The uphill bicycle climb with the brakes on.

[Quiet-Lift]

Hi fellow panickers

Can anyone relate to this? I'm having a lot of trouble with my anger and feel a strong urge to take it out on certain people who have made hurtful comments or behaved toward me in unpleasant and threatening ways in the recent past.

I don't want to do this because I know I would regret it and the consequences could be unexpectedly dire. I've never been a violent person but these feelings seem so powerful and I seem to get swept up in the white heat they create

My world seems to have become so empty and I don't know how to find those things I need to make it reasonably OK again. I'm not asking for a miracle, just something to make the pain more bearable. Something which doesn't add to my catalogue of past mistakes and errors of judgement.

I've struggled so hard during the last few years. Several family catastrophes and the realisation that I shall now have to cope alone without any close family support. Ongoing feelings of loneliness and a deep sense of unhappiness with can be profoundly unsettling.

I get the impression that society expects something from me and I will be punished for showing any signs of weakness or softness.

Can anyone relate to any of this. It's all pretty random and not as comprehensive as I might wish. I just hope this world isn't as heartless as it sometimes seems to be.

[j2]

I can relate to being angry and not always feeling like you can or will be able to control it. If you are really worried that you are going to do something very violant, then please see a DR. If you are just frustrated with feelings of isolation, that I can relate to. What keeps me going is exercise and religion. I try to run and do yoga several times a week. I am also involved in my church. I am not going to tell you that church is going to fix your ills but the sense of community I get there is nice. I too have no family to lean on but I have found open minded people at my humble little church and feeling a part of this makes me feel better. Good luck

[countrygirl]

I wonder if you are being treated for depression as violent anger is quite often a symptom of depression. My husband has been depressed all his life and alot of what you say he has described - he has on a couple of occasions many many years ago been violent luckily mildy so and no action taken and it all stems from him not being able to cope with people or life. He was finally diagnosed about 7 yrs ago and put on prozac after a near suicide attempt and they think he has depression and social phobia. The prozac is literally a life saver and he is a different man - we have been married 29 yrs and I wish he had had prozac for the first 22 yrs!!!!!!!!!

As you are on health anxiety forum I assume you also worry about your health or symptoms???

I myself am not religious but can understand what the preivous poster says in that anything that is a community that you are part of makes you feel much less alone. If you are sitting at home alone when you are not working and can't face people then that is def a sign of major depression. lack of money can make doing things very difficult I know but again there are some things you can join that don't cost.

YOur post has said lots but also very little if you know what I mean. If you haven't already done so then please tell a Dr how you are feeling as you sound so much like my husband at his lowest I worry for you.

[Quiet-Lift]

Hi,

Thankyou for your post but you misunderstand and your advice is based on a lack of information about me and where I'm coming from. Obviously, the limitations of this medium (posting anonymous messages which can be read by strangers) and my own lack of clarity may have contributed to this.

Like all Anti-Depressants, Prozac works for some and not for others. I'm glad it helped your husband (and you, obviously!), but it's no miracle cure and I was taking it almost 30 years ago when it was described as a kind of panacea for every problem that life throws at us. It wasn't good enough for me then and it still isn't.

Don't forget. Anti-Depressants can change the physical structure of the brain over time, just as illegal drugs can affect Mental Health if used irresponsibly. This could lead to an unacceptable departure from reality. Thankyou for your concern but I would also continue to worry about your husband because he needs to try and understand why his unhappiness led him along such a self-destructive path.

Sometimes, Doctor's can do more harm than they realise. Finding a good one who has the time and patience to listen is difficult. I keep myself busy and don't sit around all day doing nothing. Also, I do have social contacts but still need a certain amount of privacy to do what I do because I regard myself as an artist and writer. Creativity needs a certain amount of suffering if it is to have any real value.

I realise the mood of my previous post was extremely negative and thank you for making an attempt at a response but your circumstances have little connection with mine.


Take care

[countrygirl]

Thanks Allan and sorry for getting the wrong end of the stick - as you say your info was almost nil and rather negative.
I'm afraid that you have lost me regarding what your post is about but hope that someone understands and can help you.
My husband has had therapy and knows why he is like he is and I agree that prozac or any other anti d is not for everyone but in his case it works brilliantly and he is now a much happier person.
I wish you well

[Captain America]

'I'm not asking for a miracle, just something to make the pain more bearable.'
'Thankyou for your concern but I would also continue to worry about your husband because he needs to try and understand why his unhappiness led him along such a self-destructive paththank you for making an attempt at a response but your circumstances have little connection with mine.'
'Creativity needs a certain amount of suffering if it is to have any real value."

Really now...you asked for help, in a forum where many of us do suffer under similar circumstances, criticize someone for making assumptions about you, then make assumptions about her husband and even hint that she should worry about him.

Then you basically say that you need to suffer for your art.

Personally, I think countrygril was being very nice in her response to you.

[j2]

We are all suffering here and not all of us are pleasant all the time. One of the things I love most about this site is that people don't judge or belittle like so many people in the non-anxious world do to those of us that suffer daily. Anyway, we are all just wanting to get better and share with each other our suffering and our successes. Good luck to all.

[Quiet-Lift]

Hi Countrygirl

Sorry from me too. I also get the wrong end of the stick at times. I was'nt feeling too good when I sent that last email
I'm glad to hear your husband has had therapy. A very courageous thing to do. As I said before, it's good to know that Prozac has worked for him.

All the best

[Quiet-Lift]

Captain America

You don't need to give me any more guilt than I already have. We all make mistakes and your post has quite a few in my opinion.

You don't have to suffer for art, but sometimes it can help

Perhaps you should consider why you felt the need to get involved and what did you get out of sending that message to me anyway?

[Quiet-Lift]

J2...

Sad to say this but you are wrong. Read Captain America's post and tell me if you still believe that people on this site don't judge or belittle.
To be honest, I'm bloody angry when some twinkie from America makes a kneejerk reaction about an exchange which really has nothing to do with him.

Like you, I want to get better also, but I don't like the idea of sharing with someone who makes judgemental and unnecessary statements which have nothing positive to contribute.

All the best

[Captain America]

i reacted to the fact that you seemed to turn on the person who had offered you help. saying thanks but no thanks is fine, but telling her that she should worry about her husband seemed unneccessarily mean to me. i suffer from anxiety...and the last thing anyone with anxiety needs is someone telling them that the medicine their husband is on may make them detatched from reality!

i felt the need to get involved because it bothered me. why this time more than others? i don't know. perhaps i misread your tone at the time. perhaps i have bully issues.

for whatever reason, i am sorry. had i thought before hastily posting i'm sure i wouldn't have.

it's been a hard day for me today.

[Captain America]

and i'm not a twinkie. wait..maybe i am. what IS a twinkie?

yes it was a knee jerk reaction. please see my previous post.

[xfilme]

I can appreciate your situation and I do not feel that you gave too limited amount of information. I am not here to pass judgement or anything just to share experiences. I was very much in a similar position as you about 7 years ago when I was going through a distressing time in my life and expressing myself in verbal anger. I relayed my stresses to the doctor and he promptly put me onto high dose antidepressants. I was diagnosed with Neurotic Reactive Depression and left to deal. The medication itself caused me to feel a great deal of anger yet a lack of feeling of any other kind for others or myself. I was told by the doctor that it was my neurotic reactive clinical depression adapting to the medication and had my medication upped four times until I was no longer the person I used to be. I could cope with life easily but had become a shadow of my former self, not even being able to produce a single tear at even the most upsetting of situations. I spent two years following doctors orders and finally figured Id rather have the original pain and sinsitivity of so called depression than the absence of any form of emotion while on medication. After this point, I had some family catastrophies also, that really speaking should have sent my depression off the scale but actually gave me the tools that I needed to cope with my own natural mentality. I am also a very creative person, and I agree that all artists to a degree need to suffer for their art, as I find personally without suffering I find it hard to express the feelings I wish to convey. This however does not mean I am content with my pain, it merely means I can use the pain to express myself in art. I can totally empathise with your feeling that sociaty expects something of you. The fact that I have learned to cope with my inner turmoil in a way that it no longer has a detrimental effect on those around me, now means that people presume that I am always to be the the pillar of strength to them that I have been to myself. My family have seen such a turnaround from negative to positive that I can no longer express negativity as they portray it as my softness and weakness and an indication I am turning back into the person I was. Which makes me sad as I feel I am no longer allowed to feel sad or upset publically. The world does indeed seem a heartless place at times. But being the creative type as you say you are, you know as well as I do that atleast the pain can in turn create beauty... depending on how you utilise your own feelings. I have a long time now believed in using the obstacle. The fact you are an artist indicated to me your feelings can never be truly repressed.... giving you always that little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, even if your eyes are not well enough adjusted to the darkness to see it right now. What kind of art do you produce? I produce pen and ink art every time I become sad, and even when I hit rock bottom, atleast I know I have something to show for the experience. I hope it is sometimes the same for you x

[Captain America]

allan,
please allow me to further explain my actions and apology.

due to my anxiety i do sometimes find myself getting disproportionately upset about small things, your post being one of them. after giving it some thought i believe i reacted that way because of the comment you made about medication. while i have opted to go med free, in part because i too do believe there needs to be feeling, if not suffering, in order to create art. but there are people that i love very much on those very meds you cited as potentially doing great harm to them mentally. the thought of my family members, and believe me i have had the thought too, being harmed by these meds seems to have put some bad thoughts in my head. and when frightened, even mildly so, i do tend to lash out unjustifiably.

i sincerely apologize for my inappropriate reaction. i do wish you well on your recovery and i assure you it was not a typical post of mine, nor is it typical of folks on this site.

thanks for reading this.

[lauren6]

Allan, you wrote:

"To be honest, I'm bloody angry when some twinkie from America makes a kneejerk reaction about an exchange which really has nothing to do with him."

You also wrote:

"Perhaps you should consider why you felt the need to get involved and what did you get out of sending that message to me anyway?"

Allan, we ALL get involved as you know here. It isn't a one on one when we post publicly, everyone jumps in. So to say "the exchange has nothing to do with him", I don't understand. This is a joint effort to try to help each other.

What does "some twinkie from America" mean? I'm American and if I said "some twinkie from the U.K.", I'd be thrown off this board in a flash! It sounds pretty insulting to me and I don't even know what a twinkie is! Why did one's nationality have to come into this? Sorry, I am not one to argue but this is insulting to me.

[Captain America]

thanks lauren but it's okay. i did post something hastily, and it was non constructive and i did expect it would upset him. i'm sure he doesn't think we're all twinkies. i just happen to be a twinkie that lives in america!

now, if i only knew what a twinkie was....

[Captain America]

i'm kidding of course. he's calling me gay. i didn't expect he'd actually explain himself.

[lauren6]

LOL...this is making me hungry..in our part of the woods it's a little cream filled sponge cake...yummy! Well, thanks for the note, Captain..I just get a little crazy when someone insults someone by ethnicity in any kind of way.

[countrygirl]

Thank you Allan for your apology. Captain Americas reply obviously upset you and like Captain America you replied in anger - I have to say that your reply to me was rather insensitive as I was concerned for you which I hoped I got over in the post but you have apologised and for me that is the end of the matter and I continue to hope you get the help you need.

I think it would be best if this thread ended now wthout any more recriminations.

Allan I am also wondering if you are on the right forum as this one is dedicated to health anxiety rather than anxiety in general - there is a very good forum for general anxiety etc which may be more appropriate.

Good Wishes