rhiocarys
02-09-05, 23:36
hello... everybody is leaving me.... mu auntie has just said goodbye, she along with my uncle and cousins are heading bak to canada where they live. It was the most emotional time ever for a few reasons.
> 1. My auntie is the only one in my entire family i relate to.
> 2. My grandad (my aunties dad) is terminally ill with liver cancer, he only has a few weeks left to live. Its the last time she is going to see him alive. and i just witnessed them saying goodbye to each other.
> 3. after feeling alone right now anyway i really didnt want to say goodbye to the only family i have.
the upset, other people being upset and the panic of my grancha being dead when i walk through the front door sent me into a delayed panic attack. Death is staring my grancha point blank in the face. Is he staring at me too? Just thinking about all of the above makes my chest feel tight and my head dizzy. i tried really hard today to think of something else, but i couldnt. the hurt and anguish was all around me with no distraction. after only knowing that ive been suffering panic attacks for a few days after a few years of suffering ive become more aware of them, fuelling my panic even more. Im panicking that every bad situation is gonna send me into a panic attack. im going through a lot of bad situations which means lots of panicking.
with anti depressants in my bag, and 2 weeks before they supposidly start working,and no help or support from doctors i feel conned. i want to stop these panic attacks now. I still think that even after all the tests that they've made a mistake, i've got something seriously wrong with me and they've just told me i have panic attacks to shut me up.
my parents must be the least supportive in the world. they dont believ in panic attacks. so i sit there in silence while my chest feels like its so tight i cant breathe, my heart races to 130bpm i can feel my heart in my throat, then the sign its easing over i start to feel faint. i take a deep breath and they tutt in disapproval and disbelief. i feel so alone as a tear drops onto the keyboard i am typing with, i need help and there is nothing i can do, doctors wont lsten, parents dont listen, friends wont listen. so im sending this out into the void hoping that theres someone to read it, just to make me feel less alone.
if youve read the whole of this then i thank you from the bottom of my heart
rhiocays xxxxxxxx
help me if u can im feeling down...... !!!!!
> 1. My auntie is the only one in my entire family i relate to.
> 2. My grandad (my aunties dad) is terminally ill with liver cancer, he only has a few weeks left to live. Its the last time she is going to see him alive. and i just witnessed them saying goodbye to each other.
> 3. after feeling alone right now anyway i really didnt want to say goodbye to the only family i have.
the upset, other people being upset and the panic of my grancha being dead when i walk through the front door sent me into a delayed panic attack. Death is staring my grancha point blank in the face. Is he staring at me too? Just thinking about all of the above makes my chest feel tight and my head dizzy. i tried really hard today to think of something else, but i couldnt. the hurt and anguish was all around me with no distraction. after only knowing that ive been suffering panic attacks for a few days after a few years of suffering ive become more aware of them, fuelling my panic even more. Im panicking that every bad situation is gonna send me into a panic attack. im going through a lot of bad situations which means lots of panicking.
with anti depressants in my bag, and 2 weeks before they supposidly start working,and no help or support from doctors i feel conned. i want to stop these panic attacks now. I still think that even after all the tests that they've made a mistake, i've got something seriously wrong with me and they've just told me i have panic attacks to shut me up.
my parents must be the least supportive in the world. they dont believ in panic attacks. so i sit there in silence while my chest feels like its so tight i cant breathe, my heart races to 130bpm i can feel my heart in my throat, then the sign its easing over i start to feel faint. i take a deep breath and they tutt in disapproval and disbelief. i feel so alone as a tear drops onto the keyboard i am typing with, i need help and there is nothing i can do, doctors wont lsten, parents dont listen, friends wont listen. so im sending this out into the void hoping that theres someone to read it, just to make me feel less alone.
if youve read the whole of this then i thank you from the bottom of my heart
rhiocays xxxxxxxx
help me if u can im feeling down...... !!!!!