update

[mlondon]

Hi everyone

I always mean to come on here when I am doing fine to write a positive message and haven't got round to it but hopefully this is mainly positive.

I haven't written on here for quite a few months now. Against all the odds and with the help of medication and family, I moved to Australia, began my studies and am developing a life here. I live with my gran which is a real help. I have been out and about, flown alone to see family and generally have got better and better, in fact I have felt generally 'normal'.

However there are things that make me anxious. I have met a guy I like and I am worried I will become too anxious about seeing him and then won't be able to. Also I smoked some weed on monday, now this is something i never do, but i had a 'what the hell' moment. I literally had 2 puffs that was it. But I know what it can do to people so the guilt and worry has been playing on my mind for the past 2 days. I am now feeling anxious and find it hard to concentrate, i want to stem this anxiety in the bud. It was pretty hard to go to work today but i knew i had to as I don't want to spiral.

Any advice would be good ...

[alias_kev]

Hey, "m". Great to hear from you, I thought you'd become another of the disappearing people... :) With all the new stuff you had to cope with its no surprise you didn't get back to see us. Its also good to know that you've made such progress. :hugs:That can give some extra hope to others, especially younger members like yourselfs - where hopefully the illness is not as entrenched and things can get turned around much faster.

Sounds like your Gran has been good for you. Its often a benefit if we can find someone who can support us just right. Its the balance between protecting us and pushing us which I think people find so hard to get right, even when they aren't afraid of our illness or moods. I'd assumed you'd moved with your immediate family when you talked about going to Aus before.

Sorry to hear that a few things have reved up the anxiety a bit anew. I can't give much advice on guys (ha-ha) but its not uncommon even for normal people to suffer from that sort of relationship anxiety. Many people avoid intimacy or emotional entanglements as that way they can never lose them. So a fear of loss grows into a fear of intimacy almost into a fear of happiness/fun. I think its worth fighting that especially as you are young free and single. Its a balance between keeping people at arms length and overcommiting or becoming dependent. I don't think either of those is healthy but like other aspects of our illness its a learning situation. You need to feel your way into a better balance.

If you take things slow and steady with your new friend then you can be in part control of events and in control of your emotions and fears. If the guy can't go slow then he's probably not too well suited to an anxiety sufferer. We need tons of close support and tons of space (I think) which is a hard balance so someone adaptable and caring would be a good choice! Oh lord - now I'm turning into an agony aunt. :blush:

Personally I'd say give the unofficial medications a miss. And I think I'd even include cigaretes and significant alcohol in that. Our brain chemistry must be less robust than normal people's plus you mentioned being on official meds. Don't fret about having had a brief try of something - I doubt a one off can do much harm if you survived it at the time - ie. no drug interaction or allergic reaction. I tend to think our chemistry is too wacked to begin with to expect it to handle anything extra. Its like the relationship thing we are prone to reject or over-indulge or become dependent and in something optional (unlike human relationships) it probably is best to give things a miss.

Anyway - Take Care. Its nice to hear things are progressing. Don't be shy of talking to us even when you are on top of things. Its much less troubling than people disappearing! :flowers: