Really struggling today :-(

[Sparrow]

Hey everyone

I've been doing so well until the last few days and especially today... The tears are ready to flow and I am scared.....

I've gone for a lot of different treatments in the last year to try and come to grips with the anxiety, the last treatment being hypnotism. I started feeling a lot better after a string of sessions, it really helped so much. I wasn't 'healed' completely, but I felt a lot more in control of my life.

Today I feel like it's coming back in full force. And it's making me feel so depressed. I've been doing well, taking minimal medication, but now I feel like I need to go back to the doctor as soon as possible to get more medication. Problem is, I am terrified of going. They make me feel like I am lying, like I am pretending, like what I am feeling is not real. I am sure everyone knows what I mean, some of these doctors are so insensitive. I don't know what to do. I've even looked online to see if I could find medication (but decided against it, that would be very silly).

I am taking a herbal remedy right now, but it's not helping. I am really grateful for this website, here are people who understand, and it's nice to be able to at least write about how I'm feeling and know that I won't be told to grow up.

My biggest fear is people. I can't go out. The second I realise that I have to go out and face people, I tense up not being able to speak or move, I go into a trance. I used to be so confident and happy and I hate that I am this person now... I am tired of having to fib about why I'm not seeing my friends out and about. Not to mention the harsh reality of people who I thought were friends making light of my situation. Horrible.

I hate taking medication. I am scared of medication, thinking that I'm going to die of some side effect.... Any little twitch I feel in my body makes me panic, thinking I have some disease... I'm constantly in a lot of pain, especially my neck, from the tension. It's unbearable.

I have been thinking for the last hour whether I should post this message or not, for fear of ridicule....but I must. I have to start realising that there are trustworthy people in the world. Not everyone is going to think I'm a fool.
I read other posts in the forums, and I realise I am not alone. It's not easy for any of us. :-(

Thanks for reading.

:unsure:

[freudian nightmare]

Hello sparrow,
Sorry to hear that you're feeling so bad, but you don't have to fear ridicule here noone will judge you because we can understand the way you are feeling.
Especially the fear of facing people i too feel the same way and dread having to deal with people, it takes over your life and affects the way you feel about yourself. As far as medication is concerned i feel the same way too but i know that herbal remedies do take longer to take effect so if i was you i'd persevere a bit longer because they can be less addictive generally than other medication although i realise that some people do have success with them, but me personally i prefer to try something more natural first before going down the meds route.
If i were you i'd go back to the doctor and if they don't take you seriously which they should, i'd change doctors or ask for a second opinion because they have to respect your wishes! Best wishes x

[Deepest Blue]

:hugs:

I totally agree with Ava, you wont be riddiculed because we understand your feelings because we feel them too (or have felt them in the past).

I think that sometimes when we think we are in control of ourselves we maybe relax too much, that's what I am guilty of sometimes because I can go for days feeling really good and think that finally it's all over but then those anxious feelings surface again and then I start to feel negative then frightened which results in panic. I think I have to try and understand that even when I am feeling OK that I have to carry on the routine that helped me get there and not relax for one moment.

I think that perhaps you can start to change things around a bit once you have a long stretch of feeling really good, for example, if during that time you feel you've been "tested" but passed through it without falling back into anxiety, then you are on your way. I can say I am nowhere near there because even though I have good days, it's not consistent enough and I still fall down when something could trigger it, I allow it to affect me too much. In saying that though, I think failing my driving test on Tuesday I have handled that really well, I've not fallen apart, I've not even totally blamed the anxiety although it was a factor it wasn't the whole reason and I feel positive about it if anything given me inspiration to try again.

I know that feeling when you said that it comes back in full force, I think it's to do with the dissapointment of initially doing so well then allowing it to slip away, I know how that feels and it's really disheartening.

I think all I can suggest here is just try to go back into the routine that made you feel good before and see if you can hold out for longer periods. I also find that if I try to hard or do too much to fix the problem I just get worse because the efforts are out of despiration and not thinking rationally. I just think to myself what makes me feel better and work on that foundation to see where it takes me.

I hope it gets better for you soon,
Take Care of you for me.
Dan.

[Sparrow]

Thank you Ava, and Dan. Your words really did make me feel better. I've just ordered the Rescue Remedy drops, and I will take your advice Ava and give them a fair chance. I'm also going to change doctors.

Dan, sorry to hear about the driving test. I remember how nerve-wrecking mine was....glad you managed to survive the ordeal!! I will figure out what could have triggered this set-back, and get back into the routine I had when I was feeling better. Your words make perfect sense, I'm going back to the 'one day at a time' frame of mind.

Take care guys, and thank you XXX

[deb-22]

hi I hope your rescue remedy is helping you now and you are feeling better I work in a GPs surgery and know how qiuck they are to write a prescription but there are deffinatley some who are very understanding maybe a relaxation cd or councelling would help you I also know how you feel x hope you feel better soon

[damopanther]

know exactly how you feel, ive had a pretty awfull day myself, after being put on new medication, some docs are good and some are bad, hope you find a good one and wish you well, take care, damo

[Sparrow]

Thanks for the kind words Deb and Damo. I've had counselling, and I do have relaxation CD's which helped me sleep when I couldn't, now I am sleeping ok at least. The counselling is not easy because again, it means talking to a stranger and puts me into a panic state....but I think I will go back for a few more sessions.

But today is going to be a good day, a little bit of sunshine goes a long way.

Take care guys and thanks again, this is a really good place X