Still suffering!

[mothermac]

Posted a few weeks ago regarding how I was feeling about things,and not knowing if I am a victim of P.T.S.D.
My father died when I was 11 and I am now 42 yrs old with my own daughter and I am going through some form of acute anxiety which I think could be linked but I don't know for sure.When the initial event happened I was upset of course, but I remember being more frightened of how it was affecting my mother and what she was going through than how I was feeling.I am an only child and have always felt quite introvert and nervy even when he was alive.Anyway to cut a long long story short so I don't bore folk the yrs have gone passed and I have coped with life normally,have had normal things happen to me and have been married for the past 16 yrs and have a 6 yr old daughter who I love so much,BUT,and here is where it gets ugly,I have this terrible fear that eats away inside of me that something will happen to my husband and me and my little one will have to live in this world without him.He is a business manager and drives most days and the fear I feel when I know he is in that car is taking over my life.When he travels to his head office which is only half an hr up the rd I feel quite ill and will do anything to stop him going,I don't of course but I feel as though I am dying inside and suffer awful physical symptoms.I phone him(on hands free of course) which drives him mad and have a terrible time hiding it from my daughter.
Getting back to my father,I tend to cry now when I have to talk about him,and the death and everything connected to it is on my mind most days(and nights)I do not sleep at all well(he died in his sleep by the way)and suffer awful dreams sometimes connected to that event,for example I dreamt the other night that I ws queuing up to look inside his coffin,it was horrendous.At the time of his death nobody was allowed to view the body as he died abroad in a hot country whilst working and by the time he arived back in England it had been 2 weeks,I was not allowed to go the funeral either as my mother was so bad. I get very emotional when I visit the cemetary and feel quite sick inside which I cannot undertand as I have been many many times in the past 30 yrs and have not felt as bad as this.I cannot understand why I am feeling this now as way back in 1978 when it happened I wasn't too bad.I just want to talk to somebody as to how I am feeling and if this could be ptsd,my husband thinks I am an ideal candidate for it but wouldn't I have been like this when he died?and why is it affecting me now?. I feel so confused.

[june]

:hugs: :hugs:
It sounds as if you have a lot of questions about your fathers death which were never answered?
Also because of the circumstances you may not have had chance to grieve properly.
Talking to a counsellor might be a good idea - it will help you to explore the "confusing " feelings that you are having.
there is a lot of unresolved 'worry' in your post that is getting you down.
better to get it sorted if you feel that is possible.:hugs:
Best wishes
June
:hugs:

[eternally optimistic]

Hi Mothermac

Hope you are feeling a bit brighter this evening.

It does sound like you could be suffering PTSD.

Either way, you sound like YOU need need a bit of nurturing.

I am 41 and when I was 20 I had a serious road accident. I like you, sort of got on with life, got married and had kids. To many, almost everybody, that knew me, I was OK. But now looking back I was traumatised and had been suffering nervous exhaustion and anxiety for a long time, but it didnt plague my life totally.

Anyway, back to you, some counselling would probably help you. Help you release your emotions and get back to where you want to be.

Wish you well and if you want to PM me ever, feel free.

[Bill]

Hello Mothermac:hugs:

I typed a long reply to you last night but when I came to post it I got a blank screen saying the site was unavailable so I lost the lot! I couldn't even get on here to log out so it appeared I was logged in all night....ok, well, I'm up all night so that would be no surprise anyway! lol

Anyway....as the others have said, you really need to see a counsellor to help you come to terms with the trauma you suffered that has left you with unresolved issues that are now causing you such extreme anxiety.

Simply put, now that you have a husband and daughter of your own, your situation is triggering memories of your childhood related to when you lost your father and because no one helped you to cope with the trauma at the time, you repressed and bottled your grief which is now surfacing due to your present situation and so is now creating your severe anxiety. In a way, you are putting yourself in your daughters shoes because your unresolved trauma is creating so much anxiety in you so that you are now terrified of the same thing happening to her and repeating again for you. Your unresolved past is creating present day anxiety.

These days, when we lose someone very dear to us or suffer an emotional trauma, we are often more likely to be offered counselling but I feel in those days, we were just told to get on with it so people were more likely to suffer long term effects. However, I think that your mother may have been in so much distress herself, she may have been unable to give you the comfort and reassurance you needed or you may have not been able to talk to her about how you felt.

I can actually remember traumas myself when I was very young which still affect me today with bad memories but like you, I never received the help I needed. I think I tended to bottle these emotions which you may have done too. I sincerely hope that you will find a counsellor to help you through this dear Mothermac. Ask your Gp first but if they can't help, there are also "free" counsellors too who are connected to churches, charities etc who I've found to be a great help because often they aren't so strict about a certain number of sessions.:bighug1:

[Bill]

P.S. I was thinking about this more today and I've been wondering if counselling would really be enough. Counselling would help you to come to terms with your past but I've wondered whether a therapist could help you by showing you some coping techniques when you're on your own.

I know of someone in my past who suffered from ptsd and they saw who they originally thought was a psychologist but later found out he was actually a psychotherapist. Whatever he was, he helped them to get better! I honestly feel you do need to talk to your gp and push them for more help. Perhaps a combination of counselling and therapy would help you best.

The only other way would be to use self-help by resisting the urge to keep making sure your husband is ok. Sometimes seeking constant reassurance can actually feed our anxiety because it becomes a habit by seeking "immediate relief". The relief doesn't last long before it peaks again and so the rollercoaster continues. By resisting the the urge to keep ringing him, the anxious feelings should slowly subside on there own, especially if you find ways to keep your mind busy when he's out. Time then flies back and you begin a new habit.

In the same way as finding a spider in a cupboard. Your immediate reaction is the shut the door to ease your anxiety but it means you then become even more afraid every time you open another cupboard door. Peaks of anxiety eased by immediate relief.

To combat the spider is to keep the door open and learn to say "hello, what are you doing in there?", get a container, pick it up and let it out. In that way you've learnt how to cope with seeing a spider by learning how to deal with it so you're no longer afraid of it. In the same way, every time he goes out, you learn a way to cope when he's not around and so learn how to deal with it so you're no longer afraid every time he goes out.

I used to feel very anxious when I was left on my own but I created a plan of things I wanted to do with my "freedom" which then kept me so occupied that I started to focus more on getting everything done. Time flew by so I didn't get time to "think" about being alone. In time, it became a new habit so I no longer feared being alone. I admit I still have a fear of always being alone but it works for a week or more.

We like to feel "in control" of everything and everyone that's important around us because then we feel "safe". However, this makes us rigid and tense so that when we feel we've lost that control, we start feeling anxious. This is why it's so important to learn a new relaxed approach to life by accepting life for what it is. It's just much more difficult after we've suffered a bad trauma which is why we often need help to get us back on track.:bighug1:

[melody]

Have u visited the grave yet??? that helped me. I left notes there 4 my loved ones. you could talk or anything. they hear it i thin cause u r at their grave & their bodies & souls remain there.

[mothermac]

Thanks for all your replies guys,I have been to the doctors and explained all my symptoms in depth,she really listened this time and has referred me to a nervous system consultant who will find out why this is happening to me.She thinks that the symptoms I am experiencing are much more to do with a physical illness than mental although she doesn't disprove the mental involvement in what I am going through.I feel relieved that finally I will get some answers as to why I live my life feeling this way,expecially the fear about my husband driving,any treatment I get will hopefully make me feel better and be able to cope with everyday life in a much more relaxed way.