View Full Version : Can't do this anymore
I really hate this anorexia and I hate myself for what I am doing to people. I'm driving all my friends away and I won't have anyone left who wants to know me soon. I know it is all my fault and I don't deserve any help or support.
The anorexia makes me do such stupid things sometimes and although I want to get better, I just can't seem to give it up. I can't let go of needing to restrict food and lose weight to feel better about myself and because the anorexic thoughts tell me I will find love and happiness this way.
Now everyone is getting fed up with my stupid and self-destructive behaviour. I know I am such a terrible person because I can see what it is doing to those who care about me and yet I still don't seem to be able to stop. Now I have made a good friend cross with me and am scared I have driven this person away, and it's all my own fault but I can't handle this anymore.
What if K goes next? Everyone thinks I am choosing the anorexia over them but I'm not. I wish I could make it stop. I want it to go away but I can't make it.
I feel like I'm stuck at the bottom of a huge dark pit full of despair and pain and right now I can't see any way out.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Aww, sorry you feel pants but you're not driving me away, for one.
I can only try to imagine how you are feeling by equating it with my feelings about being outside my comfort zone and how scared I feel sometimes.
If you keep trying to eat bits and succeed then you are doing really well (and it will ensure you stay out of hospital). You need a reward for everytime you manage this and I don't know about any of the others but I really like hearing about you managing to eat say the yoghurt, as its positive steps and gives us all encouragement in our own little endeavours.
Love Piglet and a big hug xx
Karen,
I'm so sorry you feel this way. This disease is not your fault and anyone who thinks so is just wrong. I understand how you feel about driving people away. I have hid my anxiety/panic and depression from my husband for many years for fear that he would not know how to deal with it.
You're not a terrible person, you're just a regular person who needs help for a problem. Everyone has problems they need help with and you are no different.
You may be right when you say you can't stop this. You need the right kind of help at the right time.
:( Hi Karen,
Im so so sorry you are feeling so down today, but you are not alone and we are all still here supporting you and willing you to keep fighting! You have tremendous support here we will never go - even though you feel you may be driving people away, I'm sure this is not true and the friends here will always be here i can assure you.
Please never call yourself a terrible person you are certainly not that and I cannot ever reiterate enough how valuable the support you give on this forum and your other one is! You are an amazing person and I am full of admiration for you, remember that dream of one day being the therapist you thought you might consider doing - well hold onto it, you'd be mega!
Take care Karen and just sending my love and support and huge hugs and I hope the day picks up a bit for you!
((((((((((((((Karen))))))))))))))))))))
love Sax xx[8D]
Thank you Sax, SickofIt and Piglet. You are all really kind.
I know I am really dispicable and I am hurting some of my friends by continuing with this. If I really cared for them I would be able to stop wouldn't I? It is no one's fault but my own and I know I don't deserve any help or support when I put the anorexia first every time.
I do hate myself for being like this and if this friend gives up on me it is my own fault.
I really don't know what to do anymore. I just feel like giving up.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Your a lovely person, and you are not to blame for what has happened, and i am sure other people dont think you are a terrible person. K is a true friend to you, and true friends dont leave in time of need hun. You just have to take things one day at a time, and do like Piglet says eat small bits as often as you can. You do deserve all the help and support that you get hun, and we are all here for you, you havent driven any of us away.
take care hun, and keep going forwards
Love
Trac xxxx
its "just a thought"
Thanks Trac.
I'm just so upset because I think I've hurt this person and made her cross with me. It is my fault and I understand why she is cross because I was really stupid.
You are right that K is a true friend but now I am panicking that K will also get fed up with me and the fact that I'm not making any progress.
Also I can't get an appointment with my therapist this week because she is booked up and I'm really not coping at the moment.
I really wish K could be here. I need her so much.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
30-08-05, 13:18
Karen
Sorry to hear you are feeling so down at the moment.
You know that we are all here for you and reach out to give you virtual hugs all the time.
I think some people may get frustrated with you because you aren't making as good a progress as people would hope for with the anorexia and it becomes very frustrating to offer any good advise. Sometimes we just don't know what to say to help you. We are however always here to listen and offer any support we can.
What do you think you could manage to do that would help with the anorexia and help lift your spirits a bit? Are you able to get out much or are you still feeling poorly? Has Jac been to see you atall?
Does K have any suggestions on what she would like/want you to do to move forward?
I am not sure what else to say except I am here if you want to call me - you have my number ok? I am usually in after 6pm most nights.
Take care of yourself please
xx
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Thanks Nic. I can understand people get frustrated and don't know what to suggest or how to help. I get really frustrated with myself because I'm not getting anywhere.
It is when the anorexia makes me do things that actually make things worse and that could affect my health that I know I am really stupid and I feel I deserve it when people get cross. But then I get really upset because I want to stop and just don't feel able to.
I'm not getting out much. I haven't felt too good the past few days but apart from that I am ok healthwise but just don't have any motivation to go anywhere. I spend all my time trying to battle the anorexic thoughts, obsessing about K or trying to avoid Dad. I'm just exhausted and worn out with it all.
K says I need to block out the voice of anorexia and see through the false promises of happiness and love it gives me. But she also said I am in a very weakened state as a result of my struggle with this and might need hospital and extra support. I still can't cope with the thought of hospital or being away from her though.
I am completely wiped out today having been up all night and now I still can't sleep because of all this upset and panic. I know no one can beat this for me and I have to do it myself but right now I just wish someone would make it all go away. I wish K could make it all go away.
Thanks for saying I can call you.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I need to apologise as it turns out I had a major overreaction and completely misread what was said and the person concerned is not cross with me or leaving me.
The reason I reacted this way is because I believe I would be getting everything I deserve if I had been right about this because my actions were dreadful and very stupid, and I really do hate myself for what I do in the name of this anorexia at times.
I know it must be very frustrating to watch me, not only not make any progress towards getting better, but actually go in the other direction and get worse. I want to be free of this illness but I don't seem to be able to take action to do it.
I am always expecting rejection because I don't think I am worth having people care about me, however I should know better by now that K and my other friends are not going to leave me.
Sorry if I worried anyone.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
30-08-05, 15:10
Karen
Glad it is all sorted now for you.
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Thanks Nic and Nigel.
I was going to try to sleep but feel too awake now so I've just been for a short walk to try to clear my head a bit.
Going to watch a film on TV I think and try to stay up now until tonight.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Sorry you are feeling so low hun. I appreciate the struggle it is for you.
I to have a great fear of rejection but people stay with you because they like you and they want to. Your friends are just looking out for you cause they care.
Please don't ever think you are a terrible person. You are so NOT!!!! you are kind & caring and always here for others.
I'm glad things are a bit more sorted for you now and your looking on the POSITIVE side.:)
Take Care and remember it takes small steps and one day at a time. You will get there I'm sure.
Love & a BIG HUG to you,;)
PIP'S X X X X
Thanks Pips. I thought I was getting a bit better at handling my fear of rejection but I guess today proved otherwise.
I want to say thanks to everyone who posted. I've been trying with my eating this afternoon and have had a sandwich and tried some yoghurt again. I could only manage a couple of spoons though and now I am struggling to try to ignore the anorexic thoughts again. It sounds so stupid when I read back about struggling with such a small amount of food but it really does make me feel like I am so fat.
I was going to try and stay up but I'm shattered and think the only way to stop thinking about eating and how fat I feel is to go to bed for a while and try and get some sleep.
I watched The Karen Carpenter film on TV this after which was really poignant. I still have trouble believing that could happen to me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Everytime you take a mouthful thats a mouthful of strength and health you are giving your body. Hurrah and well done on doing that today.
Love Piglet xx:D:D:D
Hi Karen
Glad you got it sorted out with your friend, i know its hard when your low its easy to misunderstand people and take things the wrong way,
Everyone wants to help you, your not a bad person and do deserve to have nice people around you, try not to beat yourself up over this but praise yourself for all the good things, karen you help a lot of people on this site, you have given a lot of good advice and im sure a lot of people are very grateful to you,
The Karen Carpenter story is truly a tragic one,
at least you can see you have a problem, and do try to help even though it is very hard for you to ignore the anorexic thoughts, we all know you want to, but this is a hard thing to do without the medical support you need and have not recieved,
You will always have my support Karen,
kairen x
Hi Piglet
Thanks for that. I am trying but it is so difficult to keep it going. I find it very hard to motivate myself to eat.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Kairen
Thanks for your support. I tend to think if I am not doing well and making progress then everyone will get fed up and frustrated with me.
I seem to do better at challenging myself regarding anxiety in other areas, like with my social phobia but am finding it almost impossible with this anorexia, and with the attachment issue which is why I get is such a state on days like today.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
i hope your spirits are a bit higher today hun, im glad you sorted things out with K, and well done with the sandwich and yoghurt, lots of small steps take you a long distance, remember that.
Take care
Love and hugs
Trac xx
its "just a thought"
Thanks Trac and Nigel
I'm not sure exactly about having higher spirits today but I am not panicking like I was yesterday. However, I think it is better for me when I am awake all night and sleep during the day because now I can't stop my compulsion to keep checking for signs of K being around, or checking for messages from her. Every time I look and find she hasn't replied and hasn't been online my anxiety increases and I feel more upset and worried.
I see what you are saying about emotions Nigel and they way these are tied to our values and beliefs.
I also think I make some effort with challenging myself with the social phobia because this is the easiest of my issues to try to tackle. So I suppose I am avoiding trying to deal with the others because they are too difficult for me to make any progress with.
Although I might have made some progress in some areas over the last year, overall I have gone downhill and am now worse than I was back then. So I don't think there is anything to be proud of myself for. I just keep indulging in self-destructive behaviours and allowing the anorexia to rule my life. My attachment to K just gets stronger and more obsessive too.
I can't even tear myself away from this computer because I haven't heard from her today:(.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Dad is hassling me again and now he's got one of my brothers doing it too. The phone has rung a couple of times but I ignored it because the number was withheld. Then I got an email from my brother telling me Dad wants me to ring him, followed by a couple of text messages from Dad telling me to tell him when he can ring because he and my brother want to talk to me on the phone.
He won't let it drop and I really don't want to talk to him right now. I realise that might be selfish but I feel I've got enough to deal with as it is and I can't handle the pressure he is putting on me.
If I ignore him he is likely to turn up round here and then I'll have the added anxiety of him banging on my front door, but if I reply he will expect me to speak to him.
All I want is for him to leave me alone.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I'm so glad you sorted that misunderstanding out Karen. Those sort of things happen to us all from time to time, and you wonder what you said, right? The trouble with the internet is that its so much easier to be misunderstood.
Please take comfort in that you still have that friend, as well as loads of others here. Take a look around the site and try and find another member with such a support base. And a lot of that is down to the care you give others.
You are saying that your attachment to K is getting stronger and stronger, and keeping that in check is key. Try to think of us as "mini-K's" as we are here for you as much I'm sure.
I hope you have managed another sandwich today - with a yoghurt as a chaser lol.
Take Care [8D]
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
Thanks Ray.
I am grateful for all the support and friends I have here.
K is different and I cannot help the strength of my feelings for her because of the attachment issue.
I'm feeling really low tonight because I haven't heard from her and everything seems to be combining to push me further down and I just feel complete despair. I'm trying to recover from yesterday and now I am worrying about K and why she has not been in touch.
Added to this dad is still phoning and I can't handle that either. I feel I'm sorry horrible because I want to tell him to leave me alone but of course I couldn't actually do that.
I just want to be with K.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Sending you a hug.
(((((((((((((((((((Karen))))))))))))))))))
Love Piglet xx
Thanks Piglet.
I think I've done something to upset her now because she's been online loads today but hasn't answered my message.
Just can't handle feeling like this anymore.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
paladin806
31-08-05, 23:27
Hi Karen, what do i know, but you have some real genuine support here, so dont worry about K, we all get a little peeved at times, and withdraw till we get our heads round it, this is probably K, she will be hurtin just like you and will come round. As for family, although they appear to be cold and uncaring, i would see that as a sign of being concerned and wanting to help, but like most people who havent experianced what you are going through, they dont know what to say or do and that will frustrate them but they are still concerned or they wouldnt bother. Hope this helps, oh, if you can get Piglet to send you some of the choccies she keeps eatin itwill be good for both of you lol. Take care, be strong. John
Thanks for your message John. I do recognise and appreciate all the support I have here and know I have good friends on this forum. I cannot help the way I feel about K though because it is part of my obsessive attachment issue.
My family are not contacting me out of concern but because dad is trying to pressure me into lying for him to help him in his divorce from my stepmum. I'm not saying they don't care at all but dad has not shown any concern for me in the past with my problems so now I can't help thinking all these attempts at contact are because he wants my help. In fact he keeps telling me he needs me to help him and any good daughter would do this for him.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I am feeling so ill tonight, probably because I didn't sleep well due to worrying about K and the anxiety over this situation with dad. He phoned several times while I was trying to sleep and so when I got up there were all these messages on the phone.
I'm feeling sick and lightheaded, and I have a really bad headache. Think I need to go back to bed but I don't want to be awake all day tomorrow again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
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