Feeling extremely low today. Sick of myself!

[rocklover]

I don't know what's going on with me today, but I woke up feeling really down and depressed. My Citalopram dose was upped on Tuesday and I have not felt well because of it, so that might be a contributing factor.

I had to give up a temp job this week, that I had only worked in for 3 days because I couldn't cope and that has really knocked my confidence as well. Also my relationship ended a month ago and for some reason I have started torturing myself over it again, that maybe it was because I was so rubbish with my anxiety. After saying he really wanted to be friends and cared about me, he then cut me off with no explanation and I am blaming myself for it all.

I am 34 and have to live with my parents as I am broke after my divorce, not able to work at the moment, don't have a huge amount of friends and I find going out socially difficult because of my anxiety issues of feeling sick alot. I have a 4 year old daughter and think that I am not a good enough mother to her because of my condition.

A friend asked me to list some good things about myself the other day and I found it really hard, I realised that I don't have any self worth at all. I don't believe I deserve to be loved, or even liked because of my problems, because I am not a normal person and cannot cope with normal life. I feel a I'm a weak person and feel dreadfully guilty that my parents are having to support me, that I am a worry to them because I am unwell. I know they love me, but they deserve a better daughter. My sister has depression and anxiety too, but she works and is married and isn't terribly supportive at the moment.

Sorry for the long rant, but I just want to feel like I am a good person who is allowed to be happy. I need to find my way again.

[lesleya]

Aw sarah hun i really feel for you.
Your a lovely young woman and 'yes' you do deserve to be happy.
Maybe you pushed yourself into going back to work a little too early after a long time away and it was a little too much for you to deal with, but you give it a go though and that was really brave.
I know that i dont know you very well as ive not met you but from talking to you id say some of your good points....
Your a brilliant mum
Loving daughter
Caring
Sympathetic to others
Good sense of humour
Your a trier...youve proved that over and over...and im sure that if you asked your friend to make a list of your good point that they would have a list a lot longer than this one.
Dont be too hard on yourself, be kind to yourself.
Hope your feeling better now.
Take care
xx

[rocklover]

Thanks Tet and Lesley, you guys are so lovely xx. I feel a little better today, but I know that I really have to start believing in myself otherwise I will never get rid of this anxiety.

I think my relationship breakdown has affected me more than I realised, not because I miss him, but because of the way in which he rejected me, it has really upset me and made me question if I am a nice person or not. Yet, rationally, I know I did nothing to deserve the way I was treated, but for some reason I always judge myself by the way I perceive other people to feel about me. This is very bad for me.

I am going to try really hard to say something positive about myself every day until it sticks in my brain somehow. This site is fantastic and I have to be grateful a little to my anxiety for helping me to find all the wonderful people on here.

Thanks again.

[suew]

Hi
i sympathise with you so much. I also struggle big time with feeling 'I don't deserve to be happy' feelings. Stupid thing is that when I don't have depression I don't feel that way at all. This is a horrible illness and puts everything out of perspective. I have just started back up on anti-depressants and hoping very much that this will start to work quickly so I can give more back to people than I am right now.

[Jaco45er]

Sarah lass xx

Hope things get better soon

[PoppyC]

Hi Sarah! :)
I am really sorry you feel as you do. I hope things improve for you,
You sound like a lovely person, mum and a daughter, and you do deserve to be loved and liked, despite having the problems you have! You said you dont feel like a 'normal' person and that you are weak. You are 'normal' - anxiety doesn't make us abnormal and you are not weak - you sound like you have been through a lot, and have just had your ex end the relationship, and you are trying to overcome anxiety and get back out to work again, - you have not given up and are attempting to get back on your feet - that shows you are a strong person and not weak!
I have felt worse since upping my citalopram plus my relationship is about over (he gets fed up with how I am) and I think with everything combined it has made me feel really down and more anxious than usual.
Forget about your ex - you will eventually meet a man who deserves you and loves you despite your anxiety. If a boyfriend runs off because he cant handle how we are then he is not worth it anyway. Our partners if they truly cared for us would stay with us and support us and be there for us despite what we are going through. Imagine if we got a serious terminal illness? would they run off then too?
At least you gave it a try returning to work...it didn't work out this time because you were not ready to go back but it wont always be like this and when you are ready, then next time it may work out fine for you. Just concentrate on getting yourself better for now.:hugs:

[rocklover]

Thanks sooo much everyone for your replies, it makes things seem not so desperate when you know there are people who understand what you are going through.

Sorry to hear about your relationship Poppy, I read your post and he sounds like an idiot, you're such a lovely person who has tried very hard to make things better for him, when he should have been making things better for you. Hope you feel better soon.

And thanks Steve, hope you're feeling ok at the moment x.

Thanks again all.

Sarah

[chocolatesundae]

I am sorry that you are feeling so bad, hun. What I will say is that you sound like a great person and that I can tell you are a good mum because you are still caring for your daughter and all children really need is lots of love and cuddles and to know they are loved. It doesn't matter if they don't go out all the time, some of the best times I have had with my kids have been simple things like making a collage, making a mess with paints etc etc, it also helps you to take your mind of things. I am going through a divorce too, he had an affair, so I know how hard it can be when you already feel low/anxious.

And flipping well done for trying with your job, I couldn't even contemplate that at the moment! You done good.

Ali x

p.s. Just a thought - it may be that your sister doesn't like to talk about it and finds it difficult to support you because talking about it reminds her of how she feels when she is anxious?

[Oceanblue]

Hi Sarah,

I'm in a similar situation, only I still have my partner.

I also feel unworthy, just no good for nothing.

I've had to leave my job once again, this happens to me over and over, and I too am sick of myself.

As you're on your own Sarah, I was wondering if you've tried out Gingerbread organisation for single parents?

When I was a single parent with my son, I joined Gingerbread. There are many people there who are in a very similar situation as yourself and they usually hold groups in every town. You can either meet up every so often, or write to people until you feel you have gained confidence to go to their meetings and join them. The majority suffer from depression/anxiety alike, so you will be able to relate.

I think they're very good. I wish I could join again, only I can't because I have a partner, although I feel like i'm a single mum the majority of the time, I don't see him often due to his work.

Maybe you could give this a try. It could help you.

Take care and hope you feel better soon xx

[PoppyC]

Hi Sarah :)
How are you? I hope you wake feeling a little better today.
I know that not having a job is enough to make anyone anxious and depressed and isolated to an extent however it we dont feel up to working due to anxiety and depression which is already there then it becomes a vicious circle.
I work from home for now - could you do something like that?
What about doing some voluntary work or a college course?
I am aiming to get back out of the house to work because I feel I would be better working around people and yet the other part of me gets really anxious and fearful about that. I feel like I wouldnt be able to cope and would run out on my job panicking and hyperventilating and being sick and that would just be the first day! :wacko: The only way I am going to have to deal with it is by getting rid of a lot of my anxiety before I go back out there to work instead of working from home. I am going to try some voluntary work and a college course to help ease me back into work - so I get used to being around other people. I feel the longer I am not out there amongst other people the harder it is going to become in the future.
What was it about the job that you found difficult? Was it the demands of the job whilst you felt as you do, or being around other people or ?
I hope you have a better day. :hugs:

[rocklover]

I don't know what it was about the job Poppy, probably just the fact that I was out of my comfort zone and felt trapped which obviously brought on the anxiety and panic. I actually did well until the 3rd day when I had a massive panic attack an hour before I left.

Anyway, I can't think of work til these damn side effects from the Ciatlopram fade a little, feel so awful in the mornings that going out then is hard. Also it seems to be affecting the way i am thinking about my ex, we only broke up 5 weeks ago, but I was actually feeling better about it all. But since i have upped my Citalopram, I am feeling anxious about it again and the way he treated me, I am beginning to hate him and it just makes everything so difficult, when all I want to do is feel better and get on with my life.

I sound so sorry for myself lol, and I don't want to feel like this anymore.

I hope you a feeling better Poppy x.