
But I think its time to be practical and work out a way to go forward that will do you some good, taking into account your psychological needs.
I obviously don't know what would be the most effective solution for you would be, but it may be worth enquiring, if the hospital thing comes up, what lines of communication with the outside world will be on offer. They may not be able to give you a straight answer, but its worth asking.
But whatever happens, I will continue to support you via this forum. And that will be stronger each time you take a brave step.
I still believe you can turn the corner, but I know that will never be easy.
We're all rooting for you here, you know that.
Be Strong,
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
pinkscrumpy
19-08-05, 00:37
Still thinking of you Karen
Lots of love
MANDIE XX
Will I ever escape this?
Will I ever be free?
Wake me up from this nightmare.
Please just give me the key!
Hi Ray
The prospect of having to go into hospital is one of my worst fears, particularly when combined with the prospect of not being able to have contact with K too.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I obviously don't know what would be the most effective solution for you would be, but it may be worth enquiring, if the hospital thing comes up, what lines of communication with the outside world will be on offer. They may not be able to give you a straight answer, but its worth asking.
<div align="right">Originally posted by clickaway - 19 August 2005 : 00:25:58</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
That's one reason I feel relieved my therapist is going to be there because she said she would make sure arrangements are put in place for internet access. I just don't see how this is possible in an NHS psychiatric hospital or ward. But her agreeing to accompany me was the only way of getting me to the appointment because I couldn't face going alone.
Thanks for your continued support Ray and Mandie.
Just wish I could sleep and forget about this for a while. I've only had an hours sleep in the last two nights now but I'm too anxious to sleep.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen!
I don't know you, but I just sent up a prayer for you. Praying that you won't have to be hospitalized if you don't need to be, but that, if you do, that you'll get the best, most caring help you can get! Praying that God will send you someone who seems like a familiar old friend to encourage you and help you through this.
Also praying for a good night's sleep!!
(((((((((hugs)))))))))
Andrea
Thank you Andrea. It's almost morning here now but still have almost 5 hours until my appointment.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hey Karen,
Just sending my thoughts to you today and like i've said before I really never feel it is enough but need you to know I am thinking of you and supporting you in my thoughts.
Take care karen and i would like to reiterate what i keep saying to you, thank you for your continued to suppport of others and such wise and sound replies and for listening to others. You are such a mega support and i for one listen carefully to any advice you offer.
All the best Karen
Sax xxx[8D]
Thanks Nigel and Sax.
Sax: Of course it is enough that you are supporting me and wishing me well. It is at times like these we need to know people are there for us and that we are not alone.
I am glad you have found something useful in the replies and advice I give to others. It's a shame I can't be so rational about my own problems or follow my own advice, as K pointed out in her good luck message this morning.
Thanks again to everyone who has posted support here. I hope I will be home after my appointment and will let you all know how I got on.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Good luck today Karen. Will be thinking of you :D
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
Hey Karen,
Just to let you know that i am thinking of you - good luck today and let us know how it goes.
lots of love,
henri x
Hi Karen
Not sure if you will have left for your appointment today yet or not but if not what about printing off this thread and showing it to them.
If they can see where you are coming from they might be able to allay some of the fears you have quite straightforwardly.
Love Piglet:)
Good luck Karen, hope it goes well.
mico
bluesparkle
19-08-05, 13:18
hi karen...
im still here keeping an eye on your post... i really wish i had some good advice but i do often think about you and all that you have going on at the moment... and will be thinking of you today... good luck!!!
let us know how it goes
rach
x
Hi Karen
Thinking of you-good luck.
jenny
xxx
Karen,
Thinking of you today Hun, Hope all goes well.
Take Care and hope to hear from you soon.
Tatty B xx
Hi everyone
Thank you all so very much for all the messages of support. I'm really overwhelmed by all the support and good wishes.
I've got a reprieve... for now anyway. The appointment went ok, in at least I have avoided being admitted. There were a couple of sticky moments though when he was mentioning the possibility of my blood chemistry being up the creek and how this could lead to a heart attack if I go whole days without eating.
I found it very difficult to talk and my therapist answered a lot of his questions on my behalf. I was struggling with high levels of anxiety and panic just from being there, let alone worrying what was going to happen. This was worse when my therapist was painting a particular bleak picture of the state of my health and how serious my situation is.
Anyway, for now, the plan is that he is doing an urgent referral today to the day hospital where I will have to go for assessment. He was talking about a specialist eating disorders day hospital but the nearest one is London so it's not very practical.
I don't know how often I will have to attend but I hope it is not every day like my therapist wants. I don't think she is convinced that a day hospital is going to be enough and was talking about in patient treatment, but I really don't want that.
The psychiatrist is also contacting the crisis team to check up on me over the weekend but I don't think I need that really and even he admitted that they might not take the referral because this is a longstanding problem rather than a recent crisis, so hopefully they will leave me alone.
Also had an appointment with my doctor this afternoon and she at least agrees that in patient treatment isn't likely to be helpful or the best form of treatment. However, she wants me to gain some weight and that just feels beyond me at present.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Thanks Karen so much for letting us know how you got on.
Whatever is the next step for you we will be around to listen and support.
Love Piglet:)
Well done - I know today was a scary day but you handled it.:)
Thanks Piglet.
I'm still scared about going to the day hospital but I know I have to at least give it a try, espcially when K and my therapist have gone to a lot of trouble to try and get me some help.
I even got to speak to K briefly after the appointment which cheered me up no end.
I am ok this afternoon, just feeling very worn out and tired due to having had virtually no sleep for the past two days. I'm going to try to have a nap soon.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I'm glad you had a useful session today and your most immediate fears were averted.
Also so pleased that K has been in contact with you today. She is there for your all the time, but cannot always be in touch.
I hope that you can so get that urgent referral fixed, so that you can improve your eating.
Take Care,
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
Hi Karen!
Thinking of you and hoping all is going well!
(((((((hugs))))))))))
Andrea
"Honey, if ya ain't feelin' the bumps in the road, ya ain't goin' nowhere!" (A wise Georgia Granny's take on living life to the fullest! LOL!)
Seems like a happy medium has been reached. Hope this helps you!! :D
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
Thanks Nigel, Andrea and Sarah.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Also so pleased that K has been in contact with you today. She is there for your all the time, but cannot always be in touch.
<div align="right">Originally posted by clickaway - 19 August 2005 : 17:18:13</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes I know she is. She's been so fantastic throughout this. It is the obsessive attachment problem that makes me have such fear of losing her.
Deep down I know if she has stood by me through all the very bad times in the last year and is still here and as committed, then she isn't going anywhere. I trust her completely.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
You did real good mate, now have a good rest (easier said than done)and keep in touch xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thanks Carlin. I thought I might be able to catch up on so sleep as I am exhausted but I am not able to sleep.
My doctor gave me another prescription for some more sleeping pills so I will take one tonight and hopefully sleep better.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
well done for today it must have been very hard for you to go, I'm so glad you had the support of your therapist , that must have made things easier for you, and the fact that you got to have a chat with K.
I do hope they come up with something that will not put you under any more pressure and your comfortable with, you seem to have a good back up now and hopefull they will listen to your needs,
hope you managed to get a bit of sleep today, and as i said before well done im sure that was a really big step for you
take care
kairen x
Hi Karen
I just want to say WELL DONE it must have been soooo hard for you today.
My heart and my thoughts are always with you.
TAKE CARE
LOVE JILLXXX
Thanks Kairen. I don't think I would have gone to the appointment had I not had the support of my therapist. I was too scared.
Of course, talking to K was the highlight of my day yesterday, only now I wish I could speak to her again.
Thanks for your message Jill.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
In spite of everything that happened yesterday, and I suppose because my mood was given a bit of a lift having been able to talk to K, I managed to eat reasonably well.
I even had a little bit of ice cream, which definitely is not one of my safe foods. I was thinking of K while I was eating it and using thought of how pleased she would be to know I was eating to help me block out the anorexic thoughts.
Unfortunately today is not starting so well and I've already had a run in with Dad.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Well done for eating another non safe food Karen
Even a spoon or two is a major step in the right direction.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Hi Karen
I think that's fab that you ate one of your non safe foods - that's as hard for you as me going to the local shop on my own and queuing!!!!
We are all here to help each other with whatever is a problem for us - how cool is that!!!:)
Everytime you manage even a small mouthful of non safe foods I'm going be majorly impressed - when I go out little bits on my own I hope you will be majorly impressed back??????:D[Yeah!]
Love Piglet:)
Hi karen,
Just checking up on how you went at your appoint and after, so now have caught up on the thread.
Just sending my thoughts and support to you karen and hoping today gets better seeing as it didn't start too well.
Take care Karen
Sax xx[8D]
Thanks Meg, Piglet and Sax for the wonderful messages of support.
I think I was still on a bit of a high last night following my phone conversation with K and this is what helped with my eating, particularly with the ice cream.
Thanks Meg. I suppose you are right that even a couple of spoons of something new is a step in the right direction. It had the desired result of K being pleased with the way I coped yesterday.
Piglet - You are right that we all have our different reasons to be here and our different fears and anxieties. It is great that we are able to support and encourage each other, no matter what our different issues are.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Everytime you manage even a small mouthful of non safe foods I'm going be majorly impressed - when I go out little bits on my own I hope you will be majorly impressed back??????:D[Yeah!]
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 20 August 2005 : 12:34:20</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Of course I will! :D
Sax - Thanks for your support. I haven't really done anything today except sleep and I really needed it. Thankfully my doctor gave me another prescription for some sleep medication yesterday and I've had about 5 hours sleep today after having virtually none for the previous two days.
I missed a phone call while I was sleeping. It might have been Dad - as the number was withheld - although he usually leaves a message.
I think it might have been the crisis team that the psychiatrist was talking about yesterday. I'm not really sorry I missed the call as I don't think I need the crisis team's involvement. Having to talk to them would no doubt just make me feel worse as I would panic at having to take the phone call, let alone if they sent someone round here.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Feeling scared tonight. I've had a bad day regarding food, got panicky about thoughts of eating too much and had to empty everything apart from fruit out of the house.
I'm just so scared of losing control. Eating makes me feel like I've failed and it makes me hate myself.
Not sure but I think someone is getting in touch from the day hospital tomorrow and I can't handle it. I just want to be left alone.
I've also upset my friend Jac because I told her about my appointment with the psychiatrist on Friday, so now she said she can't believe me when I tell her I'm ok. The trouble is, I don't think I am worse. It was my therapist who thought my condition was deteriorating.
I want to starve myself tonight. I know I have been eating too much and I can't handle it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen,
so sorry you feel so bad today after how good you were feeling, i know there is nothing i can say to really help you, wish there were, all i can say is just keep thinking about your chat with K and how good you felt i know you wont be able to stop the bad thoughts but try and put a few positive ones in too,
do hope you feel a bit better tmrw pet
take care
kairen x
Hi Kairen
Thanks for your reply.
I'm afraid I really let things slip yesterday and I found it so very difficult to ignore the anorexic thoughts. I am so terrified of eating that I cannot now even keep much food in the house so that I am prevented from actually eating too much.
I am also still very scared about the prospect of the day hospital, particularly as I might hear something about this today as the psychiatrist said he was making the referral urgent.
All I want to do is be at home where it is safe. But then I think if I don't go I will be letting K down and I don't want to do that.
It is just so very very difficult.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Now I am panicking. Everything is getting out of control again. I have just had a phone call from someone from the Crisis Home Resolution Team wanting to see me after a referral from the psychiatrist I saw on Friday. She said he had referred me and said I need more help than the CMHT can provide and they have been trying to get hold of me all weekend - I was in bed and had the phone switched off because of Dad.
So she has made an appointment for two people to visit me tomorrow. I just want to hide and don't want to see anyone. I'm so very scared. Now I can't even control this panic attack. I should've ignored the phone.
I don't know what to do.:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
wish i could give you big hug and make it alright, i know how scared yiou must feel, i am glad you took the call cos no matter how bad you feel today you know that they are trying to help no matter how petrifying it feels for you,
i know every inch of you will be fightin against the help, but you know you have to do it, if not for yourself for K, these people will do ther best to make you feel safe and not upset you, they will try and do everything to help you get better and put your mind at ease, the last thing they would want is for you to be so upset by there visit, just see how it goes you have nothing to lose and everything to gain
hope this makes sense i know what i want to say but writing it down can be hard,
do hope you have calmed down a bit, i know the situation with your dad cant be helping matters, its one thing you could do without at the moment,
take care karen,
kairen x
Hi Kairen.
Your message makes perfect sense thank you.
I'm still panicking because the Crisis Team only get involved when things are really bad and I didn't expect to have to see them. Now I just want to pretend everything is ok so they will leave me alone.
Although I know this won't help me get better, I'm just too scared to trust them or tell them anything. I feel like they are going to take control away from me and I won't have any say in anything.
I don't want to face this week. I am panicking about this tomorrow and then have to see the original psychiatrist again on Thursday. I just want to get away from here to where it's safe. In fact I want to be with K because then I'll know I'm safe. She would protect me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">just see how it goes you have nothing to lose and everything to gain
take care karen,
kairen x
<div align="right">Originally posted by kairen - 22 August 2005 : 12:21:06</div id="right">
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Thinking of you today - hold onto that quote off Kairens reply and let us know how you get on.
Love Piglet:)
Can't do it. I'm too scared. I need to run and hide from them. Need to pretend everything is OK so they'll leave me alone.
Need to run to K.
Keep losing Internet connection because of heavy rain too so am panicking even more.
Can't handle any of this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
I hope things have not got worse as the day has gone on, the way you will have to look at is no matter how scared and afraid you are now this is also what K wants for you, and im sure she would say the same,
you have to take a chance on these people, things are so different from the way they were years ago, they wont just take you away and not let you out, they want to help you get better and they will try and do it, with as little upset and anxiety to you as they can, please take a chance and trust these people,
take care karen,
kairen x
I'm thinking of you too Karen. I check your progress every day.
Its good that you have others here that can relate to your anorexia and its resultant problems.
You know that K will want you to succeed - if you cannot do it for yourself, do it for her.
And Piglet was right - keep a hold of kairen's quote - write it down and recite it, perhaps keep it in your purse or by your bed.
We're with you all the way,
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
I appreciate what you're saying Kairen but I'm just too scared. I can't stop panicking and don't know how to get through till tomorrow.
All I want is to run to K and hide.
Just can't take this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Ray
I know I'm letting K down now. I know she wants me to have help but I am too petrified to have anything to do with them.
Have to avoid them or cover things up and pretend everything is OK and I don't need them.
Just want to run away.
Even K will be disappointed and fed up with me now. I hate myself for this. I don't want to let her down. I need her and want to be with her so much.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen K, wont be fed up with you she will just be worried, like we all are about you, we know you would love to be better and get on with your life, but we know its hard for you, as the anorexia has such a grip on you, i totaly understand the fear and why you just want to hide away, i know what ever you tell yourself you will always have the negative voice too, but please se them no matter how hard it is for you, think how good it would be to tell K that you did it, wish there was more i could say to you, just for K sake and all your friends here see them and see what they have to say please,
kairen x
Hi Karen,
Sorry that I haven't posted in a while, but I have been following your story. First, I'm so sorry that it has come to this. However, I think everyone agrees, along with K and your therapist, that this may be necessary for you to get better.
Karen, I know that this is very scary for you. This is the heart of anxiety..extreme fear! Everyone on this site has something that makes them feel exactly how you feel about the hospital. We, more than anyone else on this planet, completely understand what you are going through!!! But I know the advice that you would give to anyone else would be to face the fear--anticipatory anxiety is the worst! And it is never as bad as you think it will be. Time and time again we have proven this to be true. Please remember this Karen, everyone on this site has faced a similar situation, and has come out the other side!
You will be in all of our hearts and thoughts tomorrow.
Please don't try to run away...this will just agravate the situation, and as long as you are a willing participant in the process, the more flexible they will be to your needs.
Will be thinking of you tomorrow Karen, hope it all goes well.
xxxLisa
~Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage~ Anais Nin
bluebottle
23-08-05, 06:24
Can someone who has been in hospital give Karen some words of support because "hospital" sounds so scary but actually its just a place where people who care help you to get better.
--
Blue -
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."
Hi Kairen
Thanks for replying. I know K is concerned about me and she is encouraging me to get help because of this. I just wish I could do this for her. Sometimes I think maybe I can, but then my fears get the better of me again.
Of course I would love to be able to tell K that I have done something to help myself and to show that I am willing to do whatever it takes to get better. I know she would be so proud of me for doing it, which is why I feel as if I am letting her down all the time.
I'm trying to face up to this but it is really so very difficult. I am so so scared.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Lisa
Good to hear from you again. How are you doing?
It probably doesn't sound like it, but I do want to get better. Maybe I've just not reached the point where I am prepared to do anything if this involves psychiatrists, cpns, social workers, hospital etc. It is when these things are involved that I feel my control slipping even further, and then the anorexia is worse.
Although I agree with what you say about anticipatory anxiety, I know even when I face things like this, the reality is no less frightening that the imagined thoughts beforehand. I've been to see the CMHT, and two psychiatrists and it doesn't get any easier or any less scary.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Please don't try to run away...this will just agravate the situation, and as long as you are a willing participant in the process, the more flexible they will be to your needs.
<div align="right">Originally posted by LisaD - 23 August 2005 : 02:26:56</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Well I didn't mean run literally... I meant possibly hide away and not answer the door, or be out when they are due to call, or even if I see them pretend I am coping and everything is alright. Perhaps then they won't call again and I will be free from them and free from the possibility of hospital.
I just need a way to get out of this mess.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Can someone who has been in hospital give Karen some words of support because "hospital" sounds so scary but actually its just a place where people who care help you to get better.
<div align="right">Originally posted by bluebottle - 23 August 2005 : 06:24:14</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thanks Blue.
I should point out that I am not scared of ordinary hospitals and have had no problems being treated as an out patient or in patient in the past.
My specific fear is of psychiatric hospitals or wards, and that includes day hospitals/centres and even seeing psychiatrists or anyone from the CMHT.
If anyone has any experiences to share maybe it would help... I'm not sure. At the moment I am petrified.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
karen,
Just sending my thoughts to you cos you are in such turmoil. My only advice to you is, you give fantastic support and advice to others, can you think about how you would respond to someone else in your position and try to think about what words you would say to them and actually try to believe that your advice and support would maybe make them think more rationally and calmly.
i probably haven't expressed this very well [:I] but I don't know what to say except sending my thoughts as ever and I know Karen you know deep down what help you NEED however I realise the prospect seems so daunting that you don't want to face it.
All the best Karen
Sax xx
Hi Karen,
Thinking of you today and hoping that everything works out well for you.
Love Kate x
Thanks Sax, Kate and Nigel.
I'm trying to control the panic now because they will be here any minute. To be honest, I was tempted to go out so I could avoid having to see anyone, or just to ignore the doorbell, but then I would be letting K down and I don't want to do that.
However, I seriously doubt I will be able to admit how I am feeling or how this anorexia affects me though. On the one hand I do want to get better and be free from this eating disorder, but on the other hand I am just too scared to have anything to do with the CMHT or psychiatrists. I only went last week because my therapist didn't leave me much option really and because she agreed to come with me.
Now I just want to tell them I am coping ok and that I don't need any extra help. I want them to leave me alone. I don't know what they are going to do. I don't need crisis care.
Really I just want K to come and rescue me... even though I know this is just a dream[:I].
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
You'll be back by the time you read this - I hope all went ok and I will be loggin on later to see how you got on.
Love Piglet x
Thanks to everyone who posted support for me here.
I'm so relieved that is over. It was a CPN and a social worker who came to see me and it was very difficult. They were here for well over an hour, mainly because I found it so difficult to say anything. I'm not sure what is happening now because they've gone away to discuss my situation. They did at least seem more understanding than the CPN and social worker I saw at my original CMHT assessment and they didn't believe no one from there had followed up on seeing me again.
Apparently though the original CPN had written that I was 'uncooperative' and that I didn't want treatment - but that's because she told me I would have to give up contact with K in order to be referred any therapy.
The CPN today said that she is not sure what they can do in terms of help for me because they usually only see people for a couple of weeks to help them through a crisis, whereas my problems are more long term.
They talked a bit about the day hospital but this would mean making a commitment to attend every day, Monday to Friday between the hours of 10am - 4pm. There are 15 patients there at any one time and a lot of group discussion and activities. It all sounds too scary to me and now I'm sure I don't want to go there, and particularly not every day of the week.
Not sure what happens now, as I have to wait to hear from them. They did mention the possibility of seeing the psychiatrist locally who specialises in eating disorders, but this is a man unfortunately and I said no to that idea. I just can't do it. The CPN told me the nearest eating disorder clinic they refer to is in Maidstone and she is making some enquiries about this, but again I wouldn't want to have to go there every day.
I have to admit to playing down my problems a lot and I didn't tell them everything that has been happening because I was too scared what might happen, especially when they told me they had to be sure I would not harm myself when they left, or that I wouldn't collapse from health problems. I don't believe I will anyway.
One of them is going to ring me later so now I'm feeling anxious about that and it means I can't go to bed and try to sleep like I need to.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Now I'm panicking again.
I've just had a call from the social worker who came today. She said her and the CPN want to come back to see me tomorrow. Why????
Does this mean it is something bad if they are coming back so soon?
Also she told me that the social worker I saw for my initial CMHT assessment is going to be attending the appointment with the psychiatrist on Thursday afternoon. What is going on? I feel like I'm being bombarded from all angles.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen!
Hang in there. They are trying to help you, not bombard you. Just keep thinking about the word "care" whenever your mind is telling you to fear their help.
I'm sending up prayers for you again.
(((((((hugs))))))))))
Andrea
"Honey, if ya ain't feelin' the bumps in the road, ya ain't goin' nowhere!" (A wise Georgia Granny's take on living life to the fullest! LOL!)
There's nothing worse that being left in the lurch and not really sure what is going to happen.
All I can say is that I'm actually happy that the professionals are now being active in trying to give you treatment.
I'm sure that its fairly common for the people they see not to tell them everything, but as I see it they need to get you eating again which will need some psychological work too.
You should tell them about your strong dependence on K, and the difficult relationship you have with Dad and other family members. Also the social phobia thing. My psychotherapist tells me that I should only open up so far with him at first as otherwise it may have an adverse effect on me, so I hope your mental health people will take the same approach.
You say Maidstone is a long way, but if you could believe the amount of good that could give you, it would be no distance at all. Just as Alton Towers gives you friendship, Maidstone could help turn your life around.
Remember, those other people in the group will have their own issues too, I bet many of them were dead scared about making the move. They may have social phobia too. It would be fascinating to hear their stories and see how far they have come - they could give you renewed inspiration.
Those people are coming around tomorrow for one reason only - to make you better. Please think of it like that, and not as bearers of bad news.
Be Strong,
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
Andrea: Thanks for your support.
Ray: Thank you. I just don't like not knowing what is going on and now I have another night of feeling anxious and not being able to sleep. I haven't slept since Sunday night as it is.
I expect there are a few people who might be relieved that mental health professionals are now involved in my treatment but I'm not. I feel like I am losing control even more now and that makes the anorexic thoughts stronger.
They have an outline of my various issues because I showed them a copy of the letter K originally wrote for me and sent to the psychiatrist on my behalf outlining what has been happening. So they know about the obsessive attachment issue and how dependent I am on K, and also about the depression and social phobia. They also know that relationships with my family are difficult but not about recent developments with Dad because K wrote that letter a couple of months back before all this happened.
Maidstone is where the eating disorders centre is. The day hospital is local but I've already said no to going there because it is mixed and I would feel like it is a prison having to go there every day. Where is the choice or control of my own life in being told I have to attend all day from Monday to Friday?
I'm trying not to think of tomorrow as bad news but it all seems rather rushed and urgent to me. It makes me think that it's not good news.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
Those people are coming around tomorrow for one reason only - to make you better. Please think of it like that, and not as bearers of bad news.
Be Strong,
Ray
<div align="right">Originally posted by clickaway - 23 August 2005 : 17:51:12</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hi Karen,
Thanks for keeping us informed - try to hold onto the quote above.
You could at least give a try to what's suggested - if it really isn't you then you've lost nothing by giving it a go have you. You know that we'll all be loggin to check your ok too don't you.
Love Piglet:)
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thanks for your message Piglet.
I know I should try to see the involvement of these people as help and I do try. I've been trying to calm down about it but it doesn't take long before I am panicking again and thinking it will lead to me being sent into hospital.
I'm so tired tonight but can't sleep despite taking a sleeping tablet. I think I might have to take another one if I'm to get any sleep before the crisis team come here later. I've been reading stuff on the Internet about the experience of people with anorexia when they've been treated in hospital and it is not at all positive.
Anyone reading something like that would be scared of this happening to them and that is without the fears I have had about psychiatric hospitals since childhood.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
hope everything went ok today,
The things you read on the interntet were probably written by people who were as scared as you, and no its not nice to have to do anything that makes you feel affraid, so i bet for a lot of those people it was not a pleasant experience, but im sure if at the end off it they have came through this and beat it im sure they thought it was worth it in the end,
have you spoken to your therapist about all the fears you have about psychiatric hospitals, and the fact that they make take control over you, im sure you have im just interested what they said to put your mind at rest
hope you managed to get some sleep
kairen x
Hope all went ok today Karen. Thinking of you :)
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
Hi Kairen
Well today was a waste of time. I am not feeling great today anyway. I have a migraine and feel sick so had to drag myself out of bed because the crisis team were meant to be coming to see me again.
However, they phoned right on my appointment time to cancel their visit. They said they have passed my case back to the psychiatrist and the social worker I originally saw from the CMHT.
I don't trust her or the original CPN because of them panicking me when I went for my initial assessment and telling me that I had to give up contact with K.
The crisis team just want me to see the psychiatrist and the original social worker tomorrow but I don't see any point really. This whole exercise appears to be a complete waste of time.
All they asked me today was whether I had any thoughts of hurting myself and whether I had eated today.
Spent the rest of the afternoon in bed as I'm feeling so bad.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Haven't been able to sleep again tonight and still feeling ill with a migraine and feeling sick. I'm also feeling rather dizzy and shaky.
I have to drive to Brighton this morning to see my therapist and then have the appointment with the psychiatrist and social worker this afternoon. I don't really want to go to this appointment this afternoon and part of me hopes I get help up in Brighton so I can't make it.
Just feel like staying in bed really.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Good luck with today's appointments Karen.
Look forward to hearing how you've got on later.
Love Piglet x
Hi Karen
I cant believs they cancelled if they only knew how much hard it had been for you even to consider seeing them and for them to let you down at the last minute is terrible,
do hope you got on better today, hope the migraine is a bit better i get them they are awful,
thanks for the happy birthday,
its nice you still think about other people even though your going through so much yourself
good luck for today xxx
kairen x
Thanks for your messages Piglet and Kairen.
Unfortunately the appointment with the psychiatrist and a social worker did not go well this afternoon. They couldn't even agree between themselves about the best way forward. The social worker seemed to think I could manage with the input of a dietician and monitoring by my doctor, while the psychiatrist was talking about me being at risk of heart problems and wanted me to consider going into hospital. I said no to that suggestion because it is my worse fear.
It seems the crisis team didn't think I was in enough of a crisis situation to warrant their involvement, and even though they considered day hospital treatment, this was declined, again, because I'm not in crisis. And yet the psychiatrist wants me in hospital!!! I didn't want to go to the day hospital anyway really but still it is ridiculous. They can't even decide whether this is a crisis or not.
Then the psychiatrist made me to panic by telling me if I lose any further weight they will section me and she told me I have to start gaining because it is too dangerous for me to remain at this weight.
Now I don't want anything to do with any of them because they are making me worse. I don't need the extra anxiety or stress because it makes the anorexia worse, just at a time when I had at least been eating regularly this week.
I just want K. I can only feel safe with her. I even feel scared at home now just when I was feeling a little better and more relaxed after seeing my therapist this morning. Now the anxiety and panic are back and I've got chest pain and palpitations again. This confirms my beliefs about NHS mental health services and how invovlement with them makes me worse.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
so sorry to read that i cant believe they cant get their act together before they come to see, cant they see they are putting you under more pressure, so really you are no further forward and for how upset you were about them coming,
hope your ok i can imagine how you feel
kairen x
Thanks Kairen. I just don't know what to do anymore and they are making me worse. They know how the mere mention of hospital sends me into a panic and yet not only did the psychiatrist again try to convince me to agree to be admitted, she also threatened me with being sectioned.
If she thought that might scare me into eating it doesn't and in fact it has the opposite effect. Now I am struggling with panic again tonight which means I am less able to deal with the anorexic thoughts and I'm sure anyone would agree that it is difficult for anyone to eat anything when they are panicking, let alone suffering from anorexia.
Although I realise they have to point out the dangers and what could happen, one minute they are saying I am not at crisis point and the next talking about being sectioned.
I can't trust any of them and wish I'd never got involved with them at all. I don't know what the answer is but I know the answer doesn't lie with the CMHT or NHS mental health services.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I'm sorry today hasn't gone too well.
In some ways I wish they could see the whole of this thread and the way you're feeling then perhaps they would stop faffing and construct a proper plan.
What do you personally hope they would come up with as a route forward that you would feel safe and happy with??
Love Pig x
Hi Piglet
Show them this thread and they would probably conclude that I'm definitely losing my mind and section me anyway[Sigh...].
I don't know what the answer is anymore and I'm even more confused and scared since the psychiatrist and CMHT became involved.
Initially I was willing to consider going to the day hospital, but not all day every day because this is too much and when it came down to it they decided I'm not bad enough to need it anyway. How can someone supposedly need hospital admission more than day hospital access? Anyway they put me off this idea before they told me my referral had been rejected.
I suppose maybe a specialist out patient eating disorder clinic because maybe then someone would know what they are doing. However, I am so scared now to go near anyone medical that I can't see me being able to go somewhere like that, even if it were a possibility.
Until the psychiatrist mentioned admitting myself to hospital, or the possibility of being sectioned, I was trying to work with them. I agreed to work with the dietician and to consider drink supplement, even though the amount of calories in these is something I would find extremely difficult to cope with. I agreed to them discussing referral to a psychologist, but now I can't handle any of it. I don't think I can even handle my next appointment with my doctor, or the blood tests because the psychiatrist said the moment something abnormal shows up on these results they will have me in hospital.
I don't know any longer. I want help but can't cope with the way things are handled on the NHS because this is just stirring up my fear of mental health services and making everything worse. They are making me feel like there is no hope and I might as well give up.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
It seems reading through some of the posts again that the psychiatrist is the one you who seems to suggest the options which alarm you the most.
Can I ask a really dumb question here - what is the difference between the therapist and the psychiatrist and which one of them do you feel more comfortable with?
Love Pig x
Hi Piglet
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Can I ask a really dumb question here - what is the difference between the therapist and the psychiatrist and which one of them do you feel more comfortable with?
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 25 August 2005 : 19:20:39</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
That's not a dumb question. My therapist is a private hypnotherapist/psychotherapist and I feel most comfortable with her, I suppose because I feel more in control of the situation knowing that she isn't part of the NHS and she actually listens to me and takes account of my wishes.
It is the psychiatrist, the CPNs and the social workers that scare me, because they are the ones talking about hospitals and sectioning, and they were also the ones who initially made me panic by telling me I had to cut contact with K too. It is now everyone to do with mental health in the NHS that I feel the need to avoid. I'm not even sure I can trust my doctor now because she can be overruled by the psychiatrist or a member of her team.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Thanks for answering that.
Does your therapist offer on any views on the whole thing?
It seems a shame that the medical team seem to be scaring you - do they realise this????????
Love Pig x
My therapist replied to an email I sent her about what happened today and she wants to ring and speak to the psychiatrist tomorrow. The thing is I am so scared of having anything to do the the psychiatrist, the CMHT or anyone to do with NHS mental health now that I don't want her to ring them. I am scared anything else that might be said could make things worse.
This means I run the risk of my therapist giving up on me too, as she said last week that she would only continue working with me if I had medical help too. After today I can't agree to that.
I can't go into hospital no matter what anyone says and I don't even need to be there. This is one experience that seems to be typical of the way people with anorexia are treated in hospital and it just compounds my fear:
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">"Programs", as they were known amongst the girls, were something to be avoided at all costs. I was stripped of everything important to me - my books, my writing material, my music, my cryptic crosswords, my phone calls, my visits from family and friends, my photographs, my sanity…I was left only with my thoughts. Thoughts of suicide. In such a program I had to 'earn' back these things - the things that were my only lifeline - by gaining weight. My radio was worth 0.5kg, a shower, 1.5kg, a phone call, 2.5kg, a visit from my parents, 4kg. When you find yourself in this predicament, you quickly learn that you need to eat to establish your self-worth. That a unit of weight and a number on the scales earn you the right to talk to your mother, or listen to your favourite Baroque music as you cry yourself to sleep at night. </td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It just confirms to me that I would be kept away from K and if that happened I would just give up. I can't live without her. She is everything to me. I need her so much tonight.
Right now I just feel like giving in to the anorexia and I don't care what it does to me. Life without K would be unbearable anyway. It is only for her that I have managed to have something light to eat tonight. I know she would want me to continue trying to eat. I want to do it for her.
I am tired of fighting this illness and I don't know where to go from here or how much longer I can keep this up, particularly when talk of hospital and being sectioned just makes everything so much harder. There is a small part of me still trying to fight it but I'm not sure it is enough. I'm not sure there is enough to live for. I want to be with K but I know I can't and right now that is the only thing I can focus on.
I feel today was all my fault and I've failed again because what I expected to happen with the psychiatric services has been proved right. They are fulfilling some of my worst fears and I am being passed about from person to person in exactly the same way as has happened in the past. It is like it is my fault that no one and nothing is helping.
On top of everything tonight, I had a text from my Dad telling me I should ring him and ask how he is. He also said in no uncertain terms how bad I am as a daughter because I haven't phoned him to check he is ok.
I wish I could get away from here. I no longer even feel safe at home. I just want K to look after me[:I].
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen!
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
Still praying for you.
You are surrounded by love at these boards. There are so many people on here who care about who you are and what happens to you. If you could envision all of us forming a circle around you like a barrier of protection against your fears of not knowing what is about to happen, we are here. Even if you have no contact for a while, we are all still here caring what happens to you and supporting you in our thoughts. Take us all with you in your thoughts and draw strength from knowing that our thoughts are on you too!!
"Honey, if ya ain't feelin' the bumps in the road, ya ain't goin' nowhere!" (A wise Georgia Granny's take on living life to the fullest! LOL!)
Hi Karen,
Out of the options available to you I think the attending the day hospital sounds the least scary - do you think you may be able to think about that one at all??
Love Pig x
im so sorry that the NHS had let you down like this, its no wonder you have no faith in them,
I think your Dad needs a wake up call surely he can see that you are having enough problems with out him burdening you with his, he is a grown man and should not be puttin on you like this,
I do hope you go to your doctors appointment, dont give up i know your really scared at the moment and im not surprised, i think its disgraceful the way they have handled this
do hope you managed to get some sleep
take care
kairen x
Thanks everyone for the replies
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Out of the options available to you I think the attending the day hospital sounds the least scary - do you think you may be able to think about that one at all??
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 26 August 2005 : 11:42:06</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
The day hospital is no longer an option because apparently they cannot offer me a place because I am not a crisis case. This is what does not make sense. The psychiatrist wanted me in hospital and threatened me with being sectioned and yet I am not ill enough for the day hospital. So even if I had wanted to give this a go it isn't an option.
There don't appear to be many options and I have completely given up on them being able to do anything to help. They are just making me feel worse. They pushed me to the edge yesterday and if it weren't for K I don't know what could have happened.
Neither K, nor my therapist, are very impressed with the way this has been handled from start to finish.
Kairen: Dad doesn't really care what he's doing to me I don't think. He is so caught up in himself and his problems that he can't see anything else. He seems to be the only one who thinks I am well and there is nothing wrong with me.
I'm still avoiding him and have been ignoring the phone this afternoon because I am sure he has been trying to get through. I can't deal with the pressure from him on top of everything else.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Gosh Karen,
It seems the phychiatrist is the one pressing the alarm buttons as the others don't seem to think you are a crisis case - either you are or you're not and I don't think it's very fair to scare you like this.
Just for the moment lets forget about the phychiatrist - if you are not a crisis case what is the treatment supposed to be for non crisis anorexia sufferers. Sorry for asking ignorant questions I'm just trying to see the wood for the trees.
Is the process,
1. Initial visit to GP
2. Referral to Phychiatrist
3. Recommended course of treatment
4. Discussion of which treatment programme to follow between phychiatrist and patient.
5. Get on with decided treatment.
What other people need to be involved and what is their role? You just seem to have an awful lot of people not agreeing on what level you're at and making you more anxious all to no end.
I can see how utterly frustrating this is and I really hope some sort of action plan can be decided upon soon so you can be proactive again rather than reactive.
Sendin you a big hug.
Love Pig x
i dont blame you karen i think i would do the same,
poor thing you have it coming in from every direction,
dont give up on docs yet though,
kairen x
Hi Piglet
Thanks for your reply.
I don't believe I am a crisis case, although lots of people are telling me the situation is serious and that I have got to gain weight. However, I find that impossible to even consider and even trying to maintain is a struggle because the anorexia makes me want to keep losing even more.
I have to admit that the psychiatrist isn't the first person to suggest hospital treatment but she made it sound like it's inevitable and that's what has panicked me.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Just for the moment lets forget about the phychiatrist - if you are not a crisis case what is the treatment supposed to be for non crisis anorexia sufferers.
Is the process,
1. Initial visit to GP
2. Referral to Phychiatrist
3. Recommended course of treatment
4. Discussion of which treatment programme to follow between phychiatrist and patient.
5. Get on with decided treatment.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 26 August 2005 : 18:44:42</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
No one seems to know. I've been through the process of referral from my GP to a psychiatrist for assessment. Her only suggested treatments were hospital - either as an inpatient (which I don't want), or day hospital (which I was turned down for), or medication which again won't solve the problem.
The psychiatrist wanted me to be seen regularly by the CMHT but the social worker said this isn't necessary. The only other person to be getting involved now possibly is a dietician, although this won't help with what caused the anorexia in the first place.
It's anyone's guess what will happen next. I'm sure I don't know. Seeing a psychologist for some sort of CBT type therapy is what my current therapist recommended initially, as well as ongoing support from a CPN, but the CMHT have messed me around and caused more problems than they've helped right from the beginning. The possibility of going on a waiting list to see a psychologist has to be discussed with the CMHT but I was told this might be rejected too because of pressure on resources.
It seems to me they just want to dope me up on drugs or admit me for re-feeding, both of which would only temporarily possibly solve some of the physical health problems. I don't believe there is any available NHS help out there.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Thanks Kairen but I've already given up on them. This is a hopeless situation.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
(((((((((((((((((((karen)))))))))))))))))))))))))
I really as usual cannot offer advice however please take comfort in all the love and support from the wonderful people here who are all with you all the way! We are all thinking of you Karen, please always remember this when you are feeling at your lowest.
Stay strong Karen and your support here is invaluable so wishing you all the best and we are all here for you!
Sax xx[8D]
Thanks Sax. I am trying to but sometimes it feels like there is no way out of this and the so-called 'help' from the NHS has just made everything worse.
I have tried to go this route like everyone urged me to and now I know my initial thoughts about this were right all along and there is no point in pursuing this any longer.
Although I don't know how to come through this, I know I can't have another week like the one I've just had. From now on I am steering clear of everyone connected with NHS mental health services.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
if you've lost faith with the nhs mental health services do you have an idea of who can help you through this?
Sorry if I am repeating what you may have already expressed but there is always a way forward, I know its just finding it?
Obviously don't feel you have to answer this, I am just trying help you think about the way you can be happy with the intervention you could receive!
Take care Karen - here for you as always
Sax xx[8D]
Hi Sax
The only way I see forward now is the way I was managing before the NHS got involved - with help from K, from my private therapist and with the kind support from people here and on my other forum.
I feel as long as I have K somehow I manage to keep going, but if anything were to happen to this relationship it would all fall apart. This is another reason I won't go into hospital or be apart from her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
I never feel my words are enough however I will just say you know you will ALWAYS have our support here on the forum and your other one too! We will be here for you Karen whenever you need us so keep posting and we will keep replying! Here for you Karen!
Take care
Sax xx[8D]
Good morning Karen,
I agree with Sax about the support you have on here. You always give such sensible advice in your answers to posts (it's so easy when its not ourselves isn't it).
Anyway I think while the dust settles I would do as you suggested for yourself and see how it goes for now.
Love Piglet :)
Hi Karen,
I know that K gives you invaluable support, as does your therapist and this site.
But what I'm really worried about is your lack of eating and it seems that you need help beyond what you are receving at the moment.
I'm not sure what approach the professionals would suggest - dispelling those anorexic thoughts in order to get your appetite back is obviously key, but I don't know how long that would take.
Having met you at the London meet up, I can see that you are a worthy cause and feel that Stage I of your recovery is to increase your food intake by whatever method. Have you any idea how you could achieve this given your thoughts?
I know you probably don't like me saying this, but I really think you ought to go for the hospital treatment, although I think they ought to take into account your psychological needs.
At the end of the day, a period of treatment which you may find difficult may be the only effective solution so that you can enjoy the rest of your life.
Don't give up - you are still young, and this will be a small price pay to find a new You!
Take Care,
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
Hi Ray
Thanks for your post.
At the moment I don't know what would help me start increasing my food intake because I don't feel I can do it or that I need to. I don't have a problem with my appetite though, it is just the anorexic thoughts that prevent me from eating.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I know you probably don't like me saying this, but I really think you ought to go for the hospital treatment, although I think they ought to take into account your psychological needs.
At the end of the day, a period of treatment which you may find difficult may be the only effective solution so that you can enjoy the rest of your life.
<div align="right">Originally posted by clickaway - 27 August 2005 : 15:30:43</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
No matter what happens I cannot go into hospital for treatment. It is the worst possible scenario and won't help. If anything it will make me worse, particularly my mental and emotional state because I won't have contact with K. I get so distressed without her and wouldn't even want to live any longer.
Whatever the answer is it cannot involve psychiatrists, the CMHT or hospital.
Thanks Piglet for your message.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen just to let you know Im following the thread and still thinking of you, take care, love Alexis,xx
Thanks Alexis.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I am so tired having been up all night and even having taken my sleep medication I am still unable to sleep.
I've been upset by something someone did, well more what they said really because it involved K and makes me think how much I'm hurting her and what my obsession is doing to her.
I had to go to the supermarket this morning and bought a yoghurt to try to reintroduce this to my list of safe foods. I managed to eat half of it but now I feel really fat and bloated and the anorexic thoughts won't stop. It sounds really stupid I know that I get this way after half a pot of diet yoghurt.
I know if I want to stay out of hospital I have to start trying to eat more and a wide variety than the two or three items I've been having, but after attempts like this I just don't believe I will ever get there.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
**I know if I want to stay out of hospital I have to start trying to eat more and a wide variety than the two or three items I've been having, but after attempts like this I just don't believe I will ever get there.**
1/2 a yoghurt is a damn good start for today.
Be as pleased and encouraged with your small successes as we are.
Make tomorrows success finishing the other half.
Keep your expectations reasonable please- introducing new foods particularly those with protein in is the main priority right now and today you have succeeded.
Well done
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Totally agree with Meg and Nigel - that was great.
You must really praise yourself when you do well, as I do when I get to the local shop (usually with a magazine or something).
Big hug Karen x :)
Love Piglet
well done Karen,
that must have been really hard for you, but you did it, im so pleased, keep it up, you will get there in the end im sure of it,
take care
kairen x
A "Well Done" from me too!
Finish of that yoghurt tomorrow and try again Monday.
If you are strong enough to do this on a daily basis, you will be strong enough to succeed.
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
Good for you Karen!! :D
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
Hi Karen,
Just wanted to let you know that i am thinking of you, you were so kind to me when i first joined the forum, and you made me feel so welcome in the chat room when ever i went in there.
Take care hun.
Love
Trac xx
its "just a thought"
Thank you to everyone who posted supporting me.
I will try to see each step as a success but I suppose I just wonder whether this is going to be enough to stop what more and more people are seeing as the inevitability of me ending up in hospital.
I am going to try to have the other half of the yoghurt today even though I have really been struggling with the anorexic thoughts since having yoghurt yesterday.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Have messed up already today. I managed the other half of that yoghurt but then did panicked about it and did something really stupid.
I am also sure I shouldn't have even tried to eat the yoghurt because now I've not heard from K today and the anorexic thoughts threaten me that I'll not have contact if I eat.
I'm feeling really low and desperate now. I can't cope without her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
29-08-05, 13:17
Karen
What have you done that is stupid? Nothing is stupid if that is the way you feel and you can't control it.
Shouldn't it should be the other way round and if you eat then you will be rewarded because K will contact you?
Try to get out a bit today - it is lovely and warm here but I can't decide what to do and everything shuts at 4 pm so I best get moving soon.
Hope you manage to eat something more today and not feel guilty about it.
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Hi Nic
Don't worry it wasn't anything really bad that I did but it was stupid and I am too ashamed to even talk about it. I know K is going to be disappointed in me though and I feel I've let her down which makes me feel worse about it.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Shouldn't it should be the other way round and if you eat then you will be rewarded because K will contact you?
<div align="right">Originally posted by nomorepanic - 29 August 2005 : 13:17:22</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I suppose it might seem like it should be that way round but one of the anorexic thoughts I have constantly threatens me that if I eat it means I've been bad and I won't hear from her. It is very hard to ignore this because whenever I've tried to eat something different or something extra I then haven't heard from her, so it is proving the link between eating and something bad happening.
Did you manage to go out somewhere in the end? I hope you've had a good day.
I'm afraid I went to bed because the compulsive checking for K was really getting to me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
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