melody
23-05-09, 02:58
Hi,
I find myself wondering yet again if I am too demanding about what I expect a friendship to be, because I feel I am treated as if I am sometimes.
The other part of me is too desperate & needy & wants to change everything about myself any time anyone says I should be this, or I should be that. I think, maybe I should? Everyone else here does it that way. I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable etc.
If I were to have any lasting friendship, people would have to accept certain truths about me:
*I like to show off when dancing & in my sense of style. It is so important to me, because the bright colours I wear make me feel alive & free, like I have a right to occupy my small space in this world. It makes me feel more confident, I ignore if people stare or not, that's not why I do it. I like being free to be myself, even if it means I am different.
*I have chronic pain. I can't always keep up, although I try to.
*I am not willing to put up with being put down about the things that make up my personality, as it's hard enough to rebuild my fragile self esteem as it is.
*I have spent a lot of time soul searching to come to the point where I am. I don't like when people try to force their spirituality on me & tell me I don't get it because I choose a different path. I like hearing the different veiws.
*I don't like if people always have to say I am wrong about everything, instead of the truth, that they disagree with me. I find it disrespectful.
Perhaps I am too demanding. Perhaps if I want to stay who I am & hold my values so tightly I am destined to be alone. Or perhaps I am finally finding myself & by recognizing & being honest about what matters to me I will avoid misunderstandings & making friends with people who would only reject me later when they found out the truth. Or I wouldn't make friends with people who always have to be right, when I have learned that it makes me feel so hurt. I have nothing against them, but it always hurts & I have a choice! I would happily try to improve myself if I was told my actions were hurting anyone, at least towards the person who said it. If me being myself hurts anyone, perhaps we should never be friends anyway, it would be all fake, no meaning.
I believe I can never find any friendships, until I learn to respect & understand myself first. Slowly getting there ... :flowers: Of course it doesn't help I have a habit of rushing off. I keep thinking it's scary, but I'm getting less wussy with time... I like the people in my dance class. They are supportive & they like that I am supportive. If I can be brave & let down my walls, I hope I can become closer friends with any of them someday...
Thankyou!
Melody
I find myself wondering yet again if I am too demanding about what I expect a friendship to be, because I feel I am treated as if I am sometimes.
The other part of me is too desperate & needy & wants to change everything about myself any time anyone says I should be this, or I should be that. I think, maybe I should? Everyone else here does it that way. I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable etc.
If I were to have any lasting friendship, people would have to accept certain truths about me:
*I like to show off when dancing & in my sense of style. It is so important to me, because the bright colours I wear make me feel alive & free, like I have a right to occupy my small space in this world. It makes me feel more confident, I ignore if people stare or not, that's not why I do it. I like being free to be myself, even if it means I am different.
*I have chronic pain. I can't always keep up, although I try to.
*I am not willing to put up with being put down about the things that make up my personality, as it's hard enough to rebuild my fragile self esteem as it is.
*I have spent a lot of time soul searching to come to the point where I am. I don't like when people try to force their spirituality on me & tell me I don't get it because I choose a different path. I like hearing the different veiws.
*I don't like if people always have to say I am wrong about everything, instead of the truth, that they disagree with me. I find it disrespectful.
Perhaps I am too demanding. Perhaps if I want to stay who I am & hold my values so tightly I am destined to be alone. Or perhaps I am finally finding myself & by recognizing & being honest about what matters to me I will avoid misunderstandings & making friends with people who would only reject me later when they found out the truth. Or I wouldn't make friends with people who always have to be right, when I have learned that it makes me feel so hurt. I have nothing against them, but it always hurts & I have a choice! I would happily try to improve myself if I was told my actions were hurting anyone, at least towards the person who said it. If me being myself hurts anyone, perhaps we should never be friends anyway, it would be all fake, no meaning.
I believe I can never find any friendships, until I learn to respect & understand myself first. Slowly getting there ... :flowers: Of course it doesn't help I have a habit of rushing off. I keep thinking it's scary, but I'm getting less wussy with time... I like the people in my dance class. They are supportive & they like that I am supportive. If I can be brave & let down my walls, I hope I can become closer friends with any of them someday...
Thankyou!
Melody