friend problems

[SarahP]

Argh, why do some people just not get how sh*tty anxiety and depression are??? :shrug:

I've had the same group of friends since I was about 5, and for as long as I can remember I have always had to be paranoid about how they felt about me (they're big ones for bitching behind backs) although now we're 22 you'd think that would stop. I think I've always been seen as the weakest in our group (I have red hair and cry very easily) so maybe it's always been ok for them to pick on me. It's never been serious enough for us to fall out completely and as we've got older it's got better, but recently I know I've been withdrawing from them and only seeing other friends who can be more understanding and who I can relax around.

Anyway, yesterday I panicked at something on facebook and thought they were going out without me, and went into a panic spiral (esp since I've just broken up with my boyfriend, am scared of losing everyone), and now they've been bitching about me. They think I use my anxiety as an excuse and they're not happy that I haven't seen them in ages. They've even got one of our friends who is away at uni to ring me and tell me that I need to make more of an effort.

These people are part of the root cause of my anxiety, desperately trying to win favour with them has been the story of my life. Today I've been frantically ringing and texting round to try and sort it out.

I'm at my wits' end with it all, and am trying hard to keep calm as I know panicking won't help me. How am I meant to get better gradually if my 'close' friends won't even try and understand???

ARGH.

Thanks to anyone who managed to read all of that. I'm glad I have a place to rant where I know there are nice people at the other end of the line!! :)

Sarah xx

[Louize]

My friends are doing this too - ive just been talking to another member about it actually.

Im 18 somost my friends are going clubbing which ive not done in a while now..... but everytime they ask and i say no, i can see the look on their faces that says "you never do" "your boring" - they dont seem to get that i cant go out clubbing. Im reluctant to keep holding on to these friends - but if i dont, i wont go out at all, which scares me even more.

I hope you sort this out hun. i know how hard it is to see that your friends just dont understand.

[drummermike]

"These people are part of the root cause of my anxiety, desperately trying to win favour with them has been the story of my life. Today I've been frantically ringing and texting round to try and sort it out."

Hi Sarah .......... first of all gossip and rdicule does not stop at 22 years old. Secondly stick with the group that is supportive, RUN from the group that is not.

READ your above paragraph. Do you honestly think "these people" are the root of YOUR problems? No wonder you have such anxiety. All of us are good people trying to please others. There has to be a limit.

That paragraph you wrote is a gift to you and your real source of anxiety, I think.

Mike

[goldilockz]

Hi Sarah,
I'm very similar to you, I also have red hair and cry easily and have some really rubbish friends who have let me down a lot recently and I've decided to break all ties with them. I'm not saying you should do the same thing but I would recommend having a quiet word with them (or one of them) about how you're feeling and hopefully they will respond in a nice way rather than with bitchiness. I know that for me, the behaviour of my so-called friends was more than I could take and although it's difficult, the only way I could stop them affecting me was to cut them from my life. They completely ignored me while we were sitting our finals at university, lied to me, went out on trips without me and generally made me feel as if I didn't belong. I eventually realised that it's more their loss than it is mine. If that's how they want to treat people, fair enough, but it's not how I chose to go about it. You seem like a lovely, caring person and need friends who are going to support rather than ridicule you. I hope you're ok and please feel free to pm me if you're down,
Jenny xx

[alias_kev]

Hey girls, Hey Mike. Sorry I say "girls" cos you're all much younger than me (sob).

I realise that you are torn between your need to have friends any friends and the fact that these people seem to be anything but that. Like Mike said and goldilockz experienced on a lot of levels you may be better off without people like this.

It would be bad enough if you only felt you had to behave in a certain way to keep their friendship - a common anxiety sufferer trait. It sounds though like they explicitly demand that you behave in certain ways and do certain things. They also seem to have taken offence that you have any other friends at all. As for this: They've even got one of our friends who is away at uni to ring me and tell me that I need to make more of an effort. Its beyond belief. I cannot beleive that any group of friends could do anything like this - even groups of girls - who according to my daughter spend most of their time bitching about each other anyway. I could imagine getting someone to call and see if you were alright, or needed help or company or even just what they'd done to upset you but thats just tragic.

I watched a program a while ago about Dog Packs. Everyone these days knows they have an Alpha male and an Alpha female. This told us about the Omega Dog. The Omega is the bottom rather than the top dog. The omega is the one everybody takes their feelings out on, the one that's picked on. It will be defended as a member of the group BUT the group picks on it and its even the last one to get food. Eventually it dies from lack of food or wounds, and another member becomes the omega dog. Apparently dog packs that lack an omega dog do not thrive as well as the abuse and starvation in spread out across the pack. It sounds to me like your "friends" need you as their omega! Without you they'd fret about each others behavour and bully each other - you provide their outlet.

On a lighter note - where were all you readheads in need of a hug when I was at school and uni!?!?! Sigh. Never in the right place at the right decade.

Seriously though if you have some other friends that can be caring focus on those ones. If you lack other friends talk to people on here for now and try and find outlets where you might meet new/better people (college, night school, a sport, gym or club).

I know I'm old compared to you lot, but the middle aged can lack friends too - let alone understanding ones. That's one reason I spend so much time on here and other places. Its an outlet with a bit of a connection for me atleast - I don't feel so alone with the contents of my head.

Take Care all of you.

[goldilockz]

Kevin,
What excellent advice, you really made me smile and I hope it helps Sarah too. That's really interesting about the Omega dog, I wish I'd seen that programme as often, that's what I feel I am to my friends. You're right, it seems that girls spend a lot of time bitching about so-called friends and it is difficult to find a true friend to rely on. Being on these forums makes me realise that there are lovely people out there, somewhere, even though at times it feels like everyone in the world is cold and judgemental.
As for the redhead comment, I'm glad someone appreciates us! I was dreadfully teased at school for having red hair but now I see it as one of my greatest asset!
Take care,
Jenny xx

[Captain America]

wow that omega dog analogy is great! in hindsight i was once the omega dog in my group but found a way to turn the group onto someone else to pick on so i didn't have to be the omega dog anymore. in hindsight, i'd have been better off just getting some new friends.

[Captain America]

and redheads are beautiful. anyone teasing you is just jealous! i think all girls are secretly jealous of redheads.

er...i mean girls of course. i don't know if redheaded guys are beautiful or not.

[Str33tb0y]

well im a red headed guy..well its more blonde than red nowa days dunno why but i got bullied at school for most of my life.... so I would say you listen to Mike and Kevs advice theres nothing rong with being around people who make you comfortable..unfortuantely a similar thing happened to me when i was your age...and since then most of my so called friends are not friends as they did some really awful things behind my back..stuff i wouldnt even talk about on here, it didnt help with my anxiety problem at all.

Ive only got a couple of really close friends now, and a few other buddies that live miles away! but I can talk to them on the fone now and again or text and stuff if need be...it does help but i yearn for some real company :)

you be comfortable with who you wanna hang around with i say, it will help you relax a bit :)

[alias_kev]

Thanks Goldilockz for you generous remarks. I just thought the whole omega dog thing sounded so much like all of you had described I had to make the connection. And after all dogs are mammals AND pack animals, and so are teenage friends. I thought Captain America's revelation both supported by theory and was pretty sad too. Like in the dog pack the only way to stop being omega dog is to find another even weaker target.

Its sad how kids (and adults) treat redheads or even other obvious differences (perceived as defects). A sad truth is that some redhead children do seem to have "target" written on their forehead, and for others its just the obvious thing. Maybe it is an omega programme in human brains too: Find an obvious target and deflect all the grief and tension that way.

I was fairly clever, not sporty and I suppose a bit geeky at school. Luckily it was a grammar school so I wasn't that unusual there. At uni I had loads of people that knew me, many aquaintances, but only a few close friends. So it can be a mixed bag even without "red". I also always seemed to end up in the section labeled "friend" or even "a best friend" when it came to girls - which got pretty discouraging too. So I can identify with some of the awkwardness and some of the social dependancy that was being talked about.

Take care girls - and guys. Off to bed its 3 am - been up cos there was some bad stuff going on in the extended family.

[SarahP]

Wow, thanks for the support everyone. yes, I am realising that perhaps these 'friends' are not worth bothering with, but I'm scared of being left with no one. Daft I know.

Thanks for the info on the omega dog thing, as it was just what my mum and I were saying last night, picking on the weakest etc. It makes a lot of sense.

Thanks again for the kind words!

Sarah xx

[andie73]

Hi Sarah

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. Friendships have always caused me problems over the years and like you any signs of being alienated form the group would send me into a spin.

I am quite a bit older than you, and without sounding patronising I think you do learn to be less bothered about selfish, uncaring people and begin to value your true support systems. You mentioned there are people who are more understanding in your life and that you have already started to spend more time around them. To me it seems as if you are already making those choices.

I think we all go through this at some point especially if we are still on contact with groups of ex school friends. Sometimes we just grow out of them. People often don't understand anxiety at the point in our lives that we need them to understand. It used to hurt me, and make me feel really different. Now I just think that they are less informed about real life and will be less equipt to deal with other peoples problems because they fail to open up their minds to the fact we are not all the same. That's their loss.

It's ok to be part of a crowd and to feel that you have a part to play within it, but it's so much better to be comfortable being the individual that you are. This group will gradually go through a separation as one by one their lives change direction for whatever reason, marriage, kids whatever. Nothing stays the same forever your strength will come from being used to being on the fringes and looking after yourself.

Well that's what I've found anyway.:yesyes:

[sandy35]

I am sorry you have had to find out who your friends really are as I have had to even at the age of 34. I caught my best friend of 20 years bitching about me to another person on facebook as well and since then I have drifted away from her.

[Lion King]

Friends come and go, its sometimes hard to let them go as you may feel alone, but in times of crisis you really do find out who your friends are. Bitching from others is a sure sign of insecurity on their part, it is hard not to listen to it and take it to heart, but if you allow it this will effect your self esteem and confidence, just remind yourself that it is there problem not yours, it does take strength though when you are feeling insecure.

Be Brave

Lion King