Disaster - very down about it.

[rocklover]

Hi,

As some of you know I started work again this week as a temp after not working since last Sept. Mon and Tues went well and I was pleased, but on Wed I had a PA about an hour before I left, this was due to the fact that I felt really sick the whole time I was there.

I couldn't calm down until just before I went to bed and this morning I woke up in a total panic and I didn't make it into work, I just felt too ill and frightened. I am so ashamed of myself and feel that I am a failure not to be able to manage work. I am going to try and get in tomorrow, but I am absolutely dreading it, which is what I shouldn't be doing I know.

I was doing so well in the last month, then I split up with my boyfriend about 3 weeks back and it made me doubt myself slightly. I wonder if this has caused my anx levels to go back up. Anyway, I am not sure why I am writing this here, I just needed to get my feelings out into the open. I honestly feel like a bad person and I just want to get better as my life is pathetic! I am 35 this year, divorced, small child, living with parents, broke, no partner; I feel pointless and like I am wasting my life with this bloody condition. I just want to get better.....but how?

[diane07]

Aww sarah,

don't be too hard on yourself hun, you are doing really well by going back to work in the first place, today was just a blip, and believe me i've had a few.

I know you may think you haven't got much in life at the mo but it will get better hun, you've just been through a break up which is not nice at all, try having a pampering day at home today just to relax you, hopefully you will have a better day tomorrow, but please don't beat yourself up about not going in today, it was just a difficult day for you.

best wishes

di xx

[rocklover]

Thanks Di,

Utterly terrified that I won't be able to go back tomorrow..or at all. I hate being like this. I started taking 10mg of Citalopram Thursday of last week, I can only hope it will help me when it eventually kicks in.

:(

[diane07]

Sarah if you wait for panic to come, it will come.

Just take each day at a time, if you can't make it in tomorrow, then you can't, you can only do what you can do.
but remember that thinking of doing these things is more often than not worse than doing the deed itself

di xx

[mave]

Rock, don't be too hard on yourself. As you know I retired a month ago from the job that I held for 21 years.
Due to not being able to get through the train journey to London I had to work from home on my laptop for the last 6 weeks of my career. I don't count it as a failure, it happened and I wasn't in a good place at that time. I couldn't pinpoint why I was like this and I still can't you have had some nasty things happen to you, I don't see how you can blame yourself, you at least got to job and worked - well done!!

xxx:winks:

[alihud]

Rock you are so like me in theway that you think,attacking urself when things go wrong.I have always tried to use positive affirmations(there r some on here somewhere)and they start to turn my thinking back around cos you've got urself into a negative spiral same as me.You have to keep saying this affirmations over and over until they get imprinted on your brain.I keep saying I am strong I am strong,even if youdont believe it initially you can fool ur subconscious into believing and youwill start to feel better.
Ali xxx

[skyblue]

Hi

well done for getting out the door to go back,im due to return to work on sat after 3 weeks off,and have pictured the senario in my head, i took longer off as i kept missing days,id be back 1 or 2 weeks then off again,which then make you feel guilty,then that leads to anxiety,dont be hard on yourself,you have to think your health is more important,perhaps one day a week might be enough to start with.
bring on saturday!!!!! gulp!!!!

good luck

skyxx

[rocklover]

Thanks so much everyone. I realise thatI really need to change my thought patterns and like myself a little more in order to move forward. I think the positive affirmations are a good idea Ali, I will try that and see what happens.

I want to go in tomorrow, and i will do my best.

x

[MOJO]

Hi!
Well done for going into work even for a couple of days. I hope you managed into work today but don't beat yourself up about it if you didn't. I don't work but even panic about going to the local shop these days! So I think you are doing great. Good luck.x

[rocklover]

Hi, thanks Mojo and Tet!

I didn't get in today, had a bit of a meltdown this morning as I was so terrified. I am more mystified and frustrated than anything else, I don't uinderstand why I can't do it. I am hoping the meds will help eventually, but I am not going to give up, maybe it's just the wrong job for me.

So I will just keep plugging away. Thanks again.

S x

[PoppyC]

Hi :)
How are you feeling today? Did you get back into work?
I think you are doing really well. You had a day where you had a blip but that happens, you should take pride from the fact you got back out there to work.
You have been through a lot. Dont see yourself as a failure - see yourself as a person who is going through a tough time and who is doing her best to get through it and improve her circumstances.
Ok for now you live at home with your parents but it wont always be like that for you. Your relationship with your ex partner has just ended - thats never an easy thing to cope with. Dont be so hard on yourself. I think you are doing really well - returning to work when we suffer with anxiety and depression is never easy.
I am citalopram and I know the early days of taking it made my emotions go everywhere - it does get better as time goes on with taking them.
I hope you have a better day and even if you dont do, there will be better days ahead regardless. :hugs:

[rocklover]

Hi Poppy, thanks for your reply.

I didn't make it into work today and I do feel very annoyed with myself, but I am trying not to beat myself up. I am doing the best that I can, even if it's not quite as good as I would like.

I know that going back to work is my biggest demon as work is where it all started last year and I only managed a day in a new job that I had previously temped in happily. So I just seem to have a block when in a work situation. I am going to do all I can to get over this and tell myself that I am a good person and a strong person every day.

S x

[diane07]

Don't worry about it hun,
I had a bad day myself today, just a blip, you'll get there and we're all here to help you.

best wishes

di xx

[Reggie]

if you wait for panic to come, it will come.



This is so true. I'm just about to leave on a weekend trip with my family and I feel awfully anxious and panicky about it (I'm the only driver too!). Someone said "it's your thoughts that make you panic, not the place" - I'm going to use this as my mantra this weekend.

Hope you feel better soon Rocklover!

Wish me luck!!

[rocklover]

Thanks Di, hope your day gets better. Good luck Reggie, I am sure you will have a great time.

S x