Fear of rejection patterns about making friends

[melody]

Hi,

I have decided that I am sick & tired of poison friendships. I have had enough of thinking I have a friend, but as soon as I run out of money, don't do them a favour that day, speak the truth about my feelings, or in the many other ways that I don't give into their demands that time, I get dumped strait away. None of the nice things I've done when it was suggested are remembered. I go out of my way to help other people all the time. I get used. They pretend they like me, but they just think I'm a sucker. I guess I've had a habit of making friends who are manipulative because they can see I'm a soft touch about lending money & doing favours for others. They feed my ego a little as I have had low self esteem, so I fall for the things they tell me. Afterwards they are so rude they refuse to make eye contact & if I say hello they turn their back to me. Not nice! They won't tell me why so I used to assume the worst. I have noticed the pattern about when I run out of money now.

I need to change. I need to open my eyes & see who people really are, not who I would like them to be. I need to learn to be more perceptive in noticing the personalities of others. I believe the reason I've had disastrous friendships is because I accept all the flaws, I don't notice if people are using me, or if it's going both ways. Not until a year or more later when I get hurt if I run out of money, or if I have my own problem at the time & can't handle theirs that day. I let people get away with putting me down.

I would rather be alone than put up with someone who can't accept me the way I am, or who only accepts me if I continue to give into their demands. It's time I learned to have my own tricks for accepting myself that aren't reliant on anyone else. It's time for me to grow a backbone & learn to be stronger. There is no need to be afraid of they way people are.

If anyone else is facing a similar situation, feel free to tell me your thoughts.

[melody]

Dear Tetley,

Thank you for your support.

I plan to move on from this now that I have identified the patterns that have caused me to keep repeating the same situations. I have finally recognized the part that I have played in allowing this to keep happening to me. Now I can stop wasting time blaming myself over the small things. Instead I can make the positive changes that I need to make and break out of this negative spiral. I never used to be able to figure out what I was doing wrong. I don't expect it to be easy, but I expect it will be worth the time & effort it costs.

It can be hard to face the difficult truths about ourselves, but I've found that admitting everything that I've spent so long being ashamed of for all of these years has set me free. I used to feel like I was this terrible person & if I accidentally admitted my problems there would be terrible consequences. Perhaps in the past there was. My past is gone now. I can choose what, or how much I am willing to accept. I must learn when to walk away. How hard can it be.:flowers:

I read once: over empathizing can cause you to neglect your own needs.

[bobobob]

Unfortunatly its human nature. These people were not real friends. It's good you realise that they were using you. It's really hard to come to terms with which shows you have strength of caracture. I love the way you are talking in your reply. Seems like your determined and I congratulate you for that.
I wish you all the best. It seems like you have already come over a lot of hurdles already. For that you deserve a hug.

[MamboCat]

These people sound like proper fair weather friends. They're not worth having around or worrying over. I know its easier said than done though as I've unfortunately encountered similar people in my life.

[melody]

Hi guys,

I totally agree. I have met heaps of nice people. I get shy which is hard to snap out of. It is especially hard to cope with criticism about coping with mental illness & permanent injury. It hurts! That scares me off people sometimes. I have spent so many years bottling up my feelings because I never wanted to upset anyone. I should have been more careful about not letting myself get upset & letting people get away with hurting my feelings without telling them off for being rude & thoughtless. I put all the blame on myself every time.

I guess I am very lucky that I have met some positive people along the way. When they caught me crying or having a panic attack, they were kinder. Less judgemental. They can see that it's not the only part of who I am & they let it go. When I was kind to them when they were struggling, they showed appreciation. It helped me a lot. It's hard to get past a superficial small talk kind of thing though. I think I get intimidated because I think I'm not normal because of the pain & mental illness. I don't know where I picked up that stupid idea? Believing lies of mean people I guess.

I think that's the hardest part. Getting other people's critcisms out of my head, even after I found out they never had my best interests at heart. I have been focusing on 10 minutes per day where I focus on myself & only positivity is allowed. It has helped. I need to unlearn the guilt, self blame, regret etc. Before I could only think positive thoughts about anything other than me, so I feel like it's a big step. I sometimes get angry & feel like it's lies, but thats just the depression talking. I think it might take a few weeks at least before I feel it working properly & stop fighting a natural progression of new thought patterns. I never was much of a quitter!

I must replace my thoughts with self awareness and the realisation that nothing terrible will happen if I am more open & honest. It can only help me because I can be assertive enough to demand what I need. I dont think it's too much to ask to find someone to hang out with who accepts me as I am & who's only motive is to have fun doing nice things.
Thankyou very much for your replies. It has helped me feel positive:yahoo:

Melody
Thankyou 4 hugs :) & support.

[Gem86]

I have had the same problems with people i thought were friends, who turned out to be users.
Just because i could not afford to go when they wanted, or did not act or dress or say what they wanted i would lose them.
For a long time i was a soft touch, in some ways i still am i tend to put everything into a friendship and it always goes wrong and they leave.
I have agoriphobia but i really tried with friends, but they didnt understand it was hard for me to just get out and meet them when they arranged it, i always tryed to make it and be happy but i do panic when im out, why cant i find a friend who understands how that feels???

[melody]

Hi,

it sounds like u would be a great friend 4 anyone who felt like I do! Why cant we just admit how we feel face to face? Oh yeah. People take advantage. Jerks! If u r like me, u r too shy to speak to everyone.

I would be proud if I could make a friend like u!

Live & learn, hey???

Melody

Hold your head high!