Why do i do this to myself?

[Ollie12]

Hello all and may i say how amazing the people on this site seem to be, so much help and advice. It really is refreshing to be able to talk to and read about people in similar circumstances to myself and not feel as though i'm some sort of outcast. Mental health is a subject that is still very much swept under the carpet by the majority of people even in this day and age which is a great shame seeing as it affects such a large percentage of people over a lifetime. My thanks go to everyone in advance for your willingness to listen and help a soul in need.

My story starts 6 years ago, i'm now 26. I was always keen to be in with the cool crowd at school and this lead me down a path where i made a lot of wrong decisions in order to be popular. To cut a long story short i left school with a very bad cannabis addiction and the early onset of a drinking problem which only got worse the older i became. One thing led to another and before long i was experimenting with harder drugs and because of my all or nothing view to life this was taken to the extreme whilst i was at university (which i might add i didn't last long at!). It was one day when i decided enough was enough that the anxiety problems started to kick in. I had never had an anxiety or panic attack before so was very distressed when i started having feelings of going mad and losing the plot. This was followed by what i now know were intense depersonalisation and derealisation feelings and thoughts which have stuck with me in phases for the past 6 years or so. At the time i thought life was over and that things would never get better again contrary to what everyone else was telling me! However, bit by bit life did get back on track and quicker than i realise now looking back on it. A good job with great colleagues, a great understanding and loving girlfriend and fantastic family have all helped me to recover and make it through the hard times which still crop up every now and again.

I've come back to this site for some advice and help really as unfortunately my old demons have started to re-surface. I try my very best to stay away from alcohol and drugs these days as they really cause my anxiety to go hay wire and i have been somewhat successful over the last couple of years into limiting my alcohol consumption to nearly nothing and completely staying away from drugs. I do have the occasional blip and they are not very nice at all but i always seem to recover after a period of looking after myself and exercising a lot. Now, last weekend was my birthday and i deciced to go fishing with a few friends. I was chilling out when one of my friends offered me a beer which from some stupid reason i agreed to. One led to another and before i know it the fishing has gone out of the window and i'm on a binge. This ended at about 2 o'clock when someone started passing a joint around which i duely helped smoke not in the slightest thinking about the consequences as i was drunk and don't care about anything when in this state. I then went to sleep in a drunken/stoned stupour and woke up in the morning with extremely bad anxiety, what a surprise!

I decided that this would go away if i just tried as much as possible to ignore it and get some good sleep and carry on taking Cipralex as normal (20mg daily). However after four days things have got worse and i'm now convincing myself that i have done some severe damage and that i'm going to get Schizophrenia from smoking that joint! Why i did this to myself i really do not know but the worse thing is a cannot discuss this with the people closest to me as they have given me so many chances i feel this would be the straw that broke the camels back so to speak and i cannot risk losing my girlfriend who is my rock. I really do feel as though i'm losing my mind and all the same horrible side affects are coming back - panic, loss of rational thinking, fatigue, scared to go to work (i am at work though which is a good thing i suppose). It's just things seem to be getting worse than better which is really worrying me.

I must apologise for rambling but i thought in order for you to offer some help or advice you needed to know a bit about me! One day i'll learn to stay clear of the things that affect me but right now i'm really quite scared.

Regards
Ollie

[Ollie12]

Thanks for your kind words Tetley. Right now i've lost control of the thoughts and my mind is playing games with me which is the scariest bit. I'm clinging on to the hope that things will start to get better like they normally do.

[Ollie12]

Hi Again all, I have been reading some positive reports on how hypnosis can help to rid you of unwanted and destructive thoughts. Does anyone have any experience of this alternative therapy?

I'm still really low and feel very alone due to the fact i don't and can't share this with the people closest to me. I could really do with some advice from you guys.

[lauraw]

Hi Ollie,
I just wanted to say how brAVE i think you are for coming on here and admitting what you ve been going through over the last couple of years. Ive never had an addiction problem but do suffer from anxiety so can completely sympathise with you in that respect.
What you have to remember is that you have done the hard part by admitting that your not coping and again struggling with the demon that is anxiety. You also have to remember that from what I read in your initial post you have been rock bottom before and survived, you have support from people who love you and you sound like your life is quite stable (your still at work which is a great achievement). Look at the positives and try to out weigh the negatives, ok so you ve had a set back but your still here to tell your story.
Its easy to sit and here and say do this do that but i don't know the ins and outs of your life but you said your girlfriend was your rock so perhaps you should think about trying to speak to her and share some of your fears. Remember anxiety is fear of fear itself so try and combat that fear by dealing with it face on.

keep well x

[Ollie12]

Laura, thanks ever so much for your kind words. It really means a lot when someone takes the time to offer some advice. I think i know deep down things will be ok but anxiety has a great way of smothering those true feelings. I'm determined to keep pushing myself forwards and have been in contact with my local mental health facillitator who is going to guide me.

Again, thanks for your advice, it means a lot.

[freedom09]

Its great that you have come here and told your story.

The best part of this is admitting that you have a problem and that you need help.

I dont want to sound like a mum but I think the start of this would be to try and not fall under influences of other people. Easier said than done, but if people are drinking around you, then you too would be tempted and then this would lead on to the drugs. Have your own mind and maybe start doing other activites that doesnt include drinking etc. If you do have a drink, limit yourself before hand and try and stick to it. I know its hard when you have a group of mates than egg each other on, but you need to think...WHO IS MORE IMPORTANT..ME AND MY FUTURE OR MY MATES?

The only cure for health anxiety is you. Pills may help to cover the problem but it wont go away unless you do something about it.

I always find that throwing myself into activities helps me to concentrate my mind on other things. I spend my day in work, then I come home, I suggest to my husband to go for a walk or I go shopping with some friends.
Do something that you enjoy, like enrol on a night class or reading some good books, going to the cinema with your girlfriend.

Stop looking at the past and look towards the future. What do you want to do in 10 years time...why not start aiming for that instead of thinking that the negative time in your life is going to come back and haunt you.

[Ollie12]

Thanks Freedom. You're right in that i need to focus on staying away from alcohol as a lot of my problems seem to stem from this. I have spoken to my counsellor and we are going to look into this in more depth as i have always felt i could cope with drinking now and again but obviously not. I don't ever have the urge to drink really but when i do it always lands me in some sort of trouble and causes my anxiety to go through the roof.

Right now i've convinced my self that i'm losing my mind and that that some things i see are not there and that i'm seeing things which i know i'm not but the overriding feelings and thoughts are so strong i don't know what to think. Do you understand what i mean? I'm really freaking out today, it's horrible. This all goes back to smoking cannabis on the weekend when i was drunk and there's all sorts of things going through my head about what i may have done to myself. I'm trying to tell myself it's just anxiety and it will go away like it has in the past but things seem very odd to me as if i'm dreaming/in a dream, like some sort of parallel universe. It sounds completely mad i know!