Making friends. I am my own enemy though. Doh!

[melody]

Hi,

I have noticed I forget a lot about people which makes me feel selfish. Favorite people of mine remember details about others, making them feel important, which is what I wish I could be like. I have difficulty trusting my memory as I've always struggled remembering names & details.

If I could stop worrying I may have done something wrong, maybe I could remember some more things & be more the person I am aiming to be.

I had a fun arvo with friends. My mind tried to ruin it for me. I knew "don't be stupid. I did nothing wrong". It wouldn't matter how many times anyone told me this, I have to learn it myself. As if they wouldn't tell me if I were accidentally rude. I was misunderstood once, but I explained & they were like OK. It was taken not how it was meant & they got that & that was the worse thing that happened. I have a strange habit of being cruel & judgemental to myself about socializing which I was accidentally taught by realatives who also had anxiety. I never notice anyone elses faults until they spell it out for me, which can cause hurt. But I am very much more cruel to myself about my perceived faults.

Live & learn hey? Understanding is the first step to overcoming it. It's frustrating!

[expecto patronum]

Hi, I know how you feel, your post describes how I feel most of the time in social situations. I feel guilty about not remembering stuff about other people and their lives, like other people seem to. I have even been told by my Mum that I don't listen/don't care/don't ask people questions or take an interest, but it's not that at all. When I was about 10-12 my Dad started going on at me about how I need to learn to 'communicate' better (which of course made me more anxious) he even called me a "social outcast" at one point :unsure: - I've only just realised how angry I am about the fact that they contributed to, rather than helped me with, my social anxiety, but I can't talk to them about it because I still feel embarrased and ashamed about having social anxiety. But I recently have been trying to be less harsh on myself for this, I try to remind myself that as I have social anxiety that takes over my thoughts when I try to talk to people, it makes everything, including remembering stuff, a lot harder. I think feeling bad about it makes you put pressure on yourself to 'perform' or 'make people like you', which of course leads to anxiety over what you say to people, it turns into a viscious cycle. The key is putting less pressure on yourself, and remembering that it's not the end of the world if you say something silly or someone doesn't like you: though this is easier said than done of course!!
Best Wishes,
Roz.

[melody]

Hi Roz,

I was a bit proud of myself I didn't let myself analyze what I may or may not have done wrong once I recognized my thoughts were going that way. I was a bit disappointed I still got the sinking feeling in my chest, it's an old habit & will take a while to break it.

I'm not even sure if my memory is as terrible as I think it is, or if I haven't used it cause I'm terrified of calling someone by the wrong name or something embarassing & potentially insulting to them.

I am trying to come back to the real world as well. Does anyone really care if I make a mistake, or are they just joking around? Is it really likely that I would hurt someones feelings so terribly & they wouldn't say anything, or give me a dirty look, or walk away or something? I think because I can be oversensitive & scared to speak up, I expect others to be the same, but most people just feel average things with less intensity, so it would be foolish of me to think I need to walk on eggshells with people who don't have mental illness. I can trust that the things they say are the truth & they have nothing against me.

The good/bad news is I am getting back that sense of humour of mine to make jokes that make others groan lol, occasionally I may get a laugh if I fluke a good joke. Getting closer to lighthearted is good :)

Melody

[mau]

Your OP struck a chord with me because I have a terrible memory for names and I have a sarcastic sense of humour.

Which doesn't bode well for my popularity. If you (not you personally )don't get me then IMHO that's your loss as I am an extremely loyal friend. (not in the needy sense)

I do however drop folk who make me feel worthless and bad about myself...
typing that makes me seem arrogant, or that I have bags of confidence?

Ha, if only!

'tis one of my coping mechanisms.

[melody]

Hi,

I agree, if people don't like me, I do have to learn to walk away. It doesn't make me vain, or mean. It's very important for self preservation. If they keep feeling the need for put downs, they probably aren't enjoying my company either. It's so simple, yet it took ages to sink in. Anxiety wastes too much time blaming self, when both people must be partly to blame each, if at all. No one is going to be liked by everyone & that's the way it should be. At the same time if we be ourselves, there will always be some people who do like us. Terrible sense of humour & all ha ha ;)

"Communicate better" what does that even mean anyway? A goal is measurable, but that is just vague & can never be achieved. If it were, how could you know you had achieved it? What is "better" anyway?

I am very caring towards friends too & very loyal. Some good advice I read once about the negativity was "if your favorite friend said that to you, how would you respond. It would be very different to the way you say things to yourself with thoughts". I try to remember this, because I know I would never think that badly of anyone, even the ones who make me furious, there is still lots of good in them that I can see. If anyone were that judgmental, I wouldn't want to speak to them anymore anyway!

Thankyou Mr Smarty Pants ha ha ;) Joking around is fun :)

Melody