linjane
03-09-05, 07:55
Hi again everyone,
Just needed to share the last couple of days with you all.
Thursday, I had a bad experience in the bank, when an ambulance had been called for an elderly man and they attached him to a heart machine and I stood there listening to the rhythm of his heart like it was my own and getting into a proper state. His heartbeat was REALLY all over the place sometime pausing for 3seconds at a time and then beating really erratically. I really wanted to get out of there, but managed to stay and do my banking. I also had my kids with me so on the outside I looked totally calm!! Needless to say, the rest of the day I was irritable and panicky and really focusing on my heart again.
Yesterday, I got up and felt fine and got on with the normal stuff, didn't have to be at work till lunchtime. I was in the middle of doing my daughters hair when I started getting loads of ectopics, which I did try to ignore and panic about, but they didn't go away and kept coming for about an hour and a half even when I was doing other things to keep me busy??? I know I have to get a grip of these things but I am at a total loss of how. I started searching on the internet again, something I haven't done for ages. I don't want this cycle to start again, but I can't seem to avoid it and you all must be so sick of me posting about the same thing all the time.
I am not sleeping brilliantly, I keep waking at all sorts of weird times during the night and taking ages to get back to sleep, so I am probably tired, but I can't help thinking that there is something wrong with me because I am still getting them most days and have done for over three years.
I feel ok so far this morning a bit shaky and I know my heart is beating faster than it should, but I do prefer that to the missed beats. I am sure I could cope with my anxiety better if I could get past the fear of something terrible happening to me and leaving my children and husband behind. There I've managed to say it at last. I don't want to miss out on my children growing up and I want to be here to see it...that is what I'm scared of not happening. Now I'm pregnant - and I really want this baby - I'm extra scared something will go wrong in childbirth and the worst will happen then.
Also, the fear that the ectopics give me, spoil my time with the children and sometimes my husband, because if I'm feeling scared and anxious I'm irritable and can't focus on anything else but them and then I feel I'm not spending the quality time that I could with them. Am I making sense??
WOW sorry for going on for so long, but I don't think I have ever put my fears down properly, maybe that is a step in the right direction? I will try to talk to the counsellor about it on thursday and see what he can say (hope he is more understanding than last time) but I value everyones opinion on here, probably more than his at the moment.
Thanks for listening
Love, Linda.xxx
Just needed to share the last couple of days with you all.
Thursday, I had a bad experience in the bank, when an ambulance had been called for an elderly man and they attached him to a heart machine and I stood there listening to the rhythm of his heart like it was my own and getting into a proper state. His heartbeat was REALLY all over the place sometime pausing for 3seconds at a time and then beating really erratically. I really wanted to get out of there, but managed to stay and do my banking. I also had my kids with me so on the outside I looked totally calm!! Needless to say, the rest of the day I was irritable and panicky and really focusing on my heart again.
Yesterday, I got up and felt fine and got on with the normal stuff, didn't have to be at work till lunchtime. I was in the middle of doing my daughters hair when I started getting loads of ectopics, which I did try to ignore and panic about, but they didn't go away and kept coming for about an hour and a half even when I was doing other things to keep me busy??? I know I have to get a grip of these things but I am at a total loss of how. I started searching on the internet again, something I haven't done for ages. I don't want this cycle to start again, but I can't seem to avoid it and you all must be so sick of me posting about the same thing all the time.
I am not sleeping brilliantly, I keep waking at all sorts of weird times during the night and taking ages to get back to sleep, so I am probably tired, but I can't help thinking that there is something wrong with me because I am still getting them most days and have done for over three years.
I feel ok so far this morning a bit shaky and I know my heart is beating faster than it should, but I do prefer that to the missed beats. I am sure I could cope with my anxiety better if I could get past the fear of something terrible happening to me and leaving my children and husband behind. There I've managed to say it at last. I don't want to miss out on my children growing up and I want to be here to see it...that is what I'm scared of not happening. Now I'm pregnant - and I really want this baby - I'm extra scared something will go wrong in childbirth and the worst will happen then.
Also, the fear that the ectopics give me, spoil my time with the children and sometimes my husband, because if I'm feeling scared and anxious I'm irritable and can't focus on anything else but them and then I feel I'm not spending the quality time that I could with them. Am I making sense??
WOW sorry for going on for so long, but I don't think I have ever put my fears down properly, maybe that is a step in the right direction? I will try to talk to the counsellor about it on thursday and see what he can say (hope he is more understanding than last time) but I value everyones opinion on here, probably more than his at the moment.
Thanks for listening
Love, Linda.xxx