View Full Version : why me. this ruins my life.
im so angry today. im angry at myself and im angry at my body. its just not fair. why does it have to ruin my life. i am 17 years old and i am constantly turning down things i would LOVE to do. its not fair. i am meant to be living life to its fullest - not spending every minute worrying about having a panic attack.. or getting the physical symptoms that cause an attack.
i went to the doctor last week and her last words were... "try not to let it get on top of you". HELLO... i just spent the last half hour telling you how it was already on top of me.
i hate that i cant go away with all of my friends at new years because of this. my dream isnt to be a certain somebody or have a certain lifestyle.. its to be able to go away, or go out and not have to worry about panic and 'getting sick'. i dont know if that day will ever come. im already turning down plans that are months away.. and the worst thing is.. i really want to go. but i cant.. because i will get panic and i will get all the physical symptoms that come with it.. and it will ruin my holidays.
and to all the people who are thinkign right now.. well thats not going to help - thats the complete wrong frame of mind and youre not going to get anywhere with that attitude.. i just want to say - it doesnt help. it makes it worse when you say that - because believe me i have tried. SO many times. and each time has been horrible. given my record... im not risking it.
heres my story. and its embarrassing, horrible, annoying, angering and stupid.
a symptom of my anxiety is needing to go to the toilet - an upset bowel. the first symptom is a sore stomach. ive had sore stomachs since i was 10 years old... been to the doctor, nothings wrong , ultra sounds etc... anyway its horrible.. because ok for example... going to a party. on the way there i start getting nervous/excited - these nerves automatically give me a sore stomach. straight away its hard to e njoy myself obviously and its on my mind because i can physically feel it. then i start to worry that i cant use the toilet at the party because a. i dont want to stink their toilet out. b. i dont want to spend ages in there. c. the whole time im in there ill be worrying somebodies gunna come and be busting. 4. it would be highly embarrasing. 5. people need to pee alot at parties so there's always a big que and 6. the whole time id be a nervoud wreck. that is just one example.
so this brings on panic.. all the what ifs.. how will i get out of the situation.. because physically i need to have a back up plan. i mean its not just mind over matter here.. automatically im going to be excited arent i.
*sigh*
its ruining my life. i have so much to live for, so much to strrive for and this is holding me back so much. its not fair. why me... why anybody?
my doctor wont give me meds and i dont want them. theyre addictive and im too young to be on such strong drugs.. and thats not going to cure anything is it.
i hate therapy - tried CBt and didnt like it. also i cant get there because of school and private clinics are rediculously expensive.
im just angry at the moment. angry at panic. angry at my body. angry at my mind. angry at myself.
sorry to vent. i know so many people have it worse off.. but this is taking away my youth. taking away memories.. the things we treasure most.
Hi Paris,
Anxiety is so difficult to come to terms with with all its symptoms and our individuals quirks.
Having an upset bowel is a fairly common one that is probably one of the most annoying. You know that it will pass when you calm down or when you have full access to a loo.
You may already have been down the route of self help for IBS. You may not have IBS at all but the likelyhood is that help for calming down your bowel or an IBS bowel will be fairly similar.
There is a long article on IBS self help on our webpages.
I can completely relate over needing a plan B- I had similar symptoms with adrenalin charged bowels for a few months and I had to teach myself that the only way to keep them at bay was never to get too excited or panicky on a motorway - one of my personal difficulties.
It was very hard work but has been achievable. I no longer drive round with a tent in the back of a car - and you think I'm kidding .. I never needed to set it up though.
If you are to get over this - at some point you will have to put yourself at risk in order to put to the test any treatment successes you have achieved.
You could decide to do your own exposure therapy and set yourself a stepped set of challenges, maybe enlist the support of a friend for moral support and start off very gently setting up uncomfortable situations initially that you can reverse quickly and step on from there.
What didn't you like about CBT ?
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
thanks meg for understanding. posting that made me feel alot better. anxiety is really horrible and most of the time gets the better of me. i know i need to do something.. but just taking that step is too hard right now. i have school and decisions about next year to make. at the moment hiding away is easier than facing my fears. i know one day ill conquer it.. but when that day is.. i dont know yet.
Hi Paris,
I've only had one episode of, as Meg put it 'adrenline charged bowels' and can totally relate to how disruptive this can be. It lasted a good few weeks and towards the end had me in tears. I think this is what finally made my agoraphobia get worse.
I found it utterly embarassing to be out and was only grateful it was winter and my coat was big and the right colour. I laugh about it now (although tinged with a little hysteria) but because it was so bad at the time I really thought I had something terribly wrong.
I very occasionally have the odd quick urge to go to the loo and am always much more cheerful if I have managed to go at home but it took me some months not to feel panicky if the urge came when I was out, cos at its worst I needed a loo FAST or there was gonna be an almighty problem.
Rest assured this will pass as your anxiety levels lower - and I guess you may have to tell people you have IBS to help you out meantime. I have a good friend who has had patches of IBS for the twenty years I've known her and holds down a very important job and doesn't suffer from anxiety the way I do - she has absolutely no probs telling all and sundry and marching straight through queues should she need to.
I think once you have this area more under control you will regain some of your confidence about going out. I totally relate once again to that side of things even though I'm not a teenager and have recently put my name down for the cbt telephone course at NOPANIC for some extra support.
Like Meg said 'what was it you didn't like about the cbt'???
Love Piglet:)
Hey Paris, Im soooo sorry you feel like this. I know exactly what thats like and its more than horrible! I'll be 17 next month and parties and things like that are hard for me too. I'm soo tired of turning things down becuase, like you said, there things I want to do.
And dont be embarassed about that, i get the same way, and go through the same thought process, "what if I cant use a bathroom, what if people look at me wierd". the worst thing I have is nausea. Anytime I feel anxious I get a sick stomach and feel like I'm gonna throw up and at any second, which of course makes me panic. Right now this is even holding me back from school, I was supposed to start my junior year a few days ago and I havent even gone yet becuase this has gotten so bad again.
This also causes a problem with depression and I recently went to a psychiatrist that explained I was "agoraphobic" which is the fear of having a panic attack and being in a place where help is not available to you. (such as not being able to use a bathroom.) So I just started on zoloft which I took for awhile a year ago and that seemed to help.
Sorry this is so long, but i understand completely why you're so mad!!! I get mad at myself too, becuase its not fair!!! I keep thinking I'm gonna look back on my highschool years and instead of saying wow those were great, i'll have to be like, woah, those were the worst years of my life. Doctors can be frusturating, I know. And i understand why you dont want to be on medication, I didnt want to either, but after I started on them I did feel better. And there are certain ones that arent so addictive and really help. But im not saying thats what you need, i mean, obviously im not a doctor. But anyway, sorry to ramble on. I just wanted you to know that if you ever need to talk I'm here. Private message me anytime (even if its to vent on and on. lol) well take care, doll!
much love,
~*~MaRy
I understand how you feel. I had a terrible time at your age. I thought it was the end of the world when I first had a panic attack - Pull yourself together did not seen to cut it somehow: It only made me feel more abnormal. I just needed encouragement. I became very angry with myself but had to train myself to become gentle, accepting and forgiving. A few small positive experiences in response to challenges can gradually turn into bigger things (like growing a tree from seed).
tulip
Sue K with 5
26-08-05, 23:50
Hi honey
I am so sorry your having such a tough time, I know how hard this is for you, and if I had the miracle cure you would be the first person I would send it to, because your age plays an important part in this.
Your young and very attractive and you have every right to be angry about how your feeling at this time.
I wish I could tell you how to make it better, but this can get better for you, it did for me, even though it was short lived, it did improve, I promise you.
You know where I am if you ever ever need anything just holler ok
You take care and speak to you soon honey
Love sue with 5
scknight
thanks heaps guys
all of your post where so comforting.
i didnt like CBT because half of it was just common sense and i logically know everything they say... i know to do little things and build them up... change the thought and itll change the reaction.. but i just cant do it.. i overcome a baby step.. then i go to do it again and bang nother attack comes out of the blue.. its like a circle and im never getting anywhere. its so hard to think differently when every single thing in your body is telling you this is not normal and to be worried.... its natural.. its not like you can be like "oh i am fine this is nothing it will pass" when you are in a strange place with nowhere to lie down and 'let it pass'. it really annoys me when people tell you thats what you have to tell yourself - because i just cant.
anyway thanks again for all your support and it was really comforting to know that people understand wat im going through - i just wish the people in my life would too.
thanks heaps
Paris
Noone said is was easy and noone said it would improve overnight and be sorted with a few tries, but the reality is that CBT based progress is the gold standard for overcoming this disorder.
You have not have had the most sympathetic of therpists or one that rushed it along too fast.
I would whole heartedly have agreed with your comments before I did mine and probably through a lot of it too, but having come out the other end I now know it is the best way.
I think I was best for me doing it myself rather than with a therapist , I would have got too frustrated with a timetable with someone.
I never subscribed to the float through theory either.. more like cling to something for dear life
The Battle that Rages in my Head (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=4149)
worried to get better!?!? (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=3419)
home truths (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2398)
Lets try to keep our thoughts in perspective (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=283)
Mind Games (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=1789)
obsessive thoughts & anxiety (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=3096)
Still suffering this damn "suggestive" thing.. (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=4288)
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Meg,
How did you do the therapy by yourself - was there a book or something that you followed???
Love Piglet
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
I read the Claire Weekes lot and most of it was brill but I could never ever get to grips with the ' floating' bit . My fear was too intense to be able to associate such a fluffy word to so I started making up my own - thus JFDI and my other illustrations were born
Then I read and gobbled up Shad Helmsletters book along with Feel the fear - Susan Jeffers and The Feeling Good manual by David Burns - well Chapter 3 anyway. I found most of it far too American waffly for me - you know I'm very straightforward person (apologies to anyone)
Then I decided what needed addressing first - where did I start - and went for it. I did a bit every single day. Sometimes it wnet well sometimes really badly- sometimes I cried buckets, sometimes I learnt something, sometimes I hated every moment of everyday, sometimes I smiled and found hope, sometimes I shouted and punched pillows, sometimes I clung to loved ones but everyday I gave it my best I had that day and bit by bit I smiled more, was sick the night before less, cried less, didn't check my heart as often as I realized and had to believe that on all these horrible, horrible days I never fainted, choked on food I thought I couldn't swallo, collapsed , went mad, lost control of the car, hurt one of my clients, had a MI /CVA/ SAH tectectecetc and this felt great.
Then it dawned on me once I knew from a couple of chinks I was getting better I felt better too, so then I started telling myself I was nearly well and treating myself as such and doing new projects and keeping so upbeat and busy and I tried and proved time after time to myself that energy follows thought.
If I thought of scary possibilities I had scary physical symptoms, If I thought happy/distracting things , I felt better even if I was still in a scary situation.
If I dwelled on how awful it all was, it felt worse in a only a few short minutes, If I kept rational and monitored how I was- without jumping to any possibility of a imminent disaster getting through it was much easier- so whilst I still got churny, palps, dizzy, throat etc for months afterwards I always talked myself out of being scared or sad about them and it helped a lot and then the best thing of all was that it didn't ever descent into panic anymore.
I still felt awful for ages but by isolating the feelings to purely the physical and not engaging with them mentally it got much easier.
That might have been more than you were asking for Piglet..
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
That was great Meg, thanks for writing that. It's great to hear about other peoples experiences and triumphs.
Are you totally panic free now, in any situation? Don't feel you have to answer that of course. Would judt be encouraging to see someone had recovered 100%.
I understood about the floating - I never got that after reading Claire Weeks either.
Thanks,
LJ
I keep meaning to write my story out in full and maybe will get to that this/ next week.
I haven't had a panic attack for years.
I don't do time scales as people start comparing, as I know I so wanted to when getting better and the one **** who did tell me on another forum depressed me and everyone else by saying she got well in a month - well I didn't ..
I get stressed just like anyone in the street but then I'm am a manager working for the NHS, I have elderly parent and neighbours , I have a relationship, friends and pets. Invariably these things do not always runs smoothly and we all have difficult times but these do not decend into panic any more.
I used white water rafting - one of my hobbies - instead of floating . Being washed away by a freak flood into the edge of a whirl pool and having to cling onto a handy branch to avoid being dragged down to panic until the water had calmed.. It just seemed to match the surge of intensity better than floating above on a fluffy cloud for me but I'm sure we each have our own favourites.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Meg,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for such a wonderfully encouraging post.
I always love it when you tell bits about your story because it gives me a lift and makes me feel all postive about things.
I like Claire Weekes too and can almost get the floating thing but its so hard to remember mid panic, so agree with you there.
You know I like the Shad Helmsletter book cos I told you after you recommended back in April. I had just fininshed reading Susan Jeffers also when I found this site, one of the quotes in her book I may have to use sometime soon as my signature one as it really helped me,
SHIPS ARE SAFE IN HARBOUR - BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT SHIPS ARE BUILT FOR.
That always makes me think to myself 'Piglet, yes you are safe at home, but girl you are capable of so much more'!!
Thank you again Meg.
Big hug from Piglet for being flippin marvellous:D:D:D:D:D
Thanks Meg and congratulations for doing so well. I first started having panic attacks about 2 years ago but I've never had one as bad as the first one as I can now stop it getting that bad. I was anxiety free for a year until earlier this year so I know I can be again. Thanks for your encouraging story.
Piglet I love the quote about ships.
LJ
Thanks for sharing that Meg, i like to read success stories, i'm still not going out, i still feel panicky but i'm working on my thought patterns at the moment to try and help me make that big step outdoors towards recovery, i'm currently reading a ebook from amazon called What if My Story of Panic, i recommend it to anyone, its straight to the point, the only way to get over this is for me to stop thinking about panick and stop thinking negatively and about all the things that could happen if i was in certain situations, easier said than done but not impossible. Its mad when you think about our thought patterns can cause panick attacks, my thought patterns got me here so they are the only thing that can get me back to normal.
"I still felt awful for ages but by isolating the feelings to purely the physical and not engaging with them mentally it got much easier."
That is so true Meg. That is helping me through my bad period. In fact that is the exact attitude that can buy me sleep at night. Reading your story has made me feel much better after feeling rather bad this evening. I believe that after a bad period we all have no choice but to feel better.
Tulip
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.