panicannie
01-06-09, 14:07
Hi all, it's been a very long time since I have posted on here, but I am again at a point in my life where things are becoming impossible again. 2008 was a horrific year for me as I nursed my dad with a terminal brain tumour and seperated from my partner of 13 yrs. Since then I now live on my own with my sons and they spend a lot of time at their dads and grandparents which is nice as I have support with the children. The problem is I have met someone whom I feel strongly for but I'm terrified of rejection. I have been used in the past and I know this has affected me but I am totally exhausted with the constant anxiety and panic, and the depression has become overwelming. My mind is racing 24 hrs a day and I am in a constant state of panic that I don't seem to be able to control. I truly cannot cope with rejection and in being that way I become selfdistructive. I had to curb my alcohol intake as I became aware my behavour was getting irrational, and it was having a negative effect on my mood and relationship. I don't understand why I am so insecure? he is a good person, very caring and understanding but Im terrified he will find out what i'm really like and break it off! I go to pieces if he hasn't text or called and imagine that its because he doesn't want me anymore, its truly rediculous and i know that. I have been on duloxetine for a few years and think maybe they aren't wrkin aswell as they should. My boyfriend has a top career, and im currently studying and waiting to see if i've got a job I applied for. I feel useless and like a faliure. everyday is an on going battle. Im sorry for the long post.