Can't feel love :-(

[TurquoiseGirl]

Hi.

I am new to this and I am wondering if anyone can help make sense of my situtaion.

I moved away from home to start a new life with my boyfriend of 7 months, in his town (an hour and a half away from where i lived). Although a sudden thing to do in such a short space of time, I had no regrets what so ever as I had never been this IN LOVE before and was 100% about everything.

The first 3 months of living here were fantastic - almost like a holiday I suppose. I was with the man of my dreams. Had a new job with better money than I had at home (although I didn't fully like this new job, which stressed me out alot).

The only bad things that happened in the first 3 months were that I had bouts of anxiety about various things:

1) My job and that I hated it and didn't feel like I belonged there.
2) I would be scared that because I'd ordered something online that people would be able to hack into my bank account.
3) I obsessed about my past alot - mistakes I'd made in life.


I have also had a traumatic upbringing due to a depressive mother/I have abuse memories from a family friend.

Apart from the above though, I was so happy to be with my soulmate and was so secure for the first time in my life.

Well anyway, in December (3 months after moving down), I fell ill with my back (I have had surgery on my spine in the past and have occasional episodes where something just 'goes' and I am bedridden. I was given painkillers and diazapam off the doctor which seemed to help.

But a few days after coming off the diazepam, an AWFUL thing happened. I suddenly was ridden with anxiety, dread, guilt and was overwhelmed by my situation - my new life. I didn't think I loved my boyfriend anymore and began to cry and cry and be sick every 5 minutes. I had to run away, I couldn't cope, so went back up home to be with my mother. However I felt no relief and felt I should come back to be with him. He was very upset and confused but understood.

Now basically ever since December last year, I have suffered with this terrible depression and can't feel love at all for my boyfriend or even my family and pet sometimes?! I feel detached from everything.

I thought I may have an Adjustment Disorder of some type, but now that I've read about rocd I feel maybe it could have something to do with it - especially by the fact that I was a bit obsessive about other stuff before the Trigger in December.

However I KNOW I want to love him again and at times I feel I do - at these moments I feel a huge relief but it doesn't last long because the thoughts come in and say 'you don't love him? you're just in denial.

I am so unhappy. I want to feel love for this wonderful man. There is nothing wrong with our relationship. Nothing has changed. Yet lately I find him irritating at times and find flaws in his face, when I know he is attractive? WHY?!

Also, I have been on antidepressants (2 types) and have found that I feel worse on these! The depression kind of lifts but the thoughts are always with me - that I can't feel love, which causes depression again. I am also going to psychotherapy but she doesn't seem to think it's ocd, but a huge insecurity within me?)

I am so terrified that maybe I just don't love him - as this is the worst thing for me ever.

Please can someone shed some light on this horrible situation?


Thank you xxx

[drummermike]

Interesting post. Although I did not have back surgery, I did have something go wrong with me that is physically related. In addition I too made a huge move like you for love. And, I also have had "flat" feeling for a while now. However I didn't lose the in love feeling, but pretty much for everything else.

Take a look at my first post and see if it relates. Warning it's a long one lol

Sounds like some depression and adjustment issues as well as anxiety, and maybe something repressed that is causing anger or discomfort?

Just some thoughts ........ I hope you feel better.

[diane07]

A huge warm welcome to nmp

you'll get loads of advice and support here and make some lovely friends along the way

best wishes

di xx

[TurquoiseGirl]

Thank you for responding to my post drummer mike.

I have just read your post and god you have been through hell!

I never really experienced the woozy feeling etc but i felt very detached at times.

I am on venlafaxine still, which i tried to wean myself off because i feared that they were contributing to not being able to feel love and attachment to my boyfriend and other people for that matter. But the withdrawl was too painful, I am very terful, panicky, nauseus, wasn't sleeping, having nightmares etc, so the doc suggested I go back on them and increase them gardually. So here I am.

Last week was strangely the best I'd felt in months (since the 'breakdown' in December really) and I started feeling for my boyfriend again/felt positive for the future and was no longer having those intusive thoughts of 'you don't love him/you don't love your mother, family etc. But ever since I went on a dose higher yesterday (the next step of increasing), I have started feeling depressed again and not feeling stuff. I am so confused and exhausted with thinking about stuff all the time. I need a rest from my own head.

I have alot of issues due to my upbringing that my therapist thinks is contributing to all this, so maybe time will tell.

I just wish I could relax!!

[drummermike]

Thank you for responding to my post drummer mike.

I have just read your post and god you have been through hell!

I never really experienced the woozy feeling etc but i felt very detached at times.

I am on venlafaxine still, which i tried to wean myself off because i feared that they were contributing to not being able to feel love and attachment to my boyfriend and other people for that matter. But the withdrawl was too painful, I am very terful, panicky, nauseus, wasn't sleeping, having nightmares etc, so the doc suggested I go back on them and increase them gardually. So here I am.

Last week was strangely the best I'd felt in months (since the 'breakdown' in December really) and I started feeling for my boyfriend again/felt positive for the future and was no longer having those intusive thoughts of 'you don't love him/you don't love your mother, family etc. But ever since I went on a dose higher yesterday (the next step of increasing), I have started feeling depressed again and not feeling stuff. I am so confused and exhausted with thinking about stuff all the time. I need a rest from my own head.

I have alot of issues due to my upbringing that my therapist thinks is contributing to all this, so maybe time will tell.

I just wish I could relax!!

I have just read your post and god you have been through hell!

ahh yeah ... lol

I am very terful, panicky, nauseus

feel your pain here too ...
I just wish I could relax!!

You can, you have to allow yourself too ... at all expense. Although I am not sure if the med is contributing to your hyper mind. I don't take antidepressants, they never sat well with me. Too stimulating or too depressing or increased my woozy head ...... yeah maybe your upbringing is a contribution, I've been there too, but today is today and now is what you have to get through. The past is just thoughts. You're a good person today you just need to find you again.

How about sleep? Make that a number one priority, I find when I do not get a full nights sleep, things definitely get worse. Did you see an actual psychiatrist who is reputable? Ever try xanax or Benzo's? I don't recommend them long term but occasionally they do help when in a rough spot. I don't have an addictive personality, so I never had an addictive affiinity for them. But they can fuel depression a little but not really at low doses.

I think you, like me are going through severe FEAR of what going on, no some much anxiety ...... it goes round and round ... ohhhhhhhhhh I so feel for your situation. There are good days though really .......

I have had the last 5 days that have been decent. But today I am nauseated, and down ....... but I cary on.

I am glad I gave you maybe a little insight. Some pretty cool people here ... try not to read into too much and try to remain some level of positive thoughts. And, rest. Rest. ;)