ilovecherries
05-05-09, 09:59
......followed by an early morning rummage on www for my latest diagnosis.:weep:
My husband went to work furious at me this morning, when I got mad because he refused to indulge in yet another session of prodding me for lumps. I don't know what has come over me. I've always been a bit of a worrier, but nothing like this before. (Actually, that's not completely true. I've had episodes like this in the past several times, but have been able to control them) I hold down a senior managment post in the NHS, I look all together, and inside I'm a wreck.
I have had a slightly enlarged node in my neck for well over 10 years, which appeared after a really nasty tonsil infection, and it was checked out at the time, I was told it was nothing, and to forget about it, so I did. For the last 10 years, I give it a quick poke every month to check it hasn't changed, and then ignore it. For some reason, about three months ago, I started to obsess about it. I went to the GP, he reassurred me that a lump that hadn't changed for a decade was very unlikely to be serious, especially given the lack of any other symptoms, and he checked all my other nodes, and said I was fine.
The reassurance lasted about 3 hours. Since then, I've been back about 6 times, convinced I have other lumps. (The first time was only a day after my initial visit). The doctor has either not been able to feel them at all, or says they are muscles nodules, fatty deposits etc etc. I've spent hours and hours googling symptoms, and had convinced myself I had lymphoma. My evidence for this is I had a raised inflammatory marker in my blood three years ago (I had a raging stomach bug at the time!). The levels started to drop within 2 weeks when I was re-tested, but I've convinced myself it was significant, and something was missed at the time. The doctor said the raised test was a blip, but I've convinced myself it was the normal one that was the blip, and I should have had more investigations.
I was getting increasingly in a state, and THEN on one of my (many) visits, with me begging him to check out other lumps I was convinced I had, the GP noticed I had a small thyroid goitre, and he ordered some blood tests (results on Friday). I had most of my thyroid removed 15 years ago, and he said the goitre was probably due to my remaining thyroid struggling a bit now I'm menopausal. So now of course, I can't make up my mind if I have lymphoma or thyroid cancer.
A rational part of me says this is ridiculous, the doctor says I'm fine, and the worst scenario is that I've got a bit of a thyroid problem which will need treatment. The irrational part thinks all the time that doctors make mistakes, and I keep thinking of a friend who died of breast cancer, as it wasn't detected till it was advanced, because of a missed diagnosis. Google certainly convinces me I'm seriously ill. Because I have access to online medical journals at work, I'm researching ever more obscure peices of research, all of which convince me I'm dying of some sort of cancer.
I persauded my husband to check me all over for lumps on Sunday, and managed (it was hard!) not to ask him to re-check yesterday. But I hardly slept last night, having been researching symptoms till about 2am, so this morning it seemed reasonable (yeah, right) to ask him to do another quick check. He refused, and I got almost hysterical. I've gone to work, but sat through my first meeting of the day on tenterhooks, desperate for it to finish, so that I could get back online or to the rest room to poke myself.
half an hour ago my husband called me, and told me he was really worried about me, that my behavious was bizarre, and HE had been researching my "condition" and he thought it sounded a lot more like health anxiety than anything else. He sent me this link.
Some of the posts could be me.......and yet I keep thinking "but what if I'm the one that really does have cancer"
I can't keep this up though, I'm exhausted:weep:
If you've got to the end, thanks for reading so far. Sorry for such a rambling, hysterical first post. Emily
My husband went to work furious at me this morning, when I got mad because he refused to indulge in yet another session of prodding me for lumps. I don't know what has come over me. I've always been a bit of a worrier, but nothing like this before. (Actually, that's not completely true. I've had episodes like this in the past several times, but have been able to control them) I hold down a senior managment post in the NHS, I look all together, and inside I'm a wreck.
I have had a slightly enlarged node in my neck for well over 10 years, which appeared after a really nasty tonsil infection, and it was checked out at the time, I was told it was nothing, and to forget about it, so I did. For the last 10 years, I give it a quick poke every month to check it hasn't changed, and then ignore it. For some reason, about three months ago, I started to obsess about it. I went to the GP, he reassurred me that a lump that hadn't changed for a decade was very unlikely to be serious, especially given the lack of any other symptoms, and he checked all my other nodes, and said I was fine.
The reassurance lasted about 3 hours. Since then, I've been back about 6 times, convinced I have other lumps. (The first time was only a day after my initial visit). The doctor has either not been able to feel them at all, or says they are muscles nodules, fatty deposits etc etc. I've spent hours and hours googling symptoms, and had convinced myself I had lymphoma. My evidence for this is I had a raised inflammatory marker in my blood three years ago (I had a raging stomach bug at the time!). The levels started to drop within 2 weeks when I was re-tested, but I've convinced myself it was significant, and something was missed at the time. The doctor said the raised test was a blip, but I've convinced myself it was the normal one that was the blip, and I should have had more investigations.
I was getting increasingly in a state, and THEN on one of my (many) visits, with me begging him to check out other lumps I was convinced I had, the GP noticed I had a small thyroid goitre, and he ordered some blood tests (results on Friday). I had most of my thyroid removed 15 years ago, and he said the goitre was probably due to my remaining thyroid struggling a bit now I'm menopausal. So now of course, I can't make up my mind if I have lymphoma or thyroid cancer.
A rational part of me says this is ridiculous, the doctor says I'm fine, and the worst scenario is that I've got a bit of a thyroid problem which will need treatment. The irrational part thinks all the time that doctors make mistakes, and I keep thinking of a friend who died of breast cancer, as it wasn't detected till it was advanced, because of a missed diagnosis. Google certainly convinces me I'm seriously ill. Because I have access to online medical journals at work, I'm researching ever more obscure peices of research, all of which convince me I'm dying of some sort of cancer.
I persauded my husband to check me all over for lumps on Sunday, and managed (it was hard!) not to ask him to re-check yesterday. But I hardly slept last night, having been researching symptoms till about 2am, so this morning it seemed reasonable (yeah, right) to ask him to do another quick check. He refused, and I got almost hysterical. I've gone to work, but sat through my first meeting of the day on tenterhooks, desperate for it to finish, so that I could get back online or to the rest room to poke myself.
half an hour ago my husband called me, and told me he was really worried about me, that my behavious was bizarre, and HE had been researching my "condition" and he thought it sounded a lot more like health anxiety than anything else. He sent me this link.
Some of the posts could be me.......and yet I keep thinking "but what if I'm the one that really does have cancer"
I can't keep this up though, I'm exhausted:weep:
If you've got to the end, thanks for reading so far. Sorry for such a rambling, hysterical first post. Emily