Panic attack in hotel room after being told stuff about my childhood

[Wee-Mee]

PLEASE HELP ME

Me and my partner had tried to sort things out and he was treating me to a meal and a night on the town if you will and stay at a nice hotel.


Got to the hotel about 4:30pm and we relaxed before I got ready..he got some champagne and I sipped some whilst doing my hair etc and getting ready...it felt nice..We got our meal for 8pm at a lovely restaurant and for once I was feeling sort of nice and I dunno..calm

But..then it just got downhill from ther eand it started with my friend.I had to meet him to give him his passport to get into a club. But the club he was going to actually never id him anyways.

3 of my friends then including him met me and I gave him the passport and they basically just ran away from me and my partner. Like,I was in heels and couldn't keep up and I felt like a Godamn sheepdog following them.We had to go that way anyways but we were gonna pop in with them for a quick drink. Didn't happen.



I'm 22 and I feel I'm immiture sometimes.. :(
Me being BPD traited apparantly,it just put me in the worst mood ever,and really at this point I just wanted to get drunk..stupid I know.. But the bars and stuff we tried getting into were closing and we didn't want to go higher uptown to a club..it was getting late anyways to get in.

I basically moped and ruined the night but I tried to cheer up but I set my bf off and he started and then we fought..AGAIN.. and basically ended up going kinda crazy in the hotel room. I kicked my ankle off of something and it's bruised to hell. :'(

And then my bf told me that my parents are why I'm the way I am and started telling me he bought "walking on eggshells" for people living with someone with bpd and that my mum apparantly told him that he was never to bring up stuff that happened to me as a child again or something..I was so out of it with anger I can't remember.

But I often have weird thoughts of a room with piano that was in my dads friend's house when I was about 4 and I never know if anything happened.

And I remember getting so drunk a year or two ago and I blurted out to my bf(same one) that I didn't know if I had been abused or not and this and that and I can't help beigng awful yada yada drunken stuff and he told my mum and dad and I was up all night with my parents speaking and there were no answers.

But apparantly shortly after that my mum said to my bf that he was never to tell me but apparantly one time in nursery my dad and stuff got called up cos I had blood in my pants but nothing came of it and I AM FREAKING THE HELL OUT.

My bf told me this last night whilst arguing and I ended up taking a panic attack.

I wanted to hurt myself so bad but it was kind of hard when the only thing in the room was tea spoons http://www.ceruleanbutterfly.com/forum/images/smilies/frown.gif

I feel awful. I am a bad person and I am more messed up than I thought and I just dunno what to do. And my as far as my mum knows last night was wonderful and nothing happened but I can't talk about this now.

I don't know what to do. I really feel like just ending it. Like,I just cause trouble,if it wasn't for me moping about the passport stuff I would have been fine..but I just go off the head with stuff and get hurt so bad and I just suck.

I was actually going to go down to hospital today,the psych bit and book myself in cos I really dont know what else to do. Bpd,anxiety,EDNOS,Depression and now this. I dont know.

If you read all this you are a star. :weep: :weep:

[LittleWing]

Hey Wee-Mee :) I'm really sorry to hear about everything that happened... I'm new here and I'm still finding my way around the site (sometimes I get quite lost in here!)

I have no idea what I would do if I were in your situation - it sounds like your boyfriend and mum have spoken more than you and your mum have; do you feel comfortable talking to her? Maybe it would help arranging a dinner, just the two of you, or something where you can spend time together and talk about what you're going through and maybe find a way of asking some questions?

I'm sorry if this seems harsh or judgemental -please don't take it that way - but it seems a little mean of your boyfriend to bring up such a sensitive issue in the middle of an argument. I don't really know what happened, or what you were arguing about, but it seems a little unfair of him to do that if that was the case.

I'm also 22, I've had my share of eating problems, depression, anxiety, si etc... and I often feel like a little girl because of all of it. I feel I can't cope with everyday situations sometimes. But to be honest it's hard going through this kind of thing when you've got a backlog of all sorts of other worries - don't be too hard on yourself love, you tried to have a good time and it ended up going wrong but that's not your fault.

How are you now? Is there anything you can do to make yourself feel better that's not destructive? Maybe have some time to yourself, or write down your thoughts - perhaps plan what you'd like to talk about with your mum, if you think that's a good idea?

I hope you feel better ...
*hugs* xx

[Krakers]

Hi WeeMee, sorry to hear you're feeling down at the moment. Just a quick couple of things from me :

Firstly, alcohol doesn't help. It might seem like a good idea at the time and in the short term it feels like it does. In reality it just masks how you feel and makes you feel a whole lot worse the day after.

Secondly, I've recently had CBT. While it wasn't to look at the cause of my problems, rather to adjust how I react to now, we did end up talking about my past. Not only did a lot of things come out I didn't actively remember until then, there was also a whole lot more. Driving home after my second session I started to remember all sorts of things I'd long since buried away. I didn't end up having a PA, but they certainly came as a shock, and I can totally relate to how you feel.

The bottom line is what happened in my past wasn't my fault. None of what I can recall I instigated and none of that I can now change. While I'd rather have not had to confront a few things, I don't blame myself.

Your BF was wrong for bringing matters up as he did, but sometimes arguments lead us to say things we later regret.

You can't blame yourelf though for what other people do, have done, or the past. What matters is accepting things have happened previously and dealing with today. You can't change the past, but the future is blank canvas.

Try not to feel down (I know its easier said than done), but it really is for you to draw a line and take control of the future. Its yours, it belongs to you and you can do with it whatever you wish.

Krakers.

[NoPoet]

Now then Amy!

I will come to the "abuse" issue in a bit, but first I need to say that you are taking WAY too much on. You CANNOT deal with all these different problems at once -- you must get everything into order so you know where you are and what you're doing.

About bipolar disorder: have you been formally diagnosed? It is likely that a referral to your community mental health team will tell you whether you are bipolar or just having problems with depression. You should speak to your doctor about this as soon as possible. If you have already been told by medical professionals that you are not bipolar, try to stop labelling yourself with this illness. All you are doing is making yourself feel worse.

I'm not sure why your friends "ran away" from you -- I didn't understand this part of the story. Were they just messing about? Maybe they didn't want to spend the evening with your boyfriend? I'm not clear on what you "moped" about -- were you upset about your friends? Why did they run away?

It is only normal that your boyfriend will have spoken about you to your parents at some point. This is going to happen anyway as you are the one thing they have got in common. Also if your boyfriend has ever been concerned about you for any reason (everyone worries about their loved ones at some point) he would naturally want to speak to your parents.

Regarding the "abuse" issue, there is little or no evidence to suggest that anything has taken place. Your memories of that room could simply be a nearly-forgotten dream you had as a child. What did your parents tell you when you asked them if you'd been abused?

You have the personality type that defines itself by looking for problems. I know because I'm like that too. You are probably not happy until you have some problem to deal with. This probably means you are the kind of person who needs a bit of stress in their lives to keep them motivated. I'm like that. The problem is you don't know how to deal with some of your problems or you take too many of them on at a time and you become overwhelmed. Your problems start to look unmanageable when really they are manageable -- you have just got too much on your plate at this moment.

I've already suggested you speak to Samaritans and I think you do need to be referred on to a counsellor. You should definitely speak to your doctor and say to him or her "I want to spend a few minutes going through my situation" so they know they can't just get rid of you in two minutes by writing a prescription. You need to talk about these problems and get them out in the open so you can analyse the cause and deal with it.

Talking therapy can be tough and it is sometimes scary -- but that shows it's working, it shows you are dealing with the real causes of your problems. It won't be scary forever. Please speak to your doctor about this and call the Samaritans to offload your feelings. They have really, really helped me out and speaking to them has saved me from going into depressive moods several times.

[Wee-Mee]

Thanks. I am rather upset and confused about all this and don't really know where to turn or anything. I had tried to talk about it before with a previous therapist.. and I ended up feelinG AWFUL.

I am fed up feeling like I am getting somewhere then I jsut all doown again and further.

My chest is sore after the panic attack and I'm shaky just now

[bobobob]

Hi, You started off trying to help somebody by delivering a passport. You are a really good person that cares for others. I'm sure you may have some issues to sort out, but over all remember you are a special person. I cann only send you support and a big hug.

[Wee-Mee]

:( The thing with my friends were,I think they were pissy that me and my boyfriend were trying to sort things out again..

And then I was trying to have a civil converstaion with them and when I say ran they were walking ahead of me and not speaking to me..I felt like I was demeaned,I was being ignored.

I don't think I have Bipolar but I have been told by a psychiatrist at the hospital that I have Borderline Personality Disorder traits but they didn't really know if I was "full blown"

:(

I dont understand why my mum told my boyfriend about blood i my pants as a child at nursery and I really dont know .

I wish I had a plan to sort things out but I can't seem to get the paper and pen for it :'(

[NoPoet]

Hi Amy, if you felt like you were making progress then you probably were making progress -- but if you stopped because things were too painful and never tried to carry on, its no wonder you fell again.

If it gets too tough then it is totally fine to have a rest from it until your strength recovers. It's not a race. But I really do think you will benefit from talking therapy if you have noticed any improvement at all in the past. you need someone to unburden yourself to so you can undo the knot of tension and stress in your mind.

As for your mates, they sound like they were being weird -- running away from you is something they should have grown out of shortly after entering comprehensive school. That's their problem, not yours. Don't carry the can for their stupidity.