Relationship Anxiety - can anyone relate?

[mac]

Hi

I have a constant anxiety relating to relationships. I cannot relax in them and worry constantly and it eventually makes me miserable and then I detest them and need to get out to get some relief, but then I miss them and long for them.

I am trying to break free of this. I constantly worry about what this and that means, why they said this, how they are feeling, am I doing things right, do I really love them, do they really love me, I feel guilty for spending time away from them. Does anyone else have the same problem? I feel so alone with it.

I am in a relationship right now.

thanks :-(

[nat38]

hi - yes, i can somehow relate to that, and it's driving me mad.

i've always had problems with relationships, but i always thought the problem was that i was going for the wrong person, or expecting unreasonable things. after a few failures, i finally met the right person for me, i knew this almost immediately, we clicked on so many levels, i felt for the first time i was not alone. yet i started to feel anxious about it. at the beginning it would come from time to time, but then it would go away and i would be really really happy.
but recently the anxiety does not go away - it has gone through the roof and does not let me live. i'm thinking/questioning everything all the time: if i made the right choice, , why am i feeling like this, if i'm denying something, and maily what the hell is wrong with me.
i do know i love him soooo much, he's all what i always looked for, so why i can't just relax and enjoy life like everybody else??!!

sorry - i probably did not help much...

[bcr]

I have huge amounts of relationship anxiety. I haven't been in a serious relationship since I was 20 (six years ago).

My first relationship was with someone who went through hell and high water when I was 16/17 and didn't understand my depression and he was the only one who really knew what was going on. He coped with much more than he ever should have done. I ended that relationship when I went to uni because I didn't want to spend my life being dependant on someone else holding me together.

My 2nd serious relationship was very intense. I was heading for a breakdown and my OH was verging on alcoholism. That was just one big car crash of a relationship (though we did have happy times in between the angst and arguments)

My 3rd and last serious relationship was going really well. OH started in the army and it seemed to all be working out, family thought I'd found 'The One' then unexpectedly I got dumped. Because OH felt they couldn't offer me the support I needed... and other random stuff. It was all out of the blue and then when I tried to talk about with them and work through it, OH was nasty to me and turned into someone I didn't recognise.

Essentially being rejected out of the blue, and predominantly on the grounds of having issues with depression (though I had never relied on OH3 in that way after OH1 & OH2) I became very VERY independent. (even in relying on friends, not just romantic relationships)

I like the idea of a relationship, but any time I get close to having one with someone I freak out and become irrational and scared about being abandoned. I end things before they even get started.

I've recently met someone who I'm gradually building a relationship with, and I'm seeing a counsellor who I've discussed my relationship issues with. I'm trying to take it slowly and see if I can end up with a success story this time!!!

[mac]

Well done bcr, I am also looking into therapy now.

I have noticed a pattern that I keep following over the last couple of years especially, where it is actually ME who has the problem and have been going for men who I know full well will not give a commitment to me, even tho I chase for one. Its because I can't handle one, it scares me so much and freaks me out, yet I long for one.

I am now with my BF who WILL COMMIT and who wants to commit, we are soooo well-suited and I love him so much, but I keep getting scared like you say nat38, it comes and goes. I feel so happy and settled for ages, then something clicks and I become afraid again. I find that I become obsessed with the relationship so rarely enjoy it as I am always obseessing about it and worrying, but to be honest, with my BF now its the easiest it has ever been so I'm hoping for success.

[mac]

nat38, I can so relate - questioning if you have done the right thing? "have I made a terrible decision??!" GASP!

Everyone around me is like, ITS THE GREATEST DECISION YOU HAVE EVER MADE, he is wonderful!

I think they say that with "commitmentphobes" which is basically what we are (people scared of being in love for fear of losing it), it is classic that in the middle of the relationship the anxiousness is very intense.

Nat38, do you ever feel like getting out of it just for some relief, but you know you don't really want to?? I hate that so much. The doubt. You feel torn. Its like you cant handle the love, but without it you would die almost.

[nat38]

hi mac,
it hit me REALLY bad last week and for the first time i thought i was not able to cope with it anymore. i started wondering why i always seem to be 'better' when i am on my own, etc etc. yet at the same time i KNOW i love him soooo much i could not live without him (well, i could but you know what i mean).
i never thought of mysef as a commitment phobe, as commitment is what i always looked for. funnily enough, i always looked for it in the wrong guys, those who i probably knew they would not commit anyway. this is the fisrt time in a long time, that i am with someone who wants the same as me, and it seems that i am terrified. there were moments where i just wanted to run away! (i should mention that he is my husband, so the irrational doubts did not stop me getting married!)

after joining this website i did a few searches and found a post that you may find useful. and since then i cannot stop reading about it. i think after +20 years of relationships i finally discovered that i may have relationship-OCD. i had no idea anything like that existed, but my symptoms/thoughts fit like text book. i feel puzzled at the moment, but much calmer.
this is the link
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=22722
take care

[goingmadder]

Hey everyone!

OH MY GOD... It never ceases to amaze me that there are others experiencing this... finding out about ROCD was a god send but knowing thats what it is doesn't make it go away.. Like most of you I am in a relationship now which for all intents and pirposes is totally amazing, he's the most wonderful man i have ever met and I love him. On the other hand the anxiety that comes with the relationship is just so soul sucking..

It does come in bouts, I could be fine for a week, walking on cloud nine, totally loved up then out of no where mostly but sometimes with a trigger BOOM, crash land into ROCD, suddenly questioning everything, do i love him, do i really love him, does he really love me, what if im moving too fast, whaty if i dont really love him and im lying, this inevitably leads to total guilt... which can spiral into so many other negative emotions...

In the past I have ended most of my relationships for the same reason, a sense of reliefe from the anxiety, but the truth is deep down I do want the relationship, I want to love and be loved so why do i find it all so terrifying ...

The guilt is the worst part cos once im at that stage I think it becomes visible to my partner.. I made the mistake once of telling an ex "i dont think i love you anymore" it wasn't true although i thought it was at the time and it gave me a sense of reliefe almost like finally telling the truth after a long drawn out lie...

My partner knows I suffer form anxieties of all sorts including ROCD but i try not to venture into it at great depth as I find that by constantly remiding myself that it is infact just another bout, also using CBT techniques like when the "do i really love him? no i don't yes i do" bit hits I try to balance myself and ask myself what evidence do i have that makes that statement true? then i look at reality, rationalising if you like, at the wonderful things he does for me, how great he makes me feel and not to mention how fantastic things are when Im not in a bout! and although it doesn't end the bout it makes it easier to sail through.... In the end as with most things, the only thing that really ends the bout is time... sometimes a day sometimes a week at a time...

I wonder if it's not just triggers and things already in our heads but also weather hormones play a part....

WHat I do know is that I wish to god I didnt' have ROCD ... All I want is to be able to enjoy our love and our relationship...

Hope you all find peace as I do in knowing we are not alone!

Big hugs

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