View Full Version : HA, depression, self-harm, and I'm supposed to get married :(
I don't know how much longer I can take this. I have severe HA+depression and my relationship is crumbling. We are getting married in six weeks, one week after a crucial, matter of life or death colonoscopy I am having (I can feel a lump - long story, I've written about it a lot on here), and I don't know what I will do about the wedding if I find out I have cancer, it's just too much to take.
Also I have become deeply unhappy and I suspect my depression is partly due to how unhappy I am in my relationship. We have been engaged for a year and among the wedding preparations I feel lost and I feel that don't want to get married to him. Life has become a nightmare, he doesn't understand my anxiety and he keeps being horrible to me, barks at me for little things and we have very unfair, frustrating fights. Then an hour later he's forgotten about it and I still feel sh*t.
My HA has been at its worst over the last month and I am hypersensitive to anything he says, and whenever he says something unfair or nasty, I can't take it. It's fine while we're just arguing but once he says something horrible, I wanna scream and I have a sudden urge to hurt myself and recently I have started self harming after some of these awful fights. LIke, I lie crying alone on the floor and I can make myself feel better by scratching my hands until it really hurts, or well I've done worse things too.
Why is this happening to me? :weep:
We have a small child and I feel trapped, I have thoughts that I can't get out of the wedding because he and his family would make my life miserable and say I'm depressed and try to take my son away from me.
This all sounds bad, but I'm writing this just after a fight. He is generally a good guy and we used to be very much in love and he's probably too young to understand many of these things, but I feel so alone and there is no one to help me but him, and he just doesn't. :weep:
hello,
i dont think you should be getting married.
it is never to late to get out, you need to get help.
they will not get your son go to the doctors and work with the depression.
you need to get help before the selfharming gets out of control because then maybe they would try and take your kid and i can tell by your thread you would never want this to happen.
you need to think about yourself and getting better, if the man really loves you he will understand and help you along the way
randomworry
31-05-09, 23:49
hi amu please try not to worry too much.
i commented on your last post about your worries - dont know if you remember but i needed a colonoscopy too. had it done by the way was not as bad as i thought it would be. in fact i dont really remember it Lol.
the sedation works very well.
my symptoms were blood in stool and doctor has identified ulcers and inflammation - am now just waiting on biopsies to get a diagnosis.
you will be fine
all the best
Thanks, yeah I remember, this site is so much help to me and the only thing I can turn to with my thoughts and fear.
This post I wrote last night does sound awful, it was definitely one of the low points.
Colonoscopy in a month, hurrah! :)
Amu, it's really hard to give an opinion to someone I have never met and don't know, can't see with my own eyes how this man is treating you. From experience though I can say that 2 of my exes were "generally good guys" like you say but they were also cruel with their words and I think God that I didn't marry them. I was also days away from one wedding and my family and friends told me, "Run, don't walk". I knew deep down that I would wind up getting a divorce very quickly.
He was generally a good guy too but nobody should subject themselves to verbal abuse. Almost everyone going through a divorce has a child or two and manages, they get child support. You don't want to go through a messy divorce which is much harder than calling off a wedding. I totally agree with patmac, to call off the wedding. You have to be sure and you stated you don't want to get married. The worst that can happen is that people will get angry. Let them. You have to look out for yourself and I hope your own family will be supportive. I don't know what the laws are there but in the U.S. it is rare for the judge to let the father have the child.
Does your boyfriend know how you feel about all this? Is joint counseling an option? Is he worth it...can he change, does he realize how cruel he can be? Are you motivated to make this work..do you love him...also, how old are both of you?
Hi Lauren
what you say seems to make so much sense. My Mum is carefully trying to tell me the same thing, although she doesn't know half of what's happening and how I feel, she lives abroad.
The issue is not that I need financial support, as right now I am the single earner of the family, and my fiance has just finished uni and he is now looking for jobs (he will probably find one soon, he is very talented). I am 28 and he is 24, our son is almost 5. My fiance was very young when I got pregnant and his family were very unsupportive and somewhat "hostile" towards me early on and I have been looking after all three of us alone since we moved to the UK three years ago.
He loves me and he wants to get married and though we have had hard times, I put it down to all the pressure that was laid on me providing support for my child and my fiance at university, far away from our families.
The issue with counselling is that he just doesn't realise there is a problem. I have been trying to tell him that I was unhappy many times, I cry every day, he can see that I break down whenever we have one of these ugly arguments, but five minutes later he says sorry and forgets about it and whenever I mention breakup he puts all the responsibility on me saying that if I wanna break up the family and make our son's life miserable, go ahead, but he thinks there is no problem, the only problem is that I have a problem, if that makes sense.
What you said about verbal abuse is right. He fights very dirty. When he doesn't know what to say, he attacks by saying something horrible or humiliating. A normal person would prob see through it that he doesn't mean it, but as I am battling severe HA and depression, I just can't take it.
Hi Lauren
what you say seems to make so much sense. My Mum is carefully trying to tell me the same thing, although she doesn't know half of what's happening and how I feel, she lives abroad.
The issue is not that I need financial support, as right now I am the single earner of the family, and my fiance has just finished uni and he is now looking for jobs (he will probably find one soon, he is very talented). I am 28 and he is 24, our son is almost 5. My fiance was very young when I got pregnant and his family were very unsupportive and somewhat "hostile" towards me early on and I have been looking after all three of us alone since we moved to the UK three years ago.
He loves me and he wants to get married and though we have had hard times, I put it down to all the pressure that was laid on me providing support for my child and my fiance at university, far away from our families.
The issue with counselling is that he just doesn't realise there is a problem. I have been trying to tell him that I was unhappy many times, I cry every day, he can see that I break down whenever we have one of these ugly arguments, but five minutes later he says sorry and forgets about it and whenever I mention breakup he puts all the responsibility on me saying that if I wanna break up the family and make our son's life miserable, go ahead, but he thinks there is no problem, the only problem is that I have a problem, if that makes sense.
What you said about verbal abuse is right. He fights very dirty. When he doesn't know what to say, he attacks by saying something horrible or humiliating. A normal person would prob see through it that he doesn't mean it, but as I am battling severe HA and depression, I just can't take it.
You said your fiancée loves you and wants to get married, do you love him?
Could you imagine your life without him? If the answer is no then you know what to do.
Weddings are very stressful occasions and I believe that they should be small and without any fuss.
You are having a colonoscopy, is this because the doctor suspects something or for you to eliminate cancer?
It's for me to eliminate cancer, of course. :blush:
But the gastro doctor back home also recommended due to my family history.
Do I love him? Could I imagine my life without him? Harder questions than it might seem. A year ago I thought I knew the answer. We are the only ones there for each other, rely on each other's support 24/7. Of course I love him, he's my other half, father of my child, biggest love of my life. But sometimes right after we fight I feel that living together is too hard.
But if you ask him he should say the same thing - to be fair, how easy is it to live with someone who has HA?
It's for me to eliminate cancer, of course. :blush:
But the gastro doctor back home also recommended due to my family history.
Do I love him? Could I imagine my life without him? Harder questions than it might seem. A year ago I thought I knew the answer. We are the only ones there for each other, rely on each other's support 24/7. Of course I love him, he's my other half, father of my child, biggest love of my life. But sometimes right after we fight I feel that living together is too hard.
But if you ask him he should say the same thing - to be fair, how easy is it to live with someone who has HA?
How easy is it to live with some one who has MS, Cancer, Motor Neurone disease etc but people do.
Life is not all black and white I'm afraid. My daughter has OCD, social paranoia, depression, she has anxiety attacks and use to self harm. I have a brain tumour (meningioma) but I am afraid that is life. I am a cheerful soul with a great sense of humour and fortunately my daughter has the same temperament.
Why should being married be any different than living together it is only a piece of paper after all.:flowers:
You're right...
I've just read someone's story who had the same lump at the same spot and it turned out to be aggressive bowel cancer. I am so sure that this is what I have. What am I going to do, a week before the wedding?
You're right...
I've just read someone's story who had the same lump at the same spot and it turned out to be aggressive bowel cancer. I am so sure that this is what I have. What am I going to do, a week before the wedding?
How long have you had a problem with your bowels (the lump)?
I first noticed it more than a year ago. It is visible, but moveable and often kid of falls back inside deep in my abdomen and then it can no longer be felt, but if I switch position again it is visible again (but not like a hernia).
I first noticed it more than a year ago. It is visible, but moveable and often kid of falls back inside deep in my abdomen and then it can no longer be felt, but if I switch position again it is visible again (but not like a hernia).
So it is not aggressive bowel cancer then.
Are you thin?
Don't forget under your skin is a layer of muscle.
I know, but this is only on the right side, it visibly sticks out in the shape of a lump,it is movable and I can feel/see it even when I consciously relax all of my abdominal muscles.
Cancers on the right side grow slowly, often with no symptoms other than breathlessness (which I have, of course it is also a symptom of anxiety, the worst one ever) and eventually a lump. It could be not-that-aggressive bowel cancer...
I know I have posted a lot about this before, but waiting for the colonoscopy is just making me crazy and I had to post because I was severely depressed and started hurting myself to stay alive, if that makes sense (it doesn't).
:unsure:
Oh forgot to reply - I am average weight for my age and height.
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