Not knowing what to say

[prodigy]

I hate it when I want to start a conversation with someone, but never find a right set of words to say. I keep thinking that what I say will be stupid and awkward and I end up not talking at all. I over think and never go with the flow. Is there any way to avoid these negative thoughts?

[charlotte83]

Hiya,

I don't have social anxiety but I get the same sometimes. I tend to be ok in small groups and one to ones but in big groups I can't say more then a sentence or two at a time, or I feel self conscious and start talking rubbish or worry that people will think I'm boring or weird.
I dunno what advice to give you other then to maybe just say a few things here and there that you feel comfortable to say and build up confidence slowly. I'm sure that some others will reply with better advice! Just wanted to say that your not alone in feeling like that. Take care

[sid]

Hi,

I know exactly how you feel. I too suffer from social anxiety and struggle to think what to say to people. I find it difficult to chat to strangers and also to people i have known for years. I get all tongue tied and come across as being thick as two short planks!! In addition to this I get a trembling lower lip and feel shakey and hot. The ironic thing is that I work in a setting which involves speaking to people all day which I can do with no problem, however, as soon as I am away from work the anxieties start. I think people will think I am boring and uninteresting.
I am not sure how to advise you but hopefully it will help to know that you are not alone. I am trying an approach recommended - if not sure of what to say ask people about how they are and demonstrate an interest in them as most people will like to talk about themselves. Dont feel obliged to fill in the gaps in the conversation. I also do my tummy breathing to slow my breathing down which makes it easier to get the words out.
Hope this helps.

Sid xx

[RatBrain]

I have this problem too. Sometimes I do think of things to say but I trip over my words because I'm nervous - which makes me more nervous. Plus, I really can't articulate things when I'm anxious which makes everything I do say seem flat and boring. I use a similar approach to Sid which is... ask people questions. It helps the conversation flow, you seem interested but the focus will be on the other person. It allows you to contribute without having to actually say a lot.

[Anxious_gal]

well ask questions, mention random things you like or have done, always say postive things about your self unless you know the people really well,
use the same words and phrases as the other person, talk about the news anything in the media,

[prodigy]

Thanks for all the tips guys, they are very helpful. I hope I find the courage within myself to get better at my conversation skills.

[staypositive]

I don't know of anyways to help you. But I get the same feelings sometimes too.
I'm always questioning what I've said to people too. Like running it back through my mind and asking myself "Did that sound stupid?" etc

Having almost a complete lack of self confidence certainly makes things worse for me too.

Dan

[Lion King]

I suffered from similar issues to yourself, I moved to a new area 3 years ago with my partner where I didn't know anybody, shortly after moving in my partner got pregnant and when my son was born I spent considerable time helping my partner looking after him. During the first 2 years I was busy at work always doing overtime, I would see people in the area and have short conversations but nothing significant that would create a new friendship. I didn'y realise at the time that I was isolating myself at home and at work as I was having a difficult time as a supervisor working for a bad boss, who had all the workers pitted against me for some personal reason that we just didn't get on, this all led to not trusting people and made me be guarded and not open with people as I would start to overanalyse what peoples ulterior motives were when they were speaking to me, after time I became paranoid and suffered high levels of anxiety which in turn knocked my self confidence. This affected me at home significantly as I was easily irritable and felt anxious and stressed around people.
From counselling sessions for cbt I have learnt that I had become I very guarded person who was taking life to seriously and forgetting how to have fun, since this I have integrated with a local snooker team and now talk with the neighbours more as I hold a more relaxed and open attitude about myself towards others, if people are not particularly friendly I just see it as there problem not mine, and I don't take things too personal (this can be a major problem as I found when I took things personal that I would treat myself as a victim and heighten the anxiety even further!). I am now starting to feel much better after suffering for a year or maybe longer with anxiety and low moods, I have seen great improvement in myself and how other people are around me when I have a smile on my face!

Hope this is encouraging to others as I know it is very difficult to get out of this hole, Think positive and relax, you are the same as everbody else!

All the best to everyone!

Lion King

[pieball86]

i get this too espically when i meet someone in the street i dont talk to very often i freeze an end up seeming anti social what to say dosent just come naturaly n what i do say i think sounds stupid when im walking away,i also feel i cant walk right when im in public or people are looking at me and have to look at my feet and concentrate on my walking does anyone else get this

[JohnLuke300]

Part of the problem is you may be too concerned about what you going to say, it is part of the 'self-fulfilling prophesy' associated with anxiety. You fear you will say something wrong or might appear stupid, boring, etc. This results in you anxiety increasing which impedes you ability to communicate and articulate to others. If there is someone you can speak to without problem, start a conversation with them and see if those same thoughts occur. They probably wont, that is because it is the way you think during you conversation that is making you anxious.

I think the secret lies with having the confidence to speak with others without overly thinking of the consequences of you words. And if you feel you say something you regret, try not to analyse what you said. It will only make you feel more anxious in future.