Sadness and assertiveness. Keep fighting myself

[melody]

Hi,

I feel uneasy. I feel a little sad. I feel angry at myself for not being stronger. I question if spending so much attention on my mental illness is healthy & the way to get better, or if it's another obsession. I am proud of myself for not giving into cravings last night when I was feeling very low.

I know I must look at how much I have come through, in order to see I have strength to go through as much as life throws at me. Burying my head in the sand didn't help, it helped me push through my goals though, which is what I needed at the time. I know I should not be angry at myself for doing what I needed to do to cope. I should not be ashamed that I have little faith in trusting in humanity when so many have let me down. I also know that the first thing I learned in anxiety group is that "shoulds" encourage anxiety & discourage self acceptance. If I keep thinking I "should" be perfect every day, I can never live up to my standards. My self acceptance is conditional on always pushing myself hard & achieving goals & seeming like a fun happy person & keeping fit & thin. Perhaps a little unrealistic?

I need to be able to accept myself as OK even if I fail. Clearly there are going to be many more times in my lifetime when I fail at things & it's not going to help much if I fall apart every time & allow my old tormentors into my head while I feel vulnerable.

I feel like a fraud! It only matters because everyone seems to think I don't need anyone & am coping fine. If out of the blue I start crying for an hour, I say I have depression. They say thoughtless things like, 'you don't have depression. You always seem fine'. I try to reach out to people, but then I get scared they'll judge or laugh at me & I pull back again & say I'm fine, when all I really want is a hug & to be told I'm OK just the way I am.

The thing that frustrates me the most is how I want my friends to be there for me to help, but I don't want advice. I have read more self help books than them, there are no "being happy tips" I haven't read about in a desperate attempt to normalize myself. All I want is for someone to just show that they care if I'm OK. Just to be there & not desert me when I feel low. I have had enough of advice! I guess I need to be brave & just say that next time when someone thinks they have the answers, even if I feel rude. My biggest regrets are the things I was too afraid to say, not the things I said that offended someone. I guess sometimes it's OK to politely & respectfully offend someone if it stops me getting hurt again. If they are offended by my truth, perhaps I am better off without them. I think I will feel OK about this so long as I am careful not to be critical of the person or their values.

Thankyou, I think I feel a bit better now :) I already knew I struggle with assertiveness, but its soooo hard. I'm less of a wuss than I used to be I guess. I never could have admitted anything 2 or 3 years ago.

Melody

[SarahP]

Hey Melody!

I'm glad getting all that out of your system seemed to help. You sound very similar to me. When my anxiety came on again last year I completely lost any self confidence and relied on other people to tell me how to feel better. Now I am starting to think for myself again, I find it very difficult when people try to give me advice as I would now rather just get on with feeling better!

I know what you mean about fighting yourself, especially if being passive and low has become a habit over time. But we can do this, and there are ways of gently telling people you like that they care, but just a hug will do while you're sorting yourself out. It can be difficult for people to feel like we're changing and they have to learn to interact with us differently. It's a learning curve I guess.

Finally, I totally agree with you that it can be so difficult to know how much thinking about your problems is too much. I get like that too! And I've just had a weekend away at my sister's and felt loads better because I really tried to put everything from my mind. But then it's important to work through some of your issues to stop them creeping up on you later in life!

Anyway, I just wanted you to know you're not alone, I hope that helps a bit.

And if you ever need a chat, I'm here :)

Keep smiling :hugs:

Sarah xx

[chocolatesundae]

I can relate to all of your post. Thanks for writing it, I think you sum up what most of us with the same type of thing feel. I often get told by my friends that I am strong and get left to get on with it but, in their defence, I DO get on with it...sometimes however I could do with a bit of sympathy rather than practical suggestions. Its a catch 22!

Well done for recognising that you need to keep going, you seem to be on the right track and that can only be a good thing. Like I say to myself through gritted teeth as I 'cope admirably'...onward and upward ;)

hugs
Ali x