Miss Alissa
01-06-09, 21:23
Hi everybody
I haven't been on here in a long time - I thought things were getting a lot better but the last few weeks I just feel like it has been creeping up on me again. Not just the health anxiety - but just that horrible, tense niggly fear that I have to work every day to get over. Today took me straight back to where I was 6 months ago - having to talk myself down from a panic attack, sweating palms, that horrible sick feeling in my stomach. Today I have worried about 10 different serious diseases - including about 5 different types of cancer. I've done the classic of going back to old things I've freaked out about to convince myself that the doctors and specialists must have been wrong. I almost don't even want to talk about it - and I googled and I couldn't help it and suddenly it just felt compulsive and desperate and out of control which isn't the girl I want to be anymore.
I'm sorry - this is probably making no sense. I guess I just kind of forgot how hard it can hit you even when you think you're over it. And I'm so mad at myself.
Today I was tired, pre-menstrual, mildly hungover, had eaten nothing and had nailed a giant coffee. I'm stressed in a new job, about to move house and have barely seen my boyfriend for weeks. I think I just feel out of control - and kind of like I'm letting people down by being like this. It makes me feel useless. I almost feel like I'm just about to fall off - I just feel so wobbly and I kind of just wanted somebody to hug me and ground me a little. But there's nobody to do that so I have to do it myself and it's just really hard sometimes. I'm sorry, I know this is rambling, I just needed to write it down I think. I don't want reassurance about my illness fears, I know that isn't good for me. I just wanted to rant a little I guess.
Thanks No More Panic for giving me a space to do.
xxxx
I haven't been on here in a long time - I thought things were getting a lot better but the last few weeks I just feel like it has been creeping up on me again. Not just the health anxiety - but just that horrible, tense niggly fear that I have to work every day to get over. Today took me straight back to where I was 6 months ago - having to talk myself down from a panic attack, sweating palms, that horrible sick feeling in my stomach. Today I have worried about 10 different serious diseases - including about 5 different types of cancer. I've done the classic of going back to old things I've freaked out about to convince myself that the doctors and specialists must have been wrong. I almost don't even want to talk about it - and I googled and I couldn't help it and suddenly it just felt compulsive and desperate and out of control which isn't the girl I want to be anymore.
I'm sorry - this is probably making no sense. I guess I just kind of forgot how hard it can hit you even when you think you're over it. And I'm so mad at myself.
Today I was tired, pre-menstrual, mildly hungover, had eaten nothing and had nailed a giant coffee. I'm stressed in a new job, about to move house and have barely seen my boyfriend for weeks. I think I just feel out of control - and kind of like I'm letting people down by being like this. It makes me feel useless. I almost feel like I'm just about to fall off - I just feel so wobbly and I kind of just wanted somebody to hug me and ground me a little. But there's nobody to do that so I have to do it myself and it's just really hard sometimes. I'm sorry, I know this is rambling, I just needed to write it down I think. I don't want reassurance about my illness fears, I know that isn't good for me. I just wanted to rant a little I guess.
Thanks No More Panic for giving me a space to do.
xxxx