drummermike
18-05-09, 19:55
Hello all.
This is the second forum I belong to. The other being business related and not health related. So fortunately I am familiar with this vBulletin type forum.
My name is Mike, and I am in my early 40's.
My story (when all this came on) is so long it would be way to long to write and most would not read it all anyway. My goal is to share experiences and hopefully find like symptoms and problems from others so I can hopefully find the real answer to what happened to me. The majority of my life 20 years ... I spent as an emergency services worker as a Paramedic in the USA, upstate NY. A high volume city, running 5-8 calls per shift. From shootings to diabetics to minor scrapes and cuts to ... yes, psychological issues. I dealt with many panic stricken and anxiety stricken patients. Now ... I think I am one and have had minimal luck helping myself. Ironic huh?
I have had minor issues here and there throughout my life. Feeling spacey/dazed a couple times as a kid 16-19 years old. Feeling a little anxious - weird, but for only moments at a time maybe a full day here and there. Never thought much of it. No drugs, minimal alcohol, I was high on life, drumming and girls. :wink:
Fast forward to my late 30's. After divorce, and a significant reduction in being able to handle stress, especially emergency service stress, I went into a more mundane corporate type job. And only dabbled in EMS part-time. I knew something was up. Heart palps, rapid heart rate, (while relaxed) ... dread going on the next call etc ....... burn out I attributed it too. Which was fine, I wanted out at 40 anyway. Most Paramedics burn out in 5 years.
I met a great girl in a different state, PA. We fell in love, this was my best friend, not just any love connection. It was different. I saw myself with her and content for the rest of my life. Can't say that about even my marriage of 4 years. After being here PA, for 6 months, the transition was tough. New place, new culture, new everything. I missed home and all it had to offer. You don't see this until you move away. But it was only 3 hours away.
Many stresses unforeseen where brought into the relationship. Her ex husband caused many problems directly and indirectly. Court and custody issues etc ..... it was very stressful and sometimes scary. I had a hard time finding adequate employment in the area, and did not want to go back into EMS. The chronic problems and stress continued for a good year. We started a business together, I had an artistic background and we formed a decent sign and graphics business. I have always been sharp, articulate, and an excellent multi-tasker. I have always been able to do what I want ... when I want ... when it came to going to the store, taking a little trip or sitting with the neighbor next door, talking about nothing and everything all night long, without ANY discomfort.
Aside from chronic issues going on, (too many to talk about) I was watching a NASCAR race on TV the 500 in February 2006. I noticed I was not feeling right. My brain felt off "woozy". Woozy is MY word till this day. Shortly after this there were some arguments and I noticed when I was upset or raised my voice (which I don't like to do), I became even more woozy and weird feeling.
Then one day out of the blue we where talking (not arguing) about some stress issues. I was just standing talking and suddenly my head (brain) began spinning, NOT the room spinning. I felt out of control (of my senses). I told my GF something is wrong with me. I had to lay face down with my head in my hands (face down). I could not move my neck to lift my head. I could not describe what was wrong. My heart rate was normal. Breathing rate normal, (although shallow) from fear, and I just felt out of it and very woozy, it felt like my brain was on TILT ..... like a computer that freezes up or a pinball machine that goes on tilt and freezes. I was in this face down position for about 10 minutes. She calmed me and slowly it released it's grip.
This same thing happened 2 times more after this, but not as sever, on later dates.
Then while in Virginia beach, for a get away weekend, I was ordering a pizza in a Pizza shop, and I told my GF I didn't feel right, woozy, weak, spacey, dazed, and all the people and sounds ... sounded like being in an echo chamber. Did I mention I don't do drugs? And never have? This was like doing drugs. She said my eyes looked glazed, glassy. After going back to the hotel room I ate, calmed down and felt better except for the following bathroom issues, I'll spare you that.
Returning from the weekend trip, I felt ok. My GF then had a female Cancer scare that turned out to be nothing serious. But I panicked and thought the absolute worse, despite my medical background and feared if something happened to her, I loved her so much, i couldn't imagine life without her. What would I do alone in PA by myself if something did happen to her. I felt woozy during these thoughts, just odd. Brain kind of racey. Detached.
Then the court issues came up with her and her ex, I dreaded going to court for their custody issues, I just wanted a peaceful life. During this time I was still wozzy, and became depressed because I was not getting any better. Then I started with feeling detached and not quite with my environment. I was/am totally cognizant of what I was doing, where I was and all that, but just not feeling that warm, every thing is fine feeling, where life is in focus and content. This move to PA all of a sudden hit me that I may have made the wrong move. I wasn't eating right, and was basically not functioning at all. It was a struggle to do anything and feeling dazed and spacey scared me to the core. Life seemed flat.
After all the court issues were done, I went to every doctor and specialist imaginable. All findings normal, except some small glitches on my MRI on the frontal lobe that was deemed, "insignificant". All blood labs normal. However the ENT thought the true basic cause for my anxiety and fear was more likely from and eye/inner ear connection. But could not prove this. They even suggested painless migraines. (my suspicion) was seizure like activity. But again, nothing found.
Fast forward to today.
Since all this happened, I have serious trouble, walking in stores, talking to people for any length of time, I cannot turn too fast because I get motion sick, my eyes jerk slightly when focusing and reading, I am still spacey, a bit dazed especially without sound sleep, don't feel like I am real sometimes or even here (alive) but I am and I know it. Flat. My body is always in a minor chronic state of fear. My world has become very small. I don't play my drums out in bands anymore, I am uncomfortable around anyone anywhere, I feel drugged when I am walking through stores, and not totally connected. It has become very hard for me to get groceries. I cannot drive to far, sometimes I feel like my vision shifts and it scares me. I used to drive 70-80 miles per hour looking left and right quickly for house numbers as a Paramedic, without a trace of problems.
Till this day 3 years later ... this is what my life is like 24/7. I do get minor relief first thing in the morning after a good nights rest. Then as the day goes on especially under fluorescent lights, I get more spacey and fatigued (brain fatigue). Too many customers or phone calls I get overwhelmed mentally. Wow if you only knew me in emergency situations, total 360 degree change.
Yes I have seen a psychologist 10 times, he has 26 years experience. He say's it's GAD, situational stress and minor depression. Plus he believes there is an underlying organic issue. This has not been found.
Saw a psychiatrist, 30 years experience, feels it's major depression, I asked him if I was going crazy, he assured me it was not a serious mental illness such as Bipolar, Schizophrenia, etc ..... he tried several AD's ... I hated them ALL. They either speed me up much or make me feel severely flat and drugged. Not for me. The only thing that gave me some relief is .25 of Xanax. Which I do not take anymore. It's not much different then a couple glasses of wine, it calms the body but never the woozy issue I have.
The only thing that does seem to help is psuedophedrine in very small doses. This levels my focus, and I think more clear. It brings me more out of the spacey, dazed feeling, but NOTHING ever brings me back to where I was 5 years ago. Also Excedrine helps (I think the caffeine) and a cup of coffee also helps. It seems stimulants actually have a focus and calming effect for me. Yes they do make me a little jitterey, but nothing severe.
When I wear my contacts it makes motion issues worse, when I wear my glasses it seem to reduce the problem about 30%, which is weird, it should be the other way around. My vision is 20/20. NOTHING found wrong with my vision. At least from my eyes them self.
Anyway ....... as I write this long winded story, I have lost my GF that I loved more then anything, because she could not handle the stress of the failing economy, which has ruined our business almost all the way causing severe financial stress, and the fact that I could not get a second job due to my health issues. I couldn't go out with her to restaurants and fun stuff like I used to. I apologized for this many times. Any way she left the business, relationship and me. My parents offer verbal support and really have an "I am not interested in the stress" from what I am going through. But always give "best wishes" lol.
So my main issue now is I cannot get work anywhere because I am not functioning right, and no meds seem to work, I am in a state by myself with a failing business (due to no customers) our work is/was excellent, and no where to turn, still trying to find answers for this feeling in my head that won't quit. So I joined this forum to see if maybe someone else has/is going through this. I have never been NOTable to just pull myself up and re-start in life by finding a job ... digging a ditch if I had to, just to get by and start fresh. This has disabled me beyond belief. I asked my GF to please stay because I know she loves me and told me that when leaving. I told her I have a handicap apparently, many couples stay together through worse. But she wanted a different life. So that's that.
So here I am in the middle of the Ocean, in a life raft ....... and cannot see any land.
If you knew me 5 years ago you would be amazed at how self sufficient I was as a person. Alive, determined, optimistic, etc .... I miss drumming, people, shopping, going for drives and so much more. My biggest fear is now who will want someone in my position? How do I get a relationship with someone who wants to go out for dinner? How do I provide for my partner or family? Or myself for that matter.
What sucks the most is that I am a pretty good looking guy still in very good physical shape, all my hair and look pretty young for my age. I still have a lot to offer. Love, caring, affection, dedication ... but my brain won't give me a break. I swear I had a stroke, or blood vessel issue, but all test say otherwise. Maybe I'll find some answers on this forum. If you read all this, I think you are an amazing individual lol.
Ultimately I feel like my brain is off kilter. For a better description it's like this ... when coming out of a pool of water, sometimes water remains in your ear canal. You feel OFF ... then when you tip your head and tap your ear the water comes out. Then you feel normal ...... well for me the water never came out and I still feel off. Add in, a flat feeling in life, plus that feeling just before a Doctor comes in with your test results that could be life threatening, but then he gives you good news and you relax and feel relieved. I still feel like I am waiting for the news ........... plus ... not fully attached to my environment, but not out of body, all though I do feel like I am not real sometimes, but I laugh at that now ....... also I feel sometimes the opposite of claustrophobia ....... like I fear life ... or am not connected with it.
Does any of this sound familiar to anyone? Thanks, Mike
This is the second forum I belong to. The other being business related and not health related. So fortunately I am familiar with this vBulletin type forum.
My name is Mike, and I am in my early 40's.
My story (when all this came on) is so long it would be way to long to write and most would not read it all anyway. My goal is to share experiences and hopefully find like symptoms and problems from others so I can hopefully find the real answer to what happened to me. The majority of my life 20 years ... I spent as an emergency services worker as a Paramedic in the USA, upstate NY. A high volume city, running 5-8 calls per shift. From shootings to diabetics to minor scrapes and cuts to ... yes, psychological issues. I dealt with many panic stricken and anxiety stricken patients. Now ... I think I am one and have had minimal luck helping myself. Ironic huh?
I have had minor issues here and there throughout my life. Feeling spacey/dazed a couple times as a kid 16-19 years old. Feeling a little anxious - weird, but for only moments at a time maybe a full day here and there. Never thought much of it. No drugs, minimal alcohol, I was high on life, drumming and girls. :wink:
Fast forward to my late 30's. After divorce, and a significant reduction in being able to handle stress, especially emergency service stress, I went into a more mundane corporate type job. And only dabbled in EMS part-time. I knew something was up. Heart palps, rapid heart rate, (while relaxed) ... dread going on the next call etc ....... burn out I attributed it too. Which was fine, I wanted out at 40 anyway. Most Paramedics burn out in 5 years.
I met a great girl in a different state, PA. We fell in love, this was my best friend, not just any love connection. It was different. I saw myself with her and content for the rest of my life. Can't say that about even my marriage of 4 years. After being here PA, for 6 months, the transition was tough. New place, new culture, new everything. I missed home and all it had to offer. You don't see this until you move away. But it was only 3 hours away.
Many stresses unforeseen where brought into the relationship. Her ex husband caused many problems directly and indirectly. Court and custody issues etc ..... it was very stressful and sometimes scary. I had a hard time finding adequate employment in the area, and did not want to go back into EMS. The chronic problems and stress continued for a good year. We started a business together, I had an artistic background and we formed a decent sign and graphics business. I have always been sharp, articulate, and an excellent multi-tasker. I have always been able to do what I want ... when I want ... when it came to going to the store, taking a little trip or sitting with the neighbor next door, talking about nothing and everything all night long, without ANY discomfort.
Aside from chronic issues going on, (too many to talk about) I was watching a NASCAR race on TV the 500 in February 2006. I noticed I was not feeling right. My brain felt off "woozy". Woozy is MY word till this day. Shortly after this there were some arguments and I noticed when I was upset or raised my voice (which I don't like to do), I became even more woozy and weird feeling.
Then one day out of the blue we where talking (not arguing) about some stress issues. I was just standing talking and suddenly my head (brain) began spinning, NOT the room spinning. I felt out of control (of my senses). I told my GF something is wrong with me. I had to lay face down with my head in my hands (face down). I could not move my neck to lift my head. I could not describe what was wrong. My heart rate was normal. Breathing rate normal, (although shallow) from fear, and I just felt out of it and very woozy, it felt like my brain was on TILT ..... like a computer that freezes up or a pinball machine that goes on tilt and freezes. I was in this face down position for about 10 minutes. She calmed me and slowly it released it's grip.
This same thing happened 2 times more after this, but not as sever, on later dates.
Then while in Virginia beach, for a get away weekend, I was ordering a pizza in a Pizza shop, and I told my GF I didn't feel right, woozy, weak, spacey, dazed, and all the people and sounds ... sounded like being in an echo chamber. Did I mention I don't do drugs? And never have? This was like doing drugs. She said my eyes looked glazed, glassy. After going back to the hotel room I ate, calmed down and felt better except for the following bathroom issues, I'll spare you that.
Returning from the weekend trip, I felt ok. My GF then had a female Cancer scare that turned out to be nothing serious. But I panicked and thought the absolute worse, despite my medical background and feared if something happened to her, I loved her so much, i couldn't imagine life without her. What would I do alone in PA by myself if something did happen to her. I felt woozy during these thoughts, just odd. Brain kind of racey. Detached.
Then the court issues came up with her and her ex, I dreaded going to court for their custody issues, I just wanted a peaceful life. During this time I was still wozzy, and became depressed because I was not getting any better. Then I started with feeling detached and not quite with my environment. I was/am totally cognizant of what I was doing, where I was and all that, but just not feeling that warm, every thing is fine feeling, where life is in focus and content. This move to PA all of a sudden hit me that I may have made the wrong move. I wasn't eating right, and was basically not functioning at all. It was a struggle to do anything and feeling dazed and spacey scared me to the core. Life seemed flat.
After all the court issues were done, I went to every doctor and specialist imaginable. All findings normal, except some small glitches on my MRI on the frontal lobe that was deemed, "insignificant". All blood labs normal. However the ENT thought the true basic cause for my anxiety and fear was more likely from and eye/inner ear connection. But could not prove this. They even suggested painless migraines. (my suspicion) was seizure like activity. But again, nothing found.
Fast forward to today.
Since all this happened, I have serious trouble, walking in stores, talking to people for any length of time, I cannot turn too fast because I get motion sick, my eyes jerk slightly when focusing and reading, I am still spacey, a bit dazed especially without sound sleep, don't feel like I am real sometimes or even here (alive) but I am and I know it. Flat. My body is always in a minor chronic state of fear. My world has become very small. I don't play my drums out in bands anymore, I am uncomfortable around anyone anywhere, I feel drugged when I am walking through stores, and not totally connected. It has become very hard for me to get groceries. I cannot drive to far, sometimes I feel like my vision shifts and it scares me. I used to drive 70-80 miles per hour looking left and right quickly for house numbers as a Paramedic, without a trace of problems.
Till this day 3 years later ... this is what my life is like 24/7. I do get minor relief first thing in the morning after a good nights rest. Then as the day goes on especially under fluorescent lights, I get more spacey and fatigued (brain fatigue). Too many customers or phone calls I get overwhelmed mentally. Wow if you only knew me in emergency situations, total 360 degree change.
Yes I have seen a psychologist 10 times, he has 26 years experience. He say's it's GAD, situational stress and minor depression. Plus he believes there is an underlying organic issue. This has not been found.
Saw a psychiatrist, 30 years experience, feels it's major depression, I asked him if I was going crazy, he assured me it was not a serious mental illness such as Bipolar, Schizophrenia, etc ..... he tried several AD's ... I hated them ALL. They either speed me up much or make me feel severely flat and drugged. Not for me. The only thing that gave me some relief is .25 of Xanax. Which I do not take anymore. It's not much different then a couple glasses of wine, it calms the body but never the woozy issue I have.
The only thing that does seem to help is psuedophedrine in very small doses. This levels my focus, and I think more clear. It brings me more out of the spacey, dazed feeling, but NOTHING ever brings me back to where I was 5 years ago. Also Excedrine helps (I think the caffeine) and a cup of coffee also helps. It seems stimulants actually have a focus and calming effect for me. Yes they do make me a little jitterey, but nothing severe.
When I wear my contacts it makes motion issues worse, when I wear my glasses it seem to reduce the problem about 30%, which is weird, it should be the other way around. My vision is 20/20. NOTHING found wrong with my vision. At least from my eyes them self.
Anyway ....... as I write this long winded story, I have lost my GF that I loved more then anything, because she could not handle the stress of the failing economy, which has ruined our business almost all the way causing severe financial stress, and the fact that I could not get a second job due to my health issues. I couldn't go out with her to restaurants and fun stuff like I used to. I apologized for this many times. Any way she left the business, relationship and me. My parents offer verbal support and really have an "I am not interested in the stress" from what I am going through. But always give "best wishes" lol.
So my main issue now is I cannot get work anywhere because I am not functioning right, and no meds seem to work, I am in a state by myself with a failing business (due to no customers) our work is/was excellent, and no where to turn, still trying to find answers for this feeling in my head that won't quit. So I joined this forum to see if maybe someone else has/is going through this. I have never been NOTable to just pull myself up and re-start in life by finding a job ... digging a ditch if I had to, just to get by and start fresh. This has disabled me beyond belief. I asked my GF to please stay because I know she loves me and told me that when leaving. I told her I have a handicap apparently, many couples stay together through worse. But she wanted a different life. So that's that.
So here I am in the middle of the Ocean, in a life raft ....... and cannot see any land.
If you knew me 5 years ago you would be amazed at how self sufficient I was as a person. Alive, determined, optimistic, etc .... I miss drumming, people, shopping, going for drives and so much more. My biggest fear is now who will want someone in my position? How do I get a relationship with someone who wants to go out for dinner? How do I provide for my partner or family? Or myself for that matter.
What sucks the most is that I am a pretty good looking guy still in very good physical shape, all my hair and look pretty young for my age. I still have a lot to offer. Love, caring, affection, dedication ... but my brain won't give me a break. I swear I had a stroke, or blood vessel issue, but all test say otherwise. Maybe I'll find some answers on this forum. If you read all this, I think you are an amazing individual lol.
Ultimately I feel like my brain is off kilter. For a better description it's like this ... when coming out of a pool of water, sometimes water remains in your ear canal. You feel OFF ... then when you tip your head and tap your ear the water comes out. Then you feel normal ...... well for me the water never came out and I still feel off. Add in, a flat feeling in life, plus that feeling just before a Doctor comes in with your test results that could be life threatening, but then he gives you good news and you relax and feel relieved. I still feel like I am waiting for the news ........... plus ... not fully attached to my environment, but not out of body, all though I do feel like I am not real sometimes, but I laugh at that now ....... also I feel sometimes the opposite of claustrophobia ....... like I fear life ... or am not connected with it.
Does any of this sound familiar to anyone? Thanks, Mike