Does this sound like anxiety or depression to you?

[NoPoet]

Hi all, I hate that I'm having to start another new thread about another problem, but this one is really screwing my life up at the moment and it is time I finally stood up to it.

Over the last couple of months I have been developing a "fear" or "phobia" of being at home. Before all my problems started I loved being at home. Sometimes I was bored if I stayed in all day but I was always up to something, doing hobbies, playing my computer, browsing the internet, watching DVDs with my brother, going out with my dad etc.

These days the thought of being in my house and (especially) being in my room makes me feel literally sick. I get headachey and distressed and scared. I imagine being bored with nothing to do except for worrying about my problems and concentrating on every last moment of my anxiety. I think about every day being the same, doing the same things, having the same conversations, generally wasting my life. I imagine living the rest of my life feeling like this. It makes me feel terrible.

My immediate reaction when feeling like this is to want to scream with frustration or run away and cry. I think "Oh God, that's depression", but when I think about it, my feelings are more fear and frustration, which suggests anxiety is the cause.

Do you think this sounds like depression or anxiety or maybe a mix of both? I have done CBT tests online that say I have severe anxiety but only minimal depression.

I've been redundant for six months and have been undergoing treatment for anxiety and depression since March. Every day is similar, but not many of them are the same, so my fears are 90% unfounded, I just cannot switch them off or deal with them.

I am really upset by this problem, it is doing a lot of damage. Please give me your thoughts and opinions as this is causing me a lot of distress.

[Bluebelle]

Hi PsychoPoet
I am sorry to hear you're feeling frustrated -it's awful when you just want to run away and cry isn't it?
Are you experiencing this aversion to staying at home because it has come to represent a symptom of your depression and anxiety whereas before it was a refuge /creative haven .
When I was deeply engulfed in my depression /anxiety / agorophbia my home became more of a prison for me- like I was "trapped" here rather than I am "cozy" here. Could this be influencing you opinion of home?
Take Care
Blue

[Deepest Blue]

Hi PsychoPoet,

I certainly can relate to you in this as I used to feel the same when I used to live with my parents.

I think with anxiety, certainly for me, it's difficult to concentrate on something for a long period of time, not so much out of bordem but because I don't think I'm really motivated enough to stay on something for too long. In the end I run out of things to do or say and it just because harder to find the energy to be creative so then you just give up and do nothing, same routine every day and it becomes tiresome. Fear then sets in because the anxiety is stopping you from being positive and breaking out of this loop, it makes you think you can't or it's too difficult. I don't think it's so much your house or room that's the cause, I think it's because you started to feel this way in the place you're in, it could have maybe happened anywhere, I mean, could you say that you'd feel the same if you lived elsewhere, on your own maybe? Or do you think a fresh environment would help?

I certainly think it's anxiety that's causing you to want to scream, the depression is the result of the experience you're having right now which is making you think it won't get better.

I've also been made redundant before too and that didn't help matters either, it made me feel idle and lazy when I wasn't, just circumstances put me in that position but thankfully that was only temporary and I managed to find another job which fixed a few problems.

I think keeping active somehow helps, it helps me, doing something whatever it is to keep your mind off the anxiety is what I've kept trying to do.

I hope things get better, we are always here to talk to of course.
Take Care.

[Bluebelle]

Hi PyschoPoet
I have just read your other post in the citalopram and I am totally relating to your mentor issue. I used to have a mentor too but I was "abandoned"- this sent me into a massive depression as I was suddenly alone and had to deal with how sick I was with anxiety.
One night when I was unable to sleep I was watching this movie with Tom Hanks when he gets stranded on an island and he makes this ball into his friend Wilson. I thought this was silly but I thought I'd try it since I have nothing to lose so I used a pretty rock I found by my lake ( no I didn't draw a face on it) and put it my vehicle and tried to drive.
It worked. I know it sounds kooky but it was able to get me out of the house and doing things. So I had a new mentor!
I know it sounds weird but it worked for me !
Bluebelle

[lisa chandler]

i feel like this quite alot i would rather b outside than in my own home 2day i spent a day at my parents and when my dad was dropping me off i got really tearful because i didnt want 2 go home im getting so i hate the thought of going home

[NoPoet]

Oh thank God for you lot, you don't know how much better I feel after reading your replies! Thank you!! :D :D

I think I wanted someone to confirm what I was hoping would be the truth - that it's not depression, it's anxiety. I have been so strong over the last couple of months, I've been amazed at myself, but now I'm finding it so painful to keep fighting -- I've worked all the easy stuff out and now I'm into the scary problems and it is so much harder to keep going!

Everything everyone has said in this thread sounds familiar. I have always believed that we "associate" being home with unhappiness. The reality is, our homes DON'T cause unhappiness. They are the place where we happen to be when we are feeling distressed.

Because we feel distressed a lot, and we're at home a lot, our brains associate being at home with being distressed. It's a basic biological trick which was designed to protect us from dangerous situations. There aren't many dangerous situations these days but our instincts remain. It is fascinating to think about but that doesn't help much when we are feeling like crap.

Lisa Chandler, please post your experiences in this thread, you sound even more distressed than I am and it would be good if you could vent in this thread and hopefully get the support you need.

Thanks again to everyone who has replied. You have put a smile back on my face! :D

[Deepest Blue]

I think I wanted someone to confirm what I was hoping would be the truth - that it's not depression, it's anxiety.

Thanks again to everyone who has replied. You have put a smile back on my face! :D

I've never been diagnosed with depression even though I thought I had it, my go always said it was Anxiety and he's stuck to that belief. I am not saying I don't feel depressed sometimes but I know it's caused by Anxiety so my gp was correct after thinking about it more.

Aww you're very welcome and I am glad you are smiling again, I think if we can all smile a little it will help us realise we are in this together and we want to smash it out of us !!!

[NoPoet]

I am not saying I don't feel depressed sometimes but I know it's caused by Anxiety so my gp was correct after thinking about it more.
Hear hear, that is very true. I feel like I've wasted so much time worrying about depression when anxiety was the real problem. My dad told me he never thought I was really depressed, not even when I was at my worst -- he said I looked and acted anxious.

I wish I wasn't so scared all the time. Then again don't we all ;)

It helps that the folks at Mind made me realise I have technically only been recovering for a couple of weeks. There are bound to be a lot of hiccups in the early stages.

Hopefully I can get over this fear and start moving forward with my recovery once more. These damn roadblocks, they spring up in front of us when everything is going well, it takes us a couple of weeks to get over them and there always seems to be another roadblock further down the road!

[Deepest Blue]

Hopefully I can get over this fear and start moving forward with my recovery once more. These damn roadblocks, they spring up in front of us when everything is going well, it takes us a couple of weeks to get over them and there always seems to be another roadblock further down the road!

Totally the same as me. With me, after I have a bad episode where I've felt so low that all I could manage to do was just burst into tears and feeling even more stupid, it feels like I hit a brick wall and can't feel any worse. After I manage to pull myself together and start to think logically again, I attempt to plan ahead, plan ways of trying not to repeat feeling the same as that again so I change a few things around including what I eat and drink and it seems to improve, then something happens in which forces me to deviate from my changes which upsets me because in my mind I was doing so well, keeping to my plan in which I think is important both physically and mentally - physically because I am trying to keep as healthy as possible - mentally because I want to prove to myself I can stick to a plan. When that roadblock you were talking about gets in the way, it kind of feels like it's all come undone and back to square one feeling like I've achieved nothing and that I have to now start working on my plan again, from scratch. This happens so many times that it makes me wonder if I can ever progress. I think we just have to try and stop these roadblocks from deviating from our plans and that's what I've been doing the last few days, so far so good, I just want it to last long enough so that I can't let things bother me so much or be strong enough to ignore it.

[Tori Frances]

Was a comfort to read your post poet as I also have a fear of being at home. makes me v sad because I used to love being at home just chilling on sofa and reading the paper or dosing or eating cake!!. I can't do any of these things anymore because anxiety too high. Weirdly its almost like I'm greiving for how things used to be and I panic because eveything has changed so much over past few months. I am hoping I can find a new routine and structure to my life though. The CBT therapist am seeing said I cannot go back to who I used to be but can go towards being someone new.
No I don't think its depression either - its because home is the place you are supposed to feel most relaxed and so we notice so much more that we aren't. You have been doing really well poet so be proud of yourself and remember there will always be blocks on road to recovery.

[NoPoet]

Thank you everyone, the replies I've received in this thread have helped me so much with this problem. I don't think it's depression, I think there may be elements of depression caused by constant fear and worry, but once my fear and worry go away so will the odd moments of depression.

I am coming to believe more and more that my real, underlying problem is actually stress. I am stressed out of my mind (I'll explain this here (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=45973&page=23) as soon as I have finished this post) and this seems to have a big impact on my anxiety and therefore my depression. It's like that picture, "The Food Chain", where there are a line of fish of increasing size all about to eat one another. Stress is the biggest fish. Then there's anxiety. Finally there is depression.

I'm also coming to believe that the "fear of being at home" is actually a disguise for a different problem. I've found that a lot of my fears actually mask something quite different -- it's like my problems know I'm going to figure them out, so they hide behind other things. I'm starting to think I am quite clever, I never knew I was capable of running rings round myself and then catching myself out.

When I'm out with my mates, or when I'm working with my dad, I am with company and I have people to talk to. When I come home I tend to spend time on the computer or in my room and that means I am alone with my thoughts. I am breaking my own cardinal rule: don't isolate yourself - integrate!

So the real problem is that I am scared to be alone with my thoughts.

Another spin-off of this problem is that I am frightened I will be bored, that each day is the same as the last, that my life is just one long round of drudgery.

The fact is every day is different, I have got plenty of things going off. Yeah I might be partially stuck in a rut but I am recovering from an illness and I am trying to deal with my problems. If I'm bored all day, it's because I am NOT doing my hobbies, I am NOT looking for a job, I'm sitting on the internet talking about anxiety and depression.

So if you managed to read all that, we come around in a big circle to the same problem:

I am scared to be alone with my thoughts!

There are other problems which still upset me (fears that I will never recover or become suicidal) which I have got on my list of things to deal with. These other problems all get tangled up with each other so that it seems I am facing one many-headed monster which is impossible to fight and is exhausting to suffer from.

The reality is it's just a bunch of snakes coiled around one another for strength and mutual support. If I can isolate them, I can deal with them one by one, using less energy and taking less time to do so.

Does this help anyone? Is your fear of being at home simply a "disguise" for something else?

[NoPoet]

Oh I forgot, thank you to everyone who has voted in the poll. Please vote after you have read my first post even if you don't want to reply to the thread.

Something else that might help people. I was writing a fiction story a few years ago about a stalker and I did quite a bit of research into the emotional impact of stalking. There is a commonly accepted emotional process that victims of serious stalking tend to go through. It seems that we can apply this process to ANYONE who has suffered a trauma. I think we all qualify with the problems we've had!

(Note: The stages are not always "fixed" in order and people may find that several stages overlap)

Stage 1: Denial
Where a person does not believe (or will not accept) that there is a problem, despite growing evidence to the contrary.

Stage 2: Anger
This is the "Why me, what the hell have I done, how dare someone do this to me" stage; the person begins to realise there is a problem that may be escalating beyond their control.

Stage 3: Bargaining
"If I do this, that will happen"; "If I make this small change, everything will go back to normal"; "If you leave me alone, I will forget all about you"; this is where a person attempts to cope with their problem. They may still believe at this stage that everything can go back exactly how it was before the problem occurred.

Stage 4: Grieving
The person becomes distressed and upset that their life has changed so radically; they probably realise by this point that things can never be the same again, and they grieve for their old way of life and/or their old world view, which has been altered forever.

Stage 5: Acceptance
Many people eventually find they adjust to their new situation. Yeah, their world view has changed, but they have learned that nothing stays the same for long. They can live with their new world view. The rule of nature states that only those who can adapt will survive; this is where a person realises they are starting to adapt. The problem may not have gone away but the person is now well equipped to cope with it and hopefully resolve it.

[NoPoet]

I started taking inositol again yesterday and it already seems to help as I woke up feeling dreamy and happy this morning, something that seems to happen a lot when I'm taking inositol.

I applied for a job this afternoon and my anxiety has come down from about 8/10 to 4/10. Result.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

You feel trapped, you are unemployed and have an active brain. I sympathise and don't think its any wonder you can't bear to be in the same place all the time. Fear of fear too. Thats a rough and ready overview.

[Str33tb0y]

hey poet :-)

havent been on for a while. Yeah I get the same thing I hate being at home at the moment, im always at home or at work, no where else, and I hate it drives me mad staring at these four walls for company all of the time..so I know what your going through. I would say the problem is a bit of both. Anxiety about being at home because you know it makes you uncomfortable and sad.

I need more stuff to do with real human beings rather being attached to a computer or dj console all the time..at home...

Im hoping that mind contact me about the football team stuff soon im hoping it will help get me out more and be more sociable..

glad you woke up feeling better today mate. I think if you can bag getting a job that will certainly help you..:yesyes:

[NoPoet]

Thanks you two :D

Everyone speaks sense on NMP, that's why I love it so much. NMP has been, and will continue to be, a crucial part of my recovery!!

I'm too tired to go into detail now but I have decided to STOP looking at myself as a "victim" or someone who is "ill" (in sociology terms I'm going to stop playing the "sick role") and view myself as a normal person who is making a big effort to better himself and work towards his future.

Instead of thinking ahead to the next day with dread, I'm going to start keeping a calendar so I know what I'm doing and when. I can fill any blank days or look forward to a "chill-out day". I find that when I am worried about being at home I feel a million times better when I realise I have got stuff to do.

I'll let you know how I get on with these tricks. I think they will work.

[NoPoet]

I am still finding that my bad memories of the last few months are hurting my recovery. I was cleaning our kitchen up a few minutes ago when I thought to myself "A few weeks ago doing ordinary everyday stuff like this make me feel hopeless", then I remembered how it felt to be hopeless and my fears of being depressed came back.

It is weird to know I am only one idle thought away from all that fear. Another problem to go at the top of the list!

EDIT: 6pm
Been to Mind, had a helpful discussion where we touched on these problems. I feel like I'm "dancing around" the subject of being at home because it is so painful to me. I can't wait to discuss all this with my counsellor. Honestly I have dealt with so much and now I've only got the worst problems left to deal with. I've cleared all the crap, now I have got to face the horror! Lucky me!! :D

[Rachel_123]

i kind of understand what you mean. for me, im scared of not having something to work to, no goals, just being idle. i dunno, does that make sense??

[NoPoet]

Yes Rachel, those thoughts are among the worst, cos they make me feel worthless and like my whole life is pointless. In my current frame of mind I am convinced that I suffer from depression... but in 15 minutes I will no doubt be convinced it is anxiety, and an hour from now I won't be able to tell the difference.

Why can't we just relax and accept that it is nice, rewarding and even necessary to spend time doing nothing?

[Rachel_123]

i think the least important thing to do is to label it anyway. what will labelling your feelings really do for you? ok maybe a little confirmation, but really, at the end of the day it is what it is, and either way we BOTH have to confront our thoughts.

and i know what you mean, wouldnt it be so lovely to just sit back and love life for what it is, and not what it makes us do from day to day. ive realised that part of it is that i quantify my existance by how smart i am, how many A's i get in school etc etc. instead, i should be able to just say i am of worth just because i am here and living, and able to love.

[NoPoet]

I dunno, I think that if I can confirm it then I can stop worrying about it and concentrate on it properly. There are times I am convinced it's depression, then I'm convinced it's anxiety... I just want to cut through the confusion.