Just don't know how to improve??

[challangerchris]

Hey all,

I'm going to try cut this long story so avoid boring you all....

I'm a 29yr old male, feeling really empty and confussed all the time...just don't know what to do next..to try help myself.

Recently been to the crisis team referred by my doctor after I told him I was not happy with my life.....crisis team kept a close eye on me till I got a crisis physciatrist appointment.

It helped loads at the time, looking back I think I was quite close to trying to end my own life (but maybe I was just after attention - not sure really)

I told the physciatrist EVERYTHING, I didn't want to hold back any info on the off-chance she would be able to give me as much help as possible with a positive outcome.. I did lots of research on the net previous to my 1st meeting with the physciatrist and found myself having lots in common with people suffering from Social Anxiety.

My physiciatrist told me I was very normal, which I was pretty much stunned by - I wasn't expecting to hear that. I kept mentioning 'Social Anxiety' and i'm not sure if she diagnosed me with SA because I kept talking about SA.

Physciatrist told me she would put my name down for CBT but said I could be waiting a while (its been 3 months now and still not started CBT). I'm on Citalopram 20mg on repeat prescription for the next 6 months, and I do feel like they have lifted some weight off my shoulders.

I've never been very chatty, always been quite shy and always found it hard to speak up. All my school reports came back saying I was very quiet even though I knew answers I would never put my hand up in class. I did have freinds at school, and when I think about it I was a 'leader', my freinds would follow me and want to do whatever I was doing....

Then at high school I became more aware of my shyness and I think its got worse thereafter. I slowly had less and less friends and those friends I did have were only friends at school, I was becoming pretty much a loner out of school.

I did a year at sixth form and in that time met a really happy, fun chap who was ten years older than me.....but we got on and he just seemed to accept my shyness and made me feel good.....I was aware he took lots of cannabis and I managed to refuse taking any for a year. I tried it once and kinda got hooked, then smoked it for the next 12 years, getting really smashed on the stuff mostly at his house.

I've now done 5 months without any after realising it was making me go mad, complete paranoia, bad moods when I had none, lazy, just the lifestyle of sitting on my ass doing nothing getting smashed....I was going nowhere.

This mate died in November suddenly in a motorbike accident, and two years previously to that me and my partner split up and took my two daughters with her, I still get to see them every weekend but its just not the same, I miss out on so much with them - just feel like a big part of me is missing without them.

So I guess alot has happened to me, gone thorugh alot of change etc - but i'm just not making any progress with my pathetic so called life.

I went to the pub last night for the first time in about 3 years or so, met up with a lad in Leeds who I knew through my other mate who died on the motorbike, I told him about my SA and he seemed to understand. We both went to the pub to watch football, the pub was busy and lots of his other mates were already in there half baked on beer. I felt so out of place, just glad football was on as a distraction otherwise I don't think I would of stayed more than 10mins. Everyone was 'chit chatting' about football, makeing each other laugh etc etc.....apart from me just sat there not having a clue how/what to say.....

I did speak a little bit to the lad who I went to pub with, we talked about funny times we had with the guy who died, but it was all serious chat.....not small talk like other people seem to be able to do off the cuff.

Felt really bad when I got home that once again I've failed at making any kind of impression and that i'm basically the most boring fella to ever walk this land.

Went to work as normal today, I picked myself up slightly and kept busy to stop myself from going over and over my bad thoughts. Went to a cycle shop after work to get my daughter some new brakes for her bike, had a good chat with the shop assistant who I don't know....didnt feel anxious at all....I always seem to feel more comfy round strangers than with people I know.

Is it just that i'm scared of 'socialising' - I feel very threatened by the typical 'sex mad, big ego, hard men' of this world......maybe cos everyone I come across are loud, funny, arogant, confident etc.

What the hell do I do? I know I'm me, but theres no way I can continue like this.....I'm desperate to be loved again but who the hell wants someone like me who can't stand pubs/drinking....?

If anyone has any comments about this I'd love to hear!!

Thanks,

[PoppyC]

Hi Chris
Firstly I am sorry to hear about your friend passing away. That is tragic. You sound like you have been through a tough time.
Your post was not boring at all and was very interesting.
Dont put yourself down - you dont come across as being boring. You will find a lot of women prefer men who are quieter and not as you put it the typical 'sex mad, big ego, hard men' - I dont know any woman who would want a man like that!
You say you cannot imagine anyone wanting a man who cant stand drinking/pubs....I would say lots of women would love a man like that! Whats so great about a loud, arrogant, over confident, drunken man! They are usually borish.
Just accept yourself for what you are, stop beating yourself up about how your personality is - list all your good qualities and keep reminding yourself of your good points. Every time you think a negative thought about yourself, replace it with a positive one. Keep doing this - it does help a lot. I used to be a really outgoing bubbly type until I started getting anxiety, social anxiety, and agoraphobia and now although I am recovering well, and my CBT and Citalopram are helping, I am a lot quieter. I feel different to a lot of people that I know and meet and I am sure that is because I have been through something that they have not. It used to bother me and sometimes I do question how I am and how I think I should be, but now I am starting to accept myself as I am.
I hate loud noisy places and crowds of people and I find myself preferring quieter places and people. I dont give myself a hard time over it. Its who I am.
Just be yourself and when you do eventually meet a lady who likes you, she will be falling for the real you. Some of the most interesting and nicest men I have ever met have been the quieter ones. Some of the worst men I have met were the loud arrogant always in the pub types.
You are doing well if you have social anxiety and find chatting with strangers no problem. I found that to be the worst thing to do.
You sound like a good dad - would your ex let you see your children for longer periods of time, for example on school holidays? Could you take them on holiday for a few days?
I am sure you will get a lot of help off the others on the site.
I hope things improve for you and that the CBT works well for you. :hugs:

[tara1987]

hiya chris. sorry to hear how thing have been for you! sounds abit like my life story, so know how your feeling! like poppyc said! some of the worse men are the loud ones, who think they are so important, with their HUGE egos! but some of the nicest ones are the quiet ones, that you can have a proper conversation with, with out them shouting all the time, because their self-importance makes them want to be heard by everyone in the whole pub!
theres nothing wrong with being the different "quieter" one to the rest, it just makes you more special! and better then the loud louts!
why not, next time you go to the pub (if you choose to) only go with one or two peole who you know arent as loud as some others. then you can perhaps join in a quieter conversation? were all here for you chris, you know that!.., ok were not the mates you can go down to the pub with..., but were the friends that have simlar problems and except you for you! x

[challangerchris]

Thank you so much for the kind words. Its perked me up no end! I'm at work now just reading the comments so shall wait till i'm at home to do a fuller reply.

Thanks :)

[suzy-sue]

You sound like a very nice young man Chris. Its never easy being in the company of people who are drinking when you arent.A lot of them are completely different when sober and drink makes them appear to be more outgoing and full of confidence.You didnt know the people you were with and your bound to feel a bit shy .I was in the armed forces and in every group of lads I came across there were always the quieter ones among them, they were always the nicer ones to get to know & always made better boyfriend material. You are who you are ,so stop comparing yourself to others, it takes all sorts to make the world go round . Have you thought about joining a new club or something where you could meet people who have the same interests,.?have a look in the local paper and see whats available to you. Even taking the children to a park or something on a w/e you could well meet other w/e dads who you would find common things to talk about.Just by giving someone a smile can make people talk to you.and its good you feel confident to talk to strangers.Not everyone who appears confident is,youd be suprised..Start believing in your self you have a lot to offer. All the best Sue:hugs:

[Carefree]

Chris, are you happy with yourself? Aside from the shyness, and the issues that brings..

[challangerchris]

Thanks for the kind words suzy-sue.


Chris, are you happy with yourself? Aside from the shyness, and the issues that brings..

Hi, yean I am starting to be happy with myself I think. Maybe I was hanging round the wrong kind of people (people who are the opposite to me) and giving me some sort of personality complex???

i've been beating myself up that I don't do the 'normal' ladish things (shagging around, drinking till my ears bleed, looking for trouble etc etc). I'm just not like that and when I think about it that makes me a better person. Just not sure where/how to make new freinds, and things like birthdays/parties still gets me anxious.

I've been quite loud at work today (for me anyway), I know tomorrow might be completely different, but I'm definately feeling more confident lately - i'm putting that down to not smoking cannabis now and taking citalopram. I'm making small steps in the right direction and that will do for me right now.

I still need to improve my conversational skills, but as time goes on I think my blank head syndrome is begining to improve. I still find groups of people impossible to cope with - but its still early days with me.

I need to make another appointment with the GP to get more Citalopram before I run out, I forgot to take one last week and it was awful! These drugs are a lifesaver!!

I did something today I would of never done a month ago, I was stood in Specsavers with my work collegue as she needed her specs fixing, whilst I waited I was trying on glasses and looking at myself in the mirrors.....there was a oldish chap stood near to me and everytime I went to use the mirrors he walked backwards and bumped into me.....on the 3rd time of him doing it I tunred round and said (quite loudly) 'how many times do you need to walk into me'

I was even trying on womens specs for a laugh and making my collegue laugh, it didn't bother me that the shop was quite full of people.

Take care all :bighug1:

[jue67]

Chris
you do sound nice you know, and everyone is right, you sound like you would make someone the ideal other half.

when ive had a drink im the life and soul of the party and everyone says so, i do have a wicked sense of humour, but that seems to have diminished in some way lately though.

my other half is pretty quiet and we dont actually talk that much!! but same as me give him a drink and he thinks hes superman! we dont drink or go out much anymore, i prefer to invite friends round and will go out of my way to do this as otherwise i wouldnt see anyone!!
i think you sound as if your moving in the right direction and certainly arranging to meet a total stranger(me!!) will give you some practice.
hope your okay

jools

[Carefree]

Thanks for the kind words suzy-sue.



Hi, yean I am starting to be happy with myself I think. Maybe I was hanging round the wrong kind of people (people who are the opposite to me) and giving me some sort of personality complex???

i've been beating myself up that I don't do the 'normal' ladish things (shagging around, drinking till my ears bleed, looking for trouble etc etc). I'm just not like that and when I think about it that makes me a better person. Just not sure where/how to make new freinds, and things like birthdays/parties still gets me anxious.



I relate to that. My solution in the end was to be more assertive about what I like and what I want to be doing. The more I take control, the more I lose the fear of people rejecting me and that definitely curbs anxiety.

If someone asks me to go out drinking I tell them straight up that I don't enjoy it, and if I do manage to go for one, I make it clear when I'm there that I have better things to do. I do it in a nice way though - no point being miserable and no point feeling any less of a man because you don't talk about tits all day long. I'm 28, not 16.

Get on top of life, do your own thing and don't let anyone get you down. It's ok to be a bit of an island, people will still respect you :)

[challangerchris]

I relate to that. My solution in the end was to be more assertive about what I like and what I want to be doing. The more I take control, the more I lose the fear of people rejecting me and that definitely curbs anxiety.

If someone asks me to go out drinking I tell them straight up that I don't enjoy it, and if I do manage to go for one, I make it clear when I'm there that I have better things to do. I do it in a nice way though - no point being miserable and no point feeling any less of a man because you don't talk about tits all day long. I'm 28, not 16.

Get on top of life, do your own thing and don't let anyone get you down. It's ok to be a bit of an island, people will still respect you :)

Cheers :)

I'm a tropical island waiting for a castaway....:noangel: