Really Down

[Budgie]

I just don't know what to do! :blush:

I've been having issues with depression/anxiety for a long time, and I keep trying, everyday, to keep strong and be brave, but... I just can't keep on. Its so exhausting to pretend eveything is ok. I hate all the lies I tell to people, and I hate myself!

I haven't slept at all in about 2 days, and feel very upset and low. Its horrible when I don't sleep because I end up lying there in silence just thinking and re-thinking and re-thinking again about life and how much I wish I wasn't me, or alive :unsure: It sounds ludicrous to write it, but that's partly what I did last night, and some crying, and some feeling so angry I thought I was going to explode, and then a huge emptiness; it kept going around like that in cycles. I AM so tired, all the time, but then I can't sleep?!! It doesn't make sense.


I feel so conscious of ugliness. I always had a low opinion of myself in that way, but now I just feel so lonely, hideous and unlikable. I've made myself feel this more... oh god, I never admitted this before, not to anyone, not even my gp and maybe it doesn't make sense... but I have been self harming for a while. I don't like blood and guts, so what I've been doing seems a bit odd, perhaps... but now I am marked :unsure: For some time I've been filling a hot water bottle and pressing it against hard my skin, so I feel a sharp burning. The sharpness of the pain, crazy as it sounds, was something that I sort of relished, because it was *a* feeling other than depression, anxiety or numbness. I don't know if this just sounds stupid :blush: But now I have got marks on my stomach and legs, and when I look at them, it makes me feel ashamed and upset of what I've been doing. I hate it so much... and I'm afraid I have done lasting damage... but I did it again last night. I try not to but then I start feeling edgy and panic if I don't :wacko:

Agh, I really don't think this makes any sense, and makes me out like a real prat. :doh:

[Bluebelle]

Budgie
Honey you've shown tremendous courage by admitting to self harming I truly believe this is the first step to a better life. I am sorry to hear that you're crying and not sleeping- that can be really rough.

Sometimes when we don't sleep things magnify and become worse in our minds but it is due to sleep deprivation and doesn't really mean things are actually worse.

Sometimes when I can't sleep and my anxiety is running circles in my head I write it all down. Ususally the next day or when I am feeling better I can see in my writings that my thoughts were anxiety driven rather than reality driven. This has been helpful but it hasn't prevented my anxiety returning!

Maybe you could try and see your GP for some advice on sleeping.

I wish I could help- I am sending you big hugs and you're not alone
Bluebelle

[PoppyC]

Hi Budgie
I agree with the last post - you have done really well in admitting that you self harm.
How are you now feeling? Have you managed to catch up on sleep?
I always feel about a 1000 x worse when I am sleeping poorly.
Dont put yourself down! You deserve to be kind to yourself, not hurt yourself with words and self harm.
Do you think it may be a good idea if you tell your gp how you are feeling?
Are you still taking your medication?? Do you get any counselling?
I hope you have had a better day today? :hugs:

[Budgie]

Thanks guys :hugs: I felt so embarrassed when I wrote this topic, but I'm glad I did, because just to admit whjat I've been doing felt like some relief :blush:

I'm going to be hopefully seeing my gp tomorrow. I'm still not sleeping properly, and I am feeling unwell. I dont know if its a mixture of not sleeping and feeling so low, but I feel so weary and heavy all the time :unsure: Its an effort to do anything. Over the bank holiday weekend, I found it so hard to move out of bed. I didn't get dressed or brush my hair or do anything, it all seemed so pointless. I ended up just lying staring up at the ceiling, feeling mad and despairing. I managed to go for a walk on Sunday, but I still felt so down.

But also, more worringly, I am having a lot of ibs-type problems. I feel A LOT of pain in my lower abdomen and in my back, and its really horrible to put up with now. Also... when I go to the toilet... theres quite a lot of blood... which makes me super anxious. Last night was scary as I had to go to the loo all of a sudden and there was quite a bit of light blood there, and it carried on for a while afterwards. I felt quitre faint for a while, but I think part of that might be anxiety about it. But I just felt so grim :unsure: Today I am now at wor, but I'm in a lot of pain and wish I could be at home :scared15:

I havgot Friday off work as I am going to my friend's funeral. Later that day I also have a CBT assessment. At last! An appointment has come through!! I had thought about waiting uintil then and talking to the CBT person about things, but with this ibs issue I feel like I should go to my gp asap. Tomorrow ... well... :blush: I'm not going to work (shhhhhh) because I have a job interview somewhere else at lunchtime... :blush: Don't tell my work though :whistles: Weirdly, I don't feel anxious about that, I've had so many interviews before I feel oddly calm! Tiomorrow I will feel stressed, but its nice to have something to focus on like this.

Right now tho', I feel so anxious :scared15: OMG, 3:30pm feels an age away! :wacko: