melody
15-05-09, 10:10
I feel frustrated & sad. I have had a headache for 2 days. Usually when I have a headache this bad I can expect it will last for at least a week, because that's how long the worst ones last as a minimum. I have been getting these headaches for my whole life. Sometimes they last for a whole month. They seem to come on at random. I had to skip my weekend away which is very disappointing.
I resent when anyone says that anxiety causes these headaches. They may not have worked out what causes them, but I was fine & relaxed & calm before I had the headache. Because I have chronic spinal pain, there is pain in every part of my body right now, & pretty much every day. The non pain days are the rare ones. When my pain eases off sometimes I think maybe it was in my head, but when it comes back I know there was nothing in my thoughts to cause it. Physiotherapy made it worse today, so it isn't just tension. I was throwing up all day, even though I barely ate. My nerves feel electrified. My right eye throbs worst. The side & back of my head are searing with pain. My neck is searing like it's on fire. It hurts if I move my arm or turn my neck. Typing hurts. Lying down , sitting & standing all feel like unreality like my body doesn't fit inside itself. My upper & lower back feel heavy & burning like I'm being pulled in two different directions. My legs feel wobbly & sore. My fingers hurt & look swollen. It feels like I sense the pain with every breath that I take as though the oxygen is flowing through a mass of pain. I keep feeling zaps through my nerves traveling at the right of my spine. It's not nice!!!
I am certain no one knows what this is, as doctors don't know. It is simply called chronic pain & it is the life I am stuck in. Sometimes I think I have accepted it, but usually that's when the pain eased off for a little. It's annoying as people think not much of it. I get told off for using disabled parks, but sometimes my right leg collapses out from under me. I try to explain, but they look at me like a fake & a liar because anyone could say they're in pain. This triggers my panic attacks every time I park & someone looks sideways at me. It took 5 years before I was brave enough to tell off someone for telling me off & not checking for a permit 1st. I am very glad I finally found employers who are understanding about it if I feel crook with pain & don't guilt me out or tell me off for doing what I need to do.
Every time my pain flares up like this, it is difficult not to remember how cruel my ex-employers & their doctors on their side where to me when I injured my spine at work & the chronic back pain set in. I get flooded with judgemental words blaming my pain on my mental illness. My pain came first, then a year later the mental health symptoms began to develop. It's scary to go through something like that, especially if all the people you know, respect or think are friends turn their back & me mean about it at work. It's hard to feel safe when the pains bad. The years since leaving that employer showed me many people are trustworthy & would try to help a person collapsed & sobbing on the ground, instead of taking the opportunity to be cruel & accusing about it. It's hard to believe anyone could be so callous, I was in a bad place for me. Was only about money, not people.
I will try to direct my memories to the times when I was on trouble & someone did care enough to help. I may never forgive about being promised I would be taken care of, & then abandoned & accused of money grabbing only when I was in trouble. All I can do is choose what I will focus on. I can never believe that everyone is caring, as I shouldn't. But I can see that there are many, many people that would help if only they could. Remembering this helps me feel less afraid.
Please don't post advice about managing pain. I've heard it all before in the 4 years I desperately sought help, before I read a book called dealing with chronic pain, that said if you had all the tests possible & theres nothing there, to at least let go of seeking help. Stops the repeated disappointments. Advice makes ma angry because I know I tried everything, & people always insist I should try again etc. professionals can, & I can take it or leave it.
I am really just venting. I always act happy & lie & say I'm feelin' great. I learnt to hide it cause opinions hurt. Noone who hasn't gone through it could understand, they misunderstand me. I could never make anyone understand in a chat, so everyone assumes I feel great as it's easier that way.:whistles: I think I would just like hugs:hugs:
Thankyou all you nice caring people out there,
Melody
I resent when anyone says that anxiety causes these headaches. They may not have worked out what causes them, but I was fine & relaxed & calm before I had the headache. Because I have chronic spinal pain, there is pain in every part of my body right now, & pretty much every day. The non pain days are the rare ones. When my pain eases off sometimes I think maybe it was in my head, but when it comes back I know there was nothing in my thoughts to cause it. Physiotherapy made it worse today, so it isn't just tension. I was throwing up all day, even though I barely ate. My nerves feel electrified. My right eye throbs worst. The side & back of my head are searing with pain. My neck is searing like it's on fire. It hurts if I move my arm or turn my neck. Typing hurts. Lying down , sitting & standing all feel like unreality like my body doesn't fit inside itself. My upper & lower back feel heavy & burning like I'm being pulled in two different directions. My legs feel wobbly & sore. My fingers hurt & look swollen. It feels like I sense the pain with every breath that I take as though the oxygen is flowing through a mass of pain. I keep feeling zaps through my nerves traveling at the right of my spine. It's not nice!!!
I am certain no one knows what this is, as doctors don't know. It is simply called chronic pain & it is the life I am stuck in. Sometimes I think I have accepted it, but usually that's when the pain eased off for a little. It's annoying as people think not much of it. I get told off for using disabled parks, but sometimes my right leg collapses out from under me. I try to explain, but they look at me like a fake & a liar because anyone could say they're in pain. This triggers my panic attacks every time I park & someone looks sideways at me. It took 5 years before I was brave enough to tell off someone for telling me off & not checking for a permit 1st. I am very glad I finally found employers who are understanding about it if I feel crook with pain & don't guilt me out or tell me off for doing what I need to do.
Every time my pain flares up like this, it is difficult not to remember how cruel my ex-employers & their doctors on their side where to me when I injured my spine at work & the chronic back pain set in. I get flooded with judgemental words blaming my pain on my mental illness. My pain came first, then a year later the mental health symptoms began to develop. It's scary to go through something like that, especially if all the people you know, respect or think are friends turn their back & me mean about it at work. It's hard to feel safe when the pains bad. The years since leaving that employer showed me many people are trustworthy & would try to help a person collapsed & sobbing on the ground, instead of taking the opportunity to be cruel & accusing about it. It's hard to believe anyone could be so callous, I was in a bad place for me. Was only about money, not people.
I will try to direct my memories to the times when I was on trouble & someone did care enough to help. I may never forgive about being promised I would be taken care of, & then abandoned & accused of money grabbing only when I was in trouble. All I can do is choose what I will focus on. I can never believe that everyone is caring, as I shouldn't. But I can see that there are many, many people that would help if only they could. Remembering this helps me feel less afraid.
Please don't post advice about managing pain. I've heard it all before in the 4 years I desperately sought help, before I read a book called dealing with chronic pain, that said if you had all the tests possible & theres nothing there, to at least let go of seeking help. Stops the repeated disappointments. Advice makes ma angry because I know I tried everything, & people always insist I should try again etc. professionals can, & I can take it or leave it.
I am really just venting. I always act happy & lie & say I'm feelin' great. I learnt to hide it cause opinions hurt. Noone who hasn't gone through it could understand, they misunderstand me. I could never make anyone understand in a chat, so everyone assumes I feel great as it's easier that way.:whistles: I think I would just like hugs:hugs:
Thankyou all you nice caring people out there,
Melody