FW: Feeling so low

[Sue K with 5]

I hate sounding miserable, because I want so much to smile everyday, but in the last two days I have felt so tired and so tearful, and tonight it finally hit me, I have had two days of very severe anxiety, had a panic attack at 5.30 in the morning and sat on the bed hyperventilating.

Now tonight I eventually broke down sitting watching emerdale farm at 2am (how sad is that)

I want so much to move on with my life, to go out and have some fun, the other day, thanks to sax I went to the park with my daughter, I managed to stay for half an hour, and I felt terrible, I have never been so pleased to see the rain, I was humilated and embarrassed at how desperate I was to want to go home and since them I have hardly been able to say two words to my friend, because I am ashamed that I look so stupid.

This condition for me is humiliating and demorilising and I just want to end it all.

I dont feel like I can continue like this because I will never be able to give my kids a normal life, I mean all there mother does it sleep, work and tap away on the PC, god thats no life for them. The daft thing is I cant even leave them to get on with there lives and I want to so badly.


I know many of you will relate to this feeling, and I wish so much I was not saying this at the moment, but I have reached a point tonight where I cant hold this in any longer.

Sax I am sorry your a great friend and I let you down the other day, I wanted to go and have some fun and I could not even do that.

I love this site and the people, Why the hell is this happening to us

its not fair!

I will bugger off now, I am sorry to sound miserable tonight, but even the flirty old tart has her off days


Love


Sue with 5



scknight

[~Mary~]

Hello Susan. Like you said, me and so many people can relate to what you're going through. I'm only 16 and I cant relate to how it feels to feel so distant from your children. But I do understand how "humiliating and demorilising" it is. I suffer from anxiety/panic disorder, and very bad agoraphobia.

It is humiliating that I always have to explain to my friends when they want me to go somewhere that "I just dont feel good" and cant go. Its keeping me from school and all the things that should be a normal part of a young girls life, just like its keeping you from a normal life as a mom.

Im very sorry and I wish I had some wonderful advice to give you, but unfortunately I dont. I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone, and one day you will beat it and so will I. We just have to take little steps at a time and we'll get through it.

Much love & best wishes,

~*~MaRy

[JacobM]

Susan,

While I can't understand exactly what your going through, I do know the frustration of having your life ruled by something that is out of your hands. I could very well lose the job I love because I can't get a handle on my anxiety. In the past year my self esteem has plummeted to the point where I check in with my friend to make sure that he still likes me and then I check in to make sure that the checking in doesn't annoy him. The only place that I feel truly safe is in my bed. Today I had a good day but tonite my anxiety got a little out of hand. Of course then I think that there is something truly wrong with me and that I am beyond help or who knows what. Anyways, hang in there for the good moments. I can say that as someone who has spent his whole life battling panic and anxiety there are plenty of good times coming. It's really hard to see when you are in the midst of it, but that is why there are others on this board to help you to see the "forest through the trees". "This too shall pass". You have so much to give your children. Just remember that there have been times when you felt great and those times will come again. That is how life works.

Please hang in there and know that you are in my prayers.

[Antipodes]

Hi,

I'm a newbie here and I empathise with how you're feeling and just wanted to chip in "you are not alone" and "it can and will get better" - there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm English (but now a Kiwi) so I'm not sure what kind of help is available in UK by way of support and medications. One thing is for sure and that is cognitive therapy and the correct medication will overcome depression.

Meds are a minefield as what is right for one person does very little for another. I have learned to be assertive with my psychiatrist and he has given a med that made me just about 100% bulletproof to anxiety - but did nothing for mood. I'm into day 3 of a recently release one that is supposed to be great for anxiety and mood (we'll see).

Are you getting help with sleep? Sleep is so important.

I hope this episode passes soon and that you move closer to wellness and recovery.

Antipodes

[kate]

Oh Sue, I know exactly how you are feeling.

The guilt I have also suffered from not being able to go places with the children when they were younger, the guilt that I have contributed to Hannah's OCD. It's never ending.

BUT, what we need to remember is that we love our children and will always be there for them no matter what. We have an illness which is not easily understood by those who have not suffered and yes we do feel embarassed and definately demoralised by it.

I also make myself go to places and hate every minute. On edge, panicky and just wanting to run back home. Be kind to yourself, Sue. You managed to get to the park and stay for half an hour. That is brilliant. So you wanted to go home, it doesn't matter, you still did it.

You WILL keep going as you know you have to. Your children need you, they love you, illness or no illness.

Hope things improve for you soon, Sue

LOve Kate x

[Sax]

Hey Sue, you flirty old tart! :D:D:D

Listen to me - you had me down (I know its hard for you to have visitors), you suggested going to park for a picnic (again even the thought frightened the hell out of you) you drove there (driving is a prob i know) and we went - we stayed - the kids had fun - and you were ****** brilliant! HONESTLY WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE MEGA!!!!

God I cannot believe you felt humiliated and embarressed - Jeeeeze I hope I didn't make you feel like that! [:I] I had a really nice day but I understand you think half hour isn't long enough - but thats you trying to run again before walk isn't it - stop being paranoid at how I felt (even though I cannot say enough how proud I was of you) and start believing how well you did. Then we went back and chilled at yours and again it was great just to talk and relax and the boys love you Sue you know that.

Gosh Sue - its not about how long, how you wanted to go home - its about managing you aim isn't it? I am not agoraphobic as you know but I can only TRY and understand how you felt - but I was astounded you took such a huge step that day - I'm not just saying that, I try and listen to you and try to imagine so I can attempt to understand how hard it is for you!

You wanted to go - you went, you took your daughter and you achieved your aim! AND you did it in company although now i feel maybe I wasn't enough support for you cos I didn't realise you felt humiliated and embarressed when I kept saying that I was proud of how well you'd done in my opinion!

I'm really sorry Sue to hear you are feeling so low at the moment :( but I guess crying is a good release of emotions and tensions even if you were being a sad muppet and watching emerdale :D
Try talking to me Sue rather than trying to predict what I am thinking cos I think the opposite to what you said - I thought you did so so well - but I can't tell you that if you avoid me can I!? :(

Sue this is me you are talking about - the person who gives you grief and insults you [Oops!] cos I hope to give you a chuckle, but at the end of the day I said it before and I'll keep saying it - I am here for you and will support you in any way I can if you let me.

Take care Sue and speak to you soon (please). Sorry this is so long - just trying to get my point across but not always good at expressing myself!

Sax xx[8D]

[tony]

yes susan i know how you feel,i was housebound last year,but now lead a near normal life,i had CBT and the nurse i got was great and with her help,excerise i improved greatly,i also do breathing excersies and try to relax.so maybe a chat with your doc about CBT or get in touch with your local mental health services
tony x

metal,rock, and hardcore music is my life!

[trac67]

Hi Sue,
You know i am here for you, you daft woman, and you know that you can ring me anytime. Your a good mum and your kids love you so start to believe that hun. Whats important is that you are there for your children, you love them and protect them, and thats is the best thing anyone can give their child, not going out or material things. Your doing well sue bit by bit you are gradually doing more, you will get there in the end, and we will be at the pub having a drink together one day in the not to distant future lol.
Take care
Tracey xxxx

its "just a thought"

[Piglet]

Hi Sue,

All of us with varying levels of agroraphobia or panic etc can identify with you totally.

I agree with Kate I've lost count of how many times I'm relieved an outing is over so I can get home.

The kids assure me that its not a problem and I have managed to get to most things (usually shuffling about the back of school halls rooting through my bag for my rescue remedy and stinking of lavander oil).

This year hasn't been a brill one for getting out and about for me which is why I've put my name down on the NOPANIC cbt telephone course (is there anyone out there who doesn't know I've done this yet - even my milkman knows now, lol)!

Big hug :)

Piglet


My new quote 'SHIPS ARE SAFE IN HARBOUR - BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT SHIPS ARE BUILT FOR'

[alexis]

Hi Sue, not a great deal I can say, think its all been said. You know how I feel at the moment and you know Im also on msn usually very late into the night, there for you if you need anybody, Love Alexis,xx

[Sue K with 5]

Thank you guys for your replies, Sax I will speak to you later, I promise.

I sometimes think I lose sight of the fact that people have found ways to overcome this, I think my biggest problem is admitting I have this problem, that the hardest thing to do.

But you have all hit the nail on the head for me and for that I am so grateful.

I am sure this is just a damn blip again, and hopefully once my CBT gets back from her holiday I will be able to start this damn exposure therapy which is worrying me so much, I just want to get going on this, I was never one for having much patience.

Thank you guys your the best



love sue with 5



scknight

[Karen]

Hi Sue

Sorry you are feeling so low today.

I agree with everything that's been said on here. How can it be failure when you went and despite how bad you were feeling, you stayed for a period of time. It doesn't matter how long that time was - the fact is you did it in the first place.

Instead of feeling bad for what you think you didn't do, be proud of yourself for your achievement and praise yourself for doing it. You are worth it Sue.



Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[nomorepanic]

Sue

A big well done on even going in the first place - that was fab!

What you need to do now is try it again otherwise you will always remember how bad it was and that will prevent you ever doing it again.

Yes it will be hard and you will get anxious but you will soon start to learn that the anxiety reaches a point and then can't get any worse. Try to sit through this bad time and it will come back down again. I know this will be so hard but please trust me it will work and it will get better.

Just keeping doing little bits every day ok and try to stick with the panicky feeling until it passes.

Thinking of you cos you are so kind to everyone else on here and in chat. Chin up mate ok?

Here's a big ((((((((hug)))))))))

Nicola

"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"

[Quirky]

Sue,
I can't really add to what other have said but remember on the whole you're doing fantastic, we all have blips and off days. I am thinking of you.
Take care, LJ
P.S Sue with five what? Sorry if that's a silly question but I was curious.

[Meg]

Sue ,

There does come a point when we try too hard and push too far and ask too much of ourselves at once.

Small repetitive steps with daily successes until you're bored silly of that exercise, are more beneficial in the long run than one or two mega pushes in which you feel you just survive.

Also, how you are today is absolutely ok - be miserable today and full of self pity - we all do it and sometimes need it post panic , but tomorrow don't hate yourself for having been ashamed , be proud for geting through it and resolve to do something else to make you feel good this weekend.





Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

[sandra114]

Hi Sue,

I am a newbie on here and totally understand how you are feeling. My son is 19 now but I used to feel so guilty that I couldn't take him out and about like other mums did but he's grown up ok and hasn't inherited my anxiety, thank goodness. You did so well making yourself go and staying as long as you did. I hope you soon feel a bit better.

Sandra x

[kairen]

Hi Sue,

you have had some great replies, and a lot of support i would just like to add that when i wasa child my mum was agraphobic, she did not go out for over ten years although we did still have family holidays,

all i want to say to you is that i loved my mum with all my heart it made no difference to me that she did not take us out all i remember is being loved and surely thats worth more than a few trips to the beach,

at the time i had no idea my mum felt like that its only in recent years that we have talked about it and i realised how hard it must have been for her,

now i would be truly gutted if i thought she held on to any guilt for not being able to get out and about as its not like it was cos she couldnt be bothered,

i do hope this helps a little bit Sue,

please dont feel guilty, just take smaller steps, you did really well going to the park,

take care



kairen x