help please

[looby]

hi all,

feeling a bit low at the moment, but I am trying to convince myself that I'm just i'm feelng sorry for myself cos I've got a cold.

I did try to chat in the chat room, but didn't really get what was going on, so felt as if i was intruding.

Anyway, firstly about 3 weeks ago, I found out 1 of my best friends has got a tumour on her brain, liver and lungs after being given the all clear last year after having breast cancer.
She is only 33 and I am so scared for her and scared of loosing(? - can't spell that word sorry!) her.

She is really ill, and I have never seen her so ill before, cos when she had the breast cancer she looked and acted fine, but now she is getting all confused and is constantly wanting to sleep and isn't herself at all.

She has a little boy and she has told me that she will never se him grow up, and i don't know what to say to her at all.
I have tried acting as if I am ok, but I just can't stop thinking about her dying. I know it is going to be sooner rather than later, and I think people think i should just carry on as normal, but i am finding it hard.
I went to a wedding last week and i couldn't even enjoy myself, even though my anxiety is under control (at the moment anyway!) I just couldn't stop thinking about her dying and i was at a wedding reception. I ended up bursting into tears when they mentioned having kids and looking forward being together forever, and all i could think about was my best friend dying!
i just don't know how to act around her, or how to feel when i'm not with her. everytime the phone rings or when my other friends ring my mobile, i am terrified of it being someone telling me that she's dead.

And then there was a huge row with my brother in law and my sister (not the one whos married to him), and i have been made to act like the united nations trying to difuse the situation, going between one sister then to another and then back again and then to my mum and then to my dad, but i can't cope with it all at all. i have just told my family that my head is too much up my backside at the mo to cope with all this pathetic arguing!

If anyone has been through a similar experience i would love some advice please.

for all those who have been bored to tears, it's ok you can all wake up now it's over.

Thanks for reading,
love
looby
xx

[~Mary~]

Hello Looby, I wish I had a lot of good advice for you but I just want to say that I'm truly so sorry. I have never been in a situation quite like this, but I did go through a time when my mom was very sick with a rare case of food poisoning, that the doctors were afraid she wasnt going to make it for a couple days.

It was scary to say the VERY least, as me and my mom are very very close. But i tried to be there for her in every way that i could. and i had to be there for my little brother, who was very frightened by all of it.

My best advice is to simply be there for your friend whenever she needs you. and make sure you let her know how much she means to you even if you do cry in front of her, it only means you care. And be there for her son. And you defintely did the right thing telling your family that you couldnt take the arguing. Talk to someone understanding and let them know how hard it is for you.

Again I am so sorry and I wish my advice were more profound, but that is the best I can do. Please take care


Much love & best wishes,



~*~MaRy

[kate]

Hi Looby,

What a terribly sad situation and one that anyone would have difficulty dealing with.

One of my best friends had breast cancer and has now been clear of it for 5 years. Some of her other friends obviously didn't know how to act around her and therefore just stayed away. She has never forgotten this and tells me how much it upset her. Although you don't know how to cope with the situation when you are with her, she will appreciate you just being there. You don't have to be strong or hide your emotions, her knowing that you care will be enough.

You have done the right thing regarding your family. Leave them to sort it out themselves!

Kate x

[Sax]

Hi Looby,

I am so dreadfully sorry to hear about your friend. I agree fully with Kate's words about just being there is the most important and don't feel you have to hide your emotions because its OK to tell her how you feel.

The only other thing I think (and its just my opinion) is to try hard not to grieve for her before she has gone, try to take each day at a time and whilst she is still here remember you can still spend time with her and be there for her.

It is such a hard situation to be in but she is very lucky to have such a compassionate and caring friend and you are allowed to have all those feelings you are experiencing and you are perfectly entitled to cry and release those emotions too - it will help you be stronger with your coping abilities whilst with your friend.

Take care and we are all thinking about you and supporting you Looby.

Sax xx[8D]

[vernon]

Hi looby, so sorry to hear what you are going through and dont ever think you are intuding in chat please go back there as this forum and chat was made by nicola for people with probles, so just go back there and join in. You should be very proud of yourself staying with your friend and having all these feelings for her as the others say some people just get scared and stay away, well done. She is very lucky to have a good friend who cares like you. Sorrry we cant be much comfort to you, Its normal for you to feel this way as you are such a caring person. take care. Vernon

[Piglet]

Hi Looby,

Please do give the chat room another go - it took me quite a while to find my feet in there too but once you do its nice to pop in and say hello to friends.

It must be so hard for you at the moment and I wish I had something helpful to say. I agree with Sax about trying not to grieve for your friend before she has gone (incredibly difficult) and just take it one day at a time.

I think we would all like to be treated as normally as possible in those circumstances (I know I would) so I think by just being there and being you you are doing the right thing.

Come on here and offload whenever you need to - sending you a big hug (((((((((((((L)))))))))))))).

Love Piglet x

[Madwoman]

Hi Looby,
madwoman here, I did chat to you briefly in the chat room the other day, i hope it wasnt me who put you off cos ive only been in there a few times myself.

Really sorry to hear about your friend but I do sympathise, my dad had a bit of a health scare 2 years ago and I lost the plot completely, both my parents are still alive and are incredibly close, I am an only child and all I could think about was the incredible dread and loss if my dad died I was in bits all the time, even now after 2 years if i think about either of them dying i go to bits.
Anyway sorry if im boring you, if you see me in chat pop in and say hi, im usually in work hours (cos im always skiving)

love and laughs (if sometimes hard)

mads aka Trace xx

[Meg]

Looby,

I'm so sorry to hear of your friend being so ill and terminally ill.

Crying is your way of coping with the floods of emotions that you are feeling so if you feel the need to cry - then go for it.

Try to help your friend enjoy her remaining time as much as possible and don't stop making those good memories whilst she is able to do things together- go out to places you both like, take her son out , help her get her things in order and generally help her so she is as ready as she can be as she may soon not be strong enough.
She may just want to sit and watch telly with you .
Let her talk and if you cry together then thats fine

She should now be under the care of Macmillan nurses who you can talk to as well and also you can ring Bacup who are there to support anyone involved with cancer patients - friends included. Its freephone 0808 8001234

Make sure as soon as she gets pain it is assessed and controlled, a pain free patient is much better for everyone whos involved and its easier to match pain step by step then let it get too much and then try to get it under control.

Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

[looby]

Thank you all so very much. It has really meant a lot to me having you all replying to my message.
I am struggling trying to discuss things with boyf and family and other friends as i don't want to come across as being a drama queen or a moaner.

Again, thank you all so very much it does mean a lot.

tc
looby
xxxxx
p.s. mad woman it was n't anyone in the chat room who made me feel bad, just a bit over sensitive at the mo.