Can somebody tell me that it will be okay?

[Mara-Naima]

I have been battling with depression for years. I've had it since I was 10 and now I am 24. It goes and comes every now and again. Sometimes it is not that bad, and I can control it. But when it is BAD, I does have to fight myself off from doing bodily harm. I have spoken to my mother about it and she has always told me that nothing is wrong with me and that I am just looking for attention. She says that it is all in my head and that I am only manifesting it. So whenever I would get depressed I would keep it to myself because she would only make me feel worst.

I hit an all time low recently and I needed someone to be there with me to help me through this. I asked her (my mother) to be there for me and she turned her back on me. She said that she put up with me and my 'episodes' long enough and I am old enough to deal with them on my own. That made me feel so bad because I just wanted somebody to hold me and tell me that I would be okay. I just wanted some kind of comfort. So I am alone because I am too afraid to tell anyone else how I feel because I am afraid of what they would think of me.

I have lost interest in everything that I used to do. Almost everything gets on my nerves or sends me off the deep end. I have to encourage myself to do the simplest tasks, such as get out of my bed. The sound of my name upsets me to the point that I feel like getting on top of a roof and jumping off. It is like I have lost all of my patience, tolerance, motivation and my passion to live. I am just so on edge. I get these extreme headaches. And sometimes I just sit in my room in the dark and cry for no reason. I would cry so much sometimes that I would throw up.

I feel like I have so much anger in me. I have no idea what I am so angry at. And whenever someone hurts me or offends me, I feel worthless. I hate when people anger/hurt me because I only end up punishing myself for it. I am very self destructive. I cut, burn and bruise myself from time to time. That is my way of punishing myself for not being good enough.

Everyday I feel like I am getting worse. I am trying to hold on for dear life, but I feel like I am slipping away. I know it takes time to overcome but I don't know how much longer I will be able to fight these bad thoughts. I had a really bad day today and I just feel like giving up completely. I am tired of wearing this 'happy disguise' when I am around people, when I know that I am dying inside.

I just want this feeling to go away. I just want to be normal. I just want somebody to hold me and tell me that it will be okay.

Mara

"Sometimes you can't make it on your own"

[seh1980]

hello Mara,

Welcome to the forum!! :)

I'm sorry to hear how difficult things are for you at the moment. It's a shame that your mother doesn't understand what you are going through. It can often be very difficult for non-sufferers to fully understand.

Have you been to your doctor about this? There is help out there such as medication or counselling.

Sarah :D

"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal

[redbubble]

Hi Mara,

I suffer from depression too & i self-harm. My doctor was great about it & put me on medication straight away & Referred me to a psychiatrist. Through my psychiatrist i have attended anger management, that really helped me, although i seem to be getting a bit short tempered again & it takes a friend to say to me-Oi! Stop getting so uptight, then i'll take a look at myself & think-yes, i am being really short & snappy with people.
Its not nice when you turn to a parent & they reject you, my mum still doesnt realy understand & thinks maybe she did something wrong in bringing me up or that i was abused & she didnt know about it (I wasnt though).
If you ever need to talk, drop me a line
x

Love Red x

"Life's a journey, not a destination"

[nomorepanic]

Hi Mara

Just wanted to welcome you aboard the forum and I hope we can be of some help.

Nicola

"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"

[Sax]

hi Maria,

Welcome to NMP and well done for finding us. You will find lots of support here and there are many of us here who understand what you are saying although i must say I am so sorry to hear you are struggling and at a low point at the moment! Its a shame when family doesn't understand but as Seh quite rightly says when ppl haven't been depressed they really cannot ever comprehend those feelings.

I hope to catch you sometime in the chat room when you feel able to come in just to listen or to chat!

Feel free to talk some more, especailly about what help your GP has given you if you have been yet!

Take care Maria

Sax xx[8D]

[trac67]

Hi Mara,
welcome, you will find a lot of help and support here, it helps to realise that you are not alone, and i am sure you will find a lot of answers right here.
Take Care
Trac xx


its "just a thought"

[pinkscrumpy]

Hi Mara

Welcome to the forum and I hope you no longer feel alone now that you have found us

:D:D

MANDIE XX

Will I ever escape this?
Will I ever be free?
Wake me up from this nightmare.
Please just give me the key!

[Meg]

Welcome Mara

Hope you've done some reading on here and feel a bit comforted

Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

[Sue K with 5]

Hi Mara

Welcome, as everyone else has said, you are certainly in the right place.

Your mother is scared of facing up to your problems, she might even possibly be hiding her own fears.

My mother has bi polar, and the one person You would think I could talk to is her, but it is so far from the truth, she could never comprehend or even begin to deal with my issues, she has never accepted her own.

Depression is not attention seeking, its actually quite the opposite, you obviously have a strong will and need to have a someone just to help and guide you threw this rough patch and I would advise you go and see your doctor or get a referral to a councellor. dont try to deal with this yourself, trust me when I say its not the answer.

The forum and the chat rooms are brilliant and people are always hear to lend an ear and for some brilliant advise



Good luck and take care


Love sue with 5

scknight

[Karen]

Hi Mara

Welcome to the forum. I can empathise with what you are going through as I've struggled with depression from the age of about 12 myself. When I reached out for help at that time both my parents told me I was making it all up and just attention seeking. They seemed more concerned about how this illness made them look and told me I was bringing shame on the family. So they did everything they could to make me keep quiet and to actively prevent me from getting help. I realise therefore how hard it is growing up dealing with this alone and not being able to get the help you need.

I am so sorry your Mum again pushed you away when you needed her. I really relate to that need to have someone hold you and tell you it will all be ok. I no longer see my Mum at all because she has constantly pushed me away and rejected me since I was a child, so following a particularly painful incident a year ago I've stopped trying to see her. It is so difficult to fill the void left by that need to feel loved and accepted though, and to I too never feel I am 'good enough' or deserve to be loved or cared about by anyone because my own Mum doesn't love or care about me.

Your Mum doesn't seem to be able or willing to try to understand what you are going through and some people just don't have any patience with emotional struggles and think they are not real problems. However, anyone who has suffered from depression or any other mental health problem knows that this is not the case. No one here is going to judge you or think badly of you and you can trust and talk to us.

All the feelings you describe in your post are typical with depression. I have spent weeks at time shutting myself away in my bedroom and rarely bothering to get out of bed, let alone doing anything else. The motivation to do anything drains from you with depression and it feels like everything is hopeless, but this is just the depression talking. It is not the truth about you or your life.

Have you read the information on the home pages here about depression (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/default.asp?t=cms&c=depression)? Self harm can be a way of coping with these desperately painful feelings and is a problem I have too. There is some information about this here (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/default.asp?t=cms&c=selfharm). It is important to remember that no matter how bad you feel right now life can improve and you do not have to feel depressed forever. Also even within depression there can be periods when you feel better than others, so hold onto the fact that if you are currently feeling at rock bottom the only way to go is back up again. I know because I have been there.

I know you want someone to take the pain away and I want this for myself too and if I could wave a magic wand and do this for you I would. However, no one can make it all disappear for you but that doesn't mean the situation is hopeless. There are many things you can do to help yourself come through it too.

Although I realise you are worried about confiding in anyone because of your Mum's reaction, have you considered seeing your doctor for some help? Your doctor could help with referral to see a therapist for CBT/solution focused therapy which is the most helpful type of therapy for depression. Medication also helps some people to get through the really tough patches if this is something you might consider.

When you are feeling like you just want to hide away in bed all day I realise it is hard to even consider doing anything else. However, trying to get up for very short periods of time, even if it is only moving from your bed to another room to lie on the sofa could help initially. Try to distract yourself a little from all these negative thoughts and the constant rumination. You could try watching a lighthearted video, reading for a little while or focusing on any activity you are interested in.

Gradually, as you feel more up to it, just having a bath/shower and getting dressed can help you feel a bit better about yoursel

[andrew]

hi mara,

sorry to read your struggling badly at the moment. now your here, your not on your own any more. i'd advise you to share as much of your feelings as possible, it will hopefully help you to cope during this bad spell. stay in the fight hun, you'll get there in the end ... take care andrew

[Parker]

Hi Mara.

I feel for you I really do. I wish I could hop across the Atlantic and give you a hug myself. Hang in there, you'll never be alone now you've found this place.