Feeling shame because of Depression

[Bluebelle]

I've been having a horrific time of late- I am now on week 3 of citalopram 20mgs and I was wondering if anyone else has a feeling of being ashamed of their depression.

My family has not been supportive of my situation and it has become an issue for me- I have been made to feel like I have brought shame to our genetic family tree.

It seems like this is becoming something by which my family will use to define my contribution to the world. Like everything I have achieved prior to my depression somehow doesn't count and anything I have to offer in the future will be tainted by my "mental illness". I feel like they don't trust me anymore, and when I do recover it will be a wasted effort because I am always going to be treated as a potential "nut case".

I don't know how to see myself outside of my family's judgement and if I am viewed with shame or is this a symptom of my depression. It is really hard I am totally by myself and don't have anyone to discuss this with.

Any feed back would be greatly appreciated

[melody]

Hi,

it's a shame your family is so unsupportive. It must be hard for you. I have often felt ashamed of my mental illness for many of the years I have suffered from it. If I accidentally admit to it in a conversation I have often felt a sense of doom that could last for days like I did something terribly wrong & something terrible would happen. It faded out in time. Nothing terrible ever happened. One person was rude & I gave her a letter saying it was my problem, why did she care & to have some manners & be civil. That was the hardest thing that happened. She did start faking polite after that so that was good :)

I found I kept getting hurt by people's opinions about my chronic pain. It would make me fume & cry buckets. I had to learn to not bring it up any more, if I didn't want to hear others opinions about it. If it came up I would say I don't like to talk about it. I got so sick of talking about it & most people don't get it anyway, so it's a waste of time. If they keep trying to talk about it, I could always get up & walk away which would prove the point that I didn't want to discuss it, ever again.

That was what was right for me. I didn't want to be or feel put down anymore, so I found other ways to vent, or only said those things to people I knew were supportive. It's probably just that they don't know how to handle it as they've never been through it & they don't know any right things to say. Often people snap & seem harsh, but they might think they were helping, because that's what would work for them.

Family can be painfully honest about the way they feel. The depression distorts it & makes it seem worse so it can feel like helplessness. It's mostly an illusion, partly real, I think?

I don't know if that helps, it's just how I feel. You should never feel ashamed of yourself. You can be proud that you took a positive step to help yourself heal by seeking help. I think it makes you much more strong than the person who burries their head in the sand (ie. me, for years) meaning they take that much longer to get better.

Also, try not to take their bait! If they are stirring you up. If possible :)

Melody

[Thumbelina]

Bluebell,
Dont think you are the only one having guilt.
I am married with two kids and living away from my parents who though try to understand me still feels like I should be guilty anyway.
My husband is not supportive in this and not even trying to be.
I gave up on that. Just trying to get on and concentrate on the kids and not to share with him anything about my condition as I will only get more upset with him.
I feel guilty the days I cannot even smell food and the kids need food to be cooked. The days I do not feel seing anybody and my husband arranges barbeque for 20 people - "to cheer me up!!!". When I try to cut the holidays because it stresses me out and i would like to be back in routine and comfort zones.
Feel guilty about thinking the things I shouldn be - but what can i do?
This morning after sleep full of weird vivid nightmares - started telling myself - its true we cannot control what comes into our minds but we can control reaction to it.

I tried repeating it to myself as well as that all the other weirs things and emotions happening to me just the part of the condition. An and i started accepting it little by little at least for today.

We are not better ill than people with broken leg, transplant or stroke.

You have illness and should not be ashamed of it. Allthese are symptoms and they will go away slowly when your recovery will be taking over.

Take care

[Bluebelle]

Melody and Thumbalina a big THANK YOU !!!
I dare not discuss my depression with anyone besides my counsellor and GP and you've both reassured me that it is okay to be feeling this way.

Part of my problem is that I am in a family business and although there is never any discussion regarding my situation they have noticed I have been going to the dr.'s which is very unusual for me, so I was forced to tell them about my depression. Who am I kidding? As if they didn't notice my constantly puffy cried out eyes!

Melody way to go on the letter to the rude person ! Bravo you're an inspiration to strength.
Thumbalina I am sorry to hear your husband is not supportive and I amazed at you strength as well- I am so inspired by the way to care for your children.

Thank you
Blue

[melody]

Hi Blue,

I am glad to hear you feel a little better. If you could be as kind to yourself as you have been to us it would be great for you. You have been very strong to keep on with your work & keep your chin up every day with your family. You have been very strong to seek help with doctors & counselors, I know how hard it is to do.

Thumbelina has some good advice with the affirmations, telling yourself what you want to feel about yourself but don't. They do work!
I say "I am OK!"
No matter what my depression tries to tell me, I have to tell myself I'm an OK person. No matter what guilt tries to tell me, I have to know that even though I can never be perfect, I know I am OK. Because before I started saying that, I didn't think I was OK. I thought I was a freak, no one could possibly like me if they knew I had mental illness. It was never true, I am learning that more & more all the time. If I be honest, people are more honest with me & I learn more & more that I am not alone in all of this, just like you aren't. So many people believe this misconception that no one would accept them if they found out about mental illness, so they don't admit it. Admitting it has helped me feel less misunderstood.

Part of the recovery is realizing that everything you feel is OK. Even if you don't understand it strait away. Our feelings tell us who we are & what we need out of life. There can never be anything wrong with that. The only thing that could be wrong is to deny those feelings, because it hurts our soul. I thank you for your honesty. It also shows me that I am not alone in this :)

Kindest wishes :)

Melody

[Bluebelle]

Melody !
Thank you- you have no idea how much your words of wisdom have helped me. My outlook on life changed almost immediately after digesting your last post. You seem like you have experienced alot in life and I amazed at your calm and seemingly peaceful approach to life. It is truly remarkable and I know I have said this to you before but you are an inspiration- you are gifted in your strength. To have such insight into the workings of a depressed mind is really a gift. You've really helped me to start to accept my feelings both good and bad- it is a challenge.
Thank you so much for sharing your gift with me and remember you're not alone either and I am always here for you. I don't know how to PM at the moment but I am here for you!
Love-Blue

[Thumbelina]

during depression I am almost convinced that there is no way back to normal judgement.

I see everything I have done as a failed attempt. all choices wrong, all the current state of things as pity, abover from children. They deserve it all. Therefore not evertyhing is that bad!!!!!

[Budgie]

I feel completely ashamed about depression/anxiety. I feel like I don't want to admit things to people I know and even my gp because I think they'll just roll their eyes and say 'here she goes again, moaning on, for goodness sakes!!' :unsure:

When I'm walking down a street, I always feel like its obvious I'm weak and a failure, and everyone can see it.:unsure: