Anxiety orientated around a certain person!?!

[oz08]

Hello,

My first post although I have been looking at this forum for quite a while and found it very interesting and helpful.

This might sound like a strange one but here goes...

After a few problems in my personal life, I came to university last year. Now at first it was fine, but after plenty of successive drinking, smoking of cannabis things finally came on top of me. Now, during this time I met a friend who I first opened up to about my problems. I had told no one else about this only her. I found a kind of attachment, and because I had emotionally opened up to her (in a way I have very rarely done with anyone before) I felt very good. Now because of my "association" to her of my problems, I began to see this person differently. Not in a creepy way but I needed to be around her, I felt very secure in her presence. Don't worry this is not going to be some trashy teenage issue which it sounds like at the moment.

At Christmas I unfortunately found out something I shouldn't about her which made me feel very upset. She hadn't done anything wrong (been seeing some other friend which is fine) but with my frame of mind at the time it really hurt me and I knew something was wrong. I got put on citolapram 10mg because I was constantly thinking "is she doing this? is she doing that? what does she think of me?" etc etc. I started to get so paranoid that she might have been telling everyone about my problems and that I was a big joke.

My issue I have with her is that when I'm around her in social situations, maybe after a drink or two or with friends, this anxiety rushes back. I wonder "am I doing this right, is this weird, what will people think", etc and feel really awkward and display this awkwardness. I can't control it. She's my mate and thats it, I have no emotional attachment anymore but this awkwardness comes out and its really noticable. I get really tired quickly, make my exuses and leave, which is rude and also makes her a bit paranoid.

I'm fueling the flames of my own problem. But I just can't control it, its something I have never done before or never acted like. This situation ONLY happens when theres people around (we share the same group of friends). When I'm with her on my own I'm 100% fine, no weirdness of anxiety nothing, even after a few drinks. But when theres people around, our friends, I sometimes just freak out. And I'm a socialable person, I'm always out having a chat to someone making conversation being me but when this anxiety happens Im not me and its all down to one person.

It is so bizzare, I really cannot explain it. Before I get a chance to think, my muscles get tight, I get really tired and its like I just change myself but only around this one person in a group of people. When I'm out with other mates I'm fine, when I'm with the other people and not with her I'm fine, but with her and other people I just get really anxious and its getting to a stage now where I am looking rude because I cannot explain the situation to myself and so I just leave.

Its like she's my trigger, but only around certain HER in a group of people. Its soo bizzare.

Has anyone suffered from anything similar, maybe a relative or an ex? It doesn't make things easier that we live in the same block, have the same friends and are going travelling together with each other in the summer. But this was before all this started to happen.

And what triggered my anxiety at first was finding out she was with this friend (which I'm ok with).

I'm hoping anyone, even just one person, can relate to this.
Thank you.

[alias_kev]

Hi. Haven't had what you describe as such BUT its very easy for an anxiety to spill over into other related feelings, or even get packed down into one. So in your case your original anxiety ended up being relieved by the sharing you did with your (to you) special friend. This might have elements of "monophobia" to it where a single person becomes our security blanket, but we in effect become very over dependent on them and on them acting in all the ways we need them too.

When that situation broke down for you (as they almost always will, as its such a total dependence) I'd hypothesise that its easy for that emotional tie to flip and so she becomes the centre of your anxiety rather than the cure. On several levels you could feel vulnerable - she know's more about you than most, you had this dependence on her, you are embarised about it, you may worry it will reoccur, you are worried others will notice, and thus you feel likely to be spotted and judged when in her company.

Its like - some people feel very vulnerable with strangers, others feel very vulnerable with an audience that knows them.

I'm not saying I can relate directly to what you are feeling, but I can see where it may have come from and how awkward it could be. My anxiety tends to be worse at home and greatest in matters to do with home/family/responsibility. Looking back to when it started - probbaly years ago - work responsibility was fine BUT personal/family responsibility was not. Its even true here, its much easier to write about other people's problems than deal with my own. Actually that's pretty common even on here, quite a few people like to be shared with BUT disappear if you encourage them to share back. So I try and share something relevent back when I can - then we are equally open/vulnerable with each other. My phobias are really locked into correspondence (letters and phonecalls) especially when these carry family or personal responsibility. That's pretty weird to some people. Certain people can (and do) make that worse as they always used to phone up if they wanted something BUT offered no support of any kind. So a supposed friend becomes like an unexpected gas bill!

There was another poster on here - late last year - who'd found they were very dependent on their boyfriend. Kind of like the monophobia condition. When they split she had the scope to improve (I think - as she stopped posting); although that's kind of a harsh way to find the room for change.