View Full Version : Just feeling so low :( want to disappear
God I feel so low:emot-crying: . I managed to get out with my family yesterday, for a couple of hours because my daughter really wanted me to go and see Coraline at the cinema with them. Luckily bf hasn't had to work this weekend, so it's been good to spend some quality time with him too.
I feel so ill, both physcially and mentally and am scared I may have to back into hospital. The only reason why i'm here is because of my children and dad. If it wasn't for them, i'd have to get out of here, because I just can't bare it.
Afews back, when I was very sick, I was planning to go, I was more sick then I'm sure, only the same plans of where to go and what to do are still running through my head. My thoughts are wanting to drive the cliffs down south and jump.
If I was to go though, it would break my childrens hearts, I couldn't do that to them and so I have no other choice but to stay, fight, hope and pray that I do get better.
I feel so depressed, the thoughts of wanting to harm myself are becoming unbareable. I stay in bed to try and escape my thoughts and mind, the majority of the time, otherwise i'm here on Site.
I just can't seem to bear this anymore, i'm just no good for anybody or anything. My children and partner deserve so much better.
Do you think the doctors will be able to help me ? Help me to stop feeling this way ? Will I ever get better, or stay this way forever ?
katie, how old are your children?
Tell me about them.
My daughter's 6yrs old and my son is 10yrs.
They of course pick up on this and my son hasn't been so well himself, although lately he seems to have been alittle better.
My daughter loves singing and dancing, she does Street Dance, she also goes to Karate and loves to draw. My son loves music and art, he plays Piano and also goes to Karate. Together as a family when things are well with me, we all like to out biking.
My bf mentioned going out on our bikes tomorrow as it's supposed to be a nice day, we'd go to a course either in Kent or Bedfordshire. He said he wanted to take a picnic and spend some quality time as a family, which of course will be really nice to do. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow, I just don't know. But I do really want to try my very best for them all. They all deserve somebody so much better than myself. I'm just constantly letting them down and it just isn't fair.
I do love them all so much, but I can't help thinking that my children derserve a better and well mum, and my bf to be with somebody that is not sick.
dont start all this talk about hurting your self your get better , in fact you are getting better god bless you katie wish you better
katie, why are you beating yourself up?
Tell me about your son, you seem to be worrying about him.
I do love them all so much, but I can't help thinking that my children derserve a better and well mum, and my bf to be with somebody that is not sick.
Children of that age love their Mum, no matter what.
You sound like a good mum to me.
He's very sensitive and can suffer with depression too. He wrote me a note the other week saying he wanted me to kill him, because he didn't want to live anymore. :weep:
The doctors are helping us both, and he is being referred for Child Therapy. They did say that they were putting him on an Emergency List, only I still haven't heard anything.
I'm seeing two Psychiatrists myself on Monday, they work together, one Senior, one Junior, hopefully they will be able to chase things up for me.
I've just re-read that last message I wrote. How selfish of me to be thinking these thoughts. I'm so angry with myself !!!
I must be here to help my son get better.
I'm sorry about that, that's just woken me up. How horribly selfish I am for thinking these thoughts.
My children need me. Thanks so much for bringing me to my senses.
I'm going to try so hard today to make my children happy.
I've just re-read that last message I wrote. How selfish of me to be thinking these thoughts. I'm so angry with myself !!!
I must be here to help my son get better.
I'm sorry about that, that's just woken me up. How horribly selfish I am for thinking these thoughts.
My children need me. Thanks so much for bringing me to my senses.
I'm going to try so hard today to make my children happy.
katie as I said before STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP.
Being a parent means you learn as you go along.
Believe me when I tell you that when they grow up they remember the loving moments from their Mum.
That can be anything from a smile before they leave for school to a nutty mum doing an impression of Mrs Weasely
Take care Katie
Thanks Mau,
You were there at the right time :) .
Thanks for your message too Colin.
I slept for alittle and have woken up feeling pretty bad, but now my bf's helped me pick myself up a bit. What would I do without him. It helps that it's a nice day and that we've planned things to do today, I couldn't get through the day without them all.
We're taking my little girl Street Dancing soon and I'm gonna try my very best to go biking with them too. I really don't feel like it at all, but i'm going to try 100% and stop moping around feeling sorry for myself. I haven't got time to be ill, I really haven't.
Thanks Mau, thanks for the chat. You've helped me to work things out and to look at things head on. I will get through this and sort myself out, I owe this to my family.
Hope you're well xx
hi katie i would just like to say i think your a good mother even in the despair of your illness the thing that always shines through is the way you talk about your children.
Dont you worry about sounding selfish, you are not selfish at all you are poorly and anyone reading this who knows what you are going through now and in the past would agree.
I know from personal experiance how low it can take you and to be honest with you katie at times i have really resented my children because i have had to fight against this when i wanted to just give up.
But like you say they are the reason we fight and they are my reason i fight everyday.:).
everyday is a new day. you take care.xxx:bighug1:
Tori Frances
10-05-09, 10:06
Hi Katie,
Really hope you manage to get a little pleasure out of today. Remember just because you live like this now doesn't mean you always will - it just means you haven't got the right help yet. You sound like a great mum to me as you are worried about your children. You obviously love them and thats what they really need. Its yout who deserves better than this remember. keep fighting until you get it and the rewards will be immense I'm sure.
Katie how have you been feeling today?
Hi and thanks for your messages.
Today or yesterday didn't go very well. We took my daughter dancing, but I couldn't go out biking, I had to come home and sleep to try escape. Bf still took them out of course, it wouldn't have been fair.
I'm seeing Psychiatrist this morning, I hope they can help me further. I can't cope with things. Bf's back at work today and so dad has to come round to drive kids to school.
Sorry to moan, this isn't usually like me. But I feel so sick, and am scared I will never get better. I want to try my hardest to stay out of hospital, but it won't surprise me if they ask me to go back in for rest.
When I was very sick before they were organising Social Services to help. Dad helped me, only this time it's getting harder for him, as he lives 24miles away with his elderly mum and disabled sister who he has to look after and driving backwards and forwards must be a nightmare. He can't do all of this, it's unfair, i'm worried he'll become sick again. Bf, obviously has to work to pay bills and mortgage.
Should I be scared of Social Services ? I just wish I could do things on my own and I hate myself for not being able to, I keep trying, but falling back down again.
I really am fighting to not loose my mind.
Sweet Katie:hugs:
It is Not a sign of weakness to need help when we're ill.:hugs:
You should accept all that is is offered to you at present. Look at it as helping your Dad and to enable you to stay home with your family.
Have you read my previous posts about Direct Payments? I wondered if it's something that might help you. It could provide you with someone to pop in to visit you regularly but not as a carer, but as a friend of your choosing so that you have someone to keep you company. If you think you'd like that, ask your cpn if its possible.
Hang in there Dear Katie because although I know it doesn't feel like it at present, you WILL get better.....I just Know you will!!!:bighug1:
Thanks Bill, I'll mention that.
I'm just not coping very well at all, with chores, looking after the children properly. I can't drive at the moment and their school is 4mile drive away.
I find it hard getting their uniform together, just the simplest of things, you know ?
The reason why I'm frightened about Social being involved is because I'm so scared that they may think i'm just too unwell to look after my children, and they take them away from me.
I'm finding it really hard to disipline them, I find it difficult when they sometimes argue. I can't seem to handle anything and I have to shut myself in my room.
keep going you can do it all the best emma
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