Feel really down now :(

[PoppyC]

Hi
I feel really down and upset. I feel really floored by a comment my partner said today, plus he seems to have ended the relationship judging by the text message I have received.
He said that I am 'all over the place' on my citalopram.
That comment really has knocked me back and now I feel so depressed and just upset. I dont usually suffer with depression! I feel so anxious and like I need to be sick.
I cant go back to living on my own feeling as I am - it would start all my anxiety off again. If I felt 100% better than I could handle it but I dont feel 100% better. I dont see my family and most of them live in the USA and I have pushed mostly everyone away, or rather they went because I was unwell. I feel sick with this. I cant be doing with the upheaval of splitting up and selling the house. I cant cope with it.
I upped my dosage of citalopram and it makes me very sleepy and sometimes I am sure I get my words mixed up or slur a little, but I really feel like I am making progress and dealing with anxiety, social anxiety and agoraphbia. I know I am much better than what I was.
His comment about me 'being all over the place' has really done something to me - I am not sure what - but I feel so down now....
Sorry for whinging about nothing. I just needed to sound off I suppose. I did tell my partner I found his comment unfair and he said its not unfair but the truth. I said it in a calm voice and didnt rise to it. He has now ended the relationship, saying I drive him to the limit. He has gone away for the weekend now.
I almost feel sometimes like I should apologise for how I am to him! I am always covering up how I feel to him so he doesnt see how bad I get sometimes, because he seems so bored and fed up with it all.
Theres nothing like encouragement is there! :mad:

[bobobob]

Hi poppy, I can understand your feelings. Don't apologise for any thing. It seems to me that your partner is not giving you the understanding and support you need. This will not help with your condition, only cause your anxiety to rocket. Do you love him. Maybe better off without him. I don't know. Do you have any friends close by, or like me have you cut yourself off from people. You are putting up with a lot in your life, you are a very strong person, its easy to forget that sometimes. I wish you well. you can pm me if you want to talk to somebody. I suffer from depression and anxiety, yes untill it makes me phisicaly sick. Although we are different I do have some understanding what you are going through. I'm just gonna send you a hug.

[Tori Frances]

Hi Poppy,
Sorry you are going through a hard time - the last thing you need when you are slowly recovering. Does he understand that the tablets have helped you? Could he speak to your dr/psychologist to get a better understanding? I know what you mean about feeling like you are apologising all the time - I do that too, like no matter how much pain am going through I have to protect partner from it. You need someone to look after you whilst he is sorting his head out. Could you get a friend to stay? If not so many people on this forum that are waiting to give you support. PM me as well. Remember that you will feel things a lot deeper at the moment that you might not usually take so much to heart - like this comment. Thats not real its just the remainders of your anxiety. The comment he made sounds like he is taking his stress with the situation out on you, and he'll probably regret it.

[PoppyC]

Hi Tori
Thank you for your kind reply. :) I feel a bit better now, and have calmed myself down and wasn't sick. Whenever I get really upset and anxious I feel sick.
Partner has now gone away for weekend. Good! :yesyes: lol He said if he didnt do the things he does (which is with the army) then he would be 'bored shi*less at weekends' It made me feel terrible. I dont see him 99% of the week. I dont use him as my 'safe person' for my agoraphobia anymore and I really trying to deal with my agoraphobia and its going well I think. However we are always off doing things at a weekend and really varied things from going away and staying in a hotel for the weekend to going out for a meal somewhere nice, travelling, we are always doing something and not just stuck in watching tv.
He has said in the past that I have changed a lot for the better on citalopram but today he has been really harsh. The thing is I have had a good day and even when I dont, I hide it from him somewhat, as I realise he may find it all boring.
He has never experienced anything like anxiety and I can understand that sometimes he may find my anxiety issues and agoraphobia 'boring' to him. He wasnt so great when I had a breakdown last year. I just don't feel strong enough to be on my own again right now even if that sounds really pathetic.
He said he was 'he wasnt going to be at home this weekend and babysit me'! and also 'He wants to be around me when I am happy not miserable'! and that he is fed up hearing my 'ailments'! I dont tell him half of them!!! - The thing is I am not miserable and cover how I am feeling up very well - Inside I can feel terrible but on the surface I put on a smiley happy face. I asked him what he would do if I ever got something really serious like a terminal illness - would he run off? He thinks people with mental health issues should 'just get on with it' and 'pull themselves together' - that type of mentality.
He drives me mad. He is so old fashioned with his views. He calls my problems ' middle aged womens hormonal problems'!!!!!!!!!!! His idea of a perfect woman is a woman who is like a Stepford Wife.
My dad died suddenly at christmas - I feel like I wasnt able to grieve properly as it was boring and annoying my partner - I said today ' I am still upset over my dad passing away' and his reply was ' that was a while ago'! I know it was in December but I am still devastated.
I am going to leave him - when I feel a bit stronger I am off. For now I dont really need any added stress in my life, but I am storing up all the things he says. I am trying to get better, regain some strength again and then I will be gone.
I know I can take things very much to heart but some of his comments were really upsetting. He has gone now until Sunday - and I am glad! :D

[D3NIS3]

i dont mean to sound nasty but your partner needs to give his head a shake and see that he has a really lovely lady who like others has a problem and instead of being mr selfish he needs to learn some respect for you hun as ok i dont know but from what i have just read he should have been counting his lucky stars he had you...keep ya head held high coz u did all that without him and u will carry on too....

sorry rant over just felt so sad for u

[PoppyC]

Thank You Bobo, Tori and D3NIS3, for your kind messages. I appreciate what you have said and also agree with what you have said.
I am so glad that I have this site to turn to - sometimes it really feels like no understands unless they have been through anxiety and other problems themselves. I feel like people just expect me to 'snap out of it' - If only it were that simple!
Thank you all again :hugs:

[melody]

Dear Poppy,

I am sorry your partner is putting you through this. It sounds horrible. I've had lots of people talk to me that way over the years & it always hurts & makes me so angry. I can't imagine how terrible it is hearing that garbage talk from someone who's supposed to love you. It sounds heartbreaking.

When my step dad died when I was 10yrs I was in a depression I was depressed for many years & lost all my friends. Then when my grandparents died I was depressed for a couple of years as well. A lot of that was the denial that I had a problem, & being too proud to seek help at the time. It's completely natural to grieve for a long time when any family member you love dies. It means that you care!

I think it sounds like you are being very strong under the circumstances.

I wish you all the best :)

Melody

[tara1987]

hiya poppy, i know exactly what you are going through. my partner walked out on me and our son last friday! and same as you,"its beacuse of how i am". why is it, that our partners dont understand, that were not acting the way we do, because we "want to" but because we are in way.., poorly.and my fear was being n my own! but for once, i thought to myself.., and it shocked me that i thought this way, but i thought..., "im not going to run after him, im going to concentate on getting myself better!" because i know that 6months down the line if i was to run after him, the same thing will probly happen, and knock me back down. beacuse men love the chase! if he does come back, a huge talk is needed! i no its sooooo hard to deal with, i honestly do. but you have this great network of friends on here, that you know you can always talk to. and for once try and concentate on you. if he comes back, you need to have a huge talk with him, and explain to him, how your feeling. and that he needs to be more supportive! but as for now, think about your self! and you dont need to apologise. none of this is your fault! :bighug1: ive sent you a well needed hug! chin up. and if you every need to talk just p m me! xx

[bluesparkle]

hi
i dont post often but really felt i had too...
god i really feel for you...
my partner left me nearly two years ago now...
and it was out of the blue and a shock as i thought i was getting a grip on my panic/anxiety...
it has been hard and has taken me a while to get over this but i am. yes you are right concentrate on getting better and take help and friendship from this site... because without all these lovely poeple i have no idea where i would be now but i have kept my job and worked on getting family life back together....
i thought i wouldnt be able to deal with this "illness" and be alone but i can and so can you trust me.
i have learnt to like my own space...and ive learnt how to cope when im having a bad day.
sending you lots of :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
rach
x

[finny12000]

Hi poppy
i posted a while back about no one understanding and i meant no one apart from the sufferer and its truth.
I reckon you have reached stage me and partner got to in january and we split up because we were not supporting each other and basically making each other worse.
weve a baby in 4 or 5 weeks coming and now getting on a lot better as friends and soon to be parents ,i personally think family friends partners ect become synthesised to our illnesses after a while and are fed up hearing same old troubles day in day out ,im not saying thats rights at all but its what i experienced and maybe poppy you need to give him a good old fashioned talking to a heart to heart and see what he says to that.
im appalled he thought you would be over dads death so soon i lost my dad over 3 years ago and still cant think to deeply about him.
whatever outcome poppy you will always have support on here xx

[james1234]

hi just read your post and it was like i had wrote it the same has happened to me my parter and mother of my two kids of 12 years came out with much the same i now that it is hard on them but no one understands what it islike for us the last fewweeks has been a living hell but insomes ways it has given me even more will power to try and get some live back and get a hold of this take care

[Metal]

I hope you are okay Poppy. :hugs:
I cannot believe that he thinks you should have got over your Dad's death, what a terrible thing to say!
Do not blame yourself and your illness for any of this. He sounds like he has issues of his own. A partner should be understanding, you deserve better. :hugs:

[Bill]

I've cared for my wife who suffers from severe mental illness for the past 19 years. Without meaning to belittle anxiety being a sufferer myself, to care for someone with your caring personality and your anxiety problems would be a pleasure compared! It's very sad that many people would rather leave a partner when mental health problems arise rather than give them the love and support they need to get better. In my eyes, there is no better person than someone who suffers from anxiety because anxiety means "worry" and a worrier means "worrying about people we love" which means there is no one who cares more than an anxiety sufferer such as you! What more could a partner need?:hugs:

I also lost my father just over 3 years ago and I still miss him Very Much. It's unrealistic to expect anyone who loved someone they've lost to move on in such a short time.:hugs:

[NoPoet]

Oh Popperoonie, it sounds to me like he's just had a mardy outburst. You've told us he expects people to "get on with" things when they are feeling ill if he's having a strop about your anxiety that's because anxiety etc are alien to him and he cannot imagine how distressing it can be. People like him will never understand people like us.

But that doesn't mean both sides have to go to war! He probably just lost his temper and shot his mouth off. He might regret saying it, he might not. From the way you've described it he simply sounds frustrated and I don't think it sounds like the end of the relationship.

He probably doesn't know how to handle the situation. A few days away will do him some good. It gives you a chance to chill and have some free time.

I probably shouldn't say this, but I don't like the sound of him at all!

[PoppyC]

Hi Poet and Bill and the others who have replied :)
Thank you all for your lovely replies. I fully agree with what you say too.
I really don't think people understand do they if they have not suffered with the same issues themselves. I find it really frustrating that people do not treat people with mental health issues the same as they would if they had a physical illness.
Bill you sound like a good man.....and you too Poet! I know not all men are bad...:unsure:lol
I have been out most of the day - and I didnt feel as bad as I did during past 2 days. I keep feeling 'strange' though - I was looking at people walking around and I thought everything seems so materialistic and shallow - its hard to describe. I dont know those people so maybe they are anything but so I should not judge but I started thinking wouldnt it be lovely to live on a remote island somewhere where I could grow my own foods and live simply. Maybe come back to the mainland once a month to do some shopping just in case I get withdrawal symptoms from it and to have my hair done too :winks:
I just get this feeling of that I don't like society at all - it seems so uncaring,greedy and shallow and...its so hard to explain and usually when I feel like this is when I am having a bad time with anxiety - but my anxiety is not so bad at the moment. Yesterday I had derealization and today I feel like I am not part of the world...I just feel like I am not like other people - I feel 'different' and I wish that I had been born in another time in the past....I know it sounds mad but its genuinely what comes into my head. Do I sound odd??? :wacko:Does anyone else ever feel like this?

[Bill]

Word for word your post above could easily have been written by me!

My consciousness resides in a distant world within my drifting dreams as I sleep alone under my cosy covers in the darkness of the night. Where love and beauty surrounds in every glossy petal of a field of red-rose poppies swaying under the warmth of the summers sun that provides life to the new day, as my tired half-opened eyes wake to face the red sunrise at dawn of endless tedious chores that fill my pitiful existence on a planet where I am a forgotten alien from a time long since past. An old-fashioned romantic surviving in a meaningless modern world of nothingness.:hugs:

[Liverbird67]

Poppy going through hell with my partner at the moment hun my heart goes out to you, hope things turn a corner for you soon babe, psycho the voice of reason in the darkness as always and bill you are a true poet mate.

Lots of Love

Debbie
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[NoPoet]

There needs to be a serious overhaul of the way mental health is regarded and treated. So many people suffer from depression, anxiety etc at some point in their lives, that it beggars belief we aren't spending billions more on research.

I think the main reason is that most people who suffer from depression or anxiety naturally learn to cope with it and in many cases recover from it altogether. I read that large numbers of depressed people spontaneously recover within 8 months. I myself have suffered bouts of depression in the past that I have dealt with and recovered from without the aid of medicine.

The problem with expecting people to spontaneously recover is the amount of suffering some people go through before their recovery. I know for a fact my experiences this year are gonna leave a shadow on my soul; but I also believe the soul can heal.

[tara1987]

ihiya poppy, i know exactley what you mean! ive felt like that enough times! and i thought it was just me! youve made me feel a little better now, knowing im not the only one to feel that way! thanks. i hope you are feeling much beeter now! all my love xx