Seagull
05-05-09, 10:41
Hi all.
Iīm a 27 year old girl, happily engaged and have a 3 year old daughter.
I suffer from Health Anxiety and since I just saw this forum and have been reading a lot and liking it I would like to write my thoughts away and really explain what I am going through because I can not talk about it with anyone, nobody knows how I feel. Maybe somebody has felt the same way, other moms or dads. Since English is not my 1st language I could make some errors...probably a lot along the way ;)
I think I have always suffered from HA. I remember as being a kid I got pain in my legs and for some reasons I started thinking about bone cancer...it later turned out that I was standing in a bad position and needed extra thick layers in my shoes. I was also diagnosed with anxiety as a 10 year old without any treatment, I had symptoms like I had a heavy book on my chest all the time...doctor said I was anxious...but nobody thought more about why, my mom told me to stop that non-sense, I had nothing to be worried about.
When I was between maybe 15 and 20 my friends thought I was a lot of fun and special because I could entertain them with my newest diseases. I always had something and specialized in cancer. I was at the doctorīs place with bone cancer, Hodgins disease, hidden heart failure etc....needless to say I self-diagnose myself all the time and google has been my best friend and worst enemy at the same time.
At this point of my life I really felt good between the periods I was fighting cancer ;)...so it popped up maybe twice a year but a part from that I was enjoying life.
The years after 20 and until maybe 23 I was depressed. I was in a relationship I couldnīt get out of even if I was unhappy, I was studying something I didnīt like but didnīt have the guts to change, I simply hated how I was as a person, that I could not be determant and take control over my own destiny. At that time I had MS disease and went to the doctor who told me that I was anxious and would end up ship wrecked if I didnīt do anything about it no later than now.
At 24 my relationship ended with my earlier bf leaving me. I was pregnant at that time. I had the baby and really took control over my life, changed education, lost a lot of weight, moved to another place and felt I was on top of things.
The only thing that followed me all the way was my HA and after I became a mom it really started to kick in.
The first disease was skin cancer. My baby was 5 months at that time and I had been going maybe 5x to a solarium because I was fat, ugly and pail at the time (thatīs the way I saw it at least). I then discovered a birth mark that was strange and to the doctor I went and he took it off and a week later I got results that it was nothing bad in it.
During the week I was waiting I was scared to hell but the worst thought was though that I was sure I had skin cancer because I deserved it! I had been irresponsible, going to solarium even if I had a baby at home and now it would come back to me and I would ofcourse be punished by dying from the child.
Now for almost a year I have been afraid I have breast cancer. And itīs killing me.
I am young and never really examined my breasts before and have been breast feeding plus loosing 20 kilos so I can hardly compare them to how they were before.
It all started last fall where I had a bit of pain in my left breast. I could poke inside it and then it was like the pain travelled with a nerve to my back. I ofcourse started google-ing and saw that this was not really breast cancer symptom since there were no knots.
However I could not stop thinking about it and found lumps around that place which were movable and soft, got to the doctor who said it was not cancer.
After that I was not satisfied and all kind of other symptoms starting showing up in I think this order.
breast turned bigger
strange things on the nipple
other lumps in other places of the breast
strange stretchmarks on the breasts
different colour of the breasts
visible vains on the breast
needless to say I think Iīm the only one who can really see the symptoms and I just found them after I googled them...still I feel like I cannot be sure if they are there, not there, I tend to focus on one symptom at a time and when I finally assure myself that is not cancer symptom I just start focusing on my next symptom.
The newest symptom is a new lump which I find harder than others and in the place I originally felt something. Will see how it will turn out after next period that is coming up but ofcourse Iīm scared to hell and have been massaging it like crazy the last 3 days.
The feeling I have breast cancer has taken over my complete life...and if it wasnīt this it would just be something else. On my way through this breast cancer Iīve head some interesting side-cancers like lung cancer, liver cancer and throat cancer.
I spend amazingly much time touching my breast, feeling lumps, feeling new lumps or being happy because the lumps are not there. It is the first thing I think about when waking up and last thing before going to bed....and I donīt wanna go to the doctor because I think I will not make some kind of investigations and waiting time...I feel like I am on the edge of completely breaking down mentally. Just by writing this tears start running and I really realize what kind of hell my life is. I donīt remember when I laughed last time or just sat down and talked to people or watched a movie or didnīt fake a smile when my fiancé hugs me....BC is always on my mind.
I have the feeling again I deserve to get it and the devil on my shoulder puts it like.
"Ofcourse you deserve BC. You have been eating red meat through your life...and you smoke 2 cigarettes a day sometimes. No, you have never been a big drinker but you have not been good with the fruits havenīt you?....now you have a breast cancer and who will then take care of the 3 year old. Will she remember you? Are you worth being remembered?"
Ofcourse my breast is crazy sore due to all this poking and rubbing but I even see that as a symptom...pain can sometimes mean breast cancer.
I donīt have any joy of life. I can not enjoy my fiance or my daughter...can not make plans for next years or talk about future because I am so sure I will be dead by then.
I think a lot about who will raise my daughter WHEN (not if) Iīm dead from whatever cancer and I have this strong feeling I will not make it to 40.
Sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling of dying, donīt know how to describe it but it can come over me in the kitchen that I feel Iīm about to die and could drop dead on the floow in 2 minutes.
I can not enjoy sex with my fiancé any longer...can not think about other things than cancer.
In few words...this is killing me and I know I should see a psykologist or a doctor or both but I can not make myself do it.
Mabye writing this essay will be the first step of getting any help...maybe I should talk to my fiancé...but I donīt want him to be worried and I donīt think he can understand...nobody can understand this and it is painful.
Just can not picture my life the next 50 years fighting this HA hell....maybe I should thank god that according to the same HA I guess I will max make it 2-3 years more...depends on how much the cancer has spread ;)
Thanks for reading!
Iīm a 27 year old girl, happily engaged and have a 3 year old daughter.
I suffer from Health Anxiety and since I just saw this forum and have been reading a lot and liking it I would like to write my thoughts away and really explain what I am going through because I can not talk about it with anyone, nobody knows how I feel. Maybe somebody has felt the same way, other moms or dads. Since English is not my 1st language I could make some errors...probably a lot along the way ;)
I think I have always suffered from HA. I remember as being a kid I got pain in my legs and for some reasons I started thinking about bone cancer...it later turned out that I was standing in a bad position and needed extra thick layers in my shoes. I was also diagnosed with anxiety as a 10 year old without any treatment, I had symptoms like I had a heavy book on my chest all the time...doctor said I was anxious...but nobody thought more about why, my mom told me to stop that non-sense, I had nothing to be worried about.
When I was between maybe 15 and 20 my friends thought I was a lot of fun and special because I could entertain them with my newest diseases. I always had something and specialized in cancer. I was at the doctorīs place with bone cancer, Hodgins disease, hidden heart failure etc....needless to say I self-diagnose myself all the time and google has been my best friend and worst enemy at the same time.
At this point of my life I really felt good between the periods I was fighting cancer ;)...so it popped up maybe twice a year but a part from that I was enjoying life.
The years after 20 and until maybe 23 I was depressed. I was in a relationship I couldnīt get out of even if I was unhappy, I was studying something I didnīt like but didnīt have the guts to change, I simply hated how I was as a person, that I could not be determant and take control over my own destiny. At that time I had MS disease and went to the doctor who told me that I was anxious and would end up ship wrecked if I didnīt do anything about it no later than now.
At 24 my relationship ended with my earlier bf leaving me. I was pregnant at that time. I had the baby and really took control over my life, changed education, lost a lot of weight, moved to another place and felt I was on top of things.
The only thing that followed me all the way was my HA and after I became a mom it really started to kick in.
The first disease was skin cancer. My baby was 5 months at that time and I had been going maybe 5x to a solarium because I was fat, ugly and pail at the time (thatīs the way I saw it at least). I then discovered a birth mark that was strange and to the doctor I went and he took it off and a week later I got results that it was nothing bad in it.
During the week I was waiting I was scared to hell but the worst thought was though that I was sure I had skin cancer because I deserved it! I had been irresponsible, going to solarium even if I had a baby at home and now it would come back to me and I would ofcourse be punished by dying from the child.
Now for almost a year I have been afraid I have breast cancer. And itīs killing me.
I am young and never really examined my breasts before and have been breast feeding plus loosing 20 kilos so I can hardly compare them to how they were before.
It all started last fall where I had a bit of pain in my left breast. I could poke inside it and then it was like the pain travelled with a nerve to my back. I ofcourse started google-ing and saw that this was not really breast cancer symptom since there were no knots.
However I could not stop thinking about it and found lumps around that place which were movable and soft, got to the doctor who said it was not cancer.
After that I was not satisfied and all kind of other symptoms starting showing up in I think this order.
breast turned bigger
strange things on the nipple
other lumps in other places of the breast
strange stretchmarks on the breasts
different colour of the breasts
visible vains on the breast
needless to say I think Iīm the only one who can really see the symptoms and I just found them after I googled them...still I feel like I cannot be sure if they are there, not there, I tend to focus on one symptom at a time and when I finally assure myself that is not cancer symptom I just start focusing on my next symptom.
The newest symptom is a new lump which I find harder than others and in the place I originally felt something. Will see how it will turn out after next period that is coming up but ofcourse Iīm scared to hell and have been massaging it like crazy the last 3 days.
The feeling I have breast cancer has taken over my complete life...and if it wasnīt this it would just be something else. On my way through this breast cancer Iīve head some interesting side-cancers like lung cancer, liver cancer and throat cancer.
I spend amazingly much time touching my breast, feeling lumps, feeling new lumps or being happy because the lumps are not there. It is the first thing I think about when waking up and last thing before going to bed....and I donīt wanna go to the doctor because I think I will not make some kind of investigations and waiting time...I feel like I am on the edge of completely breaking down mentally. Just by writing this tears start running and I really realize what kind of hell my life is. I donīt remember when I laughed last time or just sat down and talked to people or watched a movie or didnīt fake a smile when my fiancé hugs me....BC is always on my mind.
I have the feeling again I deserve to get it and the devil on my shoulder puts it like.
"Ofcourse you deserve BC. You have been eating red meat through your life...and you smoke 2 cigarettes a day sometimes. No, you have never been a big drinker but you have not been good with the fruits havenīt you?....now you have a breast cancer and who will then take care of the 3 year old. Will she remember you? Are you worth being remembered?"
Ofcourse my breast is crazy sore due to all this poking and rubbing but I even see that as a symptom...pain can sometimes mean breast cancer.
I donīt have any joy of life. I can not enjoy my fiance or my daughter...can not make plans for next years or talk about future because I am so sure I will be dead by then.
I think a lot about who will raise my daughter WHEN (not if) Iīm dead from whatever cancer and I have this strong feeling I will not make it to 40.
Sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling of dying, donīt know how to describe it but it can come over me in the kitchen that I feel Iīm about to die and could drop dead on the floow in 2 minutes.
I can not enjoy sex with my fiancé any longer...can not think about other things than cancer.
In few words...this is killing me and I know I should see a psykologist or a doctor or both but I can not make myself do it.
Mabye writing this essay will be the first step of getting any help...maybe I should talk to my fiancé...but I donīt want him to be worried and I donīt think he can understand...nobody can understand this and it is painful.
Just can not picture my life the next 50 years fighting this HA hell....maybe I should thank god that according to the same HA I guess I will max make it 2-3 years more...depends on how much the cancer has spread ;)
Thanks for reading!