i agreed because i was scared

[lonely]

and now im in bits, i want to die i really do, i had a meeting with gp cpn and psychiatrist today and they mentioned about this http://www.therapeuticcommunities.org/index.php?option=com_sobi2&sobi2Task=sobi2Details&catid=6&sobi2Id=40&Itemid=27
well cpn did and now im in pieces i cant stop crying i can't breathe i had group cbt last year it didnt work even the people running it said they knew from start grop therapy wasn't for me :weep: i felt scared to say no to it, incase they thought i wasn't trying :weep: this is similiar to something else i was going to be refered to few months back and in end said no after it made me feel really poorly and this reads as if its similiar

i just can't breath right now, its hour and biut away i can't afforrd buses either and its 5days a week, the thing making me feel better my garden ill have to leave
i was scared if said no id be left to rot with no help at all

and now i feel like this bad and can't get hold of anyone now i tred phoning pshychiatrist left a message hope they could understand it when listened to :weep: i can't do this anymore i can't fight its just too hard,id rather go back to where i worked even though im not ready and ask for my job back, which was always promised but then i know ill get bad again and have to give it up
:weep: :weep: :weep: i am a complete and utter failure and the world would probrably be better off without me, i wish i wasn't even born in first place

and this afternoon cpn was phoning to refer me there, no time for me to check online what it was all about it was made to sound like me and a therapist not going into groups of 11-20 etc im scared gp would not be happy if they found out how i feel
i havnt eaten i thing at all today, the last 2 weeks ive been making myself sick to get rid of it, ive really had enough
i was asked what i thought would help and didnt have an idea i wanted to say about cpn helping me to get out by say going to shops during week or something with me was too frightened to speak at all and i never had any other ideas

[Reggie]

I know you're worried about it, but I think you telling the professionals looking after you the truth is absolutely fine, they shouldn't judge you for feeling this way - I'm sure they've heard it all before a hundred times.

There may be a good reason that they want you on this course, it may be what they think will really help you?? I don't think they'd want you to make yourself ill over the prospect of going though with it - honesty is the best policy here. Tell them what you've told us, that you agreed because you are scared.

You are not a failure, far from it - you're just searching for a way to make yourself better, and that takes strength in my opinion.

Let us know how it goes, Lonley. :hugs:

[lonely]

ive just spoke to dad for first time ever about how i really dont want to do it, we spoke about how we can see the doctors think it may hep but as group things in past have never really helped etc it is a no no for me, dad said if i ever want back up he'll come gp's with me or mum but mum will just get confused so best dad
i dont know what has happened to the cbt one to one referral it seems to have gotten forgotten about or huge waiting list

[lonely]

ok it is one to one therapy, but its still too far away i can't travel over an hour and more walking getting bus then walk again then another bus then walk again, no one can take me and buses cost too much money, what am i meant to say to docs to get them understand i can't do this, i remember when i saw pshychologist one to one it was ended after third appointment because they felt like they were torturing me and i got worse through seeing them and them suggesting referrals i self harmed more after that, and as soon as i saw cpn firtst day referrals where mentioned which made me scared of them too, i seem to get referred to see someone then they suggest referring me to something else i can't take much more of this :weep:

spoke to pshychiatrist and they said ti may be like when first met me first scared but now better, yes but its not soo far away and constant bus journeys and i can't afford that if im there from 9am to 4pm add on hour journey or more before and after which could be before 8am or earlier i really do want to be rather off not here anymore:scared15:

[PoppyC]

Hi Lonely
How are you feeling today? What has happened today regarding the course?
If you really don't feel that it is for you, then just tell the people involved. Don't be forced into something that you are not comfortable with, because whatever help you receive, you have to feel comfortable and not stressed out. It sounds a good course, but I can understand if it is not for you, plus all the travelling too.
How are you?