shiv
01-06-09, 12:43
Some people may remember me from before and the issues I had with anxiety and depression. For those who don't, here's a brief outline.
I was with a very abusive man for almost 9 years who did everything you can possibly imagine to me. He cheated numerous times, stole from me and my children, disappeared for days on end with alarming frequency on benders (he's an alcoholic who also has a serious drug problem), verbally abused me and put me down and was also horrifically violent to me on occasion.
In september of last year I finally had enough and threw him out and am now starting divorce proceedings. I had to obtain an injunction against him and a prohibitive steps order which prevents him seeing our 6 year old daughter as he has serious mental health issues on top of the alcoholism. However this means nothing. He continues to harrass me and my friends. Not long after we seperated I met a wonderful guy online who's about to train as a police officer after being a PCSO for 2 years and we fell totally in love. It was like a fairy tale. Until my ex found out, managed to obtain his number and harrassed and harrassed morning noon and night for months til this guy had enough and we cooled things. It seemed my ex had left him alone and we tentatively started things up again until a so called friend betrayed me horribly and he has started this campaign up against me, this bloke and some of my friends again. Needless to say my new bloke wants to limit the contact again as he just can't deal with it any more. And to be honest- neither can I.
Last year, despite my ex harrassing me, burgling my house and stealing all my clothes, stealing my car, assaulting me and threatening to kill me and my kids, I was pretty much on top of the world. I thought he would get bored after a month or 2 and me and my new bloke and kids would sail off into the sunset and for the first time in my life I would be free from abuse and misery. (I had an abusive stepdad who comitted suicide when I was 19 and then had a baby with an abusive man at 20 who a year later also comitted suicide). But NO. He continues this campaign against me still. What really gets me is that I stood by him when even his own family wouldn't, his friends all had enough and I even alienated myself from my own friends and family for him. I forgave him always no matter what and now he treats me with such venom and hate just cos I had enough one day and ended it- How DARE i!?
On top of this I'm waiting on my house and car to be repossessed (He wont give me permission to sell the house), I lost my job as a community carer because of the stress and cos I felt that my kids needed me at home so I survive on a pittance. I aim to train as a midwife next year which means another 3 years of struggling and finacially I am in so much debt cos of my ex that I don't even know where to begin. The police say they will help me get rehoused out of the area but that means leaving behind my support network. I'm so sick of it all: the injunction isnt worth the paper its written on as the police can never find him when he breaches, I'm facing total financial ruin, I cant even have another relationship cos that idiot sabotages it every time, I could be homeless in months, I have to buy my kids clothes from charity shopand accept hand-me-downsad my ex swans about in designer gear and seems to have shed loads of money all the time.
I've got to the point where I take the kids to school and get back into bed for the day ( I know I should be sortig stuff and going to citizens advice etc but I just cant face it), I drink silly amounts at the weekend to blot out the pain for a few hours and some days my depression is so black that I can barely see. My anxiety is back in full swing and some days I feel utterly crazy. If there's a rock bottom then I'm in it.
I dont see a way out of this any more. I hate me, I hate my life, I hate what I'm doing to my kids being like this. I really think we'll never be happy
What the hell do I do? I can't take antidepressants for many reasons and anyway they will not take away my problems. How do I get out of this mess?
Siobhan
I was with a very abusive man for almost 9 years who did everything you can possibly imagine to me. He cheated numerous times, stole from me and my children, disappeared for days on end with alarming frequency on benders (he's an alcoholic who also has a serious drug problem), verbally abused me and put me down and was also horrifically violent to me on occasion.
In september of last year I finally had enough and threw him out and am now starting divorce proceedings. I had to obtain an injunction against him and a prohibitive steps order which prevents him seeing our 6 year old daughter as he has serious mental health issues on top of the alcoholism. However this means nothing. He continues to harrass me and my friends. Not long after we seperated I met a wonderful guy online who's about to train as a police officer after being a PCSO for 2 years and we fell totally in love. It was like a fairy tale. Until my ex found out, managed to obtain his number and harrassed and harrassed morning noon and night for months til this guy had enough and we cooled things. It seemed my ex had left him alone and we tentatively started things up again until a so called friend betrayed me horribly and he has started this campaign up against me, this bloke and some of my friends again. Needless to say my new bloke wants to limit the contact again as he just can't deal with it any more. And to be honest- neither can I.
Last year, despite my ex harrassing me, burgling my house and stealing all my clothes, stealing my car, assaulting me and threatening to kill me and my kids, I was pretty much on top of the world. I thought he would get bored after a month or 2 and me and my new bloke and kids would sail off into the sunset and for the first time in my life I would be free from abuse and misery. (I had an abusive stepdad who comitted suicide when I was 19 and then had a baby with an abusive man at 20 who a year later also comitted suicide). But NO. He continues this campaign against me still. What really gets me is that I stood by him when even his own family wouldn't, his friends all had enough and I even alienated myself from my own friends and family for him. I forgave him always no matter what and now he treats me with such venom and hate just cos I had enough one day and ended it- How DARE i!?
On top of this I'm waiting on my house and car to be repossessed (He wont give me permission to sell the house), I lost my job as a community carer because of the stress and cos I felt that my kids needed me at home so I survive on a pittance. I aim to train as a midwife next year which means another 3 years of struggling and finacially I am in so much debt cos of my ex that I don't even know where to begin. The police say they will help me get rehoused out of the area but that means leaving behind my support network. I'm so sick of it all: the injunction isnt worth the paper its written on as the police can never find him when he breaches, I'm facing total financial ruin, I cant even have another relationship cos that idiot sabotages it every time, I could be homeless in months, I have to buy my kids clothes from charity shopand accept hand-me-downsad my ex swans about in designer gear and seems to have shed loads of money all the time.
I've got to the point where I take the kids to school and get back into bed for the day ( I know I should be sortig stuff and going to citizens advice etc but I just cant face it), I drink silly amounts at the weekend to blot out the pain for a few hours and some days my depression is so black that I can barely see. My anxiety is back in full swing and some days I feel utterly crazy. If there's a rock bottom then I'm in it.
I dont see a way out of this any more. I hate me, I hate my life, I hate what I'm doing to my kids being like this. I really think we'll never be happy
What the hell do I do? I can't take antidepressants for many reasons and anyway they will not take away my problems. How do I get out of this mess?
Siobhan