One step forward, five back...

[SarahP]

I'm finding things a bit tough at the moment. I seem to be getting so much better and more like myself on the good days, then something panics me and I feel worse than ever :wacko:

I want to share a weird way that my anxiety manifests itself, cos sometimes I feel so stupid about it and like I'm the only person who feels like this. I know most anxious people worry that their partner is going to leave them, but for me it's totally the other way round. He's such a lovely guy, and has stuck by me for two years when I've been in and out of this anxiety and depression. When I feel healthy we have such a good time and I know that I want to be with him, but when I'm like this I panic about how I feel about him. Suddenly all the little idiosyncratic things that I usually love about him become the most annoying things in the world, and I sometimes find it difficult to feel any kind of connection to him! When I first suffered with this a couple of years ago, I ended up breaking up with him for a while as I was sure it was the relationship that was wrong, but after a month or so when I felt better I realised how wrong I'd been and how daft worrying about that stuff was. Luckily he took me back, and never blamed me for it.

Feeling like this makes me feel so bloody guilty. You couldn't finder a nicer more understanding guy, and yet it seems my stupid anxiety is set on destroying that. It scares me so much, and seems to be the thing I get most upset about.

Does anyone else ever feel like this or am I just a self-sabotaging idiot here??

Sarah xxx

[SarahP]

Lol, guess I am the only one... :shrug:

[Patty]

Hi Sarah, :hugs:

I can so relate to your post.

I also find that just when I think that I'm getting better something very small will happen and 'bang' - it feels like I'm worse than ever. I think maybe it's because we can be so hoping & thinking that we won't have those horrible feelings again that this in itself can put too much pressure on us to feel 'better'. I have read about 'accepting' how you feel and if we have those really bad days just think of them as a temporary 'blip'.

I can also understand what you say about your feelings about your partner and the terrible guilt that you feel. It can all get so overwhelming at times. I think all the anxiety can lead us to 'question' things too much. I find that I can get into such a cycle of 'negative' thinking. I have found that it has helped if I have thoughts like this to keep reminding myself 'it's just anxiety - this is not really the way I feel'.

I think that people with anxiety are very caring. That is why we can be inclined to worry so much and then feel so guilty about 'negative' thoughts.

I hope it helps to know that you're not alone in how you're feeling. :hugs:

Best wishes xx :bighug1:

[meesh]

My past relationships my depression has got in the way no one understands me :-(

[PoppyC]

I read your post and thought thats how I am or rather used to be.
I have ruined so many relationships by my behaviour due to how I behaved mostly caused by my anxiety.
I would either think my boyfriend was the best person on the planet or would think he was the most horrrid person on the planet - there were no inbetweens.
I ruined a really good relationship in the past by how I behaved and I can now recognise how I can behave and have changed my ways of thinking about things.
I think however its perfectly natural at times to go on and off our partners and at certain times of the month my partner cannot do a thing right in my eyes - I feel sorry for him afterwards but I can be a complete c*w. No wonder he works away so many hours!!! Now that I am on citalopram and have calmed down a lot he doesnt seem to irritate me as much lol :yesyes:

[bobobob]

Sarah, You are special, don't put yourself down. Anxiety is a curse. I have no answer just to send you support. I suffer from depression and anxiety it can cause horrible things to happen. One step forward two back just sums up perfectly what I have been through. Thinking of you.

[SarahP]

Wow, I've just been bowled over by the support you guys have sent me. That sounds sarcastic or something but I promise it's not- I'm genuinely very touched by all the kind words. As always, it's comforting to know I'm not alone in this!

Patty, thanks for your comment about accepting your moods and feelings, and understanding that the bad ones are the anxiety, not me. Have just started on Citalopram today, wish me luck! hehe

Thanks again everyone :hugs:

[milly.lisa]

Hi Sarah,

I am a very new member to this site. And the reason I joined was because of the anxiety and the way the worrying made me guess my love for my boyfriend. I can totally relate and I understand exactly what you mean. I have been dating my boyfriend for over 4 years. And I actually broke up with him the first time I was wondering about my feelings for him. I too realized the mistake I made and he luckily took me back too. Now we have been living together for 2 years. I am doing much better with my anxiety (I am on meds). For me, I'll go for weeks feeling amazing, then I'll be very anxious for a week or two. The cycle continues like that. I don't have panic attacks, unless something big or stressful is happpening.

For example, I just got accepted to medical school. The first day, I was super excited, but then it turned to panic. My boyfriend and I are looking for apts since we have to move 4 hours away. And all of a sudden, I am back worring about my feelings for him. I find myself questioning how you can tell you are in love? I get scared because I know it's a big move and I don't want him to move for me if I'm going to end up hurting him in the end. But I try to remember that these worrying thoughts are a result of my anxiety that has been intensified by this exciting, but stressful news. I know I'm anxious because we are relocating, I'm starting medical school, I won't know anyone, and the future is just rushing forward!

My advice to you, as well as what I keep trying to make myself believe, is that anxiety causes many worrying questions and "what if" questions. It gets intensified if we dwell on these questions. It can become like a hurricane, the more you dwell and worry about why you are having this thoughts, the more intense and guilty you feel. We can't control thoughts but we can control which ones we believe. When you are feeling guilty and questioning your love, remember how it feels when you two are together and you're not having anxiety. I believe that our true selves are shown more when we are not anxios. So don't be afraid of your worries, just accept them for what they are..thoughts. And keep looking forward!

Please send me a message if you ever need to talk. As I am experiencing the same thing. It's always helpful to know you're not alone!

milly

[SarahP]

Thanks for your reply Milly! You sound so like me it's scary!

First of all, well done on getting into Medical school, you must be so proud and pleased. I'd love to keep in touch and support each other as we experience so much of the same thing, so if you ever need to talk you know where I am :hugs:

And you're right - it's such a comfort to know you're not alone in how you're feeling...:)