horrible person, horrible mum

[Coni]

Ive just had an awful row with my 12 year old daughter....and its only 8am. This is the second time this week this has happened and I feel terrible about it. I'm the adult, a parent, and I should be able to stay calm and level headed not enter into a shouting match which ends in us both being really upset...I am finding this so hard and I dont know why....we ar just clashing so much lately and shes only 12....I'm going to ruin our relationship before she even gets to her teenage years.....everything I do for her is wrong, she speaks to me like dirt sometimes, we disagree over everything and I feel as if Im driving her away because I cant not react. I can feel my husbands disapproval too which just makes me feel worse as I know he thinks I should just calm down and they get on so well...so its like them and me. I have two teenage boys and they were a breeze compared to this.

Of course I love her, but I just feel as if Ive completely lost my way with her and now we're on this collision course....and I should know better...I feel like the worst possible parent and i hate myself for being like this....I had a really difficult relationship with my mum (in fact with most of my family) and now here I am doing the same to her, how awful does that make me?....and I so dont want her to be anything like me (unfortunately she seem genetically predispostioned to be exactly like me, she looks so like me...I dont want her to be me!)....I'm terrified I'm going to mess up her life, drive her to rebel, drink, take drugs, get into trouble...and I should know better....now we're locked into this 'battle'....I think she hates me sometimes and i cant blame her....

Sorry for droning on....now Ive got to get myself together enough to face work and my daughters got to face school and we're both upset....

Has anyone else experienced this...any advice would be great?

Coni X,

[lesleya]

Hi hun
Firstly your not a horrible person and horrible mum!
Im sorry i dont have any real words of wisdom as to what you can do to resolve your differences, but i just wanted to send you a hug because i feel so sorry for you, your trying to do your very best for your daughter, and juggle running a home, looking after your family and going out to work too...maybe your husband could do more to help.
Ive got a 28yr old son and had the odd rebellious times but luckily nothing too bad, but i honestly think no-one can say they ever get it right all the time, we all make mistakes bringing children up...we're only human after all, so please dont bash yourself up too much. The only thing that ever used to work for me was to sit him down and have a heart to heart and mostly it did help, as sometimes there are things going on in their lives we dont see like at school or with mates and of course theres the raging hormones! and after all kids do tend to think they are the only ones thats ever had problems.
I wish you all the luck with this and hope you manage to resolve your differences very soon.
Take care hun
xxx
:bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1:

[bottleblond]

Coni

Firstly mate, you are NOT a bad parent, nor are you going to drive her to drink or drugs.

I have been through this with Ben and he is only 10 and a half. It was like, i would say day and he would say night. I felt like everything i said or did was the opposite of what he wanted. He would take the most awful tamtrums where he would punch and slap himself so hard. This would set me off shouting like an idiot for him to stop it, which just made the whole situation alot worse. This went on for months and the least wee thing would set him off. Like you, i blamed the whole situation on me, my parenting skills, my lack of patience in dealing with it blah blah blah.

Coni, it doesn't matter how good a parent we are hun, kids do seems to go through these phases where nothing we say or do is right. Try to replace the nagatives with positives. If she says i hate you mum, then you say well that's fine but i love you. If she goes into a tantrum then simply walk away and go to another room and try to stay calm. Try not to argue with her either because that is just giving her the attention she will be wanting at the time.

It is very difficult mate but things will improve.
Ben is fine again now and it definately was a phase.
Stop blaming yourself because she will realise this and milk it mate.

I really hope things improve soon for you
Big hugs
Lisa
xxxx

[Terry12345]

Well, I'm 51 now, so both my "children" are 17 and 20.
My daughter and son have always been pretty easy going, not all the time but most. I agree maybe it helps sometimes if you just walk into the other room when an argument starts. She and you will both get over it pretty soon. You and her both need to talk to each other when you are both in "good" moods and see what your differing points of view are. I suppose she's growing up and think she knows everything the usual..lol.. and sometimes we as parents don't accept that. I wish you well. Remember she loves you and you love her...so really that's all that counts ...do your best that's all you can do and then you never have any regrets.
good luck...xxx
Teresa

[Alabasterlyn]

Coni, I don't think you are a horrible person or a horrible mum either. Your daughter is at that age when she is probably pushing her boundaries and starting to change from a child to a teenager, so it's common to have arguments and conflict.

Just because you are the adult and the parent doesn't mean you are always going to act in the 'perfect' way that you perceive a parent should. We all have problems at some stage when our children are growing up and when your daughter has come through the other side of this stage she is going through I am sure things will settle down again.

My son is now 31 and I've always had a very close and loving relationship with him, but I don't think of myself as the perfect parent or adult. In fact for many years I also felt like a crap mother as I was bringing up my son on my own and didn't always feel I was doing a very good job.

The very fact that you feel bad about the arguments with your daughter and have posted on here shows that you are indeed a very good mum :hugs:

[spaced]

sorry things are not going well between yourself and your daughter. I don't think it has anything to do with your parenting it's just how things are. Your daughters 12 so will fast becoming a teenager she's growing up nothing more. Have you considered that she my be due to start her periods soon and it could be the hormones triggering the arguments. Myself and my daughter went though the arguing phase for a year on the run to her periods beginning now I know to keep an eye on the calender.

Good luck hope things improve

[MoodyBlue]

Hi Coni,

let me assure you that my Mum and I used to argue like cat and dog when I was 12 to about 16 but she didn't drive me to drink or drugs and we are such good friends now. I put it down to a mixture of our hormones changing, pressures of life etc and we just clashed. I used to tell her I hated her, which fills me with sadness now, what a horrible thing to say, and I'm sure your daughter will feel exactly the same when she's older.

Try to stay positive, I know the arguing must really get you down, but maybe speaking to your husband before you get into an argument with your daughter may give you perspective on things. You may be able to take his point of view, combine it with yours and meet somewhere in the middle? This may help you to stop feeling like it's you and them, that's not a nice place to be!

Good luck with it all :-)

[eternally optimistic]

Hi yah Coni

SNAP!!!!!!! lol

I've had exactly the same thing happen this week too with my 12 year old.

I'm much better than I was dealing with these things, these days. I used to let it roll on into the rest of the day, and it was a nightmare.

Give her a BIG hug when she gets home and tell her you love her and Im sure you'll weather the storm.

Good luck.

[Coni]

Thank you all so much for your wise words....I really appreciate it! I have have had a rotten day (actually a rotten week), but I did give her a hug and apologise for shouting and told her I loved her....my husband is due home from work soon and I'll probably get the silent treatment for a while due to this mornings 'incident'....he's good at disapproval, but then I'm fairly good at messing up lol!

Lesley.. thank you for the hugs, I'm grateful for any at the moment lol.

Lisa, its so good to know I'm not the only one....I will try saying the opposite to her or walking away...I really should know better....and it is exactly that, like I always say or do the wrong thing....thank you for taking the time to reply.

Teresa, thank you for replying....I do love her I just wonder if she realises that sometimes, but Im definitely going to try walking away (and counting to 100 lol)

Lyn, you know you're right....I always feel I 'should' be better or know better. I work with families and it seems Im ok at giving advice but rubbish at practising what I preach...I just get so scared Im going to mess her up...

Spaced... I have actually been thinking lately because she's starting to change and grow physically....and when I think rationally about things, maybe thats part of it. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Lynds, thank you its good to get the other perspective...here's hoping you're right lol! As for my husband , well I dont know....she's a real daddys girl, and he does tend to be of the opinion that I should handle these things better, after all Im the adult and she's the child.

Jackie, Im so glad its not just me...and I do tend to let it affect everything, then my mind runs riot and I have her doing drugs and in jail by the time shes 18 and its all my fault for not being a good enough (or mentally stable enough) mum. I've done the huggy thing and all is calm again (well at least till hubby comes home...hopefully he'll go play golf and get the disapproval out of his system...I dont know if I can face any more today...I can beat myself up quite well without anyone else joining in...

Anyway thanks again everyone....much appreciated.

Coni XX

[WillLatch]

Hey there Coni.. ALL SYMPATHY and well done for posting so soon after the "event" I'm the owner of 3 sprogs.. all older than yours.. it took me many years to learn that when they "lash out" metaphorically and hurt my feelings it's actually the time they need me the most.. and what can seem like "stuff off.. I'm not agreeing with what you want or say".. is often "Elp.. I'm trying to learn the boundaries of life.. and you know them and I don't". I also had a difficult childhood, and therefore constantly question whether I'm "getting it right". Because the benchmarks from my own childhood were so lousy and therefore no source of reference. At the end of the day, you love your sprogs and want to do the best you can , including keeping the necessary control because they're kids.. and whatever THEY think.. they aint got it yet!

My one humble tip would be that I don't allow "sulking" or "silent disaproval". IGNORE THE BAD BEHAVOUR AND REWARD THE GOOD. Basic Dog training applied to sprogs. Lastly as a parent, I used to MAKE myself stand there and hold out the arms for the hug..after the row... because somewhere somehow it was up to me to find the adult strength to do that. Even when the little gits used to turn, walk away and reject me. In reality it didn't happen often cos they are usually looking for a "feel better cop out". xx