Bluebelle
26-04-09, 02:13
Greetings From Canada !
Hi Everyone- I am new
I am in the midst of a major depressive episode which started on Christmas Day . I have chosen not to take medication and I am in counselling.
I have been house bound with agorophbia but at the moment I can leave and go to work which is a family business- so I still sometimes hide in the office. Although I cannot bear the thought of anyone seeing in my house-weird.
I have GAD with an emphasis on social anxiety and now that I am 38 and alone -never been married or had a child I have only my tiny dog and
kitty cat-I feel the isolation and pain acutely. I cannot answer the phone and only recently I have been able to go into shops and drive after 10 years.
It is really hard for me to share as I felt the wrath of judgement and I know there are many people who have it harder and are happier. My family is not supportive as they think hard work cures everything. They think I am a burden and whisper amongst themselves whenever I am near-which is awful considering we all work together. They talk loudly to me as though I am deaf and lack comphrehension. They smile smugly at each other and act as though I am contagious -giving me a wide berth in the hallway at work. I really hate myself because deep down I know they are right. Sometimes I am glad I am alone so that I have no one else to dissappoint or burden.
Sometimes I can't even look at my tiny dog and kitty cat because I know I have dissappointed them as well. Especially if my house is messy- I can't seem to keep it neat and clean.
I go back and forth between these :
1) I can beat this-my life doesn't have to be like this - I can be a self reliant person with friends and maybe a family of sorts
2)I can't stop crying I am hopeless worthless and useless- I will always be alone- I am a burden to society and ashamed
I found this website and I have been reading everyone's accounts and it has truly given more hope than anything else I've ever tried.
The people here are so caring and I've never seen such beautiful support and strength.
You all have given me so much more than I deserve- many times I've come to this site sobbing and heartbroken and every time I have found comfort and hope.
Love always
Bluebelle
Hi Everyone- I am new
I am in the midst of a major depressive episode which started on Christmas Day . I have chosen not to take medication and I am in counselling.
I have been house bound with agorophbia but at the moment I can leave and go to work which is a family business- so I still sometimes hide in the office. Although I cannot bear the thought of anyone seeing in my house-weird.
I have GAD with an emphasis on social anxiety and now that I am 38 and alone -never been married or had a child I have only my tiny dog and
kitty cat-I feel the isolation and pain acutely. I cannot answer the phone and only recently I have been able to go into shops and drive after 10 years.
It is really hard for me to share as I felt the wrath of judgement and I know there are many people who have it harder and are happier. My family is not supportive as they think hard work cures everything. They think I am a burden and whisper amongst themselves whenever I am near-which is awful considering we all work together. They talk loudly to me as though I am deaf and lack comphrehension. They smile smugly at each other and act as though I am contagious -giving me a wide berth in the hallway at work. I really hate myself because deep down I know they are right. Sometimes I am glad I am alone so that I have no one else to dissappoint or burden.
Sometimes I can't even look at my tiny dog and kitty cat because I know I have dissappointed them as well. Especially if my house is messy- I can't seem to keep it neat and clean.
I go back and forth between these :
1) I can beat this-my life doesn't have to be like this - I can be a self reliant person with friends and maybe a family of sorts
2)I can't stop crying I am hopeless worthless and useless- I will always be alone- I am a burden to society and ashamed
I found this website and I have been reading everyone's accounts and it has truly given more hope than anything else I've ever tried.
The people here are so caring and I've never seen such beautiful support and strength.
You all have given me so much more than I deserve- many times I've come to this site sobbing and heartbroken and every time I have found comfort and hope.
Love always
Bluebelle