View Full Version : Fighting back against depression
Hi all, I have been experiencing mild to moderate depression and severe anxiety for the last 2-3 months. I hope you will read this and be able to provide some reassurance!
NOTE: This post has been updated on 11 May at 10:20pm.
I have been through a few nasty things over the last year which I am now trying to move on from so I won't list them again. I just seemed to keep sinking and could not stop my mood from turning dark. The anxiety started first, then depression took over as my main problem as my treatment started to work. Then even that took a back seat to strong, unfocused feelings of fear which I am still struggling with.
I am on citalopram 20mg and I am receiving counselling. I also use MIND and the Samaritans for extra support. I do not really talk about my problems to family or friends as I don't want to burden them or scare them.
My anxiety and depression are not so bad these days but they have started coming back. They seemed to come back after my first counselling session on Friday 8th May. I have been feeling quite anxious since Friday and although I do have free periods where it doesn't affect me, I experience it at least 75% of the time.
I've identified most of the triggers for my negative feelings.
1) Getting a job / Moving forward
The main one is my fear of moving on with my life. I need to get a job and I have a history of being very unhappy at work. Also I would need to get myself back into a professional frame of mind which seems scary after 6 months of being redundant. This one scares me to the point where I don't even think about it.
2) The ticking clock
The second trigger is feeling that I am wasting my life. This sort of links into the first problem but it triggers different feelings of fear. It sometimes makes things seem pointless and hopeless (not all the time though).
When I'm enjoying myself, the thought, "You're wasting time" pops into my head and makes me feel upset. Or worse, "you might be happy now but tomorrow you'll feel like this all over again". The scariest thing is, it tries to convince me that no matter what I do with my life, I will always feel like this.
Depression tries to convince me that it is a secret underlying truth behind reality. Just reading that back shows me I am putting far too much thought into this -- but I can't switch it off! This is the trigger which causes most of my depression.
3) Groundhog Day [NEW]
I forgot about this one when I first created this thread. This is the one that tends to cause me the most distress in general as it is the thought I get the most. I suffered badly with this until a couple of weeks ago and now it is coming back (in a reduced form).
I might be feeling good, but then I get thoughts like "what about tomorrow?" or I will simply remember how crap I have been feeling in general and my anxiety and feelings of depression will return. I get this a lot during "blips" and it has been my most common problem over the last couple of months. When I'm at my worst, I get these thoughts and the accompanying feelings of fear every time I finish whatever I'm doing, in other words as soon as I am no longer distracted. The chatterbox starts up straight away and I feel bad.
I think about spending another full day feeling scared and depressed and it really dents my morale. It's like someone has poured freezing water all over me. I imagine being bored at home with nothing to do, or out with my friend doing the same things we always do. (In reality I like being at home and I enjoy doing things with my friend.) My good mood evaporates and I become twitchy and scared.
I don't like to think about this too much because it really does make me feel bad.
I think this comes about because of bad memories. I have spent a lot of time at home or at my mate's house during my depression and anxiety. I think that my subconscious simply "remembers" feeling bad in these situations so they constantly repeat and reinforce themselves in my imagination. Knowing -- or at least suspecting -- why I get these feelings does not seem to have helped me deal with them. I think I need professional assistance for this one and I plan to make this my top priority when I next visit MIND and my counsellor.
This problem also links into trigger number 2, "the ticking clock". It must be a good sign that all my problems are linked to one another, right? Chop the head off a hydra and another one grows in its place; kill the body and the whole thing dies?
4) No way out
The final trigger that I know about it the fear that there will be no answers or resolutions -- nobody can protect me from this because I am the cause of my own problems. It feels like my mind has turned against itself (maybe in the absence of anything else to do) and I have become my own enemy. This is something I do not know how to do. The only person I am scared of is myself. This trigger causes most of my fear and anxiety.
I am tired of having to listen to the same broken record every day. My chatterbox has come back and I am struggling to shut it up.
I felt like I was so close to finally getting better and now there has been yet another backwards step! It's like my anxiety, depression and fear form a black hole and I'm being sucked in by their gravity well.
I think this is happening because I went to counselling to drag everything up so I could start dealing with it. If anyone has been through counselling and experienced the same problems, please tell me here, cos I need some reassurance!
Don't really know what to put Poet because I feel much the same as you, something is keeping me in a place of anx and depression and on the other hand I am almost in the place I want to be but as soon as I get there it gets more out of reach. I guess we just have to keep trying.
Sorry not much help but I do understand
Carol x
Hi Carol, have you ever heard of the Torment of Tantalus? He offended the Gods of Greek mythology and as a punishment was made to stand in a pool of water beneath a fruit tree; every time he reached for the fruit the branches rose up out of his reach, and every time he tried to drink the water it receded before him. We get the word "tantalising" from his situation: to see something we want that is just beyond our reach.
I'm not trying to say anyone has offended any deities by the way, this was just an analogy!
A few years ago I had the full "fire and brimstone" depression where I believed God was punishing me for something. In a way, that kind of depression was not as bad as the unfocused kind I'm feeling now. The idea of being "punished" gave me an incentive to do good things in order to make up for whatever I'd done wrong. I did make some improvements to the way I behaved and I started to see the world in a much more positive light. As soon as I learned how to accept myself for who I was, the fire and brimstone depression vanished and has never come back.
Now I never think of myself as being punished and I certainly do not think God is mad with me. Sometimes I think of myself as being "tested" instead which, in a way, is true. I believe that life is a series of challenges linked by everyday stuff.
I'm thinking of keeping this thread running like my two citalopram threads, cos venting really helps me and I can write down anything I've learned or experienced that might help other people. I could even talk about my experiences with MIND and the Samaritans in the hope that it will encourage others to try them out too.
Yeah, this is gonna snowball :)
Poet
That so makes sense to me, the cycle of anx and depression is so well described in what you have said. The more we reach the further it goes yet we see others who obtain what we want with no struggle at all comes so easy to them. Maybe we should stop reaching so far and let things just happen.
I too have been through the punishment thing. I think you are right we are being tested and amongst all this I know I have become a better living and more understanding person so not all bad has come from my anx and depression but now I am a better person I would like the chance to feel good about it and let go of the horrible things that are holding me back.
Please do keep this thread running I think it will help you and others.
Carol x
Hi Carol, wow you certainly do sound like you're on the road to recovery!
I think we run into "roadblocks" which slow us down or halt us altogether. Then we overcome them and start moving forwards again. That is how it feels to me. I'm at another roadblock at this moment.
You're exactly right when you talk about not reaching too far. Every day, every hour you battle your depression is time you have spent achieving something.
It's interesting that in the past I was very hostile towards religion especially when I felt I was being "punished". As I have become more familiar with religion (although I'm not particularly religious myself) I find it very comforting as I have started to see the good things it does for people and I've got to know some of the wonderful people who believe.
I'm gonna need to keep this thread going to be honest. Venting helps me so much, far more than medication ever will. Anyone can feel free to chip in and talk about their own stuff. We'll all get better together :D
Righty ho I might as well just ramble, I find that's the best therapy for me and it always will be. Could this be my next epic mega-thread?
I've had a good day today despite my feelings of depression and anxiety. It's my birthday, so I went to see the brilliant new Star Trek film and my family came round for a meal, then me and dad went out for the evening for something to do with his work and had a nice chill-out time.
I managed to get a few short breaks from my negative feelings this evening. Hooray, it does still happen :D
I have still had scary and distressing feelings related to the triggers in my first post. (I've updated the first post by the way. Getting everything out of my head and into this thread has already made me feel a bit better. It's nice to know you only really have a handful of problems, not an unlimited ocean of them!)
I've started isolating myself again by spending time online. I was trying to stay off No More Panic for a while so I could spend time in the real world. Since counselling on Friday I have needed to distract and reassure myself by coming online again. I have found myself needing constant reassurance since counselling. My ability to switch the chatterbox off has disappeared.
I get physical symptoms when I'm suffering from depression or severe anxiety, like a tension headache or pressure pains in my temples. I spoke to my doctor about this and he reckons it is purely a symptom of anxiety. I was worried that there was some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain.
I read up on this and apparently the latest thinking is that chemical imbalances in the brain are actually caused by depression -- in other words they do not cause depression, they are one of its effects.
While many people will find it disturbing that the neat and tidy idea of a chemical imbalance is being chucked in the bin, I actually think this is a good thing. It means that we don't have to worry so much about what is going on in our brains -- we can concentrate on the emotional causes of depression and try to resolve them instead.
I'm thinking of visiting MIND tomorrow if my depression and anxiety are at the same level as today. I am hoping they start to reduce day by day. If they do, I will definitely know that I can beat multiple "blips", and that will be a big weight off my mind!
Hi all, I thought I would list the treatments and therapies I am undertaking to deal with my anxiety and depression. I try to take these with food and drink.
Medical and mineral treatment
Morning
* Citalopram 20mg.
* Omega 3 pill (400mg) x1 - Contains omega 3, omega 6, omega 9, Flaxseed oil, Starflower oil, Vitamin E.
* Inositol pill (650mg) x2
* Vitamin B-Complex (up to 2500% daily allowance) x2
Lunchtime/afternoon
* Omega 3 pill (400mg) x1
* Inositol pill (650mg) x2
* Vitamin B-Complex x2
Dinnertime/Evening
* Omega 3 pill (400mg) x1
* Inositol pill (650mg) x2
* Chromium picolinate pill (200ug) x1
* Magnesium pill (250mg) x1
* Zinc pill (15mg) x1
* Vitamin B-Complex x2
Therapies received
* Counselling
* Online cognitive behavioural therapy (planning to start this soon)
Other support
* MIND drop-in centre, as and when needed
MIND provide support, guidance and reassurance in a relaxed and positive environment. They are helping me to build an "action plan" for recovery. I am hoping that in the long run, MIND will help guide me into permanent recovery.
* Samaritans
If I can feel myself slipping into a downer or I am extremely anxious or upset I will speak to the Samaritans for a short while. This usually boosts my mood and confidence enough to get on with things again.
* No More Panic
Obviously :) Helping other people boosts my happiness and confidence. Venting in my citalopram threads and now this thread helps release tension and allows me to work problems out, often with support from other people who know what I'm going through. I don't know how I would have stuck with citalopram without No More Panic.
Well I suppose I might as well keep posting as I am going out shortly and I want to vent a few emotions!! I've had a good day today, my mood has been much better than the last few days. I want to get better and I feel like the medical profession doesn't want to know. Surely they should be trying to fix me, not sending me away to carry on with my own treatment.
I am still getting "ticking clock" and "groundhog day" feelings (from my first post) and my only defence at this point is to ignore them. It helps but ignoring my problems isn't going to make them go away. I need to find some way to fight them directly. But they hurt too much and I get really upset by them.
The fight against depression has become more intense over the last week. I need a lot of reassurance and support. I feel vulnerable and scared when I'm on my own. I feel like a mental patient needing to be wrapped in a straitjacket! I'm so afraid of ending up like that even though I know I will never allow myself to fall that far.
I hope to visit MIND tomorrow since I haven't had a chance today. I want to sort a full action plan for recovery.
Hi Poet
I am glad you have had a better day. I agree with what you say about the medical professionals but I honestly think they don't have time to sit and help us - my experience only though. All the gps I see seem worn out and disinterested - have not got time to fully chat and just hand out prescriptions. I told my gp last year I felt suicidal - he didnt even look at me - wrote me a prescription and I left his room. I could have got the prescription, gone home and took the lot for all he cared. I never collected the prescription. After that I lost faith in gps I have also lost faith in some of the mental health teams - there are some very good doctors and mental health nurses and psychiatrists - but there are a lot who just dont seem truly interested.
I have been out most of the day and still feel like an alien on this planet. I am admitting defeat, declaring myself insane, and if I improve thats a bonus.
I may drop my dosage of citalopram because this increase is making me feel like I did back last year! I feel worse now than before I went to the gp to ask him for medication! I wasnt like this on 10mg.
I think you are doing well !
Have a good evening!
Popperoonie
Aw Poppy, sounds like you're as fed up with your situation as I am with mine. Isn't it a chuff? We need someone beside us on a bicycle constantly shouting encouragement at us. "You're bad, you're beautiful, you can do it, keep going!"
Remember what it says in the citalopram survival guide: anxiety and depression are liars. If we give up, they gain strength. Depression tries to convince us it is telling us some fundamental truth about reality that only we can see. It isn't. It's telling us a truth about itself: that it is a bothersome and self-obsessed parasite that wants us to feed it constantly by feeling unhappy.
Your experiences with doctors sound pretty bad. You'd think someone earning £100k per annum would at least smile as they handed out random prescriptions.
If anyone is reading this thread and has more encouragement or advice to add to anything I've said so far, please do so! I really do benefit from the support of others!
I am starting to "come round" a bit with regard to my depression. It's funny: I started taking citalopram to deal with depression, yet instead of masking it, the depression has started to make itself more obvious as the weeks have gone by. It's like the depression has been deprived of a place to hide and has come out at me full force.
This has helped me to identify my depression and many of the triggers for it. It also shows me that I am dealing with the anxiety that used to be such a problem, as the anxiety has retreated to allow my depression to do all the fighting.
I feel that I am beating the anxiety to a large extent. My feelings of fear seem to be connected to the anxiety AND the depression, so it must be a side effect of both conditions, therefore I am better off treating the anxiety and depression rather than worrying about my feelings of fear. Fear is the hydra's head: chop it off and another one grows. Anxiety and depression form the body: kill them and the whole thing dies.
I'm visiting MIND tomorrow and I have taken the unusual step of requesting a private room to talk in. I am nervous cos I know I will be facing some of my darkest fears tomorrow and I don't want to do this in public in case I become upset.
I have spent months running from my depression and only made limited attempts to treat the symptoms of depression. I have not done enough to tackle the source. Treat the symptoms and the source continues to produce new ones. Cure the source and there are no more symptoms.
I'm scared to be honest -- and I am sick of living my life being scared of everything. I have used the word "scared" more than any other since I joined NMP.
Well I say knackers to fear. I laugh at fear. In fact, if you'll bear with me, I wrestle fear to the ground in a semi-Nelson, then sit on its face and fart not once, not twice, but two and a half times. Take that, fear!
hi guys,
i hope whoever is reading this is feeling more positive today.
just a quick note in response to something you mentioned in one of your earlier posts Poet, and i really reccommend to anyone with any religious belief or no belief at all to read- "BATTLEFIELD OF THE MIND" BY JOYCE MEYER. This book totally changed my life and has helped me so much in my way of thinking, because our battles start in our minds and i hope you agree with that statement.
This book absolutely changed my life. I felt like the author was in my mind and had written the book for me personally. I realised i was not alone. And it is so easy to read.
I hope should you read it will help and inspire you. I truly believe it will. Let me know what you think if you do. xx
Danny Dingle recommended that I read "Veronika Decides to Die" which is actually a story about hope and courage in the face of death. I am not strong enough yet to read anything connected to thoughts of suicide -- but the book is apparently a source of hope and inspiration, even though you wouldn't guess this from its plot.
I've been to my friend's tonight and guess what? This was THE FIRST time that I felt no fear on the way down there AND felt no fear on the way home. I had the odd flutter of panic while at his and quickly squashed them. These new breathing techniques are turning into my doomsday weapon against fear.
I am truly proud of myself for this.
I still feel a bit sick with fear now I'm home cos this seems, somehow, to be where my fear lives. Once I get over this way of thinking I will have made a huge stride towards recovery.
I am very nervous about tomorrow at MIND. This is the big one. In fact me mate actually asked my if I'd farted and made me open a window. I really am THAT nervous. I'm still going to MIND. I'd rather spend the night farting than the rest of my life cowering from depression!
Oh I forgot to add some things to my first post in this thread. I might as well list them here cos I'm trying to make some space in my head, and I ain't got long before the second half of Man U comes on.
Things depression has stopped me doing:
See my first post in this thread for more info.
Writing stories
I'm scared to explore my imagination any more! Some enthusiasm for writing has returned but my mind feels "locked down" due to my anti-depression measures. Hopefully this will loosen up as my ability to control depression improves.
Reading
I am able to read some novels and my ability to concentrate on books has returned... but I doubt I could deal with HP Lovecraft or Stephen King at this time.
Going out on my own
This is a biggie. I used to do this a reasonable amount of the time. I've always preferred going out with company. Nowadays I don't go out alone even to run my remote controlled monster truck in the local woods or go for a bike ride.
Enjoying being alone
This is one of the major ones. Feelings of loneliness and emptiness occur when I am on my own and it gets a lot worse if no-one replies to my texts or messages. I fully realise that people have got lives to lead, however now I'm feeling like this I need people to talk to me constantly. Usually I don't care whether or not people reply immediately.
Enjoying being at home
Another major problem. I think of spending endless hours bored or thinking of being ill or hearing the news or spending hours on NMP when I feel like I should be doing something important.
Experiencing powerful emotions
I had to keep a tighter reign on my emotions than Spock, Tuvok and T'Pol combined. Now that I am receiving all the necessary support I am finding it difficult to release my emotions. I'm scared that if I get to angry or sad or even happy I will trigger a full-blown depressive episode or somehow succumb to anxiety and fear. If I can beat this problem I should be able to enjoy things a lot more.
Taking simple pleasure in things
This links into "experiencing powerful emotions" but I feel it's important enough to have its own category. My ability to enjoy life has returned a lot but there are still times when I am unhappy and scared.
Other, apparently random, triggers for depression:
See my first post in this thread for major triggers.
My brother's illness
My brother is very ill with schizophrenia. It responds to medication but he does not have much hope of recovery until medical technology improves. It took the doctors a long time to find the right combinations and doses of medication to help him and it makes him tired and lethargic. I love him so much I could cry for him. Every time I see him these days it triggers me cos I think "If I've suffered like this, how much must he be going through?" and I have prayed a number of times that I could take on his suffering if he be spared. This is a situation that cannot be resolved and it is such a source of pain for me. Then I feel guilty for feeling bad about him and that makes it worse!!
Reading/Hearing the news
This makes me feel terrible even after all this time. So much despair and human suffering compacted into 15 minutes or a page of A3 printed paper! NOTHING brings me down like the news! Relentless stories of financial crises, farcical claims about minor flu bugs, endless murders and rapes and child abuse... For God's sake, the world is a good place, let's see some of that good!!
Hearing about deaths or (especially) suicide
Even if this is just on the telly, for example on Supernatural on Sunday, office workers were killing themselves due to possession by a ghost. What a silly thing to get freaked out about! On the plus side I don't get as upset by this as I did just a week or two ago.
Everyday things
This is the hardest one to deal with as it strikes at random and unexpected moments. Sometimes really stupid things, such as picking a bog roll up (!!) or thinking about going to my mate's house, make me feel scared and depressed. I think this is due to "association", e.g. I am often nervous or distressed when I go to my mate's house and my downers occur even when I'm doing everyday things, and my brain simply thinks these are what MAKE me feel down.
Thoughts of being abandoned or alone
I only open up fully to one friend and I haven't known her too long; I have a constant, irrational fear that she will leave me or somehow not be able to support me any more. This though scares me to death as it reminds me of the days I felt alone (when my depression first started). It totally overlooks the fact that I am also receiving support from MIND and the Samaritans, and I can also speak to family and friends if necessary. One day I'm going to have a totally rational fear!!
LOL. Good on you, Poet.... you actually made me crack a smile and laugh out loud! I remember life CAN be funny sometimes.
Tell me about MIND.... what happens there and why are you nervous?
Btw, the book i recommended is NOTHING like the other book about Veronica! Oh my goodness, im unsure if i could read that either. Not at this stage. no no no, "Battlefield of the Mind" is a book written from the perspective if the author Joyce Meyer who has gone through ALL these things we are talking about in this site and most importantly HOW she has OVERCOME!! This book is so postitive you will just want to eat it when you've finished, simply so you can digest it all and never forget.
Look it up on amazon or something. Trust me, its the kind if book that helps you and certainly doesnt hinder. It teaches and shows you how not to live in fear, but how to be released from the oppression in our minds. Seriously, from all the great things i have heard you say on this site, i totally think you can handle this book and it will work for you. Its a worldwide bestseller, so it must be doing something write.
So go on.... tell me about MIND tomorrow and why you are feeling a little anxious about it?
ps- well done for taking control of your breathing earlier! See, you CAN do it!! KEEP GOING! XX
Hi LadyLala, I haven't spent much time in the depression forum cos a = I couldn't handle it and b = I was in denial about my depression. It's nice to get to know new people in this forum :D
Click the link to MIND in my signature. They have been tremendously helpful in my recovery. I only wish they were open weekends!
I'm going in to discuss my deepest fears and problems, all of which I have mentioned in this thread. Maybe some hidden ones will come out too. I haven't faced some of these directly and I am scared about what will happen. But in the British spirit, I'll go to hell before I succumb to fear. Depression has dominated long enough. Now it's my turn.
Let's have some pictures of my car to celebrate the return of my motivation! ;)
http://i138.photobucket.com/albums/q255/nopoet406/1653625573.jpg
http://i138.photobucket.com/albums/q255/nopoet406/11.jpg
http://i138.photobucket.com/albums/q255/nopoet406/MF4M8738.jpg
http://i138.photobucket.com/albums/q255/nopoet406/spoila.jpg
Ooooh Lala! Check out your wheels!!! Hurrah to the return of your motivation! Thats great news.... i believe you can do it, Poet.... the right (or wrong) attitude starts in our own minds.
Im great at telling others what to do, but should take some of my own medicine. I feel bitter and wanna sucker punch someone when i see them being so "happy". I guess im jealous. Thats usually how i feel towards my boyf. How come he's so happy and got everything going so well for him and can always be so bloody positive when i find it virtually impossible?! Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
Sorry Poet, im meant to be cheering you up, right?
Anyway, tomorrow you are going to do swell. Is it a group meeting?
bte, im surprised to hear you say you were in denial about depression, because you sound so "sorted" in a way that you know what you're up against and now what you have to do to fight it.
Its amazing how others can percieve us as being great when we are thinking the worst about ourselves.
Keep the good thoughts Poet.... and anyone else reading this. xx
For some reason I have been terrified of being depressed this time around. I have had depressive bouts in the past which I recovered from by changing my attitude. This depressive phase has only lasted a couple of months but I feel like it has destroyed my life. Don't get me wrong, I do believe I am recovering, I'm just shocked at how far I fell and how much I have changed in the last 2 months. It seems such a short time to go through so much change.
On the plus side most of the changes to me are positive and I feel that they are noticeable to others. I don't take much crap from people in real life any more and I am not scared of other people. The main negative change is the "shadow" this has left on me. It's still too close to the pain and I am going to need some time to get over my experiences.
I am very nervous about going to MIND. I couldn't hold a series of percussive farts which gradually became wet -- always a sign of nerves! I'm gonna do it though, I'm taking deep breaths and I'm going in. To the Crystal Dome! Oh wait no, that was something else.
Ok, I've been to Mind today. I made a list of my main triggers and fears, nearly all of which have already been listed in this thread. I am told that many of my fears are quite common or are related to fears that most people also have when suffering from depression. So hopefully my 90-minute session will help others as well!
Here are the main things I raised and the solutions we worked out together.
Major Problems
Problem: I tend to feel better when I'm venting about my problems but then when I'm on my own afterwards my good mood starts to sink.
Solution: I am going back to the same life and the same conditions that I had before venting my feelings, so any problems which I experience in these conditions are still going to be there. Once these problems have been resolved, there should be no need to worry about this.
Problem: I become tense, upset and very demoralised when I think about getting a new job, because I have had bad experiences in the workplace and it is difficult to find a job I like.
Solution: Having any kind of job always boosts my self-respect and gives me a sense of purpose and direction, not to mention money. It forces me to interact with the world and in the past has helped me to make friends and have new experiences. I might not be in the exact frame of mind needed to cope with a job at this moment but that will change as I continue to recover. Rather than being something to fear, getting a job could be the final element to my recovery.
Problem: I am very distressed by my brother's mental illness and sometimes my fears for my brother trigger my own depression and feelings of worthlessness because I cannot help him.
Solution: This is something I cannot change. What I can do is be there for him if he needs me. You cannot expect more from yourself as there is literally nothing else for you to do. He is receiving the finest care from our region's top specialist (a real stroke of luck, this doctor is very highly regarded and cares very much for his patients) and my brother's medication is controlling all or most of his symptoms. He has a much better quality of life than he did a few years ago.
Problem: Ticking clock and sense of hopelessness/worthlessness (see first post in this thread).
Solution: This problem is very difficult for me to deal with. However they are classic symptoms of depression and stress, and have little basis in reality. I am concerned about money and finding a new job which are valid worries, I'm just stressing about them too much, time is on my side. Depression is not an accurate model of reality. There is nothing wrong with indulging in hobbies and interests as long as they do not become obsessive or destructive, e.g. spending too much time online instead of living my life.
Problem: Groundhog day - distressing thoughts that every day is the same, I will always feel scared and depressed, feelings of being alone or being at home will trigger more fear and depression.
Solution: Indulge in hobbies; find a way to forgive and forget the past; concentrate on today and tomorrow rather than yesterday; stop expecting the future to mimick the past -- if you do this, you are not thinking forward, you are still living in the past!
Problem: I feel like I have turned against myself and all of my intelligence is being used to obsess about my problems and keep me trapped in a state of depression and despair.
Solution: Make friends with yourself; learn to trust yourself again; stop being so hard on yourself by piling pressure and unrealistic expectations on your own head; turn your intelligence against the depression - own it, don't let it own me.
Problem: I'm scared I will relapse or that I will never be free of depression.
Solution: The easiest course of action is to let yourself sink. It's often more comfortable to stay in a state of depression than it is to fight back and take charge of your life. You don't have to relapse; your techniques from recognising and controlling ("managing") depression and anxiety are improving and you will evolve better coping techniques over time. People can and do permanently beat depression. Accept that you are the kind of person who has high and low moods, you sometimes feel fear of things, this is just how you work and it is a part of you that you will learn to accept. Spend more time working on positive thinking and try to look for the good in every situation; don't just settle for the bad.
Problem: Fear that I will succumb to madness or somehow become suicidal.
Solution: This is over-analysis and over-thinking. These worries are not based in objective reality and are simply fears over nothing. Depression magnifies such thoughts but that does not mean they will come to pass. Also, see solution to previous problem.
Troubling but non-urgent issues
Problem: I am trapped in the "hamster wheel" of depression!
Solution: This is a very common feeling. Fighting back against depression and changing my thoughts from negative to positive will gradually free me from this feeling.
Problem: I still feel I have unresolved issues that I have no control over and will never be able to move on from.
Solution: Create a "recycle bin" in your mind (similar to the one on your computer desktop) and dump useless problems in there for disposal. Also use this to dump extra stress and worry, particularly over things that I have no influence over such as another person's illness, the credit crunch, etc.
Problem: Some of my memories are just too painful and cause me distress; should I try to tackle these or just ignore them?
Solution: Some problems and emotions are simply too dangerous for us to tackle and there is no benefit in trying to do so. It isn't always true that you *have* to face things in order to move on from them. You can store all the painful, unworkable memories in a compartment in your mind and leave it sealed. If one of these "locked" problems ever wants you to fix it at some point in the future, it will let you know! If not, leave it in peace!
Problems we didn't manage to find solutions to or discuss in full due to time constraints (to be discussed next time)
Problem: Bad memories of the last few months haunt me and colour my vision of the future.
Possible solution: See "Groundhog day" (above and first post in this thread).
Problem: Random, everyday things that are unconnected to my problems make me feel depressed - e.g. hearing someone speak, hearing a television theme tune etc.
Possible solution: Links in to "Groundhog Day" and "Bad memories" (see above) and same solutions apply; more positive thinking.
Problem: Feel unable to express deep emotions eg joy, anger or sadness in case the go out of control and/or trigger severe depression. Also, my tight mental restriction which I developed over the past 2 months to control my depression prevents me from feeling these emotions even if I want to.
Possible solution: There is little evidence that depths of emotion will make me depressed, and it is very unlikely they will "send me over the edge". I should allow myself to experience emotions gently, in a relaxed and controlled manner, to accustom myself to feeling positive and negative emotions WITHOUT them triggering fear or depressive attacks.
Problem: I'm afraid of how much I've changed over the last two months even though many of these changes are for the better.
Possible solution: Adapting to change is a necessary life skill, so work at it!
Problem: Dating/Relationships.
Possible solution: This is not really a problem for me as I am happy being single and I have no problems making female friends. Once my other problems are resolved and I'm settled in a job, maybe I will meet someone then, and that will be the time to deal with any issues that crop up.
Problem: Feeling like reality is somehow "closed in" around me, as if nothing outside of my line of sight is real and I am trapped in a claustrophobic space.
Possible solution: This is another common response for depressed or stressed people; it is the same as being trapped in the "hamster wheel" of depression (see above).
Problem: I have been obsessed with my problems and symptoms. Memories of the way I have been feeling are not helping my recovery. Constantly thinking and worrying about them and constantly visiting NMP can make me feel worse.
Solution: More over-analysis; using NMP to vent is a good thing but any kind of positive action should not be allowed to become counter-productive ("destructive") -- obsession is not good. This is going to require work and I intend to discuss this with my counsellor, as I do have an obsessive personality which works against me at times like this.
Other things I want to discuss or go back over next time
* Feeling upset and scared when I've made plans to do something, but end up having to stay at home. (Links in to several other problems already mentioned).
* Fear of becoming reliant on help or support from other people, and freaking out when none is available.
* Fear that friends will not want anything to do with me any more; fear of being alone. (I suffered bad separation anxiety as a child and I think it permanently damaged me!)
* I sometimes experience difficulty in motivating myself, especially when trapped by anxiety or depression, which means I remain locked in a state of fear.
* Reprogramming myself -- I need to vent about my life story and forgive myself for things that I allowed to happen in the past, which have a direct bearing on the way I am today.
* Getting up in the morning -- I used to love getting up early and enjoying some peace and quite, now after my experiences with depression and anxiety I am in the habit of getting up late. I can't make myself switch back to getting up early.
* Further exploration of why I feel panicky, afraid and upset at home or at the thought of spending time at home.
* Felling nervous rather than anxious in mornings, like I am expecting anxiety and depression to strike at any moment. Feeling "on tenterhooks" all the time (hypervigilance?).
* Being triggered or upset by the behaviour of others e.g. people who are depressed or distressed in real life, on telly or in the papers. For example my brother and the people who visit Mind.
* Physical symptoms which precede anxiety or feelings of depression - like a tension headache or mild "ice cream headache", fuzzy feelings in the brain, a total change of personality and perspective. It's like I become a totally different person who thinks and behaves differently.
Please, if anyone is finding this useful or has anything to add, please let me hear it!
hi poet,
i really have to go to bed because i have a long and stressful day ahead of me so i cannot stop. but i just wanted to congratulate you on the huge step you took today. You should eb really proud of yourself becoause i know you were scared, but see? it was okay in the end want it? Yes, you have lots more to discuss, but you got lots off your mind and is well on your way to finding out even more answers and knowledge to equipp yourself. I just couldnt go to bed without saying well done. im really pleased for you.]
My eyes are closing as i write this................ zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Brilliant brilliant posts, Poet!!!!!!!!! I related to so many things you wrote and one in particular about suicides.
Last year when I was very ill, I was so scared because I kept having suicidal thoughts - even though I didnt want to commit suicide . I developed a massive fear of sucide, which even if I heard about the subject it be it on the news or in the paper, would make me have a panic attack and be sick. Thats how bad it was. I even hate the word.
The Saturday night 3 or 4 weeks ago when I had a panic attack - I am sure it was triggered by watching a programme where in it a woman had committed suicide! It was moments later that I had my first panic attack since last August.
I am getting better with hearing about suicides now that I am on citalopram ,but I am not comfortable with it, nor comfortable even now typing about it. It fills me with fear - fear that I will run out of the house and jump off the nearest bridge and yet I dont want to at the same time.
Last year I had overwhelming urges to kill myself and yet again I didnt want to. It was like I was possessed and then when that stopped due to me controlling my thoughts and using CBT techniques, I developed a fear of suicide.
Some days I am really happy, getting on with things and then WHAM out of nowhere I get a thought about how maybe I should just commit suicide. I hate it and I wish it would go away. I truly would never harm myself because despite anxiety and agoraphobia I do love life and look forward to the future. I dont feel depressed. Its like having a black cloud waiting to home in on over me...My therapist said its a fear of fear.
I am going to read the rest of your posts - They are really good and very well written !
Popperoonie, or can I just call you Roonie from now on. I know exactly how you feel when you say hearing about suicide etc, even in a drama program, makes you stress out. Talking about it now is difficult for me to deal with so I'm gonna class this as a "learning experience" -- you're now watching an actual attempt by me to overcome a deep-rooted fear!
I watched Supernatural the other day and there were a couple of suicides on that. Strange how something that I normally don't think twice about has become a problem.
I also have sudden, upsetting thoughts, "What happens if I fall so far I want to kill myself? What happens if my brother ever becomes suicidal? What happens if I bump into a suicidal person in the street?"
Fear of death is normal and even healthy to a point as it encourages people to do more in their allotted time. I think our fear of suicide is simply an unrealistic, distorted attempt by our subconscious minds to explore the subject of mortality. It's also the one way we know that will definitely get us away from our problems. I'm willing to bet that if we had an alternative way to get rid of all our problems instantly, we'd choose to think about that instead of morbid things!!
If it's any consolation I think it does get easier over time. You press a raw bruise, it hurts like hell, press it three days later and you barely feel it. Emotional bruises like ours are the same, they just take longer before the pain stops and the healing process takes over. :)
EDIT: I've got more venting to do about my "bad memories" from over the past 2 months. This could take a counselling session on its own. I think I'll make a post in this thread later on tonight. I want to get this stuff out of my head as it is a problem for me and I still haven't been able to move on from it. Today's the day folks, all problems will be tackled!!
You know what, I have actually been feeling close to "normal" today. I still see this is a "fledgeling" feeling, like I'm made of glass and my good mood could shatter -- I'm just enjoying the good feeling.
It makes me question the nature of depression. Is it actually a tangible illness, is it a series of biological changes, or is it simply unhappy thoughts that get out of control? How can they take possession of us? In other words, how the hell does depression work?
I suppose if we knew that, we could cure it permanently with a course of treatment, right? ;)
Hi Poet
I am glad you are feeling close to 'normal' today - I hope it lasts a while for you.
No! dont call me Roonie - It reminds me of that awful football player - Wayne Rooney! I like Popperoonie! :yesyes: No offence to Man Utd supporters! :winks: Call me anything you want to - within reason of course!
I found your post very helpful! Maybe my fear of suicide is that because I get massively anxious (although much better than what I was) that I am worried it may get worse (however I now take medication so it shouldnt do) and that I may end up harming myself. I have never harmed myself in my life - and never attempted to - nor want to. I suppose it is the fear of What If (I am what if'ing again!) I get much worse and end up completely crazy and kill myself.
I am always looking out for the worst case scenario. I am the 'Queen of What If'ing'
I want to live until I am 100 and have a lot of hope for the future and I love life no matter how unwell I get but its this one thing of 'What If' I go mad and end up throwing myself off a bridge or something.
My boyfriend has told me that 1) I wont overdose as I hate taking tablets and have a fear of choking and it takes me about 10 minutes to swallow 1 tiny tablet 2) I dont like heights 3) I cant physically harm myself as I hate pain and the sight of blood. 4) I cant drink myself to death as more than 1 glass of drink and I am really sick :wacko:
Poet - Does your brother live with you? Maybe you see his suffering and that obviously worries you about yourself too. How is he? Is he aware of his illness? You sound like a lovely caring brother.
Maybe my fear of suicide is that because I get massively anxious (although much better than what I was) that I am worried it may get worse (however I now take medication so it shouldnt do) and that I may end up harming myself. I have never harmed myself in my life - and never attempted to - nor want to. I suppose it is the fear of What If (I am what if'ing again!) I get much worse and end up completely crazy and kill myself.
I often feel better after reading your comments cos you seem to be experiencing the same thoughts and feelings I am. I haven't harmed myself ever and I used to buzz about life up until a couple of months ago. I am finding that this buzz is returning slowly and painfully, it's under constant attack from my doubts and fears, but I am starting to fight back in a strong way.
I feel so mixed up and confused by the way I have felt lately and now that I am starting to come out of it I am more scared than ever; the riskiest part is when you start getting your verve back cos then you can either carry on getting better or sink back lower. I will not allow myself to sink lower so what am I scared of?
I'll post more on this later when I get a minute.
To answer Poppy's question in another thread, I'm not going to vent about bad memories/poor expectations tonight as I have had a good day with only a couple of brief lapses. I don't want to rock the boat this close to bedtime.
I have felt two notable occurrences of "fear/depression" feelings today and I managed to crush them fairly quickly.
There is so much I want to sort out. Now that the worst seems to be over I am left confused and scattered, trying to figure out what went wrong and why I fell down like this. There are so many things I "need" to know. I need to know the reasons behind it, I need to know why my depression exists. I need answers. The thing is there are not always neat and tidy answers in life. Maybe this is something I will come to terms with and move on from. I feel like I've returned home after a monsoon and found everything smashed and floating gently in the water. You can see the devastation left behind, it's a matter of rebuilding, but you are questioning the storm that caused it all. Where did it come from? Why me? Will I be able to put things back together the way they were or is this damage permanent?
I dunno, I get philosophical when I'm tired, so I am going to sign off here and pick up tomorrow.
EDIT: Remind me that I need to talk about the times of day that I wake up cos that is something else that I really want to deal with, just not now!
I don't know if this thread is helping or triggering anyone else but it is certainly making ME feel better :D
"Depression is a sh*t that needs wiping up"
This diary is such a big help, I am really glad I started it!!
When I first became depressed I couldn't talk about it and even when I did discuss it on NMP, somehow I didn't get much sense of "relief" by discussing things online. Over time I realised that both of my citalopram threads were making a gradual difference -- they have helped me immeasurably -- and now I find that this thread is doing the same thing.
I must extend thanks to Danny_Dingle who was the first member I had a real-time chat with on this site and I offloaded all my thoughts and feelings onto her. She has been so strong for me and my recovery received a massive boost the day I made friends with her. Hell, she had made my whole life seem brighter, almost to the point where it feels like it used to be! Please thank her for me in this thread: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=49441
I feel that I've done a lot to help people here (this is the first and only time I blow my own trumpet!) and Danny has kept me on the road to recovery; I want to bring as many people with me as I can along the same road (think of it as evacuating walking wounded from a warzone into safety!) and I was floundering until Danny got me back on my feet. Everyone I help from now on has therefore been helped by Danny as well.
Anyway, on to this morning's lesson. I'm out of time so I can't get into the meaty stuff, but something I realised for the first time last night:
It isn't that I don't have things to do in my spare time. In some ways, I've got too much to do, and I end up not being able to decide between it all so I end up sitting on the computer listening to music and visiting NMP 9the easy option).
I literally have loads of hobbies: I like cars, I like going out for drives, I am in love with my new nitro-powered monster truck, I've got hundreds of books and dozens of computer games, I am literally surrounded by cool stuff and I kind of get paralysed! This also links into my "everything is a waste of time" problem that is a genuine pain in the a*se.
I've updated my list of problems to resolve in the post above.
Is anyone getting anything from this thread? Anything seem familiar or useful to people?
I am really starting to need to tell my life story. Most of this stuff goes right back to my childhood and many of my present problems have always been here in some form or another. I'll post my life story in a different thread when I get the opportunity -- probably today.
I'm going to use counselling to tell my life story and deal with my personality and my life. I'm going to use MIND to find a way past my current problems and get support and encouragement as I continue to recover. I will use NMP and Samaritans to vent if necessary and keep my courage up!
Things I used to do and want to do again
* Enjoy waking up early.
* Enjoy spending time alone around the house without needing the reassurance of other peoples' company, or without having to spend hours on NMP seeking comfort and reassurance.
* Enjoy spending time in the house without freaking out.
* Be able to go out alone.
* Be able to trust myself and not worry that I'm going to keep myself trapped in a state of fear; reduce my reliance on other people.
* Feel that excitement and enthusiasm for life and for exploration: the "Friday feeling" and "Saturday feeling". (These are coming back in fits and starts, hopefully they will soon be permanent!)
* Appreciate all the good things I've got and use them and enjoy them.
* Be able to think ahead and plan my future without negative expectations or bad memories of the past.
Hi all, if anyone is still reading this stuff I'm sorry my posts are all so long and punishing lol. I'll try to split my posts up a bit from now on.
I made an early attempt to discuss my backstory and figure out some of my current problems. This was at the end of March when I was in a really bad state. I have listed most or all of the triggering events which led to me going into depression. None of what is posted there should trigger anyone else and it is not written in a morbid style so hopefully people will be able to enjoy it and maybe learn something about themselves through my experiences.
My attempts to resolve my problems at that time were not successful. What I should have done was speak to Samaritans or visit Mind (as well as posting my thread here) and I could have made progress a lot sooner; but I felt too low and was not in a state for travelling to Rotherham to visit Mind.
That thread can be found here: Hope and Fear: My Story (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=46265)
To be honest this thread develops into an interesting discussion which encouraged other members to join in. Please post your own stories in that thread if you think it will help you. We'll take this journey together.
Hi all, I notice that when my anxiety or depression start to return I get a bubbling, fizzing sensation in my head and/or in my chest, like an actual physical symptom, as if I've been poisoned. I also seem to get headaches at the same time. This bothers me more than it should given that the doctor has told me it is just a somatic symptom and does not indicate anything to worry about.
I have had a good day today, I got up earlier than I have in weeks and went downstairs to play the Xbox. I had a good morning playing driving games and chatting to my family, just generally chilling out. This is a significant step for me as I have usually been at my worst in the mornings and I haven't dared to get up early. I used to love being up before anyone else and having an hours' peace and quiet.
I bolstered myself by listening to my much-loved mp3 player. What a wonderful idea it was to dig that out, dust it off and load it with inspirational music. It has been my friend and companion and has helped to chase the chatterbox away on many occasions.
I am hoping that my depression and anxiety are on the run now and I am actually getting better. I feel that progress has been made in the last few days. I've been chatting to friends old and new on Facebook and I am even wanting to start writing stories for the first time in eight weeks. Let's see if this positive mood keeps up.
I was hoping for a bit more input and encouragement from other members in this thread. I suppose non-depressed members avoid this forum like I used to, and those who do visit the depression forum have already got a lot to deal with.
I'm not complaining, I just feel like it would benefit me if I could talk about this with someone as I don't feel that I can discuss depression with my friends or family, and I haven't got any online friends to discuss it with any more.
I need some help with my life story thread as well if anyone wants to help me out: Hope and Fear: My Story (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=46265)
Well I suppose it was inevitable, but after a full day of feeling good all the time I am experiencing today's "down" moment... I do think there is some depression in me, it isn't all anxiety, but I am going to beat it!
Poet, Just thought I'd say, thanks & chin up! you're doing so well and in my 4-5 days of reading these forums, your posts are an inspiration
Thank you Suzy :D
There is so much to say about what I am going through, nearly all of it is positive, I've had such a good day today. I have been virtually free of worry. The problems do persist and I am ready for counselling on Friday. There is a lot still to do, that's why I spent ages yesterday getting everything in order.
My main problem is, and has perhaps always been, anxiety. I do have some depression but this is caused by my anxiety, not the other way around as I have always thought -- I have spent my whole life thinking I am a depressive person when actually I am anxious.
Things make so much more sense now. It's like I am finally seeing myself for who I really am. This "voyage of discovery" stuff is blowing my mind, I feel like I've spent all my life looking for who and what I am and I am finally finding out now after all these long and painful years. I feel like I should listen to patriotic music or something :D
Hi Poet!
I have enjoyed all your posts and find them really interesting. It's good to hear other peoples thoughts and experiences.
I suffer from major anxiety (all day long) evening finally calm down usually.
The list you made about things you used to do and want to do again could have been written by me.
I have had this major anxiety/panic for about 7 months now, although I have had anxiety symptoms for years only I didn't realize what was going on. Maybe if I had I wouldn't have got to this stage.
I have had a couple if spells of better days. Then bang, it all falls apart again. Shaking like a leaf even writing this now. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. My world has become so small. :weep:
Hi Poet,
Please keep writing your posts. like others have said I really connct with what you have to say.
And Mojo. I know exactly what you mean. I didnt know what was wrong with me really for yearsn only that I new I wasnt right mentally...and I agree with you. I wish I had done something about it years ago as it might not have been so bad as it is now
Hi
I don't suffer with depression but I do with anxiety. I have done all the self help, the anti anxiety diets,the herbal supplements, the exercise, the relaxation, the researching the subject and counselling there is, however for me personally, I find the medication I am taking, it the one thing that has helped the most. I feel really good now apart from the side effects which I can cope with.
I got through a breakdown without meds, but looking back I realise it may not have been so drawn out and not so agonising, if I had just taken medication.
I think once we have diagnosed anxiety and depression (clinical depression) that it is there for life, some times its better than others and sometimes not, and sometimes it goes away again, only to come back at a later date. This is why I turned to medication to help. I don't ever want to come off it now.
In my experience of knowing people in my family who take meds for depression and anxiety, and then came off them, that it later returned for them. I have a brother and sister in USA who have been on medication for absolutely years and every single time they come off it within months they then get really depressed and anxious again. They both see their private therapist every week and have been doing so for years too. The others in my family are on medication too. (prozac and paroxetine) I am not going to chance it coming off so hopefully I will stay on mine until I am ancient.
I guess this doesn't apply to every individual case but I have long given up on finding a 'cure' - I simply believe that being anxious or depressed or both can be just part of a persons genetic make up and we have to find ways to cope and deal with it, so as to make it less disabling for us, rather than try beating ourselves up in trying to find 'the cure' that will make us free of it forever more, because I have never heard of nor met a person yet who suffered with anxiety and depression and then suddenly stopped suffering, without medication, forever more. It would be amazing if there was 1 thing that could cure depression and anxiety for life, but maybe that is taking having to take medication, like some people have to for life for any other medical condition that they may have.
As the battle against anxiety continues I realise that I have definitely been depressed during the last couple of months but my anxiety has always been worse. I think the scores of 7 for depression and 18 for anxiety which you can find on this page of my citalopram thread (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=45973&page=18) are accurate; I think that if I'd taken that test a few weeks ago my anxiety would have been into the 20s and my depression score might have reached into the teens. I do think that this shows a lot of progress; it's nice to hve something tangible to show you where you are and how far you've come.
Tiredness does seem to be a trigger for my "depressive" moments. It robs me of the ability to regulate my emotions. I become angry, easily provoked, very easily annoyed, frustrated, quick to snap and generally a gimp. Stress quickly becomes anxiety which can turn into depression. I do not get like this much when I am not tired.
I'm tired today. Late night, early start.
At this point I haven't got much to write about depression. I have been anxious again, I can feel it in my chest, it's like something is alive inside me and acts without my control or consent. I'm posting more about this here. (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=45973)
I will update this thread after counselling on Friday. If anything else occurs to me in the meantime I will post that here as well.
Wow, long time no update. I have got a question about something I'm going through.
I find that there are times when I feel scared and upset and down, and sometimes it makes me feel desperate like I want to cry or run away, or like I'm trapped. Does this mean I am experiencing depression?
I still have this fear that I'm suddenly going to develop serious depression and become suicidal. I haven't been able to beat this fear yet. My counsellor thinks that it is still too close to the time when I was at my worst and she says the fear has not had time to calm down. Does this sound right? I suppose I need someone to tell me it will get better.
ElizabethJane
06-06-09, 18:22
Dear Psychopoet your depression is still a very real memory in your mind. It is recent history. These feelings that you will suddenly be struck down by suicidal depression are not suddenly going to go away. For some reason you need to remind yourself that you have been seriously ill and are not out of the woods yet. My guess is that is the memory of these feelings and not the true feeling that you are experiencing. I might however be completely wrong. It is very normal to fear relapse and the skills that you are learning from your counselling will stop this occuring. Relapse for some of us including myself is a very real part of trying to stay well. It is nothing to be ashamed of. You are not letting anybody down if this does happen. I have to stop here but I will try to continue later.
Hi ElizabethJane, thank you for your reassuring reply, I feel better for it :D
I have never actually been suicidal, although I have threatened it before to get sympathy (this was a long time ago). The idea of death has not bothered me for years so suicide held no fear or fascination, it was something I never even thought about and it certainly did not cause me any distress. It's only since I have become ill with anxiety/depression that suicide and mortality have been bugging me -- just one more trick my anxiety uses to make me feel like crap.
I agree that the memory of my worst anxious/depressive moments is still alive in my mind, and they hurt me nearly as much now as they did three months ago. When I speak about this, people agree that the memories should grow less painful and easier to confront as time passes. In the meantime, I get the impression that I am going to have to lump it and try to ignore these negative thoughts.
It isn't easy, but then again, once I learn how to do it I will practically be cured, so it's no wonder this is so tough.
Have you checked with your doctor about all the supplements you are taking? You seemed to be taking an awful lot - some vitamins can be toxic in large quantities, you know. Don't mean to scare you, but it would definitely be a good idea to tell your doc what you are taking, if you haven't done so already. it does get better - I was depressed horrendously and suffering in a similar way, and I am now much better -still a bit too much of a thinker, but I think I have come to terms with the fact that I always will be. Hope you start feeling better too.
Thumbelina
07-06-09, 07:10
Wow, long time no update. I have got a question about something I'm going through.
I find that there are times when I feel scared and upset and down, and sometimes it makes me feel desperate like I want to cry or run away, or like I'm trapped. Does this mean I am experiencing depression?
I still have this fear that I'm suddenly going to develop serious depression and become suicidal. I haven't been able to beat this fear yet. My counsellor thinks that it is still too close to the time when I was at my worst and she says the fear has not had time to calm down. Does this sound right? I suppose I need someone to tell me it will get better.
Poet,
I would like to confess , that I also have developed at some stage a fear of becoming suicidal, because it was always my perceprion that depression always associates with suicide.
And even pronouncing this word makes the person suicidal already.
I hope that this is my misconceprion.
Hi everyone, thank you for your replies.
I am taking quite a few supplements. It hasn't done me any harm so far, I've been taking most of them for a month, but I might reduce my daily dose of inositol cos I am going through it so quickly and nobody knows the long term effects of high doses.
I was taking lots of vitamin B and I am going to halve my dose of that as well.
Thumbalina, that's also why I have this fear of suicide. I associate depression with self-harm and suicide. The statistics show that only a tiny percentage of depressed people become suicidal, and of those, only a tiny percentage actually attempt it. Of the people who DO try it, most of them survive their attempt.
I think the literature on suicide and depression is "alarmist". It upsets me and makes me feel scared. While it is important that people take depression, self-harm and suicide seriously, I don't think there is anything wrong with trying to sound optimistic. If the stuff I've read was more hopeful and less doomy, I might not have developed such a fear.
As soon as I find some effective way of dealing with this phobia I will let everyone know! Now I know why medical researchers take forever to cure illnesses, it is such a difficult and painful process to find cures!
Ok in the last couple of days I have reduced from 6 tablets of inositol per day to 3. I only take vitamin B occasionally. I still take 3 omega-3 pills per day. I have stopped taking the other supplements regularly.
I have been suffering from diaorrhea and mild stomach pains which are probably a bug or caused by anxiety. This was the main reason I cut down on my supplements -- just in case they are causing it.
I am still suffering from distressing thoughts and these have raised my stress levels. It seems that after battling through all sorts of problems, the "distressing thoughts" issue is now the most serious threat to my recovery. I have been having a tough time since counselling on Friday and I have not been able to relax as much this week. It's a shame -- I had a very good week last week, the best in months.
There are all sorts of reasons why I am so stressed out, all boiling down to the same thing: I cannot stop myself from having these negative thoughts because I secretly believe them. That's why they hang around so much and that's why they cause so much pain.
I have tried to deal with these thoughts but I can only do it a bit at a time because they cause me a lot of distress and facing them has not helped much so far. I feel like I keep having small, running battles and I get chased away every time.
This doesn't mean I have lost the war. The war is just getting started.
I am going to start a new thread tonight explaining my thoughts and hopefully over time it will become a "how to" guide for beating them. I am going to need a lot of support; I hope and pray that people here will stand by me.
I would like to be able to help you with these distressing thoughts,as I can identify with some of them.Do you know where the thoughts of suicide and death stem from? or is it just random thoughts down to the anxiety monster with no rhyme or reasoning behind them ? Is it something you have always worried about or is it a recent problem?.You say your Dad was ill,but did this start before that? Sorry for all the questions ,Sue
Hi Suzy-Sue, I really appreciate your offer of help and would like to take you up on it. I feel like I stand a better chance of beating them if I have the reassurance of a friend, and if we work together then we can fix both of us :)
I was going to start a new thread about my distressing thoughts so we can reach out to others with the same problem. I can't do it now, I'll be back online shortly to discuss it. Thank you again for offering to help.
I need to do some venting today! I created a thread on distressing thoughts (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?p=512317) if anyone wants to help. I would be very grateful!
I *may* have dealt with my other issues to some extent, as these distressing thoughts have now become my main problem. (Anyone got any thoughts about this? Am I just replacing one set of problems with another, or could I really be moving on from the old problems?)
I was made redundant last year and there has been almost constant bad news in my life since. My dad is ill (not seriously, it's just distressing to see him in a state), people I know have died or been diagnosed with terminal cancer.
I have never really been happy in my life, I've always been moody, angry and melancholy, I have always worked in jobs that I hate and it makes me not want to even bother looking for another one. It's only in the last couple of years that I have "cheered up" and dropped my angry moods and started to enjoy life more.
My memories are tinged with the unhappiness I always felt -- even though by many peoples' standards I have led a good life. I felt like it was wrong to be happy, I had no confidence, and although I have increased my confidence and learned to enjoy life, ever since I became anxious a few months ago I've been back to square one. I feel like my whole life has been one unhappy sprint for the finish line.
I feel like I am always going to be unhappy cos I don't believe positive thoughts about myself. My ability to stay hopeful has diminshed in the last few months while I've been suffering. Whenever I'm happy, my mood gradually gets sucked back down into the mud.
I feel flat or unhappy most of the time. I'm not sure if I am depressed as I haven't been formally diagnosed and the tests I recently took suggest I am anxious rather than depressed. I just feel hopeless. Has anyone got any thoughts or uplifting words? Do you think I am depressed or am I simply in a bad place at the moment?
Quiet-Lift
10-06-09, 17:51
Hi PsychoPoet
I'm going to be honest with you. I haven't read all your posts properly. I'm too weary today and am moving and thinking at a snail's pace.
You've got a lot going for you. I can see that you are working really hard and I know it will pay off in time. I don't know how this payment will arrive and perhaps the reward will come in a way that you don't expect...such is life.
I once read that you should never expect any help or reward to equal the weight of your efforts. Perhaps this means that you won't be disappointed or angry if the results don't match up to what you hoped for.
You'll just have to accept these setbacks. I know it can seem impossible when you are kicking yourself with negative thoughts but why not review what you've done so far?
Your posts are incredible. Superbly written. I'm stunned by the level and quality of the self-exploration you've made.
Sorry to hear about your father. I can relate to the distress you must feel when seeing him unwell because I had similar feelings when one of my brother's became seriously depressed and deteriorated to such an extent that I had to help with his admission to hospital. Very upsetting.
It just seems like your going through a bad patch to me and you didn't say that you feel flat or unhappy all the time, which is worth remembering.
I hope this helps. I feel like I'm up to my neck in Kaka right now and have been blubbering like a sick puppy and filling tissues with mucous as I contemplate all the personal papers I have to sort out.:weep:
Hey, you have a great car. Going for a drive must help, especially if you can get out to the countryside. I envy you.
Take care mate.
Thanks mate, that was a wonderful reply, say hello to my buddy list :D
I also phoned Samaritans about this problem and the bloke I spoke to cheered me up so much. He agreed with you, Quiet-Lift, saying that I have made progress. He said I have just encountered another obstacle on the road to recovery. I've beaten everything so far, I just needed other people to tell me I can beat this too, cos out of the problems I have faced these negative thoughts are the most insidious and threatening.
Well Quiet-Lift, you are officially under PsychoPoet protection now, I will cover your back while you deal with your depression. You have my word!
http://i138.photobucket.com/albums/q255/nopoet406/2iwafx5.jpg
Quiet-Lift
14-06-09, 04:06
Hi Adam:)
It's a great comfort to know I'm under Psychopoet protection.
I'm glad you got confirmation from the Samaritan guy. The sheer volume of your work on this site leaves me speechless. It's all too much but don't let me put you off. Keep on typing!
My ability to read text and navigate this site as thoroughly as I would wish is limited by the poor concentration which my Depression and Anxiety inflict on me. I'm also nearly as old and grumpy as Gimli so I may have to skip a lot of what you say. :winks:
I've got a couple of self-help books on the boil and have to ration my reading focus for these. Why not gather everything you've posted and keep it for future reference? It would make a really interesting journal.
Take care mate. Be safe.
Hi mate, much of what I write is blabbering crap anyway so you're not missing much ;)
Quiet-Lift
17-06-09, 05:13
Hi PsychoPoet
Ah the truth at last!
Self-effacing humour. Nobody does it like the British.
Thanks mate.You put a smile on my face.:D
Nothing like a good blabber I say. If it's crap, it's good crap, and that's what counts.
Take care
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