View Full Version : Help - my anxiety is killing both me and my Mum
Hi everyone,
About 2 or 3 months ago my elderly Mum (who I live on my own with) developed speech problems, somewhat confused thinking and a personality change. Although it looks like she had some sort of minor stroke, the NHS have been dragging their heels and she's still waiting for a brain scan.
In the past I've suffered minor short-term anxiety attacks but now I'm suffering a longer, more full-on problem with anxiety. There's something about the mental changes in my Mum which has upset me enormously. I think the main problem is that I can no longer have a 'normal' conversation with her because of her muddled thinking and language. Also I've no close family and friends who can give me support and I'm very much lacking confidence as a carer. I've tried to start to arrange care through Social Services but so far my Mum has stubbornly refused everything which has been offered to her.
Consequently I'm now starting to get panic attacks (especially when she becomes agitated and almost aggressive) and I'm waking up at about 5:00 am every day with butterflies in my stomach. If I can get back to sleep again I can only have fleeting sleep periods of about 20 minutes each.
The anxiety has started to affect my work but the company I work for have been very supportive and they arranged a counselling session for me which I had on Friday. However nothing much came out of it except that the counsellor said that in his opinion my Mum was noticing my anxiety and it was making her anxious too, and consequently her confusion even worse.
So I'm desperate for help! Can anyone please advise me on a good and quick way of reducing my anxiety? I'm certain that if I was calmer I could care for my Mum much better, and she too would be calmer and less agitated.
Thanks, Dave
do you live with your mom?
Yes, as I said in my post, I live with her.
I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. My Granny has Alzheimer's disease and I know how hard it is to miss that person. It feels like the person is slipping away while you watch and it is heartbreaking.She talks nonsense and is nothing like the intelligent, funny person she used to be and it has been really awful. I really miss my Granny even though she is still here at a physically young 87.
Are there any of your Mum's friends she would feel comfortable with? Maybe they could come over for a visit and give you some time to go do errands or so that you could have a quick sleep while knowing your Mum is safe. It is easy to get run down when you're not sleeping -it is really important to take care of yourself at this time.
In Canada we have homemaker services in our community and they can come into your home and help. They do things like household chores just to ease the workload on the primary caregiver, so they aren't taking care of the person just the household.This has been helpful for people who are "stubborn' and don't feel comfortable accepting help for themselves. Like if you had someone come in and do the wash-then your Mum wouldn't feel like she is being taken care of because the person is just doing the wash- so she could retain her feeling of independence. Do you have anything like this in your area?
Take Care
Bluebelle
its more difficult because you live with her, have you tried speaking to you mom explaining that you are struggling and that you are having health issues yourself. If im honest i do think your mom is being a bit selfish by relying solely on you. You seem to need some respite as well. It may be worth while you looking on the internet for support and advice on family members carers . They may be able to advice you better.
Hi Dave
Sorry that you going through this at the moment. Its never easy watching your parents become ill. I have just lost my father to dementia and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. That said we ended up putting him in a home which he agreed with as he did not want to become a burden. Him saying this made it even harder and it tore my heart out watching his demise. I know this is not helping but I feel you should know your not by yourself with this. I agree you should put yourself first for a while as without you it seems she would struggle to cope. Its a bit like putting on your oxygen mask first before helping your child.
Get yourself to the doctors and explain your dilema. I would get some medication first to give your mind time to recover from the shock. Then I think you may be able to pull it together for your Mum. People can be very selfish when it comes to there quality of life and so dragging everyone down with them.
Dont forget :-
Get your self help first. You must get rest to keep your own mental health.
Help your mum get a diagnosis so you know what medication she may need.
All the best to you and your family.
Mee
Sorry to hear about your mum, my dad is currently really ill in hospital and havnt been to see him much because just the thought of going to the hospital brings on panic attacks.
I recently moved out of my flat and back with my mum and sister and cant settle back after living away for nearly 3 years. I have trouble relaxing as well so i play on ps3 or listen to music is there anything you and your mum can share im sure this will help you both to relax even if this is just a tv program or a film you both like.
Dear all,
Thank You for your helpful replies. I'll definitely see my GP sometime this week to get some medication.
So far whenever I've tried to discuss with my Mum any sort of care she's become very angry and she's gone on at great length repeating again and again that she'll refuse any care (which makes my anxiety so much worse). She says that she just wants "to fade away and die at home on her own". However in spite of her current neurological problems I think she'll be around for a while yet! I'm very scared about what might happen in the future, that she'll develop advanced vascular dementia, but of course I realise it's typical of someone like me with anxiety that I worry about everything which could happen.
Therefore I think I'm getting anxiety attacks mainly because I'm scared that I'll have to care for her on my own without help for a long time. There are no friends or relations anywhere nearby who can visit her and help care for her. I feel so isolated and helpless.
I've been in touch with carers support organisations and in particular the Crossroads service looks very promising. However one problem about getting support now is, as I said in my original post, that my Mum is still waiting for a brain scan, and I guess that a formal diagnosis could still be two weeks away after that. Until we get that diagnosis no care plan can be drawn up by social services.
I will try and get as much help as possible and I'll have to hope that eventually someone will be convince my Mum that she should have an external care service. I have to say that I've thought about threatening her that I'll leave home and leave her on her own if she refuses care but I just don't know if that would be the right thing to do.
In the meantime I'll start to listen to Claire Weekes' MP3s!
Regards, Dave
Dave
Don't think about the future. The only thing you are in control of is your present moment. I feel that everything will work out for you. It sounds like you have been exploring a few options. Initially your mum will fight this it is only natural. As she becomes more dependant you will realise when time to give her the 24hr care she deserves and only then will you consider care. I am sure if she was well enough she would not want you to see her go through this and would want you to remember her like this. When the time comes to consider care homes just hink about the fact that it will be better for you mum to recieve 24 hour care and that this will make life better for you so your relationship with your mum will benefit. When you visit you will be more relaxed and less resentful. Your Mum deserves only the best care possible.
All the best.
Mee
Mee,
Thank You for your kind words. Over the past couple of weeks my Mum's physical condition seems to have strengthened a little, she can walk and hold things better so that's made me feel a little happier and more confident about leaving her on her own during the day. Last week my GP gave me Citalopram tablets and I'm hoping they'll kick in soon. Next week at long last my Mum's due to have her CT scan and hopefully soon after that we'll get a proper diagnosis, and then maybe I can start to properly plan the future.
Regards,
Dave
Hi DBBM, I'm sorry you are going through this. Your mum's current state is having a big impact on you. Nobody wants to see their parents ill or in distress, and it is completely normal for you to be in a state about it.
I would caution you to avoid medication if you don't really need it. There are other ways to recover from anxiety and panic attacks if they are not stopping you from living a normal life. Your anxiety has a totally natural and understandable cause. It's not like it came out of nowhere, or blew up over a minor problem. You are facing a very real and very upsetting situation.
What I would say is that when you are with your mum, you need to be a rock for her. You cannot allow yourself to show upset or distress. She is going to be a lot more distressed than you are; her anger and outbursts are going to be due to frustration and fear more than anything else. She does not mean to direct these feelings personally towards you. Put yourself in her shoes: you would want to lash out at the world as well.
If she is agitated, you need to remain calm. You can do your crying in another room later on. You never know, your mum might start to recover. My ex-girlfriend's mum had a debilitating stroke and she made a fairly good recovery, she just occasionally struggles with words.
Switch your situations around: what would your mum do if you were the one who was affected?
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