Confused about relationship

[Eva May]

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years. We used to live together and then things got messy and he moved away and after a quick break up we got back together again but he stayed away and we had a 40 mile distance relationship. I only saw him on the weekends for about 5 yrs bcos I couldn't travel to him. In Jan of this yr he moved back to where I am but we don't live together bcos of my panic. Anyway ever since he moved back I'm feeling like I don't want to be with him anymore and I'm not really sure why. We've come close to splitting a few times but I've always panicked at the last min and so we didn't. I'm reassuring him now that we're fine but I don't think that's true. I'm way too afraid to make such a permanent decision bcos I know if we break up we won't be able to be just friends, he's even said he would prob leave the country if we broke up. I'm so confused and I can't move one way or the other - break up or be 100% in the relationship. I'm not confident that I can make the right decision and how the hell do you end a 9 yr relationship? :weep:

[SarahP]

Eva May,

Can I first of all send a big hug :hugs: for you!

Second, I know the kind of feelings you have, as I have them about my boyfriend of two years. When things go well, they go really well, but when I'm suffering from my GAD I can panic over everything to do with our relationship, and we're currently not seeing each other much, as I'm trying to concentrate on getting myself sorted out before I can focus on the relationship again.

Obviously yours is a much longer-term relationship than mine, and I won't pretend to offer you much advice as I don't know any more about your situation or whether it is your anxiety that triggers these thoughts or whether there are problems in the relationship.

All I can say is that I'm learning that my anxiety is caused by things within myself that I need to work on, and whenever I've got myself sorted in the past, things with Jon (my bf) have fallen back into place.
If your bf has been with you for 9 years I'm sure he's very supportive and understanding, so why not try just asking for some space for yourself and saying you'll return to the relationship if it feels right when you're more like yourself again? if he puts unnecessary pressure on you, talking about leaving the country if you break up, you don't need that and it is unfair of him to do so.

If he loves you he will want you to get yourself better, not sacrifice your mental well-being to keep him happy in the short-term.

I'm gonna say what everyone has told me when I stress about this issue - give yourself a break :) . I know, I know, easier said than done for us, but the sooner you take time for yourself, the sooner things will become clearer in every other area of your life.

If you ever need to talk, I'm here. I just saw your post and wanted to let you know you're not alone!

Big hugs again :hugs:

Take care

Sarah xx

[Eva May]

Hi Sarah, thanks for that. I did suggest a bit of a break but it only set off his bipolar which just put extra stress on us. That's a huge part of it too. He's not into being social whereas I am. I don't see my friends very much which is another reason I'm putting off making any decisions, I don't want to be completely alone. Hope things work out for you too :)

[purplehaze]

Hi

Its never easy breaking up and harder when you have been with someone for so long. I think from what you are saying the relationship has run its course and now its staying out of habit and the fear of being alone and starting over again. From my own experience its always better doing what is best for yourself because if your not happy in the relationship you'll never be content.

As hard as it is to make the break, in some sense you may have already done it in your mind but not made that final step.

I truly hope all goes well for you

kev

[Bill]

When I met my wife 19 years ago, she was already suffering from her mental illness but well enough to get back into society. I thought I loved her and I thought I could help her. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life alone but I also didn't want to make her so ill again that she ended up back in hospital. Looking back now, I married her for the wrong reasons and ended up trapping myself in a relationship where she could never give me the things that would be provided in a normal relationship.

In some ways you are walking my road so if you stay together make sure you stay together for the Right reasons. i.e. for love and support by both halves.:hugs:

[mau]

Staying with someone out of fear of being alone is wrong on so many levels, I know from personal experience.

I married my husband when I was 18 I was so lonely within that relationship that I tried to commit suicide when I was 19.

I stayed with him and when I was 24 I had my first child when I was 26 I had my second child and suffered really bad postnatal depression.

I had no friends, no contact real with my family and was desperately lonely. My husband was a grand master at chipping away at my self esteem. Yet to all and sundry including my family I was a nutter.

Eventually when my husband stopped paying the kid's school fees and pulled them out of their school. I decided something had to be done. He told me he had a contract out on me and I would never know when or what hit me. He was a prison officer at the time. Naturally I was very afraid.

Cutting a long story short I took control of my life. I Looked after my children and ignored my husband completely. I slept downstairs and started using his words and threats against him when he got violent....I was empowered. I was taking action., I was not afraid of being alone any more.

I started an engineering course at college and he went ballistic the day I started, I laughed at him. he had no power over me.

I told my kids I was leaving their dad and gave them the option of who they wanted to live with.

Those kids were little stars they never told their dad where I was when I was decorating the new place.

The night before I left he came home from the pub all arrogant and up his own arris and I calmly told him I was leaving the following day.

I walked out of the family home with no money, no furniture just me my kids and the dog.

Being alone and lonely without a partner was not a scary as living with someone I did not like or want to be with.

[purplehaze]

MAU

God bless you xx

[mau]

Thanks purplehaze it happened over 12 years ago but I now live with the anxiety / legacy of those times.

Plus the anger at myself for being so weak I gave him permission to manipulate me in such a negative way.

Some relationships are symbiotic and not healthy for either partner.

[PoppyC]

Mau
I read your post and was really moved. You went through all that! I have nothing to moan about in comparison. You are not a weak person - far from it!
You sound like a strong person. You have come this far and you should be full of admiration for yourself. Sometimes its not easy to leave a relationship that is bad for us, it can take time and courage to leave and when you have children its less easy. Its very easy to look back and think why didnt I leave him earlier, but you had your reasons, and eventually when the time was right for you, then you left. Well done! You didnt stay and you are not in that same abusive relationship today - thats what counts.
Dont allow someone like your ex to make you feel bad - I bet hes not feeling bad! As long as you are still allowing those past circumstances to affect you today then you are still letting him abuse you to a point even though he has gone. I know its easier said than done but draw a line under it, and look at what you have achieved. I think you should be really proud of yourself!

[Eva May]

Wow mau, well done. My situation is nothing like that. My boyfriend really is the nicest man but there's a 20 year age gap with us too which I've always told him would never matter to me but I think it's starting to. I'm 27, he's 47. I'm scared that I'll panic if I do it because there will be no going back. I do still love him but it's not the same. My anxiety is stopping me because I don't think my friends will be enough to help me through and I can't go anywhere and make new ones. I know it's not a good reason but it seems to be why I;m stuck

[mau]

Eva May I was scared witless about leaving my husband and it took years for me to pluck up the courage to do it.


You can move on and once you decide to, it's not as scary as you envisage.

In fact it's quite exciting.:hugs: